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An Open Talk About My Depression

February 8, 2017

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Are you prepared for a really emotional video? Cause wow…this was a hard video for me to film.

I was really hesitant about sharing this with everyone because I didn’t want the end product of this video to be sadness. I didn’t want to share my feelings with you all and for you to leave the computer feeling sad. Simon and I have been talking about sharing this video with you all for a long time, and I think I finally felt comfortable sharing it when I was able to get a grasp on how it is that I deal with my depression. I didn’t want to just tell you all “hey I suffer from chronic depression.” I wanted to talk about it once I had the words to explain how I handle it.

We talked about it a lot, which I think is really important because you can often be caught inside your own head and not fully understand what you’re feeling. And that’s challenging, because depression is really isolating, even if you’re in a room full of people. If you stay inside your own head, you start to believe the things you tell yourself, as if they are facts. Without being checked by the outside world, you can fall even deeper into your own negative thoughts.

Those days that I was my lowest, I kept thinking something must be wrong with my life for me to feel this way. But the more I dug into it, the more I realized that I don’t really have anything to complain about in my life. I am the happiest I have ever been, personally and professionally, but my body and my pain is the worst its ever been. Even though I am mentally in a happy place, my body is sending out distress signals due to the constant pain, and that distress is wrecking havoc on me mentally. But it wasn’t always so obvious. I had to break down and scrutinize every aspect of my life to see if something was wrong. I looked at my job. Was I happy as a YouTuber? Yup. Totally. It’s the most fulfilling job I can think of. I actually think it might be the most fulfilling job in the world, if you have a kind audience (like we fortunately do). I looked at my husband. Is Simon doing something wrong? Am I upset with him? Nope. He’s fantastic and supportive and my best friend. Am I angry at my friends? Family? Pets? Co-Workers?…the list went on and not matter how much I searched for “issues” with my life, I found that I didn’t have any. This long hard look at my own life and what I perceived as bringing happiness or sadness gave me a feeling of both relief and dread. I realized that the outside sources in my life were not the problem. It was a problem I was dealing with in my own head. Even though I am currently living my dream life, living in Japan which is something I wanted since I was a child, and I’m living a great life here, depression doesn’t care what state I’m in, and has come along for the ride.

It isn’t something I can fix with money or lifestyle changes. And I think this is a really important point because a lot of people think that if they were millionaires that could have all the cars, houses, food, girls, guys, clothing, jewelry, and vacations in the world they would be totally happy. But that is just not the truth. I have a favourite quote from Jim Carrey who said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” Since I have come to that same conclusion, I realize that I need to see my depression as a chemical reaction, not as a byproduct of my life. It can feel impossible to fight against an emotional feeling, but you can do it. It is not impossible. You acknowledge that what you are saying is mean and untrue. You are whispering negative things to yourself, but you are strong enough to see those negative things and acknowledge them as wrong. It is the same as when someone looks into the mirror and calls themselves fat and ugly. The more you call yourself these negative things, the more you truly believe it. By stopping this cycle of negative thought, you stop adding fuel to the negative fire.

I still have days where I feel totally despondent and sad, but now I know that they are coming. Now I see these days are a write-off where I have to just take a bath, watch a show, or check out mentally. When I was younger, these days blindsided me. I felt overhwmelend and alone with emotions. I let them wash me down a river of negative thoughts. I believed all the negative thoughts I was having, and I would act on them. And…I tried to kill myself because of it.

That was really hard for me to say. It’s a deep dark secret that has embarrassed me and stayed with my for many years. I didn’t talk about it in my Draw My Life video. I wasn’t comfortable enough with it yet. I feel embarrassed about it now because it’s not a decision I would ever make again. It was a selfish decision that would have hurt my friends and family, and it’s embarrassing to say out loud because I feel like it was such a fucking stupid thing that I did. But I also know that it’s a real state of mind that people feel, a real question that they ask themselves. I’m glad that I was able to get myself out of that state of mind, out of the bottom of the pit. I’m more in control now, but it’ll always be there to remind me of where I could go if I don’t keep control of myself.

The amount of rungs I’ve added to my ladder makes it a lot harder for me to get down that low again. Back then, I didn’t have anything going for me. I was despondent. And all I saw was pain. Now I realize that these emotions and feelings must be contained and dealt with. I squash them down and deal with them all into one or two days, and do my best to not let it spread. In high school and university the feeling would span across days and weeks until I was an exhausted and sad lump of Martina. Now I don’t let it get passed two days. I think that is a huge difference and I hope once day to squash it down to one day. Hopefully I can get to the point one day where I can get it down to just a few hours.

I hope that my honesty in this video didn’t make you feel to upset. I think that we are all human and all deal with different difficulties, and I know that my difficulty is not the same as yours. But what I hope is that in sharing this video, we can all open up and share other ways in which we deal with our lowest days. Or if it’s too personal for you to share, and you don’t feel comfortable (because I wasn’t comfortable for years, and I still feel scared talking about it), I hope at least you can see with my example that, even though I have chronic depression, and I will never be able to fully get rid of it, I’m learning how to live with it and manage it. I hope that you can do so as well. I love you guise.

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An Open Talk About My Depression

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  1. I wanted to thank you for making this video. I love you guys, there have been many days where you picked me up, even though I was stuck in my room maybe weeks or even months at a time. I have a diagnosis now, but I’m 20, it took this long to officially be recognizes as someone suffering from Asbergers and chronic headaches and migraine. I write this because there was a long time where I had no friends and all the time people would get irritated because I wouldn’t participate in school like every one else. For a long time I felt useless, what was I doing wrong? Am I wrong. I had always used art to cope with these feelings. Creating a book of characters that became my life. That slowly I started to make Cosplay, I wasn’t a bog fan of conventions, since I didn’t have any frinds, but I liked making the costumes. My life isn’t easy, even now after having a few actual friends, I had to stop studying at university because I got so heavily depressed that I was wondering what point I was trying to achieve. I couldn’t watch you when I was at my worst, but I did have youtube. Now when I decided to stop the course I was taking I had you guys to watch. I know you can’t put out as much content as you did once, but I get really excited when you upload a video and this one made me happy. Not sad or feeling pity. I was relieved, when Martina started crying so did I because I understood what she meant. I wanted to thank you guys for putting this video together, I’m often to shy to comment, but I really enjoy your videos and I’m really happy that because of youtube Martina gets to have one more stage to her ladder. I for one am not one for hiking, I do sometimes Norway is perfect for nature-gazing after all. But I just randomly started making a little clay doll, that I want to make into a small Zelda. I occasionally make youtube videos of my paintings because it makes me feel good. Thank you, I really appreciate you making this video <3

    5 months ago
  2. My mom was recently diagnosed with cancer and had to go through chemo and radiation which put her in alot of pain almost everday. She often tells me “The most important thing in life isn’t fame or riches, it’s your health take care of it!” I don’t know if she’ll ever fully recover back to her normal enthusiastic personality, but I do know that I’ll be there to help her until the end. This video made me think of her and I just want to say that you’re so strong Martina! Keep pressing forward!

    5 months ago
  3. Thank you so much for sharing your Story and your struggles with us Martina <3 For me that was the point to well look at my life and my story. Writing it down in at least a short version and well I have done that now and thought I might as well share it here~

    For me my Depression came from my ADHD and pretty bad bullying in Elementary School. The first signs showed up at the age of 13/14 when I hit a first low and got worse when my first relationship ended, well it was more a case of her having a Boyfriend simultanously and one day simply breaking off all contact with me. But somehow I came back out of that pit, or rather I told that myself because I did not want to have another mental illness that would just add to my status as an outcast that my ADHD and later my love for Visual Kei and Japan in general had already brought to me. Took me a few years with pretty deep lows, which I tried to cope with by building my own alternative reality (not a good Idea btw… cost me quite a few "friendships"), until I opened up to my psychology teacher in School after we had talked about Depression in class. At that time I had less than two years to my A Levels. Luckily I was already in therapy for my ADHD so I did not have to wait for weeks to get an appointment. My Therapist put me on a light natural treatment (sorry I don't remember the name of the plant in englisch… In German it's Johanniskraut) which did help and actually got me through my A Levels with pretty good grades except for math. But after that my old Psychiatrist took me off all my medication as a trial and until today I hadn't had my ADHD medication because she saw no indication for me needing it anymore. That made my depression only get worse, I dropped out of Uni because of it and for about two years hardly left the house except for Cons and Concerts which where basically what kept me sane. At times I was suicidal, at least in my head I never had the courage to actually try to commit suicide something which I'm happy about now. In that time I was then put on one of the most common antidepressants and later my new psychiatrist changed that one for another one. But at that time the fact I needed medication again made me feel like a failure, by now I have accepted the fact and even told my doctor if I felt the need to adjust something or like now to get back on ADHD meds. Two Years ago in february 2015 I went to a clinic for analytic psychotherapy for a full three months. That was the braking point that started my Road to Recovery or rather to being relatively stable. I got into a program that was aimed at getting young people with mental ilnesses ready for apprentenceships in which I learned a lot but also had some pretty deep pits as one of our friends in the group took his own life at just 17 Years old and another Relationship failed, well I got dumped by the same person twice I really shouldn't give everyone a second chance. But at the same time I moved out from home into shared therapeutic Appartment with 3 other Girls and started to set goals for myself again. Starting from just getting up everyday to cooking for myself and now up to finally getting my drivers license and saving up for my first BJD and maybe even a vacation in Japan in 2019 or so. But right now my longterm Goal is being stable enough to get into an apprentenceship and then getting a Job to sustain myself. Actually it's the first time I put all of it in writing and seeing my story like that oh well I guess I never took the easy route in life. A lot of the coping mechanisms you talked about are things I do for myself. Going out to cons, concerts and even just for lunch with my friends, I might need a few days away from people to recover but I feel awesome while being out and about; getting my first Tattoo at 18, a star on my left hand, and my second one last summer at nearly 23 with the second one being the elvish word for love written in Tengwar just below my right elbow as a reminder for me to love myself. I dyed my hair bright pink years ago and then kinda had to let it grow out so I bleached it once more and tried some new colours, blue and green, but came back to having bright pink hair and it really helps me to have that splash of colour in my everyday appearance <3

    5 months ago
  4. Lots of love from here <3 I'm personally very blunt about my darkest times, a little bit too blunt as it takes some people aback seeing as normally I'm a pretty happy bubbly person (if not a bit cynical at times)
    Being able to talk about it is hard, you're very brave and you've also helped a lot of other people by being such a positive influence, but we're here for the good times and the bad. You're like that older supportive sister for so many of us here <3

    5 months ago
  5. You are so so soooooooo amazing for putting this out here for us to see. Thank you for sharing with us so we can share back with you. I can’t really imagine how it must feel but I hope you feel better for putting it out there! PS. I would totally come to your next pity party. I could bring my chocolate dream brownies, or my expresso brownies, or my carmel brownies, or my brownie cheesecake, or (I’m sensing a theme here) basically anything chocolately and lovely!!!!!

    5 months ago
  6. Hi Martina,

    I know this was hard for you. When I recently told a few close friends about my depression I felt like I had no right to complain, and that I was making them uncomfortable. Sometimes it feels like it would be better for everyone if I suffered in silence. Anyway, I want you to know that you have been an important rung on my ladder. I have been watching since Simon first put out teaching videos in Korea. Because of you two, I followed my dream of becoming an ESL teacher, and I leave for China on Saturday. Because of you, I started dying my hair every colour of the rainbow. I got the tattoos I’ve always wanted. I made a trip to Japan for my own happiness (which never came first before). Now, as I pack my suitcases for the next five months, I’m shying away from loading up tons of movies and books, so that I can force myself to go out and be a human, outside of my apartment. Thank you for being a great Canadian role model. Thank you for the positivity. Thank you for wearing fun, cute clothes (now I have the courage to do the same!). Much love from Nova Scotia (and soon Shanghai)!

    -Kyla

    5 months ago
  7. Hi Simon and Martina! I have been watching your videos since your first Kpop Music Mondays and I haven’t missed a video or blog every since, I think I was part of the notification squad before that became a thing. I haven’t commented before (too shy) but I have always been a silent supporter of you guys throughout the years. Thank you for sharing your lives with us, I watch your videos now not only for the quality content but that I am genuinely invested in seeing how your lives are going. I am honoured that you chose shared this part of your lives with us because it takes a different level of trust to share the bad times as well as the good. You both are inspiring people and have such a wonderful supportive community around you that is rare in this world. Sending virtual hugs across the internet! <3

    5 months ago
  8. When I was younger, I attemepted suicide a few times.

    I was bullied-no, that’s not the right word. I was harrassed. And I didn’t want to deal with the thoughts or the pain. Even when I went to therapists and would start to feel better, I still had depressing and suicidal thoughts. I would assure everyone who didn’t understand that it didn’t mean that I wanted to kill myself (namely my family; if I told them just a little bit about it, they would have been forced to send me to a psych hospital. My dad once freaked out and now I don’t tell him about any of it. It’s a long story that I may or may not write about in the future.). I did get better with the right medications (I took three types for OCD, Chronic Depression, and a vitamin defecency) up until my inusrance ran out. For those who are born after the ACA was implemented in the States, children were only covered up until you were no longer a student or you went and got your own. So I had to learn to cope with everything on my own.

    There are still days where I break down and bawl my eyes out. I try to keep myself as busy as possible, but I still have triggers that set me off. But I take it and run with it. My sense of humor has become morbid and I joke about the darker side of humanity. I knit, spin yarn, do roller derby, dance, read fanfiction, take photos of my dog wearing tee shirts, and sing opera (My interests are pretty varied. Go figure.) to keep myself from taking that turn.

    Let me reiterate, though. Just like Martina said, chronic depression and any other illness (mental or chronic to be specific) is a constant. But never be ashamed when you need a pity party. I indulge in it from time to time. It helps.

    So, that’s my story. Yay?

    5 months ago
  9. Martina. This was very powerful and very brave. Your openness in sharing the painful, private side of your life is much appreciated. That you have found a path away from that dark pit is special and hopeful full of choices and tradeoffs. Not everyone will share your particular darkness, but most will see your strength and self-love which can apply to so many situations. Many cyber hugs to you from afar. And to Simon for sharing this journey with you and us. cg

    5 months ago
  10. Oh, Martina…LOTS OF LOVE and big, BIG, B I G HUGS !!! Thank you for sharing this.
    I’ve had very similar experience and resolution(s).
    I have RA (rheumatoid arthritis), which is a progressive, degenerative (joint)disease, that causes chronic joint pain, hormonal imbalances etc. Everything that you talked about…so many parallels, so many similar experiences… I know how you feel and I share your pain.
    It is wonderful and reassuring to know that you are fighting this and living your life to its fullest, and having a wonderful man by your side that will see you through it all. You’re a great guy Simon. And you should know that. I have the greatest admiration for you guys and I wish you both all the best!!! <3 <3 <3

    5 months ago
  11. Thank you for sharing Martina. I have always looked up to you and this video made me admire you more. I started watching your videos about a year ago. I was at a pretty low point, I didn’t have a lot of friends living in my area anymore and I felt really alone. Then I found you guys, an adorable, funny couple who liked to eat and do nerdy things, and taught me all about Korean culture. And suddenly I wasn’t so alone. I would come home and watch your videos and feel like I was sharing these experiences with my internet friends. I watched them so often I even started copying some of your mannerisms. Things are getting better now but I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for nearly 20 years now and seeing your honesty and especially seeing how much you love each other gives me hope that someday I might have a relationship even close to as wonderful as yours. Thank you for being my internet friends and getting me through some very hard times. I love you guys <3

    5 months ago
  12. Thank you so much for sharing *hug* As a chronically ill person myself, I’ve found your channel to be a positive influence in my life. Knowing what challenges you face, and proving just what is possible despite the pain and setbacks, has been encouraging me to not give up and keep fighting for a life I’ll enjoy. You helped me not feel ashamed of using assistive tools, and seeing Simon’s support, patience, and understanding made me see I didn’t have to settle for anyone not willing to step up to the plate and help me laugh while facing daily life.

    You and Simon both are incredible people, and I’m so grateful you have been sharing your lives with us. You guys gave me hope and courage during even the darkest of my days. ❤️️

    5 months ago
  13. This was actually an amazing way to start my day. I feel like the skies just got more blue. Thank you so much for being you.
    I don’t have any serious illness or anything; I just suffer from mild depression. I don’t know what else to call it. It keeps me feeling down a lot, and I’ve never been sure of how to deal with it, especially since I’m an extreme introvert who has serious people anxiety. I get so nervous just making a phone call, going out to the store makes me shake, and I need a lot of alone time to feel ok again. My family has never understood, and so I never felt supported. Heck, I never felt ok to share this as my family doesn’t believe these things are real; they’re just emotions that will go away. News flash, I’m 28 and they’re still here. I haven’t changed.
    At one point in my life, I was taking meds that made my depression worse. I cried all the time, I hated myself so much, I thought about killing myself all the time. The thoughts were so real. I knew where Dad kept the gun. The only way I made it out of that was reminding myself that it was just the meds. Once I was done taking them I would go back to normal. That doesn’t work the rest of my life, where I’m not taking meds anymore. I don’t know what to tell myself now. But this video has given me another viewpoint. One I needed.
    It’s different than just reading something from someone you don’t really know online. That’s like, “Oh hey, cool for you. Whatever.” But this… I’ve never met you, but I’ve followed you guys for about 7 years or so. I feel like I know you enough that I wouldn’t shake if I got to meet you. I would smile and be excited. So this really clicked, more than anything else I’ve ever read or watched. Thank you.
    I’ve struggled with my weight the last few years because my depression has gotten worse. I have no one who really understands, no one to talk to. My best friend isn’t helpful. My husband doesn’t know what to do, even when I tell him what would help. This video was so helpful, though.
    Martina, I cried with you. When your voice got all sad, I cried. When Simon came and hugged you, I cried. My heart feels so full right now. This wasn’t a pity party. This was a life party. You are helping so many people, and it’s just so wonderful.
    I know it’s been said many times already, but just know that us Nasties love you and want you to take care of yourselves.
    Sorry this was so long and all over the place. I’m all jumbled inside now. Tl;dr- thank you.

    5 months ago
  14. A long response, but this is an important topic.

    Depression is much more common than people realize. I have it too and from experience I can say that the prescription drugs don’t do much against depression, not even the SSRIs. I concluded there’s no cure, oh well I won the bad lottery. For years I dealt with grief which would come as what I called “waves of sorrow” where I had to stop what I was doing and perhaps sit for a while, waiting for the wave to pass. Then I would get up and continue doing whatever I was doing (washing dishes, etc.) When it happens while driving I would just keep driving and focus on the sensation of holding the steering wheel, pay attention to what’s going on, etc. My doctor couldn’t help. Sometimes (in men mostly perhaps?) depression gets diagnosed as OCD when in fact it’s because we are anchored in a traumatic event that cannot be resolved. “Mindfulness” is the latest fad in treating depression, might work for some people, didn’t work for me (though self-remembering and self-observation while conscious is a good thing to do regardless). One side effect is sleepiness. I learned to live day-to-day, take the good with the bad, there are moments where I feel happy and content enough that I’m actually doing pretty well. Focusing on doing things for others not myself, remembering what’s truly important, asking myself “When I’m old and I look back on my life, what will my footprints in the beach sand say about how I lived my life?” Looking after (truly) lazy cats helps too (have you ever asked your cat what he/she achieved today? What are it’s goals?, LOL. Ask yourself: Why do we need to feel we are achieving things when cats couldn’t care less and they’re doing fine “oh and where’s my food? Yawn.”). Finding irony in life; when you pay attention to how life is set up, it’s ridiculous really. Some situations are so ridiculous or unimaginable that we just burst out laughing at the silliness of it all.

    One thing mindfulness DOES teach us pretty fast: Ideas come and go in our heads, like floaters. Most people don’t realize this and just act them out. Same with emotions, the body produces emotions and they do put wind in our sail but we’re not actually those emotions. Emotions are from the body, very local, and quite stupid actually: One moment you’re sad, then you find out you there is ice cream left you’re all happy, then you’re distracted by something else. The ice cream was there all along, emotions do not reflect reality in an objective way. As for aches and pains, I always say I got the Skoda model while others seem to have a Chevy Tahoe or a Ferrari. Again, not our choice is it. If you’re in a park, listen to the wind. Horrible things do happen but nature doesn’t judge, it just is. More often than not it’s stunningly beautiful, pleasant and calm.

    Keep going Martina, your work is enriching other people’s lives, looks like Simon cares about you a lot (though I don’t know what to say about that beard…), live your life as best you can and do take time to take care of yourself, do things you want to do. It’s how you act in life that really matters, much more than what the world does to you. It’s all about how you take care of yourself (best effort), how influence the world and the tracks you leave behind. Just ask Simon if what life does to you matters more than who you are. It’s pretty obvious that what life does to people isn’t what really matters.

    5 months ago
  15. Thank you so much for this Martina. I have been watching your videos since your early days in Korea. Although I rarely made a comment, I felt compelled to this time.
    My fiance suffers from depression which I’ve been trying to be helpful and supportive with. It worries me to no end and at times can be very frustrating for both of us. Seeing Simon’s example towards you is so inspiring. Although I won’t be able to lift my much-heavier-than-me fiance up physically, I want to be able to up lift him emotionally. I’m definitly going to write out your quote of doing it all rather than doing nothing at all. I love taking trips places and we are aiming to take our honeymoon in S Korea and Tokyo later this year. We will aim to add ladder rungs with all the new experiences as we start our life together! Thank you so much Martina and Simon.
    -Shannon

    5 months ago
  16. Hi Martina,

    First of all I would like to say you’re awesome and inspiring and brave and amazing.
    I suffered a lot the past year getting over a relationship. Tried my best to be the best girl for him and lost myself along the way. Cried and begged and all kinds of embarrassing things. I stopped functioning as a normal human, quit my job, stayed home all day and my health was getting from bad to worse. But when I realize I might have been cheated on all along, I just tell myself I’m gonna be the queen of my life! I won’t allow someone to have such control over my emotions. I threw away everything, blocked him everywhere and start to talk to more people and know more people.
    Although I can’t say I have fully recovered but watching your videos really cheers me up and make me think there’s still so many things I wanna do.
    It will take some time for me to love again but I’ll keep moving forward!
    Thank you for sharing! You’re my inspiration!

    5 months ago
  17. Hi Martina,

    I do not have depression but my best friend (of 15 years) does. Last year he suddenly went MIA and stopped talking to me for 3 months. No replies to calls, texts, or even when I went over to his house.

    He’s come out of the pit since then, but during that time I researched scientific journals, articles, and basically anything I could to try to understand what depression is and why my friend had ceased all communication. It was a difficult period not only for him, but for me too.

    Thank you for making this video because I’m sure it took a long time to understand and manage your depression. The more exposure this topic gets, the less people will feel stigmatized, and reach for help.

    5 months ago
  18. Thank you so much for being so honest with us, Martina!! Depression is so real and so prevalent everywhere but so few people are willing to talk honestly about it. I hope you gained strength just by putting the video out there. In my experience, it takes a massive weight off your shoulders just being honest and vulnerable (even though i hate letting people see my weakness).

    I’m not a believer of the “everything happens for a reason” mantra, so I wouldn’t want to say that you deal with these things for a reason. BUT I DO think you are so lucky to have all of us Nasties to maybe sometimes put you in a better mood… and in turn, we Nasties are so lucky that we subscribe to two amazing people who we can learn from, be encouraged by, and relate to. So THANK YOU for showing us what you see in Korea and Japan and for showing us what it really means to stick with a friend/husband/wife through thick and thin (major respeck to Simon).

    I hope you find peace in your journey up the ladder. Sending you love and hugs!!

    5 months ago
  19. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for over half my life, and there comes a point when it is a part of you who you are. I think that’s the part that “healthy” people have a hard time understanding – we feel like we’re fighting ourselves and it feels much easier to just give in and let the depressed part win. It also takes so much energy to accept that this awful feeling, while being all-consuming, is a part of you that you have to deal with just to get through the day.
    I had been in a deep, dark pit for over two years, but finally sought help last summer and I’m beginning to see the good in life again. I can’t agree with you more about setting up small goals – I’m still at the stage where eating three meals a day is an accomplishment, but it feels good when I do it. Funnily enough, I also went the knitting route, down to having the goal of going to the store to buy the yarn!
    Thanks for sharing your struggles. I know it’s hard to tell people that you’re suffering, especially when you’re trying so hard not to show it, but there’s strength in not having to hide it. And you have an amazing support system in Simon and all us Nasties. Keep doing you, girl – we’re right here with you!

    5 months ago
  20. Having to stay at the hospital right now, again, and having my 6th surgery within the last two years, your video just really built me up so much, thank you! It felt so good to hear that I am not crazy for doing sightseeing in japan even though my legs feel like they are on fire everytime I stand, walk or move and going to a club in seoul even though I have been doing sightseeing in asia for 2 weeks and experiencing the most pain I ever had. I didn’t regret it. It’s really hard to live with that pain every day but experiences like these, even though they make the pain worse, are what keeps me going. I’m crying in silent support right now, it is amazing how you deal with everything and still inspire people and help them deal with their own demons. Thank you so much Martina:)

    5 months ago
  21. Thank you for Sharing this with us. We all Love you and are with you all the Time. <3

    5 months ago
  22. Hi Martina, I don’t even know if you would get to read this… but I know for sure that your inspirational words saved a life today. We love you… and I just want to thank you for opening up your life to all of us.

    5 months ago
  23. I hugged my computer halfway through this video…

    After moving to Japan my joints went haywire and i’ve been struggling with my ligaments and just getting to work and being a responsible adult. Hug Hug times a million.

    5 months ago
  24. I know this was a hard video to do, but i really can not thank you enough <3 SUPER INTERNET HUG!

    5 months ago
  25. This was hard to watch Martina, but only because we’ve been with you for a long time. When you cried, I cried too.
    I had the honor of meeting you once (very briefly, in a subway. You and Simon were wearing super lame matching tracksuits), but even though you don’t know much about the other side of the screen, a lot of us have grown with you.
    Martina, my sister, thank you. We already had an idea. Your pain is becoming more apparent and we are proud of you for being strong, and greatful to you for staying with us.
    We will be with you, like we have been from the start, so do what you have to to stay happy and healthy.

    I love you. We love you. Every side of you.

    5 months ago
  26. Love you, too. So much! You’ve brought me so much happiness and made me smile with every video you guys have made. Thank you for sticking through everything to be here today with us. You are our irreplaceable magical unicorn and we’ll always be here to give you our love and hugs. <3

    5 months ago
  27. This video is incredibly brave and wonderful, thank you so much for sharing <3 <3 <3

    5 months ago
  28. As all the nasties electronic devices are now broken because of people trying to jump in and give you a gigantic group hug! Martina FIGHTING!

    5 months ago
  29. Hi Martina! Im from argentina, soooo my english sucks, but, is enough to write XP.
    Last winter a fell on the ice geting my ski boots, i hurt my butt a lot, but i ignore it because it did not seem serius. One month later my back start yo hurt, like a lot. A went to de doctor, he made analisis that took two months to complete. Nothing, i had nothig, but my back hurt more and more, i could´t sleep because of the pain, or sitting or standing and the remedies they gave me did not do anything to me (And, on the top of that my depression came back). So, he dicide to infiltrate me, is some kind of pain block where they
    stuck needles on my back and shoved me in and out of a tomograph (with the nedles still stuck!)until they finally injected me.

    The pain went away for a month, but it turned worse than before. To make matters worse, my mother decided to kick me out of my house, so this beginning of the year has been very hard. Several times I thought about killing myself in the last month, and although this seems a letter about the tragic that is my last year, I wanted to tell you that I go ahead mostly thanks to you and the videos that you do. This video helped me a lot. I always think that if you do not stay seated self-pitying, I will not either. Thanks for everything Martina. I love you soooooo much!
    PS: When I’m a big woman, I hope to be just as great as you, full of tattoos and colored hairs.

    5 months ago
  30. Hi Martina. I would like to start of with saying thank you so much for making this video, even though it was hard for you. I have been following you guys since 2012 and I have also met you on different occasions and you are both the loveliest people. I have been dealing with depression since I was around 8 years old (I am now 20) and the ‘1 negative 2 positives’ method you guys talked about a couple of years ago really helped me change the way I look at life. I am living in Korea now, alone for the first time, and going to sleep is a big challenge because of my anxiety and depression so I started listening to your podcasts at night and it calms me down. I love and adore you both so much and hearing you talk about your depression breaks my heart but it also makes me so happy that you have a husband who would walk through fire for you and vice versa. You are so strong and inspirational for getting through this the way you have.

    5 months ago
  31. Fighting Martina! :) You made the right decision! And you know what? If you do not have these problems probably you would never leave Canada ever and see those wonders!

    5 months ago
    • Oh, and I wanted to say too, that I do not feel sorry in the common way for you. It is not necessary, and wouldn’t help at all. But I really truly respect the strength in you and in the relationship with Simon. I respect your brave attitude to go against your boundaries!

      5 months ago
  32. I also wanted to thank you for being open about this. I completely agree with your building a ladder out of the pit; it’s something with which I’m familiar. Seeing other people talk about this helps, and I know hearing about other people’s coping mechanisms can help others to develop their own.

    Mostly, I’m glad that you have support and love in your life and can build that ladder one rung at a time. And that you’re willing to share these joys with us.

    5 months ago
  33. Martina – Thank you sooooo much for sharing! My daughter, who just turned 20 yesterday, has EDS and it has totally changed our lives. She constantly deals with pain and depression and spends many days in bed watching Netflix. She hasn’t been able to do the things that her friends have done, and hasn’t been able to find a job that she is able to do. Your videos have been an encouragement to her because she sees you having fun. This video will help even more….showing that you have depressing days, just like she does…..and even more important, how you deal with them. You are great role model for her! You will never know how much you and Simon have impacted our lives! She was in a dark pit until she found your videos. Don’t ever feel bad about sharing what you’re going through….it helps her know that she isn’t alone! I wish that I had a magic wand that could cure EDS. Sending love and gentle hugs!

    5 months ago
  34. ah, every day is fighting and trying to think that there are other people who live worst than me :/ i really hate depression, because there is no reason why i feel so bad and i really hate that. For me helps listen to music i always walking with headphones and on my free time i watching something funny, avoiding movies who makes stress. Korean TV show are perfect to me. Also i noticed, that very strong and positive people gives me lots of energy… it’s like you Martina with Simon give us good emotion’s explosion.
    Girl keep of positive and fight hard as we can!

    5 months ago
  35. Red

    Martina, i’ve followed you guys for so long and i admire you so much, for being able to still stand above all of your problems.
    My family had a rough patch and things are not simple, im starting to fight to get my own business, and sometimes i feel like im not good enough to carry on with it, having people working for me and that im so afraid to disappoint, but hey, knowing that you could overcome something as difficult as EDS, gets me thinking, gets me going.
    You are a true inspiration, i’ve cried when you guys moved to japan and i’ve cried seeing you cry… im sure so many people feel heartbroken to see you sad but you must also know that everyone commenting here also feels inspired and warmed by your words.
    Love from Peru!

    5 months ago
  36. It is a hard thing to do, but thank you for opening up and sharing this. We all love and support you. I can really relate to this video, as I have a condition that will never change (amputee here!). It’s hard to get passed that idea that nothing can change it, that the pain that comes with the condition (physical, emotional, or both) will never completely fade. Since I started watching your videos, you’ve really helped me look at and react to the world in a different way. I took your mantra to heart and started telling myself to see the positives in the world. So I just wanted to say thanks, you guys have made such a positive impact on my life. Keep doing what you do, and know that people are here for you.

    5 months ago
  37. I figured my second comment would be easier to find on the blog post so here it is. My friend, who has a loving husband that I had the honor to meet/work with, has EDS. She has a job putting up signs with him as their everyday job. What makes me proud of being her friend, while learning about the condition, is knowing that despite all the pain she had a baby.(Note this isn’t meant to be a “don’t be sad look at what others deal with kind of comment) Keep dancing, eating, climbing, surfing, writing, exercising, and doing whatever makes you happy because If she can do that and still be a boss a** b***h I know you can too Martina :)

    5 months ago
  38. It really breaks my heart to see you cry like that on camera, I started crying immediately. But at the same time, I’m happy to see you open up about it and find the strenght to talk about such a difficult topic. I’m proud of you Martina, I’m happy to learn that all those things that might seem silly like dying your hair pink and having wolverine, meemers, spugdy, a cupcake, and a rainbow tatooed on your arm, have actually a really important meaning to you! I love you so much! You have no idea how many times you’ve helped me feel better when I was having the worst days in my life. I’ve always been depressed, but I started becoming happier and more positive after discovering your channel 6 years ago… I started using your advices on how to become more grateful, more positive, and to never take anything for granted. Simon and you became my role models. I learned so many things from you guys. Thank you for all the times you’ve made me feel better, for helping me become who I am today, and for making me want to live without regrets ^^ There are some days where everything is fine, but then there are others where we feel like we’ve fallen back into depression and that we can never be able to escape from it… But we gotta stay strong and wait for better and happier days… I wish all the best. Stay strong~

    5 months ago
  39. Hi! I have not had time to watch the video yet, but I saw the title and read the blog post and my first reaction is the same.
    Hi. I love you. I support you. I also have some really shitty neurochemical imbalances that sometimes knock me silly and make everything terrible even when it is objectively not actually that bad? But I am so so glad you have added extra rungs to your ladder and have awesome friends family and other support systems to hold you up. Your videos have made me laugh on bad days. I met you in Seoul at your coffee shop and again in New York at a meetup and your presence in my life has been an entirely positive one. (Also you inspired me to actually visit Korea and Jeju is still the most beautiful place I have ever been.)
    So hello. I love you, I support you, and if you ever have a bad brain day and need to read that again and again please do.

    Also I call me chronic depression my neurochemical imbalance because that is what it is. My brain does not process Serotonin correctly. It is not something wrong with me as a person. It is an illness that I have to deal with. Almost every genetically female person I am related to has the SAME THING from about puberty until their mid 40s. (Only 10 years to go yay me!) And now we have medicine to correct the issue and we are able to talk about it in public and say – wait, shit, this is GENETIC. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME AS A PERSON. OR YOU AS A PERSON.

    So again. I love you. I support you. You do what you need to do to deal with whatever your brain chemistry is throwing at you today. You got this.

    5 months ago
  40. Thank you for opening up about this. I struggle too and honestly the past couple of weeks have been the hardest in a long time. I needed to read and see this today, so thank you. I look up to you guys a lot and knowing that you struggle too definitely gives me a little more motivation to keep going. Because you deal with it too, but look how many awesome things you’ve done? I hope I can do that too. ❤️

    5 months ago