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An Open Talk About My Depression

February 8, 2017

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Are you prepared for a really emotional video? Cause wow…this was a hard video for me to film.

I was really hesitant about sharing this with everyone because I didn’t want the end product of this video to be sadness. I didn’t want to share my feelings with you all and for you to leave the computer feeling sad. Simon and I have been talking about sharing this video with you all for a long time, and I think I finally felt comfortable sharing it when I was able to get a grasp on how it is that I deal with my depression. I didn’t want to just tell you all “hey I suffer from chronic depression.” I wanted to talk about it once I had the words to explain how I handle it.

We talked about it a lot, which I think is really important because you can often be caught inside your own head and not fully understand what you’re feeling. And that’s challenging, because depression is really isolating, even if you’re in a room full of people. If you stay inside your own head, you start to believe the things you tell yourself, as if they are facts. Without being checked by the outside world, you can fall even deeper into your own negative thoughts.

Those days that I was my lowest, I kept thinking something must be wrong with my life for me to feel this way. But the more I dug into it, the more I realized that I don’t really have anything to complain about in my life. I am the happiest I have ever been, personally and professionally, but my body and my pain is the worst its ever been. Even though I am mentally in a happy place, my body is sending out distress signals due to the constant pain, and that distress is wrecking havoc on me mentally. But it wasn’t always so obvious. I had to break down and scrutinize every aspect of my life to see if something was wrong. I looked at my job. Was I happy as a YouTuber? Yup. Totally. It’s the most fulfilling job I can think of. I actually think it might be the most fulfilling job in the world, if you have a kind audience (like we fortunately do). I looked at my husband. Is Simon doing something wrong? Am I upset with him? Nope. He’s fantastic and supportive and my best friend. Am I angry at my friends? Family? Pets? Co-Workers?…the list went on and not matter how much I searched for “issues” with my life, I found that I didn’t have any. This long hard look at my own life and what I perceived as bringing happiness or sadness gave me a feeling of both relief and dread. I realized that the outside sources in my life were not the problem. It was a problem I was dealing with in my own head. Even though I am currently living my dream life, living in Japan which is something I wanted since I was a child, and I’m living a great life here, depression doesn’t care what state I’m in, and has come along for the ride.

It isn’t something I can fix with money or lifestyle changes. And I think this is a really important point because a lot of people think that if they were millionaires that could have all the cars, houses, food, girls, guys, clothing, jewelry, and vacations in the world they would be totally happy. But that is just not the truth. I have a favourite quote from Jim Carrey who said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” Since I have come to that same conclusion, I realize that I need to see my depression as a chemical reaction, not as a byproduct of my life. It can feel impossible to fight against an emotional feeling, but you can do it. It is not impossible. You acknowledge that what you are saying is mean and untrue. You are whispering negative things to yourself, but you are strong enough to see those negative things and acknowledge them as wrong. It is the same as when someone looks into the mirror and calls themselves fat and ugly. The more you call yourself these negative things, the more you truly believe it. By stopping this cycle of negative thought, you stop adding fuel to the negative fire.

I still have days where I feel totally despondent and sad, but now I know that they are coming. Now I see these days are a write-off where I have to just take a bath, watch a show, or check out mentally. When I was younger, these days blindsided me. I felt overhwmelend and alone with emotions. I let them wash me down a river of negative thoughts. I believed all the negative thoughts I was having, and I would act on them. And…I tried to kill myself because of it.

That was really hard for me to say. It’s a deep dark secret that has embarrassed me and stayed with my for many years. I didn’t talk about it in my Draw My Life video. I wasn’t comfortable enough with it yet. I feel embarrassed about it now because it’s not a decision I would ever make again. It was a selfish decision that would have hurt my friends and family, and it’s embarrassing to say out loud because I feel like it was such a fucking stupid thing that I did. But I also know that it’s a real state of mind that people feel, a real question that they ask themselves. I’m glad that I was able to get myself out of that state of mind, out of the bottom of the pit. I’m more in control now, but it’ll always be there to remind me of where I could go if I don’t keep control of myself.

The amount of rungs I’ve added to my ladder makes it a lot harder for me to get down that low again. Back then, I didn’t have anything going for me. I was despondent. And all I saw was pain. Now I realize that these emotions and feelings must be contained and dealt with. I squash them down and deal with them all into one or two days, and do my best to not let it spread. In high school and university the feeling would span across days and weeks until I was an exhausted and sad lump of Martina. Now I don’t let it get passed two days. I think that is a huge difference and I hope once day to squash it down to one day. Hopefully I can get to the point one day where I can get it down to just a few hours.

I hope that my honesty in this video didn’t make you feel to upset. I think that we are all human and all deal with different difficulties, and I know that my difficulty is not the same as yours. But what I hope is that in sharing this video, we can all open up and share other ways in which we deal with our lowest days. Or if it’s too personal for you to share, and you don’t feel comfortable (because I wasn’t comfortable for years, and I still feel scared talking about it), I hope at least you can see with my example that, even though I have chronic depression, and I will never be able to fully get rid of it, I’m learning how to live with it and manage it. I hope that you can do so as well. I love you guise.

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An Open Talk About My Depression

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  1. Thank you for this. It gives me a lot of hope. I believe we are about the same age and I have been dealing with this anxiety/depression mess for as long as I can recall. I think we may may deal with it very similarly and it’s nice to know someone out in the world feels like I do sometimes. And even though we come off as Happy Happy Happy!!!! to outside folks, the struggle is rough but if you are like me – you don’t want everyone else to have to deal with your emotions. But anywho, thanks so much for doing this, you’ve really made me smile today. :)

    4 weeks ago
  2. Thanks for sharing your experience, Martina. This is the first time I’m commenting online ever but I know I had to since I was crying throughout the video. It is very timely and resonated with me since I’m currently experiencing a particularly severe situational depression. I can say that I’m at the bottom of the pit and your video helped me to try to fight back or try to get myself out of this pit. I know it’s a long road ahead but it’s a little bit consoling to know that I’m not alone. When you opened up your experience, it made me realize that even very happy-looking people have struggles too and that we all have crosses to bear. I’m a fan of your videos since you guys started but I love you guys even more for sharing both your happiness and struggles. Good luck to you and Simon! :D

    4 weeks ago
  3. Oh no… the formatting. Sorry about the wall of text in my previous comment. I don’t know how to edit or delete it. It seems to display properly in my profile, though.

    1 month ago
  4. Thank you for making this video, and for the ladder metaphor. I don’t know how to put in words just how grateful and moved I am. I sobbed, and laughed a bit too, and definitely felt a bit better than before I watched the video.

    It SUCKS that you have EDS. It’s so unbelievably fucking terrible. But then… it’s not unbelievable, is it? It’s real, and there to stay, and medical science is just more useless than it has any right to be.

    I don’t have chronic pain. I do have endogenous depression (thankfully less severe over the past 3 years or so). It had probably been creeping up on me for a while, but exploded in a big way several years ago when I suddenly and inexplicably lost more than half my hearing in one ear – and gained 24/7 severe tinnitus and sound distortion at the same time. It sounds stupid and neurotic (even the word ‘tinnitus’ sounds stupid), but I literally have not had one moment of silence since 2010. As someone who perhaps disproportionately enjoyed peace and quiet, and also listening to small details in music, this messed me up for a long time. I was constantly afraid of suddenly losing the rest of my hearing, and couldn’t find the quiet I needed to de-stress. Going outside was physically painful because certain traffic noises were distorted and too loud. I didn’t want to talk to people because I felt bad about having to ask them to repeat themselves so many times.

    At the same time I was struggling to find full-time employment. I failed my postgraduate studies because I couldn’t sit down and concentrate long enough to write assignments (thanks, tinnitus). I developed a string of insanely negative self-thoughts. Ok, it wasn’t just a string, it was chainmail – that’s how solid my reasoning seemed. I felt like I was useless and didn’t deserve to live, had daily suicidal ideations, but could never quite go through with it properly. And felt a corresponding increase in self-contempt.

    And then… somehow I got a job teaching English to kids in rural/regional Japan (where I’ve always wanted to try living for a while). It definitely hasn’t been all sunshine and roses over the past 3 years here, but I feel like I can breathe. I have space, but there’s usually enough ambient noise to compete with the tinnitus. That’s mostly thanks to the job – I’m usually listening (I make sure the speaker is not to my immediate left), or talking, not staring at a blank document with just the noise in my head for company. And the important part is probably that the work isn’t about ME – it’s about the kids and their learning. It’s easier to work on something when I don’t have time to obsess about my own self-worth (the kids are a handful – equal parts headache and hilarious).

    Teaching a second language to children has also helped me to be a lot less nitpicky and judgmental, and to be more patient. I’m not quite sure how, but it might have something to do with focusing on the importance of communication (as opposed to grammatical perfection). I’m a little bit more relaxed about and forgiving of myself.

    Another big help has been the change in environment – new stimuli and all. Not just man-made, but completely different geography, flora and fauna to what I’m used to. I can stare out of the train or bus for hours. While walking around, I stop to take photos of weeds and find that 10 minutes have passed. I can still spend an hour just exploring the supermarket, especially the seafood section.

    I’m not too fond of phrases like ‘get inspired’ or ‘love life’ – they’re overused – but their core message is vital. If I can find a little joy, a little more love – if not for myself, then for the world we live in – in one fleeting moment in a day, maybe that’s all I needed to slowly start recovering. I guess these have formed rungs to my own ladder over time. This ladder doesn’t go straight up, though. It seems to twist and turn a bit, but at least it’s not curving back down. For some reason I think of this is as a growing vine. When I think of a wooden ladder I keep imagining splinters. Sorry, can’t help it. Anyway, maybe my image works too. The vine needs sun and water too.

    For anyone out there who’s reading this, and going through their own suffering, I’m sorry there’s nothing concrete I can do to help. I can only say I genuinely wish that you find the relief you need. That you find your small, precious moments of peace and happiness in each day. That tomorrow’s world is kinder to you than it has been before. That you know that I, and many others out there, send you all of our love.

    1 month ago
  5. Sorry to hear about Martina’s health problems.
    I’m genuinely concerned.
    I know this may not be well-received, but it may have something to do with radiation.
    Tokyo area received large amount of fallout during Fukushima incident. (and probably continues to do so, as Fukushima continues to release radiation unabated)
    I hear that Japanese people are having many health problems, but the govt tries to keep everything hush-hush.
    I would recommend you to move out of the Tokyo area. Kyushu would probably be better. (I hear a lot of Japanese moved there post-Fukushima and their health improved.)

    Anyway, best wishes.

    PS: Some people may not like seeing this comment, so please feel free to delete it after you’ve read it.

    1 month ago
  6. VM

    Thank you for sharing this. As someone who also deals with depression, it’s really motivating for me to see people who inspire me like you talking about the hard times as well. I think it really adds depth to all the amazing work you guys do. I felt very emotional watching this video but also less alone. Again, thank you

    1 month ago
  7. Hi Martina!

    Have you heard of sickboy podcast? They interview people with mental and physical illnesses on the podcast, which sounds depressing, but is actually so inspiring. They even did an episode on EDS Type III! (I included a snippit below). I suggest listening to an episode when you’re feeling low and in the bathtub. I think it’s helpful to listen to other people explain how they got through their bad moments.

    Peace from Busan!

    “I dislocated my ankle attempting to swat a fly in a friend’s kitchen and ridiculously enough, I had a moment of clarity. I realized if swatting a fly was going to land me in the emergency room then no level of precaution was going to change the fact that I have a chronic illness and sometimes it’s going to win a round or two.

    So now what do I do? I dislocate joints, I spend time in various doctor’s offices and emergency rooms, but I go to music festivals, I take road trips, I’m pursuing a graduate degree, I’m planning a trip to China, creating a series of short documentary videos and I’m trying to live a life that’s more intriguing than my medical history.”

    1 month ago
  8. Awww Martina ❤️ Even if we never meet (i would love to!) i was very moved by your video i i feel so close to you that it even surprised me! I dont know what it is to live with chronic pain but i sure know that you are admirable!! ☺️ And by watching you and Simon, it gave me hope in my dreams.
    I wish you two the very best & i will stay one of your beloved fan since the beginning

    1 month ago
  9. Thank you, Martina, for sharing this with us. Even for people that don’t have chronic pain or depression, you show everyone that you should do things without regret, even though you may hurt. Don’t let the pain get to you, Nasties. Move forward always. <3

    1 month ago
  10. This is my first post ever, even though I’ve been watching your videos for years now. Despite having watched only one of your videos my husband knows your names (he loooves Coco Curry, so you can guess which one ;P), because I talk about you guys and your videos whenever a new one comes out. As an expat living in Asia, your videos and blog posts all strike a chord with me; the funny, the cute, the adventurous and the thoughtful. And this video compelled me to step out of my anonymous comfort zone and reach out.

    As someone who deals with severe and sometimes crippling anxiety, to the point of sabotaging my own life when I let it get out of hand, I’m no stranger to feelings of worthlessness, shame and depression. My mother lives with an incurable chronic illness and her own anxiety issues, which hasn’t been without its impact on me and my family. It is hard and it will never go away. It’s who I am, but it’s also something I am learning to navigate and cope with. Two days instead of weeks, and perhaps one day I’ll only need a few hours to turn around those dark thoughts. Everything you said rang so true for me, despite our very different circumstances. Sometimes I climb, sometimes I stumble back down, but I’m damned well determined to keep charging that ladder! And as I struggle, I learn new coping mechanisms to make space for the good things in life. Which brings me to this:

    I can tell you with 100% conviction that YOU, Martina, have made a difference in my life, even though we’ll probably never meet. You’re a rung in my ladder, all the way. You and Simon and your videos and your life philosophy have been an inspiration to me. You’ve helped me to become more unapologetic about who I am and the things I love, because you showed me how and paved the way. When I’m low and need a couch day away from the world, your videos keep me from feeling isolated. Something about your relentless kindness and can-do-spirit is so uplifting. When I grow cynical with expat life and become homesick, your videos help me see my host country from a kinder point of view again and rekindle that joy of exploration and discovery. When I see you and Simon, I see my husband and myself. When you try out new things, I feel the urge to go an adventure as well. Me going to Seoul, trying new foods, glueing cute crap on my BB cushion compact, proudly displaying my plushies, etc etc. That’s all you! When I watch one of your videos, it feels like meeting with old friends, or perhaps kindred spirits. The internet is bizar and wonderful that way.

    So when you talk about your struggles so bravely and openly, you’ve paved the way for me and so many others once more. To break through the silence and put yourself out there like that requires tremendous courage and strength, for which I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words, tears and advice stirred in me a feeling of recognition and hope (and some tears of my own). I’ll show my mom this video. I will keep adding rungs to my own ladder and to those of my loved ones. And even though this is just one comment, I hope it can help to shore up your ladder.

    Thank you for everything, truly (>^.^)> BEAR HUG

    1 month ago
    • (>^.^)> BEAR HUG BACK! I think it’s amazing that the internet has given us a place to meet kindred spirits in an almost pen-pal but better because it is instant communication kind-of-way. I’m so happy I can help to inspire adventure or, if you will…adding a new step to your ladder. It was a really difficult video to put out because I felt ashamed and embarrassed about my inside feelings but after reading all the comments I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders in knowing that other people are also feeling the same way I am. Thanks for taking the time to leave this great comment, you and all the others have really helped to shore up my ladder. :)

      1 month ago
  11. Hi guys! Long-time Nasties (and we finally made an account just to post this), first-time commenting. My partner and I have both suffered from depression and anxiety, and we know that you know that you’re not alone, even though on some days, knowing that doesn’t help. Martina, you’ve always been a huge inspiration to us. You’re one of the reasons we’re about to leave the US to teach English in Korea! Your spirit is indomitable–even if there are days when it’s hard to keep going, you don’t let it stand in the way of the good days. Your colorful approach to life and your drive to feel alive motivate us to try and enjoy the world with even half the spark and spunk that you can muster. We really look up to you and Simon (and da Spudgy and Meemers too) and we just wanted to let you know how much you mean to us, and please don’t feel like you have to apologize for letting your fans see into your dark places. Many of us have been there before and are there now–let us be a rung on your ladder.

    Love, Jordan, Sarah, and Wisco the cat

    1 month ago
  12. i just had to make an account so that i could comment this here…
    now, i know that this is gonna sound all dumb and stuff- but, i have been watching your videos for quite a while now… Well, that was until a few years ago.
    I watched your videos a while back, when you were still just eatyourkimchi and making all these kpop videos. I somehow lost interest and never tuned in to watch your newest videos. Fast forward to yesterday, at least two years later.
    I saw this video in the trending tab and had just the most powerful flashback of my entire life, remembering what it was like watching your videos and how much joy they brought me. I could not believe that i had forgotten all about you two.
    I am in awe as i sit here and watch this video today. All i remember from all those years back was the happy martina and the happy simon. there was no sign of anything like this, and that seems crazy. It seems so crazy because it’s so real, and i happened to forget that you are real people too. Viewers often forget that the people that they idolize are real people too, with problems of their own.You two have a way of making it seem like things like this would have never even happened, unless you would have told it like this. It was hidden behind humor, just like you said.
    Well, in the end, my point is this: i am so, so thankful that you decided to put out this video martina. i am so grateful that you decided to speak about such a hard topic in such a way. Chronic pain and depression is something that a lot of people can relate with, so i think this truly hit hard with a lot of people, including me.
    Thank you for being honest with everyone!
    (ps, i’m totally gonna watch all of your new videos now! i have a lot of work to do so that i can catch up, but i’m gonna do it! can’t wait to see what kind of adventures you’ll be having in the future :) )

    1 month ago
  13. I have never left a comment before, but I was so deeply moved by this video I had to reach out. I have been a hard core fan of yours, from all the way back in the day when Kpop Monday videos were a relatively new thing. I went back and watched your videos from the very first ones, they gave me such joy. I would watch and rewatch every day. It was a bright spot in the middle of a serious depression and life crisis that lasted for years. I was in a job I hated, a life I hated, having nothing to do with what I went to school for, living alone and miserable and isolated. I was like the walking dead. I have been fascinated with Korean and Japanese history and popular culture, and I saw how much you and Simon loved one another, and living vicariously through and your adventures gave me stregnth. I used to think – that’s where I want to get to, living a life doing what I love, around people I care about, having fun and feeling ALIVE. You helped shine a light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually I found my way up the ladder too. I am now a successful classical musician traveling between Berlin and New York, and will be moving permanently to Germany soon. It is the adventure I always wanted. And you are right- crappy feelings and “the dark times” hover over us no matter what, so why the heck not go for what you have always wanted?? Life is too short. I too told myself, I don’t want to get to my seventies wondering what would have happened if I just went for it instead of playing it safe. I don’t want to waste my life behind a desk job for 30 years. You are such an inspiration, you are stronger than you know, and remember you are surrounded by the love of your husband, family, friends, and this unbelievable network of fans you drew to yourself all on your own. Please don’t feel bad about slowing down on the posts and videos; we miss you, but I know for myself that the only thing I am thinking of when we see you less, is worrying that you are not feeling well or are having a rough time. Take one day at a time, cry if you have to, and then go out there and grab that God damn orange.

    1 month ago
  14. I made an account just so I could post this. First off, thank you so much for sharing your story and your struggles. Because you shared this part of you, I wanted to share something about me with you (it ends up happy, I promise!).
    I found your videos during the lowest point in my own life. I had just gotten out of a very abusive relationship. I had lost all my friends because of his controlling nature, and I didn’t want to hurt my parents by telling them how depressed I truly was. I’ve suffered from chronic depression since high school but this was my lowest point, I was hopeless and seriously contemplating suicide.
    I would lay in bed all day, every day, and watch videos. I was interested in Japanese culture and found your one of your older sushi videos and I loved it. I started watching all sorts of videos about your lives in Korea, the food you ate, and the beautiful places you visited. You both sort of felt like old friends telling me of your adventures.
    Slowly, very slowly, I began feeling like things weren’t so hopeless. You got me out of bed and back into the world, making black bean brownies one day, trying to attempt crazy nail art another.
    I just want to thank you for sharing your lives with us to make us happy, and I hope we can do the same for you. Two years later and I now have a full time job, a very supportive and loving friends group, a boyfriend who I love and who truly treats me right, and the best relationship I’ve had with my parents in a very long time. I still watch your videos, and they still make me so happy, every time. Thank you.

    2 months ago
  15. Martina, thank you for putting yourself out there for us. Sending you hugs and courage. You and Simon bring so much joy to my week. My mom has chronic pain and depression, and I appreciate hearing your experience and wisdom. You are brave and bold so the rest of us can be, too. Thank you.

    2 months ago
  16. Wow.
    I don’t have anything deep or inspiring to say — just want to throw one more rope into the pit, and offer one more rung for your ladder, in case you ever need to come back to these comments for some Nasty support. :) Your videos have made me smile in some of my lowest moments, and I’m so grateful that you and Simon have shared so much of your light with us despite your struggles with darkness. God bless! *Hugs*

    2 months ago
  17. Hi Martina,

    I’ve been a silent but adoring Nasty since you guise started but never commented, I suppose because I was shy. But with this brave, brilliant video, I wanted to reaffirm how deeply I love you and the work you do. The world you open to us is like a portal that radiates happiness and joy with crotch-thrusts thrown in. For those of us who love Asian culture it’s an amazing resource that gives us excitement for adventures to come, but more importantly your videos create a glow that makes us feel capable and happy in the moment. Even if we don’t ever get to Japan or Korea we feel the happiness of being transported there with you.

    I think for me, just your aesthetic is uplifting, so colorful and cute and funny. I immediately feel better when I tune in to you, and I can remember feeling that way when I was fourteen as much as now at twenty-three. I think what makes EatYourKimchi/Sushi shine is the warmth and safety you give to us that creates a powerful sense of grateful love in your viewers. We may not know you personally, but your personalities and creativity have been restorative to us.

    That’s why, sweet, delightful, funniest of chicks, I can’t help but want to punch your EDS in the cojones when I hear of how much utterly unfair pain you’ve been dealt. I’m just cut to the quick to hear about what you’ve endured. But I’m up to the brim with admiration for you. I think sensitive and intelligent people feel the darkness more keenly than others, and in this respect you’ve been saddled with a Sasquatch-sized turdalicious burden that emphasizes the shade far too often. And you own it miraculously. I have even more respect for your humor and your fierce commitment to life after hearing about your struggles. They were already spectacular before I knew of your past, now I think your attributes are magical.

    I struggle with mental illness too and understand the power and vindication that comes with recreating a life you want to live, more meaningful than it was before. You’re just divine, woman. For real. And you always look sparkly and fun. Thank you for taking care of me via the interwebnet for so many years with your awesome partner Simon, who is the Meem’s pajamas. I think your mantra is excellent and I continue to think about it these days.

    Take loads of good care of yourself, eat all de foods and snuggle lots. I have cried and internet-hugged you a few times over at this point so please accept a few more giant love squeezes. You kick butt! You have ovaries! (As opposed to having balls I guess). You the nastiest.

    Emi

    2 months ago
  18. Oh! Once you start talking about suicide I just want to jump through the screen and hug you.

    My depression comes from my bipolar disorder, which I share with my mother. I have the good fortune to know my depression will go away eventually (at which point I will have to manage the manic side as well.) It can get awfully dark, but then it gets bright again. A cycle.

    2 months ago
    • It helps tremendously to have someone supporting you. I have my wonderful husband to stick by me through thick and thin. Also it helps to talk to people who understand. For that I have friends who also suffer from depression, and of course my Mom. She’s like my best friend, and who could understand bipolar better than someone else who has it?

      2 months ago
  19. Thank you for this video. I know it must have been hard putting out this side of you. I’ve been in that dark pit too. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, because I hated myself. I don’t have any chronic issues(except insomnia, which can kinda?(sleeping pills) be fixed), so that just made me feel worse. I felt like I was worthless. I still do. This video gave me strength to keep going. I will try to build ladders out of my pit because you’re right. If I am okay with disappearing, I might as well do everything I want to do before I disappear. Thank you again for sharing this. It helped. At least for me. I feel like I can get of out this pit now. #buildladders

    2 months ago
  20. This video is so moving and motivational. What you said about adding rings to the ladder is what I try and do as much as possible.

    The depression I suffer is not from a chronic condition. I have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder l, which is a result from witnessing up close and nearly being killed in a school shooting in May of 1998. I watched people I knew get shot, and not all of them made it. It took me years to get to the point where I could even talk about it. I sometimes will randomly replay the event in my mind at random. But the small things in my life are what I try and use to add those rungs. I love William Shatner and his music. I watch a lot of anime. I play video games. I don’t have enough to afford and adventure so I try to find them in my life. But there are days where it is hard. I panic if I hear a siren from a ambulance, hospitals make me nervous, and while I am not anti-gun the sight of them can leave me trembling. Then in 2012 my mother, fav teacher, and brother in law all passed away within a month. So the rungs become less. But I started adding them back. I was a intern on a hilarious radio show where I had a lot of fun. I graduated from the University of Oregon. I played a nerf war for charity.

    Martina you are amazing and the love that Simon and you share is so precious. You guys have motivated me over the years so much with the videos, especially the old open the happy ones and anything with spudgy and meemers. I wish I could thank you in person and tell you how much you guys mean to me.

    2 months ago
  21. I’m not sure if you’ll get the chance to read every comment (there’s so many lovely notes here and on youtube) but I still just want to post my own response to this video in the chance that you’ll see it.

    Thank you so much for posting this video, despite how hard I know it must be for you to talk about these issues. I’ve been dealing with depression on-and-off since I was about 13 (I’m 25 now) and I know how difficult it can be to open up about the low points and even just the day-to-day struggles. I don’t suffer from chronic pain, but I’ve had days where I can’t get myself out of bed for no other reason than my brain has decided it doesn’t want to work with me today. I’ve missed events and things with friends because I couldn’t get myself to go. And a long time ago, I self-harmed. It’s so difficult to talk about, especially when there still is such a gap between how some people perceive depression and chronic illness and the reality of suffering from it.

    Your ladder analogy though? That was… honestly, it was so wonderful because it really is the small things that start to bring you up. A few years ago, while I was still in college, I was going through a particularly rough point and felt pretty hopeless. A friend suggested a youtube channel to me that she liked watching for kpop music reviews and korean food reviews and I thought – what the heck, if I’m going to spend too much time curled up in bed because my brain chemicals hate me, I may as well watch cool people talk about a place I know nothing about and delicious looking food. Your videos became a bright spot, a highlight of each week. It was a rung added to a shaky ladder and it made such a huge difference in my life, even if I remained just one anonymous view on a video.

    It wasn’t just the food or places you showed the viewers though. I have to say, seeing you guys try new things whenever you could – whether it be food or a new hairstyle or whatever – and be so much yourselves was such a boost. I love that you guys are unapologetically yourselves. Martina, I love that you continue to wear cute things and bright colors and have adorable accessories and encourage your viewers to be themselves. It’s made me feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and embrace the things that make me happy in small ways.

    Martina, I’m sorry that you have days where everything sucks. There is really no other way to put it. But I’m so glad that you continue to fight. I’m glad you’re surrounded by people and animals that love you so much and that you and Simon share your adventures with us. But most importantly, thank you for being a bright spot in the dark, a rung in the ladder, for so many of your viewers and for living so vibrantly.

    <3

    2 months ago
  22. Made this account to say I totally understand the “going to do it anyways even if it hurts more” mentality. After 3 knee surgeries (and still having crazy problems) I should basically not do any of the things I do for fun (also Dr directed). If I go to a concert and just stand still for 3 hours I can barely walk the next day (I have a knee sleeve that helps quite a bit, but it doesn’t stop the pain, just the dislocating.) People at work can usually tell when I played soccer over the weekend because I can barely walk, but I’ve never been more depressed than the times where I let it keep me from doing the things that I like to do.

    Taking my first trip to Japan and Korea this year. Going to do a lot of walking. It’s going to suck/be amazing.

    2 months ago
  23. Much love and respect Martina for being open and brave and to Simon for being awesome!!!I hope you know how much you are loved by us nasties. I have followed you guys since the beginning and your videos have cheered me up when I was down. Hugs to you both.

    2 months ago
  24. I have too many thigns I wanna say and too few ways to say them, so I’ll keep it simple.
    I have, for years, told you guys about how you’re beautiful people and how you inspire me and I enjoy your videos.
    This just adds another layer to that beauty. As someone who has depression, who has managed to start dealing with it on my own, I know how you feel and seeing someone put it so wonderfully into words…
    It’s touching beyond any measure and the genuine emotions you share, they bring out genuine emotions in your Nasties and your subscriber and while I teared up through this, I also laughed and smiled towards the end. You are amazing, the both of you. And don’t worry about getting fat, just be nice to your dothraki, eh? =)

    2 months ago
  25. You two helped me get through a dark time in my life. This fall was my first semester at college. Being away from my home and partner and having anxiety/depression really got to me and I began to isolate myself from everyone. I only left my dorm to go to class. I was starving myself cause I was too scared to go to the campus cafeteria. I lost 30 lbs in 2 months. So I decided I needed to start eating again but I was no longer hungry. This seems stupid but I would go get Chinese take out and watch your FAPFAPs once a day so I wouldn’t have to eat alone. And now I eat at least 2 meals a day and my anxiety is back under control. Thank you for helping me and saving my life. Love you guys!!! You both are so strong, especially you, Martina, you always beat the odds and walk to your own beat of the drum. You are amazing and so inspiring. Keep being you. <3

    2 months ago
  26. Love you too, Martina. *hugs

    2 months ago
  27. I managed to hold it together through the Martina tears and the hard time stories…then Simon walks in and the look on his face… Now I’m sitting at my desk at work trying to hold a well of tears in my eyes. T_T

    This is an extremely inspiring video. I’m lucky enough not to have chronic depression or a chronic pain/illness but like everyone in the world, I have those really down times that try to tear me apart.

    When I first went away to college ( I went to an out of state school) I had a really hard time and felt really alone and deserted and I went to that dark place. I don’t struggle as much with those feelings but I do still get really down when life is hard. I like Martina’s mantra – if you’re going to end it all why not do everything you want? I k now that it’s evolved to be more positive but the thought is still powerful and I think I can use it in my life. Also this: “I need to see my depression as a chemical reaction, not as a byproduct of my life” – powerful words. Seriously.

    This is kind of all over the place….but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this with us. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to share this with so many people and I appreciate that you think so highly of us to give us a look into your life.

    And to anyone out there who is struggling with anything – #buildaladder. One rung at a time.

    2 months ago
  28. Hello Martina,

    Thank you for sharing about chronic depression.
    Unfortunately chronic pain and depression come hand in hand and as you said, it’s how we deal with it that makes a difference.

    I’ve always been in pain, for as long as I can remember, only recently I was told (by my surgeon) that I was just “unlucky”, I have weak bones and no matter what I do to stay healthy and pain free, I will especially always have issues with my back and legs. I’ve had an operation on my back for sciatica in November of last year, a nerve was knicked during the operation and my left foot is not co-operating with me. Silly foot. Still on crutches and in a different kind of pain. I’m just looking forward to my nerve healing which will take about a year. Yay!
    I walked in to the operating room and came to with a paralysed leg (drop foot or foot drop in medical terms).

    I’m writing this coccooned in bed, frustrated and angry that I’m missing classes (I’m a mature student at a university in the cold and wet of England).
    Cold and wet hurts too.

    That’s not a bad thing because we need these times of coccooning or starfishing or curled up in foetal position kind of days. Not for too long though! Managed to give myself a day or two max before forcing myself up and out.

    What you do to live your life to the fullest every day that you can, I try to do too.
    And I fully agree with you. Even if we’re going to be in bed for the next week because we can’t move and the pain is horrendous, go to that concert you wanted to go to, have a few drinks and a laugh with friends even if you’re in agony from the chair you’re sitting on, climb the mountain, walk for miles…do it all! We cannot let depression win over every single time or else we will have done nothing.

    Suicidal tendencies were always there, they still are, but having younger sisters kept me from going through with it because we only had each other for support, I couldn’t just leave them alone in the world we were in. It wasn’t pretty at the time.

    I’ve tried antidepressants and personally it’s a big resounding no, just no.

    I used to hurt myself instead when I was younger. I don’t know what goes on in our heads sometimes. Especially in the teenage years. I don’t even know how to explain it, the scars are still here after all those years. I’m an old fart now at 31.

    We do need to have more people open up about these issues, it’s a big step in the positive direction of things. Just talk, on an open platform about everything and anything.

    Instead of getting angry at yourself for feeling depressed, just know there is only one way out of it, and that is to go through it. And you will.

    Depression is something that may always be there like a dark cloud, but it does not define us.

    Know you are not alone and that we want you all to live!

    I send you all love and hugs, light and positive energy! X

    H Zoë H.

    2 months ago
  29. i cried so much specially towards the end~ simon is the bessstttt !! thank you for sharing these to us T^T too much emotions i can’t T^T why do i feel like i feel you!?!? XD my depressed moments are probably nothing compared to martina’s and most people but, when i do, your videos are such great help! realizing that even the little things that we do can do so much <3

    2 months ago
  30. Thank you for sharing with us Martina. I am not one to comment but I thought you should know how big of an impact you have had on my life. You inspired me to step outside the comfort zone of the US, get a passport, and see the world. (I’m not kidding: Korea <-1st time abroad as an exchange student, Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, Myanmar, Japan, Philippines,Denmark, Germany, Netherlands,France,Wales,England <- currently reside as an int'l student) You two made a world traveler/expat out of me! I truly do not and cannot thank you enough, and I know I'm not the only one. Maybe on days when you don't feel up to your own adventure, you can think about how many lives you've affected and the people all around the world that are stepping off of a plane in a new country because of your words and enthusiasm. I know all of us in internet land want nothing more but to give back a fragment of what you have given us. We will always be cheering you on, so please don't feel the need to hide your pain or apologise for a pity party. Martina 파이팅! <-(I got that tattooed to my thigh last summer to cover my own battle wounds.파이팅 not your name ;] )

    2 months ago
  31. When you reached out to us for a hug, I hope you felt all the hugs from everyone watching & me giving you a hug right back. ~~~~~~~~
    Three quick things: 1.) As hard as it was to talk about, I really appreciated you talking about it & explaining the Martina way of looking at the evil-self-talk & how to give it the finger. It really clicked with me & I really, really needed someone to reach me the way that you did so that I can start fighting back, too. 2.) THANK WHATEVER POWERS THAT GOVERN GOODNESS IN THE UNIVERSE THAT YOU DIDN’T SUCCEED BACK THEN AT YOUR ATTEMPT. Both you & Simon are my Everyday Heroes because your videos =all of them, no matter how many times I’ve seen them= bring light to my life by just being yourselves & clearly loving each other & what you do. Thank you both & thank you, Simon, for being such a strong Dothraki Man Warrior & working out so that you can toss Martina over your shoulder, like a Man ^_^. You touch so many lives with each word you blog & blog as a Positive force in the Netverse & IRL. 3.) You know, that unfortunately, there are numerous idle, ignorant, vindictive & downright evil people who love exploiting “weakness” & pounce on anyone that they think they can shame or tear down. Please, please, please, please, please don’t listen to anything negatively said to you guise, whether it’s disguised as “constructive criticism” or is just openly & clearly an attack. There are more people who support you both that never write & maybe will never write a single word to you guise in any form: but they feel the same way I do. Idk you irl, but I sincerely love you both because of how you make me feel.
    ~~~~~~~~~
    Martina, I negatively self-talk myself every time I get dressed to go anywhere. I used to be much slimmer/sexier but Life happened & I can’t help comparing the Then me vs. Now me. I also lost my house in the market crash/Bubble Burst & was laid-off on top of that. I’ve yet to recover my confidence & I’ve lost the strong, positive person that I used to be. It’s been seven years & I have a emotionally debilitating fear of failure. I haven’t worked since. I know that I can try things & I know that I can actually do things, but my fears are so strong they turn everything around in my head until I’ve reasoned I’ll fail anyway & disappoint my husband, family & friends so that I won’t even try. It’s stupid; I know it’s stupid… But I can’t get past it. My stomach clenches, I actually get vertigo & nauseous if I think about it too hard that the only way I even talk myself into getting out of the house is by habitually waiting until the last minute to start getting ready & just rushing out of the house as quickly as I can so that I don’t have time to really worry myself sick. I’m a bit of a nervous ball of energy when I do get wherever it is I had to go, but at least I’m there. What you’ve said made me really evaluate what I’m doing & I’m going to try to put it to work for me. You did really make something in me “sit up & say, ‘Hey, that really makes sense'”, where so many other people & even friends have talked at me or talked down to me & have even asked, “what’s wrong with you?” & made things worse because it made me feel worse. Something in my brain **heard** you & I felt something click. I’m going to try & nurture it to fight my weak self & challenge my positive self to do better. I get you saying that you may never fight your depression down completely– I think that I was thinking that it’s something that I can “get over” but I get it now that it’s going to be there lurking just out of sight no matter what I day/week/year it is, so I just need to work with it & stop thinking it’ll just go away. Acknowledging that, I think, has changed something. I cried with you, so please don’t feel ashamed. I wish I could find cute bear clothes to wear & my hair’s too fine to take dye without breaking :(. Don’t worry about the vids in length or frequency: I’ll love you guise forever for how you’ve made my life more bearable & for all the laughs & tears along the way. Thank you.

    2 months ago
  32. Martina,
    I am sorry that you must suffer so much in your life, but I am glad that you have looked up from the pit and saw the light. Depression is difficult, I have been battling with severe depression since I was about 14 and I am almost 30. I know how it feels to be sucked down in to the void of the pit, and I am glad that you are slowly making your way out of it.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, for showing those that suffer from depression that we are not alone. That even those who appear to be the happiest, aren’t always so.

    Basically, what I am trying to say is that I appreciate you sharing this with all of us. I know how hard it can be to share these things with others, especially when you don’t personally know us. I am glad that you were able to start pulling yourself out of the pit, otherwise we would never have known you, Simon, Spudgy, or Meemers. Even though I am new to this community, your videos have make me happy. I always know that if I watch one of your videos you two will have me laughing and smiling in no time.

    Also, I want you to know that you shouldn’t feel ashamed of crying. I used to be the same way, but I have come to realize that I shouldn’t be ashamed of having feelings. It is a part of being human, yeah crying isn’t fun, but it happens.

    You’re an amazing and wondering woman, and I am glad to have stumbled upon your youtube channel. Continue adding rungs to your ladder.

    To Simon,
    You are one of the greatest human beings that I have ever seen. The love and compassion that is shared between you and Martina in this video made me cry, but in a good way. It is good to know that true love exists. I know that I don’t really have the right or that it may seem weird, but I want to thank you for being there for Martina and for not giving up on her when she has her “down” days. I have had so many people in my life say that they would always be there for me, but leave when they realized I am ‘damage’ (Yep, had someone tell me that). Anyways, this isn’t about me. Just wanted to say thank you for being a wonderful and loving person.

    PS. I know that neither of you wanted to make us cry, but once Martina started so did I. But the love between you two made me cry tears of happiness.
    OKay, seriously, I am done now.

    2 months ago
  33. Thank you for talking about this Martina. I also tried to end my life once. No one ever talks about their brushes with suicide and that makes it feel so shameful. Hearing you talk about it made me feel a bit better, like I’m not alone. Like I can succeed too. It means a lot to me.

    2 months ago
  34. Simon and Martina,

    I’m not your most dedicated fan. In fact, after watching your videos religiously for years I kinda dropped out in 2016. And then this popped up on my YouTube. And I remembered that you two are two of the very strongest role models that I have in my life. Simon and Martina, what you have done for me transcends words at this point.

    I don’t know how you do it, Martina, going out and grabbing life by the horns. Unicorn hair and godly orange groves. I don’t have chronic pain but I know what it’s like staying in bed for 24 hours straight. I even missed a final in my college class last year. But seeing this….seeing you, is so amazing. Amazing. Inspiring. If someone told me I could be like you someday….

    I hope we help you feel less alone. You certainly make me feel that way. Even after all this time. From the bottom of my heart, thank you and I love you.

    2 months ago
  35. Hello Simon and Martina,
    Thanks for sharing your experiences, I really feel that you will help people with their own battles.
    I lost my father to suicide when I was 20- he was suffering from chronic illness. Oddly enough this completely changed the way I saw my own depression. It’s really bad sometimes but now I will reach out to my support network for help and enjoy the good times all the more.

    2 months ago
  36. Hi Martina! Don’t feel embarrassed for crying. I’ve done a fair share of it too and sometimes you just need to let the tears out. Thank you for this video. It was phenomenally done. I was in a pretty dark place too last year (currently a junior). I moved from Chicago to Boston last year and I really hated my new school as it was full of really competitive, boring, and nerdy people. (I mean, I am nerdy too but these people study for fun :/) My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at the start of 2016 (she’s healthy now) and I had to keep two huge secrets from my friends. I ended up breaking down in tears when I finally worked up the courage to confide in someone. My thoughts turned pretty dark when I saw my mom crying and talking about the potential of her dying. She’s the strongest person I know in my life and it really shook me at my core to see her so miserable. It was really hard to keep all that stress on my shoulders. When I moved, I lost most contact with my friends back home and I made a few new ones here, though they are nowhere as personal and “human” as my old friends. I used to cry almost every night and I’d have trouble falling asleep because my face would be wet from the tears. When I just began accepting that I moved to a somewhat worse school, a senior at my school committed suicide. And to my shock, a very brief sense of community formed between my school of competitive robot people. But, as an alumni said, our school only supports each other in times of misfortune.They respect and love the dead, not living. I couldn’t believe that I had moved to such an apathetic town. To me, it was incredibly ignorant and alarming that the school dismissed his death as caused by academic stress and personal depression and attempted to make up for it by giving us a few days without homework. As if homework were the reason for it. The problem with my school is that the stress is perpetuated by the competitive students and the success-expectant teachers, while there is no community to support outside or personal issues. It’s so bad that we only have one “spirit” assembly every year and our homecoming got cancelled because only 14 people signed up. Weeks passed by and I began building a new ladder, trying to live a life free of others’ opinions. I got involved with clubs and music and made new friends. And just a month after Matthew left, another senior committed suicide. But this time, my school didn’t even form a community. He was mentioned once, as if obligatory, in the morning announcements the day after and teachers carried on teaching. I had a freaking TEST. Once again, I descended down a dark spiral of depression as I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if I had committed suicide. If a student who had lived here their whole life could be forgotten in a day, what would I mean, having only interacted with a handful of people here? I wondered if a third suicide, my own death, could be a political statement, a final catalyst for my school to wake the hell up and do something to fix the community. I dug myself out of the pit once again by rediscovering the things and people I loved and looking forward to the future. I reintroduced myself to anime and read manga in school. I started painting and drawing again and playing music on piano and violin for fun, after years of just learning classical stuff. And thank goodness I had you and Simon to look forward to every week. I love Japanese culture immensely and I’d love to go visit one day. I’m a lot happier now with slightly deeper relationships with my friends here and I’m really looking forward to college to meet new people. I find that talking it out and writing my feelings down really helps. And lucky you! You have Ducky and your piggy to talk to. Thank you for all you do and for making this beautiful video. Keep living life the way that you want to and enjoy every moment. Afterall, it’s your life, not your doctor’s. btw props to my man Simon proud of him for getting strong lol
    Love you and keep doing what you do! oh and sailor mercury is my fav scout! but dark lady is pretty kewl too

    2 months ago
    • btw RPDR and Steven universe are my favs! so excited for season 9 queens

      2 months ago
  37. Just wanted to share love as someone with hidden chonic pain and depression and lurker (since your adorable students trick or treating one of my favs) I want to echo the love of the Nastys! I appreciate you creating a safe space for people to share and relate. You’ve explained the duality of wanting to show only the happy fun side yet needing to be honest that you’re dealing with pain so eloquently. Not with fancy words but in a way that people can understand whether they can personally relate or understand someone they care about a little better.
    We love you even when you’re the guest of honor of a pity party or being adorably excited about something that may seem so simple. And we’re here to pout, cry, laugh, hug and learn with you.

    2 months ago
  38. I just wanted to let everyone know, that although I can’t reply to everyone, I have read every single comment that has come in so far. Thank you so much for sharing all your personal stories with me, it helps me feel like I’m not alone and keeps me determined to keep climbing. I’m so lucky and happy to be part of this amazing community of wonderful Nasties that have accepted me for who I am.

    2 months ago
    • Whenever you are feeling down, I hope that you’ll flip back to the comments here & read everyone’s stories & know that we’re all there with you in spirit. And, for every one of us that’s left a story or comment here, there are thousands — thousands!!! — of people hoping to strengthen your ladder & keep you away from *ever* falling down into that pit again.

      2 months ago
  39. Thanks for sharing Martina you are really a great girl since I watch you I’ve tried my best to keep my good attitude. Thanks for each video they are gifts for us you are awesome guys. Tons of love to you from Mexico City

    2 months ago
  40. Thank you for putting yourself out there Martina, it really does help those of us going through depression to know that someone you look up to goes through it, too. It especially helps to share how you deal with it, since I’ve been at a loss with how to deal with mine.

    I didn’t feel depressed until I got older, but I’ve always just felt super tired. I remember getting home from school one day, and I didn’t have anything on my schedule for that afternoon so I did what I often do, I watched TV while I laid on my mom’s bed. I remember wondering,”Why am I so lazy?? Why don’t I feel like going outside like other people do?”, this is what went through my head despite the fact that during certain times of the year I was crazy busy sometimes involved in two sports at the same time, and I got straight A’s on top of it, even though I spent half of each day at an advanced satellite school. But I still think I was exceptionally tired for that age, despite how much running around I had to do from my regular high school to the satellite school.

    The thing is, it was the kind of tired feeling that bothered me at times, but I just pushed through it and never talked to my mom about it. Now here I am, slightly older than both you and Simon, and whatever is wrong with me has just gotten worse. I’m also depressed because I went to one of the best universities in the U.S. and I’ve ended up in crap jobs, other than the very first job I got out of school that I absolutely hated.

    I wound up in a customer service job that I just couldn’t handle anymore because my health is so bad that I can’t talk straight hour after hour. My throat just can’t take it so I started feeling like the job was making me hyperventilate every day. I tried taking advantage of the Affordable Care Act at the time, but still couldn’t afford to keep trying to figure out some way to continue that job.

    I’ve had thoughts about just giving up as well, but something has always stopped me from thinking about it further when the thought comes up. I guess that it would be really selfish, because it would devastate my fiance, mom and the rest of my family, but I worry about what would happen to our three cats, too. My boyfriend has said he would probably give up if I did, so that also weighs on me.

    But your perspective really helped, that if you’re thinking about taking your life anyway why not just do the things you want to do? If I feel like crap anyway, I might as well at least get what positive moments I can. That actually is really, really helpful.

    Thank you again for making yourself vulnerable to help others out. I really appreciate it. I’m putting your advice up there with something else I heard recently, when that negative voice tells you that you can’t do something for whatever reason you get angry and tell it,”F-CK YOU. You won’t get to me, and I can do whatever I want.”

    2 months ago
  41. I love you Martina!!! (had to wipe away some of my own tears) I know that what you are going through is way harder than anything that I have faced; but I know what it’s like to have days where you just want to curl up in a ball and pretend that this isn’t really your life. I also know what it’s like to feel so miserable that ending everything starts sounding like a good option. For me it was when my brother died. It was so hard to deal with and go through by itself, but it was like my family and everything around us fell apart too. My home life was a mess and then I would go to school where I was constantly being made fun of and bullied. Emotionally I felt like I was drowning in a black abyss and I couldn’t see anyway out of it at the time. At one point I decided that I was just going to end everything and be with my brother again…but then I thought of my other siblings that were hurting just as much as I was…and I thought of what losing another sibling would do to them and I decided that I just couldn’t go through with it. I found out later that my sister had done the same thing. In the end we pulled each other through the darkest of it. It’s been a long time since then, but there are still rough times and days that I walk home in tears feeling so miserable and alone. Luckily I still have my sister. We text or message each other just about every day and send loves and hugs. We search youtube to find videos that we think will make the other person laugh and brighten their day (I watched your kitty conductor video a couple of times). It’s amazing how much just those kinds of things can help keep you going. (She also painted sailor moon on a messenger bag recently for me when my purse broke and I was being sad) I think that having people in your life that care about you is one of the greatest gifts there is. I am happy that you are getting to make such incredible memories and I am so very grateful that you take us along for the ride. Thank you for being a part of my life. Loves and hugs!

    2 months ago
  42. thank you for this video. i don’t know that i can adequately explain how much i appreciated this.
    so much so that i actually (finally ha) made an account on here just to say it. im incredibly asocial and talking about stuff like this is always hard.
    i’ve suffered from chronic depression for a long time, still do. as much as i feel i cant say here, i will say that everyday forward is still a struggle. but each day i make it through, each morning i wake up and continue on, even if its just to do something silly and small is a milestone for me. i have a lot of work to do to pull myself out of the grave i’ve dug myself into, but seeing things like this remind me that it is possible

    i don’t have a story of triumph, of fighting against the odds, of making it through. because i am still pulling myself through the thick of it, this mess that is my life. but i am still fighting and that has to mean something. so even though this video did make me sad, it also gave me so much hope. and for that i thank you, martina. from the bottom of my heart. (and simon too, for supporting you!)
    back into the lurk shadows i go. <33

    2 months ago
  43. I think you’re amazing and very courageous. This has been a *super inspirational party*, not a pity party. I’d love to come next time and have a chance to send love your way. I’ll bring some healthy options because I am a party pooper, haha.

    I just love your attitude. I try to have the same attitude with my own chronic illness, although mine is much less heavy than yours. I try to hold onto that “life’s too short, better a life lived than a life wasted” kind of attitude because I could relapse at any time and lose my ability to walk, or develop untreatable encephalitis in the absolute worst case scenario. I reason that because of this there is no reason to work towards the best possible version of myself. First I lost a lot of weight through a keto diet because I didn’t want to be overweight. I’ve lost 52kg now, with another 25kg to go, and I feel twice as healthy as I felt before. I previously wore all black (because black is slimming), but now I am wearing colours and cute accessories. I am learning to apply eye makeup, and wore green eyeliner today. I’m considering dyeing the lower portion of my hair a bright colour. Because why not?

    I’m finding joy in parts of my life which were boring or lacking vibrancy through the power of stickers and stuffed toys, Ouran Host Club and Sailor Moon, BIGBANG and Boards of Canada. I’m seeking new experiences because I want to look back on my life when I’m old and go, “remember when we took a super cheap 2-day trip to Korea on a whim just to try naengmyeon?” or “remember when we ate whole baby squids at that Michelin starred restaurant in Gion?”. Life is short for others’ expectations of paying off a mortgage, having kids and eventually dying in the town I was born in.

    I am the happiest me possible right now, inspired by you. Thank you so much <3

    2 months ago
  44. “A smooth life is not a victorious life”, and while most of us want a comfortable life, so few have it. And what’s the point of a smooth life, anyway? Your beautiful attitude makes you strong, and gives us nasties encouragement to face our own battles with more grace. We all love you and we root for you! I’m so glad to watch all of your videos, I almost know some of the eat your sushi episodes by heart (your positivity made a difficult time in my life much easier). Stay encouraged and beautiful!
    (and by Italian standards you’re not fat!!!)

    2 months ago
  45. Dear Simon and Martina, I felt that your release dates were spacious in between and I figured Martina wasn’t feeling well. I’ve known you since 2010, watched every video, sang along to every rap Aegyozilla made, and even though I know what’s going on behind the scenes, it was the first time I watch you cry. It was humbling and I’m happy you decide to share that part of you with us. I’m sure everyone here will say that you’ve made a difference in their lives, you probably read that once too many times, but whenever I experience something for the first time, eating Galbitang or order a Korean Street noms, I would say “Oh! That time, Simon and Martina recommended this!” as if you’re there to experience it with me. So you might not know all of us behind the screens, but you’re present in so much of our lives and so much of our experiences. I speak in “we” because I know I’m not the only one. We nasties love you. <3

    2 months ago
  46. Oh my heart! I’ve been such fan of yours’ for I think 4ish years now? I’ve been to your cafe in Korea. Sadly I never met you but girlllllll you just brought me to tears. I adore you both and I’ve had dark times and even though that I don’t know your pain, I cried right there with you. I <3 you Martina. You are amazing. And Simon, you are amazing too. #relationshipgoals <3

    2 months ago
  47. I cannot begin to tell you how deeply this video struck me. I figured something was going on with your health and hoped that it wasn’t all pain all the time.

    I get it … the struggle, the fear, the crying jags, the depression. In other comments, I mentioned that I battled cancer twice. There were days, almost every day, when I just wanted to die … the pain was too much. Your analogy of a ladder is a great one. Much like Simon, my partner, Greg, lifted me up, made me laugh, and sought ways to help me see a future with me in it. Pain sucks. Chronic pain sucketh largely.

    I feel like you are a beloved niece and want to wrap you in a blanket of unicorn love and perpetual good feels.

    2 months ago
  48. Thank you for sharing this. I’m actually using this video to help explain to other’s my situation. I don’t have exactly the same issues. I don’t have chronic pain or depression, but I do have what can be crippling anxiety, especially in social situations. Though I really wanted to go, I couldn’t get through my social anxiety to meet you guys when you were here in Seattle. I’ve struggled with my anxiety since I was 7, where my panic attacks were misdiagnosed as asthma. I was almost and adult before it got figured out and was giving no coping mechanisms. I’ve figured much of it out on my own and with the help of a couple really good doctors, but it’s never perfect. My first suicide attempt was at 12, my second at 16, my 3rd at around 24 (I am now 37). Hearing you describe your story.. I knew that story, I’ve felt it, but I’ve never been able to put it into words as wonderfully as you have. You are absolutely right, sometimes you have to focus on the small things that make you happy and build from there. Focusing on the small things, the positive things, make things bearable. It allows you to start functioning again, to find happiness again. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for doing what you do and know that I’m so happy that you’ve found your ladder. <3

    2 months ago
  49. Last week I had harsh workout and I ended with muscle sores. My legs were so stiff and painful that I had problem with walking and taking the stairs was a challenge. Then I got my period… During which (sometimes) I have 0.00% energy. I have to take sick leave. I sleep most of the time. When I have some energy I try to do some things but they exhaust me easily and again I have to sleep for hours. I felt really awful. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to have my energy back. I remember thinking that it must be really hard if you’re sick and have to suffer pain every day. And you cannot do whatever you want to do, because your body won’t let you. And that I don’t know how people handle this. For me it was only 5 days, and I knew the pain will disappear eventually. Still I was miserable most of that time. I complained to my boyfriend on daily basics. I was a whining little brat.

    SO REALLY, MARTINA I ADMIRE HOW YOU HANDLE YOUR ILNESS. And depression. It’s sad to hear that you suffer so much sometimes. But still you told us that was the best year of your life. So I’m happy about that. When I watch your videos I often think how a great life you have. You eat great food, you go to amazing places and met amazing people. This video make me realize how hard it’s for you to do all those things. I already knew that it’s not all unicorns and rainbows all the time. But now I see that you have to literally work for it. For your life and happiness. Another reason to look up to you. Now I know that every time I’m gonna be down I’ll think of you. That I also have to work for it. To have it all and do it all. Because nothing is holding me back.

    AND SIMON YOU’RE A GREAT MAN. A REAL MAN. You’re a real role model to all those men out there. You should be an idol for young men. A real man to look up to you. They should learn from you how to take care of a family. Martina is lucky to have you. Every woman would be lucky to have you. You’re doing a great job!

    2 months ago
  50. Hi Martina! I just wanted to let you know how much I admire and look up to you as a role model. I know this video must have been hard, but I feel like a lot of people can relate to your story. Personally, there was a time not too long ago where I had no motivation to do anything, I was stressed, I didn’t eat well, and I would cry myself to sleep every night. Your videos were part of the reason I picked myself back up. When you started to cry, I immediately broke down. I know so many of us hate to see you cry. Just know that you will always have our support and our love. <3

    2 months ago
  51. Depresion can be a real beeotch. I sometimes just have to allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling in that moment, to tell myself I am okay “right now.” I think you are marvelous, Martina. You are dealing with a disease that is super icky, but you have a great attitude. So, you have down moments, days, weeks. It’s okay. Know that you are loved, even by complete strangers who view you as a beloved niece in a faraway land!

    2 months ago
  52. Thank you so much for making and posting this video. I feel like depression is a topic that people still do not like to talk about, but from the comments here alone, clearly it is something a lot of people are experiencing. Pretending like it doesn’t exist only makes those experiencing the symptoms feel alienated and more depressed. So really, thank you.
    I find your positive attitude contagious and your videos always brighten my day. But sometimes when the dark thoughts, hopelessness, anxieties, and sadness begins to creep in, I start to feel like a failure as a person. And I get mad at myself for not being able to lift myself up and feel happy again. So knowing that someone else has those same bad days is comforting in a way. I wish people would be more open that bad days are inevitable, but as you said, they shouldn’t take away from the good days. Please keep being your awesome, amazing self! The world is a better place with Martina in it!!

    2 months ago
  53. I wanted to thank you so much. It’s hard to be open with. I’ve been… wanting to email to send something. But I can do it here. Warning TW
    Well here’s the short version. Grandather molested at 8, uncle at 10. Forced by father to become the maid: he’d not do anything as I had to cook clean and raise my little sister. Then he’d take the credit. Was also told to follow whatever a man said. at 13 was forced to give head to three boys dressed at clowns in the girls locker room. Soaked down, told to lie that I fell into a puddle. I got in trouble for it by father. Each boyfriend after molested me at some point (I dated men because I thought I had to: I knew I was gay since like 7). First suicide attempt was after the forced head. It failed, the rope broke. at 17 I met a guy who was nice the first few days. After a week I went over. was beaten and raped. Told not to say anything. So I didn’t. Over the course of three months: Dogs, 20 men over so, in one go for rounds. Forced heroin. Him knowing I wanted to have a baby so pregnancy tests till was. Beatings continued till he had to move and ‘grew tired of me’ cut a piece off of my inner labia, the pink folds, cut that piece and cut it in half. Then forced me to eat one half as he did the other. Then he put something in my system. I kept it secret, he told me to. I ended up having a miscarriage. A month later, was gonna kill myself. Deleting shit on internet. When got message from this little british girl. And it was better and better from there. She saved me. and we managed to fall in love
    my depression is still here. My BPD is strong. Which is going to be with me my entire life. And like… it’s hard to talk about. But I do need to talk about it more. As I wanted to deal with a…well knife before actually watching this.
    Thank you so much Martina

    2 months ago
  54. I cried whilst watching your video. Not because of sadness, although I felt that, and I couldn’t help but feel the hope in your voice as you describe how you cope from day to day.

    What sorrow I feel is a symptom of the parallels I draw between your story and my own. This post is taking me forever to write, even though I know it will be buried in the masses of other comments. Still each word is a struggle.

    I reached a precipice a long time ago and moved past it I have not yet moved beyond that shadow. I respect your bravery in moving forward and your stubborn endurance in the face of intense pain.

    Sometimes it is really hard to move beyond the fear, and sometimes it’s the most mundane things that inspire it (I’m looking at you stairs grrr)

    I won’t get into my story because it really doesn’t matter to anyone but me, however I wanted to say, I get it and sometimes the pain is worth it.

    I hope making this video has helped free you of some of those demons chasing you. There is a whole community here rooting for you.

    Thank you for pushing through. Thank you for not being silent.

    2 months ago
  55. Thank you for being so brave Martina, you are a huge inspiration and thank you so, so much for always pulling through! You are our positive fuel! Thank you for stepping out and sharing, I’m sure this will give many people strength, no matter how big or small. We could have never imagined that a happy bunny like you were going through so much inside. Thank you for having the courage to show us this side of you and I wish you all the best in whatever you do, and that you will succeed in squashing your low moments into a day or even a few hours the next time this happens. You must know you have given a lot of people hope and motivation, and you are a living proof that depression will not get you down. You go girl!

    2 months ago
  56. Thank you for this video!
    It immediately made me cry, because I feel with you, because I know exact what it feels like, because I need more rungs in my ladder and because I was so proud of you to share it.
    Depression is something that’s hard to explain if you haven’t experienced it and I am so glad that there are so many people here who are with you either way.
    Seeing your pink hair and the orange in the background, knowing there he your tiny garden as well and Simon near you, was one of the most positive things I have seen.
    You are so right, the memories will stay and I’m a little sad that i didn’t come to this conclusion when I was younger and trying to end it.
    But it’s never too late, right?
    On my way to great memories ❤️
    Love you guys
    #buildaladder

    2 months ago
  57. Thank you. Thank you for being yourselves. Thank you especially for this video. Your videos have lifted me up on many days when I needed it. I have been depressed for ever, and I very much understand the hole that you can get yourself into. I somehow climbed my way up, and I am glad you did too. I am just now trying to work on things for me, rather than letting my depression tell me that I can’t do it. I am going to my first concert alone in March, which is terrifying. I am also trying to get certified to teach abroad, which I’ve wanted to do for years. I admire your strength and really wish I could give you a hug through the internet. Never apologize for being yourself or crying. You are still the same awesome person you have always been. Thank you.

    2 months ago
  58. Thank you so much for making this video. I just wanted to let you and anyone else reading this who is feeling the same way know that you are not alone, while our conditions aren’t the same I too have to deal with chronic pain for what will likely be the rest of my life. Almost 13 years ago now the pain and depression became bad enough that I was suicidal. I had a plan, I had everything laid out but I never committed to trying. Once again thank you so much for making this video I hope that it helped you and please do more of them as I hope it will help anyone else out there who may be feeling the same way.

    2 months ago
  59. I had my period of emotional issues, sadness and despair. I was wondering why I came to this world, I didn’t want to be here… Then I tried different things: working with healers, spirituality, meditation, changing my lifestyle, working with Angels, changing my beliefs… And whatever would work, I kept doing it. I found that Angels do respond to me when I ask them for help. I am also working on changing my thoughts because I realized how they become my reality. What I think would manifest, so I’d better stick to the positive thoughts. Whenever I think about something negative, I would say “Cancel, clear, delete” to undo it. And now, I’m working on self-love and saying loving affirmations to myself daily while looking at the mirror.

    2 months ago
  60. Thank you do much for this video. You are my favorite Youtubers and seeing you cry made me cry sooo much. But it was really helpful for me.I want to be more like both of you. I see you as super energic and positive people and it is encouraging to see that you can be positive even in depression. That it does not define who we are. I’m seeing myself as a positive person but there is some depressive days where I think I might just not be, that i’m not a good person. This video helped me seeing how an amazing person can also deal with depression and it does not change how amazing they are. Thank you so much and i’m sending you lot of hugs <3

    2 months ago
  61. Thank you Martina and Simon, from the bottom of my heart. I know this video couldn’t have been easy for either of you, but obviously you’ve touched so many. I was diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension two years ago, and around that time I started watching your videos. PH is really just another disease on my list of autoimmune disorders list that I already have, but this one is fatal… without a cure. I’m 36, and though I thought I had my whole life ahead of me, it all came crashing down, and the struggle with my depression became real at that point. Martina, your insistence and perseverance at seeking adventure has inspired me. WHY should I give up now when there is so much adventure left to be had? WHY should I let naysayers tell me I “can’t” do this or that or the other thing?!? You have taught me that the only limitations are really the ones we allow in, and I’ll be damned if I let this thing take me down quietly! There’s too much left of this world to see, too much left to experience, and I am determined to experience it as much as I am able. Every time I feel doubt, or hesitate because so many people (not health care providers – but family and friends) say that I shouldn’t, or can’t, or some other negative thing… I remember that you DID, and you continue to DO… and that is what helps me keep putting my feet on my path to adventure. Here’s to building ladders, community, and finding adventure!

    2 months ago
  62. Hi Martina! I have been a fan of the both of you since EYK and have been silently following and watching your videos. I decided to register in this forum, after watching your current video, and be a silent follower no more. I just wanted to let you how much your bravery has pushed me to start to “build a ladder” and get out of my own dark hole. I will try my best to be as brave as you. I am not sure if you would be able to read this, but please know that in my heart I am really grateful that brave (and bright coloured ^_^) people like you exist. Your video has made a tremendous ripple effect in the world! I am glad that you have Simon (such a blessing to you) who loves you unconditionally. Thank you, Simon and Martina (and to Spudgy and Meemers too!). Sending you both the warmest hugs all the way from “Winterpeg”, MB <3 <3 <3

    2 months ago
  63. Martina!
    I really love your ladder metaphor. I’ve never officially been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, but I occasionally have some pretty dark days and I always beat myself up about them because I’m always telling myself, I have such a great life, there’s no reason for me to feel this way, and I just start to feel guilty for my feelings and it ends up making me more upset. I think in the future, I’ll think back to this video when I’m feeling shitty, and I’ll look at all the good things in my lofe and happy memories as rungs on my ladder, rather than reasons to feel guilty. I think that this mindset and the will to CREATE more rungs on the ladder when you feel at your worst, could help a lot of people. Thanks so much for making this; your honesty and bravery in posting it to YouTube and your desire to make sure it has a positive effect on the world is so admirable and amazing. You’re amazing. ❤️❤️❤️

    2 months ago
  64. Thank you for sharing this with us all Martina.
    There is so much you spoke about that I can relate too. It is not my style to discuss my own feelings, so really this comment is just a way to add my voice to the many who are reaffirming that you are not alone and that you are loved, even if we only know you through a screen.
    Honesty and vulnerability are traits that I value in people. You being honest and vulnerable makes me think very highly of you.
    Thanks again for taking the time to share your story.
    Much Love. <3

    2 months ago
  65. i cried with u martina its okay!!! lol. i recently started having body aches and pain, its only been about 2-3 months but it happened so suddenly that now its like, wait am I going to be like this forever?? I remember just when it was hard going up stairs years ago and then it suddenly start escalating everywhere. I still dont have a proper diagnosis either, going to be taking some more tests (tired of the doctors by now tbh and i hate needles but i need more bloodwork done this week i really dont wanna) which has been reallly weighing on my mentality, like there are times where I wonder if that pain I was having a few hours ago was all in my head. it also made me sad thinking about my friend, who has been going through some really hard times and attempted to end his life as well, all these things happening around the same time has just been weighing on me also with family problems, i just feel like a mess. but, i just wanna thank you for sharing your feelings with us, its so hard to talk about my problems with the people around me so i can just imagine how difficult it was for you to do so on such a large platform. i feel like your friend and i just wanna hug you and say everything is going to be alright!! i’ve been watching your videos for a very long time, even through all those ppl who didnt have nice things to say i always supported you guys, am very happy to be here at this point still watching your videos. you both are such an inspiration and here to the years to come, even if there comes to a point where you guys stop making videos i hope to be with you guys as a silent fan until then. thank you for everything, love you both <3

    2 months ago
  66. You have made me so happy so many times i just wanted to thank you, for being strong, and for being here, with us. I wish we could hug you and share strength because you deserve just the best. I wish we just could help you!
    P.D. You are beautiful no matter what you eat! don’t be sorry for that!!

    2 months ago
  67. I don´t really know what to write but i wanted to thank you because i think you helped me expand my mind a little bit and see things in a different color, i´m glad that you are learning how to deal with this feelings and that you have support from Simon, your family and i hope yu feel the internet love from us, we all have good days and bad days and i think we just need to try our best to be kind to one another and to do what makes us happy

    2 months ago
  68. Thank you for sharing Martina, and all the other amazing, couragous people in the comments!

    I’m in the middle of figuring out how much lower I can sink. I feel like I’m swimming/fighting to keep my head above the water while my brain is a 20kg piece of lead trying to drown me. I keep getting more moments where I can’t imagine this to get better, where I can’t tell myself to ignore the negativity in my mind. I don’t want to die, but in those moments I just can’t see how I am supposed to live like that either.
    It’s nice to know I’m not alone, so thank you all for that. It really is suprisingly hard to talk about it with people who I care about, like family or friends. I don’t want to hurt them by making them realise how much of a mental shithole I dug for myself.

    To all the people out there, thank you for making me feel less alone.

    2 months ago
  69. I don’t suffer from chronic physical pain, but I have Bipolar Disorder, so I know all about that black pit of despair. I think Martina made a lot of important points here. I love what she said about “building a ladder.” When I was younger, I had no ladders. I didn’t even think I could build a ladder. I was just stuck down there at the very bottom of the pit. But now that I’m a bit older (I’m around Martina’s age), I focus my life on building those ladders. I fell in love and married my soul mate. I got work-from-home jobs so I don’t have to miss work when I’m having a Bipolar episode. I rescued a puppy. I just got back from the trip of my dreams. Like Martina, I now have awesome memories that can get me through the bad months. I know I’ll be manic and depressed over and over again for the rest of my life, but every year I build more ladders so that I can get out of the pit a bit more easily. I wish I’d seen this video fifteen years ago. Maybe then I could have started building ladders in high school instead of being stuck at the very bottom of the pit for a decade. I hope we can all remember that while we might not be able to stay out of the pit forever, we never need to go back to the very bottom.

    2 months ago
  70. Thank you for this video Martina. I have a sister with an invisible disease (miastenia congenita, which means she was born with it) and sometimes it is hard for me to understand how she feels about it and te hard times she has because of it. Today she doesn’t have much truble with it but i know that she struggles with her desease, it limits her actions (she gets very tired if there is too hot, or too sunny) and it makes her feel frustration, that there are things she can’t do… So… thank you, thanks because maybe this video can help me and her to get over this predicaments.
    Lots of love, for both of you.
    PD: MVP Simon.

    2 months ago
  71. “Building a ladder” is really close to the phrasing that my therapist and I use to describe how I’m feeling lately, actually. I’ve been unemployed for a while and really scared and demoralized to re-enter the work force, mainly due to my total lack of self-confidence in my ability to work. I tried to convince myself that I was going to school and looking for jobs for my own happiness, when in reality it was to try to make other people, particularly my family, happy (happy for themselves that they could have something to brag about, not happiness for my well-being). I am sloooowly, slooooowly learning that I can live for myself, and not only to feel like I’m obligated to make decisions based on what others think I should be doing. I feel so much fear every day that the small steps feel like awesome accomplishments – little steps on the ladder leading out of the pit of depression and hopelessness. I have to admit, I still feel down a lot of the time, but since realizing how good building a ladder feels, it’s become so much easier, after some down time, to pick myself up and keep trying.

    I am going to keep trying, for you, for me, and for all of us here. The little steps are important. Let’s build ladders!

    2 months ago
  72. Thank you Martina for having the courage and strength to open up about such a difficult and personal topic. And thank you even more for managing to pull yourself out of your pit, finding meaning in life and experience and going on these adventures. I’m glad that you have managed to continue living such an interesting and magical life. For some of us who are unable to make certain things happen at the moment, we are living our hopes through you as well thanks to all of your videos on information and adventure. As difficult, frustrating and mentally exhausting as it can be, I hope that you will manage to keep on going and I’m really glad that you also have such an amazing support system from your friends, family and especially Simon. May you keep on smiling and collecting amazing stories to look back on. #virtualhug ❤️

    2 months ago
  73. Heyo, there, Martina. Thank you a lot for making this video.
    I’m finding to difficult to find my words, mostly because I never really want to admit to myself that I might have a problem. Which I realize is a not-so-great mindset, but it’s sort of how I power through. I’m not perfect on picking myself up from the sad states I can get in from chronic migraines and anxiety, but I do my best.
    Sometimes, it’s little things like watching a movie I love, gardening, treating myself to my favorite comfort foods (like froyo or pho), or watching videos like yours on Youtube. Other times I’ve got to work a little harder, and it’s not so cut-and-dry. With anxiety I can sometimes convince myself that the thoughts I’m having are illogical, and try to reason them out with things that make more sense. It doesn’t always 100% work, but it usually is enough to where I can function again.
    That said…thank you again for doing what you do. You both of you guys pick me up a lot, even when I don’t know I need it. I hope it isn’t weird to say that I really truly care about you guys, despite only knowing you through Youtube (and meeting soso briefly once).
    Last thing: you apologized for not making as many videos, and I just hope you don’t feel obligated for your viewer’s sakes to overdue it if causes you too much pain. I think it’s fairly safe to say that we all love you, and want you to do what’s best for you. So if it turns out there are less videos, that’s really okay. If you want to channel your creativity in other, less strenuous, outlets–that’s okay too! You do what you have to do. <3

    2 months ago
  74. Hey Martina! I’m really glad you did this video! I identify with you a lot, in a lot of ways, and it’s always sort of empowering to see that, no matter how bad it gets, you can always make the choice to take *some* control of your life, and that it makes all of the difference, no matter how small that control seems to someone outside (specially able bodied, neurotipycal individuals). And you really shouldn’t feel bad for crying and/or sadness – it just made me want to give you all of the hugs! So consider yourself – gently :) – glomped (do people still say that?)!
    Also what you talk about in the blog is really important – it’s really easy feeling guilty for a bad mental patch when everything in your life is good, but it’s a mattr of body chemistry that you can’t really control. Somebody that has, say, diabetes doesn’t feel guilty they have to control their sugar intake or that they eventually need medicine to regulate their body, and we really should internalize that, despite the stigma, mental health is exactly the same. You do what you gotta do, even if that is allowing yourself to check out and wallow every now and then. (Also, stop with the weight negativity, you’re gorgeous, in and out, and weight won’t change that! Denying yourself pleasure from eating for arnitrary societal standards is preposterous!)
    Anyway, I wish you lots of good days to outweight the bad, and strenght to get through when they don’t!

    2 months ago
  75. Girl, you have me on an amazing roller coaster of emotion right now. Tears are just rolling down my cheeks and they are there for a good reason. Thank you so much for opening up and expressing that side of you. I feel like I know you better and I feel like dyeing my hair and doing the stuff I want to do in life, so I can also look back and have amazing memories, because I have existential depression and you helped me look at life in a different way that I haven’t seen in that light before. So thank you. Also thank you for the virtual hug, if I ever meet you you’re getting a massage hug. (Massaging your back as we hug in a platonic kinda way. It’s gonna be great! I promise.) Well enough of my pity party, I’m gonna steal all of the blankets and pillows in the house and have a massive blanket pillow fort kinda day. hehe. Have a good one. <3 Snowy.

    2 months ago
  76. Thank you for sharing this video. I don’t watch much YouTube but I saw something share this and decided to watch and read what you said. I myself have been dealing with depression for years and it’s been getting worse. I thought it was getting better but as soon as I hit 20 years I was diagnosed with AML Leukemia. I’m currently 22 and still getting by. It’s hard to deal with chemotherapy and all the things I’ve been having to put up with. It’s gotten to the point where I asked for medical help because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I would cut myself and all I wanted was to die. I never attempted suicide because I worry too much about those around me tho. But thank you for sharing your story and I am so proud of you for opening up like you did. You have given so many people strength with this video. I know you’ve haven’t me strength. I can understand when you say your mood gets bad when you’re in pain. My chemotherapy gives me headaches and with all the medicines I take, I never know if I’ll be waking up in pain or not. That affects my mood a lot too. But I’m happy to see you doing your best with your conditions and I’m happy for you. You’re such a strong and beautiful person! Thank you once again for this video. It’s made my day.

    2 months ago
  77. Thank you for making this video. I love you guys even more now, which I didn’t think was possible. I watch you guys to laugh because it is always a guarantee but I will always come to any pity party you throw to cry and laugh with you. To every nasty out there who reads this just know I love you too and the community that we create is something that is very special to me!

    2 months ago
  78. Thank you Martina for inspiring us even when your down. We love you so much, we’ll always be by your side no matter what. Lots of kisses for you both. A special hug for Simon for being such a good husband we’ll be here watching you become a mountain #buildaladder

    2 months ago
  79. You are very, very, very brave, Martina. As a Psychiatry Student, I have unfortunately seen a good amount of cases of chronic depression related to chronic pain, and not less people who attempted suicide because of that. It is not easy to talk about it, it is not easy to ask for help and it is even more difficult to think as positive as you think. That takes a lot of time, and surely you know that too well. What you did today is something worth admiring.
    Having said that, I’d like to tell my own personal story, as I felt encouraged by yours. I don’t have any health issues, I didn’t suffer from bullying or any trauma as a child. But there was a time, maybe because of my personality and the changes that I was going throught, that I was suffering from several depressive episodes. I started to feel so empty I couldn’t even get out of bed in the mornings, I dropped most of my university lessons, and I lost most of my friends. I started having panic attacks, in which I self-injured myself just to feel my psychologic pain in a physical way and to calm down. I felt my life was worthless and it was because of no evident reason at all. It was when I ask for help and trully opened myself to others when I was able to go out of that situation. I forced myself to go out, talk to people and see the good things that surrounded me. I started to accept myself and others. And yeah, that’s something I learned from your videos. Not entirely, of course, because that’s something one person need to work in, but… day by day, I learned how to get the best out of life, no matter what happens. And Simon and you accompained me in that trip. For example, I can say that all the things that I know about healthy love, I got it from you two. Not lying at all. Five years have passed since then, and three since I don’t physically hurt myself anymore. And now I’m finishing my M.D. and I hope that one day I’ll be a good Psychiatrist. So, thank you, Martina. For being such a wonderfull human being, and making us all to see the colour of life and the flower that grows among the weeds. Much love from Spain, and a huuuuuuuuge virtual hug!!!
    – Elena.

    2 months ago
  80. I also deal with chronic depression and severe anxiety. Mostly because I went to college and have a ridiculous amount of student loan debt now rendering me completely unable to do anything. But hearing your story gives me hope that I can one day do awesome things even though it seems hopeless now. Thank you Martina! You rock! Also I was going to send you guys a box but then I looked up how much it would cost so nevermind ahah maybe one day!

    2 months ago
  81. Hi, Martina!~~~ Miss ya!~ I appreciate you having the courage to share something as personal as this. I went through something similar. I might still be going through it, lol. I thought that it was the fault of someone else, but instead it was my fault for feelings depressed due to misunderstanding(s). In high school years, I got to thinking how I can get myself out of it. I did a combo attack on the depression. The combo attack consisted of God and changing dark colors to bright colors. Later on, I added the skill to color. Unknowingly, it ended up being therapeutic, hahaha. It helped to have a close high school friend to point out what I had. She was someone that was looking outside the box. It was hard for me to admit or swallow, but I got through it because the major ammo for me was my relationship with God.
    I am so happy that there are many avenues to deleting/destroying/eradicate/wipe out such an issue that with some stops life to some degree or almost.
    It is cool once the individual begins the journey towards pulverizing negative thoughts/emotions. It is something, to me, to celebrate each time someone overcomes those difficulties in life and something so lovable to see that we are not alone in the battle. Thank you so very much for sharing with us all!~
    Keep up the good work!~
    Everything is going to be alright!~ (That’s my motto).

    2 months ago
  82. Thanks for sharing your journey Martina. You’ve certainly helped a lot of people (myself included). I’ve had a lot of darker days lately after the unexpected death of my father but I’m just remembering how hard I worked to get out of that dark pit, I never want to go back down there.

    It’s awful that you are going through this but I’m so glad you have Simon. I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for my partner helping me.

    I went to Japan because of you, through your videos you inspired me ❤️

    Thank you for sharing your life with us and for being you.

    2 months ago
  83. You are an amazing inspiration to me. Don’t be embarrassed! Everyone cries and needs a should every now and again. Seeing someone I admire experience real things just makes me realize that maybe I can make it too. Never give up! Never surrender!

    2 months ago
  84. Your admission of depression struck a chord that has been consitantly playing throughout my own life. After 25 years of rage and overcompensating aggression I finally arrived at a place where I came face to face with my own pervasive and utter despondency. The result was the beginning of a very long and honest conversation with myself about how I was living my life and why I had made and why I was currently making certain decisions. Certainly there were multiple medical issues and family problems that exaccerbated the pain I felt, but it was toxic beliefs about life that I harbored which were poisoning and hardening my soul. I realized that the black whirlpool of sorrow and anguish were largely of my own manufacture and at that point I decided to change my nature. Now for those who have really dedicated thier lives to changing thier own destructive natures to that of light know that this is not a pretty process to undergo. Change of this variety is ungainly, painful and ugly -both for those undergoing the process and for those who are watching. It is also courageous. A person who uses thier afflictions as motivation to overcome the baser parts of themselves is inspiring to say the least when most others would prefer to succumb to that which they refuse to accept.

    I am grateful for the fact that both Simon and Martina have chosen to share not only this video, but a slice of thier life in an effort to help all those who have fallen to stand again. It is my sincere hope that both of you know that you are not alone and that which you do matters and helps so many in ways that you cannot imagine. If it weren’t for your channel I would not be currently learning Japanese and would not have planned a trip to Japan to celebrate my next birthday in November!

    Take Heart,
    Wayward Smile.

    2 months ago
  85. Hey Sweet Beautiful Martina, keep climbing, keep adventuring, keep your chin up – I’ll be right over here in Chicagoland supporting you all the way! Remember how fat I was at the EYK meet up in Chicago? Well, I’m skinnier now (40 pounds lighter) and I’m still supporting my crazy daughter Emily – she’s into anime now, and won’t watch K-Drama with me but I still love her – and I still love you and Simon! Big internet hugs to both of you, from Leann (the slightly less big but none the less still supportive Nasty volunteer)

    2 months ago
  86. Holy [baa], Martina. I don’t even know what to say. Thank you for making this video, even though it was hard to do. We Nasties love you, both of you (all of you? including Spudge and Meems). I suffer from chronic depression and an eating disorder. I know I personally have spent a lot of my down days bingeing your videos when it was just too hard to do anything else. My family and I are going through a hard time right now and this message means so much to me. I’ve seen a lot of YouTubers talk about their depression, but none of those videos ever made me cry like this one did. I’m going to try my hardest to take a page from your book (a rung from your ladder?) and try as hard as I can to make my life a little better every day, instead of waiting for something to magically change on its own. #buildaladder

    2 months ago
  87. ✦tl;dr✦
    Hi Martina! YOU ARE AN AMAZING, STRONG, CARING, OPEN-MINDED, LOVELY HUMAN BEING. I’ve looked up to you from when I first started watching, and the admiration only grew from there. I’m not very good at conveying all the feels I have for you, but I just wanted to send all the good vibes and love to you, Simon, friends, and family.

    ✦✦✦✦✦✦

    Even before your tl;dr/informational videos about EDS and depression, I was still SO AMAZED by the way you live your life. Yes, social media is mainly a highlight reel; but you and Simon & co. planned SO MANY AMAZING fun things and events, and that in itself is a great feat.

    Your viewpoints on how you carry yourselves really helped shape my coming-of-age experiences and way of thinking. They always tell you to “be yourself!” in school, but it really does take a great role model for people to truly internalize that saying. Your explanation and thought process on liking “age-inappropriate” interests not only helped curb my negative judgement of others but also instilled in me confidence in expressing interests that may be a surprise to others (afterall, real adults have the confidence to like “childish” things).

    Martina, I’m so thankful to have watched you and everyone on this channel and its growth for the past 7 years. I honestly feel that this channel makes the world a better place (if it was able to make a jackass like me a nicer person, think about all the other people you all positively touched!). Like your other similar videos, I felt that you succeeded in making this video focus on how you overcome some of the obstacles EDS/depression or your strategies, and not the condition or sadness.

    To Simon, thank you for all your hard work on this channel and being part of the dynamic duo that is you and Martina! Keep on bulking up. I admire you as equally as I do Martina, but this message focused on her, sozzzz.
    To Martina’s extended friends, family, co-workers, thank you all for adding to the enriching experiences that Martina & co. set out to do.

    Best wishes,
    Alison

    2 months ago
  88. I have never been depressed but so different and sometimes little things can throw us off our ladder… Without first realizing it, I was in a pretty bad place when I still studied engineering (2 years ago). Normally I’m quite a happy and composed person and my life has always been.. well, comfortable/stable. I noticed something had to change when one day I was just cooking, saw some undone dishes, felt little bit uneasy and the next thing I know was me sitting on the kitchen floor crying my eyes out.
    My boyfriend always sees right through me so when he came home he made me talk my heart out (as always), even though I tried to pretend that everything was fine (with my red eyes and running nose…). And that wasn’t one time only! I was so unhappy with what I studied atm and because of trying to change that, more stressors came into my life. Well, all worked out in the end and I accidentally found my dream job which I’m studying right now.

    BUT here’s my current stressing situation:
    For the past 6 years I have wanted to carry out some of my studies in Korea (as an exchange student). First I needed to find better field of study. Done. Found out my new field of study didn’t have an exchange programs with Korea, so I had to find an alternative way. Done. Then I find out that my destination school had cut out all the English courses I was going to take, just for the upcoming semester. No Korea. My only option for exchange is to find another place to go, even though every other place feels irrelevant. But I though “hey, Simon and Martina say it’s all about attitude and they would have had many miserable experiences, but only if they chose to see them that way”. (You have no idea how often I tell myself this)
    So now I’m choosing to go somewhere else (maybe Austria), have a blast, make lots of memories and go visit Korea later with my boyfriend (btw he did his exchange period in Korea and we met in a student exchange info, DESTINY!) I’m already starting to get really excited about this!

    Wow this came out super long..
    Anyway, you have helped me to deal with bad days by enjoying little thing and encouraged to live in a moment. You are both amazing persons and I only hope I can experience as many adventures with my ducky as you two have together! ♥

    2 months ago
  89. I know that this comment might just get lost among all the other comments and you may never see/read this but I just want to say this: Martina, thank you!
    Thank you for sharing, for opening up to us. You said that this is yet another pity party that you’re throwing for yourself but to me, it doesn’t look like that. It’s a party that shows how strong you are. You overcame those negative thoughts and you pulled yourself up from that pit. You felt strong enough to share your story. And it’s ok that you cried on camera, don’t apologise for it. It just shows that you have been strong for a long time, not that you are weak. And if you throw another “pity party”, I will gladly sit down in front of my computer and be there for you.
    Martina, you have inspired me so much. A few years ago, I wouldn’t even consider dying my hair a crazy colour. But now I want to go ahead and dye my hair pink/purple/pastel. And when people tell me that I shouldn’t, I always think “But Martina has pink hair and she looks good”. Or when I’m hesitant about buying something cute, thinking that people will stare, I think “Martina buys cute things all the time and she doesn’t give a damn about what others think” and then I go ahead and buy that.
    I guess what I’m trying to say is that you, Simon and Martina, have showed me that it is ok to like something or do something that makes you happy. Thank you for your hard work!

    2 months ago
  90. I suffer from catatonic depression, almost every type of anxiety, ptsd, ocd, suicidal tendencies and a possible bipolar disorder for several years now.
    My shitty worsening physical health constantly affects my mental issues as well, when i’m in so much pain I don’t even bother getting out of bed at all for the entire day to eat or drink.
    When I was in highschool, my favorite teacher who knew about my condition told me to basically do what you were doing, she told me to write down small goals for myself, even the tiniest thing that seems insignificant, like getting another ear piercing, all of it.
    Eventually I listened to her, and I started writing things down, and I got more ear piercings, i’m sketching tattoos that I want to get, I started learning Japanese because I really want to live in Japan someday I planned that for years.
    I try my best, it’s true that we all have our downs, this morning I was actually weeping and screaming in my sister’s arms and wishing I was dead. But i’ve pulled through the day, I made an appointment to see my therapist tomorrow and then my friend came over and we listened to music together and made sushi and pizza and watched silly videos on youtube and laughed our lungs off.
    I couldn’t have had fun if I just gave up and went to bed for the whole day and kept feeling sorry for myself.
    I try to live out of spite, out of spite to my fears and my depression, I want to try and be happy and achieve my goals.
    I’m really sorry you’ve been so down that you’ve tried to take your life, i’m really glad you survived and i’m so happy you have your loving husband who understands and supports you, and don’t forget we nasties are here for you as well, don’t force yourself to make a video if you’re in too much pain, we understand and we can wait, your health comes first ♥

    2 months ago
  91. Thank you. That took a LOT of courage and I thank you for doing it. I hadn’t realized when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis at the age of 29 that depression was something at nearly always goes hand in hand with chonic pain. Small Pity parties are okay now and again…it is the pity orgies you have to watch out for! Those…wowser, those can get outta control! Again thank you for showing us your whole person, not just the sanitized, rated happy-go-lucky side! And Simon, you are a GOOD man, who I consider a role model for boys/young men. THank you both.

    #buildaladder Hell yeah.

    2 months ago
  92. You are amazing for sharing such a personal story.Thank You.

    2 months ago
  93. I feel you pain, Martina, and admire your strength.

    2 months ago
  94. Thank you for uploading this video and talking about it to us. I am here in India staying up late as usual contemplating every little thing in my life. I cry myself to sleep every night hoping that I will wake up happy and not cry anymore but that’s never helped. I feel like I have let my parents down and I don’t know if I have real friends.. I meet this bunch every Saturday but all we do is drink and talk about stuff don’t matter. Nobody knows about what’s going on and it scares me cause I talk to myself every time I wanna cheer myself up. I need to go out there and get some help, dont know if the help will understand but I will try. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone. You are absolutely lovely for doing this.

    2 months ago
    • You are not alone :) I’m also fighting for my mental health on my own. I know how hard it is to talk about it with people you care for. I try to make myself remember that they love me and they will help if I am ready to tell them. Stay strong you can do it!

      2 months ago
  95. Thank you for making this video and sharing what struggles you have. Last year, I had episodes of complete anxiety and depression. Normally, they last a day. However, recent episodes are lasting longer. Lately, I’ve been quite depressed from searching for work. I know it sounds something minor, but the last 3 months of being unemployed have gotten to me, especially last month. When people keep telling me that “I’ll find work soon enough”, part of me just wants to scream in anger and sadness. I was angry and sad that I still can’t find work and have beaten my confidence down. Fresh out of school, and considered “inexperienced” to work in any company. It has not helped that I live with my parents and they continue to pressure me to work for government or that “your resume isn’t good enough”. Honestly, there are days where I just want to self harm myself. Lately I try to go out to the gym or out with my bf. I’m trying to avoid the desire to lock myself in my room as it would drag me down even darker.

    Now, I feel that I should be making ladder rungs. I am hoping that whenever I have these episodes, I’ll know that everything is ok, and that I should try to remember to remain positive and hopeful. Thank you for making this video. <3

    2 months ago
  96. I have had pretty bad depression for a long time and tried to end it all when I was 13. I also suffer from an anxiety disorder and have an emotional support animal who helps me tremendously during my panic attacks and waves of overwhelming depression. Watching your videos really help me by inspiring me to do more.

    2 months ago
  97. I cried a lot watching this video. Thank you so much for making this open letter.

    2 months ago
  98. I could write a novel but I’ll keep it short ’cause I’m having a bad pain week myself.
    Martina, you’re an amazing, beautiful person, and I want to send lots of love an encouragement as someone who’s been dealing with phobias for over 15 years and has just been diagnosed with physical stress and trauma (not sure about the actual clinic names *shrugs*)
    Big but soft virtual hugs to you and everyone else reading this message <3

    2 months ago
  99. I just wanted to say something to Simon. It must be so hard to know what is going on in Martina’s life and to know at the same time that sometimes there is just nothing that you can do and you just have to watch it happen. I’ve got so much respect for you, and I admire you being able to stay positive and supportive. I haven’t ever been depressed, so that’s hard for me to relate to, but a lot of people close to me have been suffering from depression and sometimes I found it really difficult to deal with the situation. Having to accept that you can’t help someone is a very difficult thing. So is watching them suffer. There have been times where I was so frustrated I really wanted to throw my own pity party, but felt too guilty to do so as I thought my difficulties didn’t really compare to theirs. So just wanted to let you know you’re amazing too!

    I really hope that you two have many amazing adventures to look forward to, and lots of love <3

    2 months ago
  100. Hey Martina (and Simon). I think it was amazing and brave of you to record this video. I’m lucky enough not to have chronic pain or depression, though I do have some anxiety issues that bother me. I am seeing a therapist every other week to work on that. This video really touched me, it was so personal and open and raw. I think the nasty community already had a pretty okay glimpse into your guys’ life, and now we know so much more. Kudos to Simon for working out hard so he can carry you around. Hope it’s not weird to say- but I love you both. Keep up the hard work.

    2 months ago
  101. Hi Martina and Simon, I want you to know that I think you guys are awesome! I’ve been watching your videos for years now and I have always been so impressed by your commitment to each other and to living lives that are filled with adventure and joy. I am 61 years old this April and I have my own limiting health issues. It has been a struggle for me for the last 25 years and there have been times when I have fantasied about ending it. I’ve heard those voices of derision and self loathing that tear down my inner me, and I’ve had to override and reject them for the sake of my family. I can only say that, knowing what I know about illness and the accompanying depression, that I couldn’t agree with your methods of dealing with them more. Squeeze as much delicious juice out of this life as you can! Make it a beautiful and glorious trip! You only have this moment and you can be gone the next. You just don’t know what life will hold for you, or how long it will be, so you have to grab it and run with it! Why walk in a pool, when you can surf in Hawaii? Love your life, love your husband, and make each day as beautiful as all of us see you. You are an inspiration and we love you! Be well, but beyond that, be happy! You deserve it! <3

    2 months ago
  102. Best. Video. Yet. Thank you so much Martina & Simon. As a fellow sufferer of an invisible disease with no cure, and depression and anxiety, I can’t express how much this means to me.

    For all of us Martinas who suffer and have planned our exits from this world, written letters to our families, and then climbed back out of that hell…never give up <3

    For all those Simons that care for us and love us unconditionally and tirelessly and always stay beside us..thank you always <3

    2 months ago
  103. Hi! I have been following you guys very shortly, but your video broke my heart a little and I simply had to leave a note..Some time ago I found out that my DNA is all messed up and that I have cancer and will keep having cancer. I was told to remove surgicaly everything that makes me a woman, never again in my life go on sun and live in fear of scan results every three months for the restof my life. From there it wasa slippery slope into misery. One day I was having a particularly amazing pity party for myself. And while lying in bed browsing YouTube I came across your video for Sushi Saito…what followed was an epic binge marathon and in rhe past month I watched anything and everything I could because your videos were making me incredibly happy. And the I learned about your EDS and suddenly I felt so stupid…giving up on friends because I was sad, living in fear and miserable, trying to change everything in my life because of my illness. What I want to say with this rambling is that sharing your adventures gave me happiness and after learning about your illness I relized that life does not end, that I will cope and do all the things I want to do. I wish I could send you all the positivity and strenght that I gained from you two back to support you! You are two of the most wonderful people and deserve all the happinessin life! Simona

    2 months ago
  104. Cis

    I already commented on the youtube video, but I wanted to come here and thank you again for sharing your story. Martina, you and Simon always make my day a little better, even if it’s a perfect day already. Like you, I also suffer from a chronic disease and periods of extreme sadness (my therapist actually withdrew the depression diagnosis, because my feelings were related to external stuff rather than internal stuff, so it does not feel fair to people with depression to call it this. My chronic illness is also really really manageable and nowhere near what you or some other are going through, so I feel blessed).
    What you told us about doing the things you want to do, it felt very comforting and stress relieving. It makes me take everything a little less serious and makes me a little less anxious about the small unimportant things and I remember that throughout your and Simon’s video’s, you both have always had that effect on me. Thank you so much for that.
    About staying at home/staying healthy at any cost: I too have found out that being happy is way more important for me than feeling as healthy and painless as possible all the time. You probably don’t have to hear from someone else what’s the best for you in this aspect, but as a student in the medical field, I feel like I should emphasize this. Depression is also a very disabling disease that needs treatment and I feel like all the highlights in your life are little treatments that make it a little better. But you know this already :)
    About pity parties: if you ever want to have one again, please invite the nasties. I’m sure all of us would be happy to be with you (and we all want to hug you <3). We can bring the music, pie and tissues ;)
    Don't worry about the amount of video's you put out. I'll be happy with any :) Please take care of yourself first when you need to.
    Martina and Simon, thank you for being an inspiration and making so much video's for us!

    2 months ago
  105. Martina,
    Yours and Simon’s honest and sincerity is something that has put a smile on my face so many times. I stumbled on your YouTube videos four years ago when I was struggling through a very dark time in my life. They made me laugh for the first time in a while, and I’ve kept watching because of just how special your relationship is and how much you remind me of the happy times in my life.

    I love that you call Simon Ducky, as that’s what my husband calls me (I call him Bunny), and your food adventures and midnight cooking has kept me company through many nights of frustrating insomnia and depression. I fought through a dark pit like you, and am very grateful for the support and love of people that helped me stay alive—even if at the time I was resentful of intervention.

    I had been meaning to write you the ol’ fashioned snail mail way and go see you on your last Nasty Tour in California, but life intervened and I gots two babies now that make traveling a bit difficult (although, they love your videos too, especially seeing Spudgey — “Boo Puppy” as they say).
    Thank you for being such genuinely good people. I’m sending you all my love and so much gratitude for your joy in life even through the darkness.

    Apologies for the sap :)

    2 months ago
  106. Dearest, dearest Martina. I am in awe of your strength and your emotional honesty. I am so glad that, although you still have struggles and bad days, you have found your “ladder” to keep you out of the pit. You and Simon make my life brighter every time you post a video, and I feel incredibly grateful for y’all everyday. May you continue to draw strength from your experiences and the love you share, and thanks for taking us along for the ride.

    2 months ago
  107. Thank you so much for opening up about this kind of stuff. It can be suuuper difficult to talk about mental health issues, especially when people don’t think you have them or think that your life is too perfect to ever struggle with mental illness. It’s an uphill battle, but it’s one worth fighting. As someone who lives with a personality disorder, I understand how frustrating having a chronic condition can be – realizing that it’ll never go away, no matter how much you want it to because recovery isn’t really an option is tough. I’ve been in that pit quite a few times since my diagnosis a few years ago and while I know a chronic mental condition is waaaay different from a physical one, I understand that pain. But thank you for sharing this – it’s made my day a little bit brighter knowing someone else who’s gone through things like I have has still found a happy life gives me a little more hope for the future! <3

    2 months ago
  108. Martina,
    Thank you so much for sharing this video. It sounds silly but I really look up to you. I admire that you had the courage to move away to Korea and now Japan. You started a career in teaching English and opened a coffee shop and now a successful Youtuber. You do so many crazy wonderful things, you wear the cutest things and do the cutest things with your hair. You’re so talented, and pretty, and bold, and funny.
    Sometimes I can get wrapped up in watching other people’s lives and getting sad for myself that I can’t do this or that, but I really tend to just watch people and forget that those I’m watching are real people who deal with real problems just like me. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, your video reminded me that everyone deals with unseen problems. But I also feel like I’m learning to deal with my depression and to hear the struggle you’ve gone through and how you’re combating it, it gives me hope that I’ll get there too. I’m so grateful that you shared this video. Thank you for showing that there is hope, thank you for being real, thank you for sharing your mindset, thank you for sharing your techniques, and thank you for still being here. And a shout-out to Simon: Thank you for being such a wonderful person and taking care of Martina. It makes me happy that she has someone with her that cares so deeply for her. You two are just wonderful and make me so happy. Once more, thank you so much for sharing <3 I hope your day is wonderful

    2 months ago
  109. Hello Martina!

    I’m so thankful and honored you made this video. I also live with chronic depression and it makes life so terribly hard sometimes. I sent you guys a letter last month detailing more of some of the why but most of it is a genetic chemical imbalance. Even just this week I had thoughts of suicide and not wanting to be here anymore but thought of all the things I want to do still. I want to travel the world and try new things. I really liked your ladder analogy. It is so true. You can only move one rung at a time but each rung you add is vitally important and helps you just hold on a little longer during the bad days. It’s okay to cry and take days or weeks away from working to have give yourself some self care. I’m sorry you will always be in pain. I’m sorry that I will always have depression as part of my life. I’m sorry people seldom truly understand what you need or what your life is like. Sending lots of love and animal snuggles your way ♥♥

    2 months ago
  110. thank you <3

    2 months ago
  111. Thank you for your different view on life and depression. I’ve had depression for years and I’ve had suicidal thoughts but I was lucky to have gotten help before it got to attempts. But I started collecting reasons and outlooks on life to help me during my hard times and I’ve never really thought about it this way before so thank you for your insights, I’m sure you’ve just helped every single person who watched your video.

    2 months ago
  112. Thank you for your honesty. I hope that sharing your life with all of us truly does help. It helps me.

    I could address depression, but I know others here can and have done it better, so I’ll just say this, we are all here to help, however we can.

    Last week, I commented on another video that I would like to see more of the in-studio EatYourSushi vids, in addition to the really wonderful cinematic adventure videos. Let me explain why.

    I’m an old guy, older than both of you, and found your videos just after you moved to Japan, so that while I’m working, I can listen to something interesting, hear different insights, etc., about a place I enjoyed visiting. But in those first several weeks, I realized that this channel is more than just information about a place, that you have created a community, and that your attitude and interactions are full of joy. You made a video once about how you find these moments of joy, and it was a model, for all of us, I think. I know that I have worked to see more of the everyday joy in the world, to explore, to take some chances, to be more positive, to open my eyes. I commented to my wife the other day that we have found all sorts of things that surprised and delighted us, sometimes in our own backyard, sometimes across the world, and that your videos helped me see things with a different outlook. Things go bad on a road trip? How can we turn it into something great and find something that we never expected? Even if it doesn’t go according to plan, it’s an experience, and an adventure. And I feel that you and Simon have reminded me to do so.

    I have missed those videos also because you two have such a connection, obviously to each other, but to the countless people who watch. That’s a big reason why I keep coming back, too, and makes us all feel like friends.

    And I am serious – I’m writing a book and have written you and Simon in as characters (other than yourselves) and last night even included Spudgy and Meemers, it just fit really well with two characters (who don’t actually interact, sorry) who were previously kind of generic in my mind, but I totally see them now. I hope that’s okay. If not, I’ll change names and/or descriptions.

    You are a pillar of strength, and even in your weakness, you are very strong, and help all of us be strong. Thank you for that, and everything else.

    2 months ago
  113. Martina, I greatly admire you for sticking to your goals and dreams and working hard to get through every day, no matter what. It’s great that you can also be an inspiration to yourself to keep going, you have a very beautiful attitude. I know that some days can, and will be hard, and being strong in the face of adversity is oh-so hard, but please know, that wherever you are, there is always someone (not just Simon, or your family, or Nasties, or me) wanting to give you a hug to help you keep going. Your sense of harmony and beautiful dreams are contagious, no matter your mood, bad day, big pain, or complete exhaustion. Take comfort in that just by being, you are an inspiration to everyone. Take care that you care for yourself too, I know that it’s hard to believe that people truely care for you, even if they don’t know you well, but whatever I don’t know about you, I’ve seen enough that I’m willing to take on faith that it’s great, bad days and all. Simon, I also admire you for being able to bask in Martina’s glory every day and still stay so awesome yourself ^_^v

    2 months ago
  114. I cried so much and I’m still crying right now. I’m not sure exactly where this video touched me.

    Maybe it’s because it made me think of my family’s friend who killed himslef this year in november. He also suffered from chronic depression, but he decided to go into the forest when no one where at home and left a note to his wife. And even thouht I haven’t seen him in the past years, it felt so strange. I prevented myself from crying the best I could, never liked crying in front of others… so maybe that’s what’s comming out right now, I can’t tell…

    Or maybe it’ because I relate a little since I suffered from depression after High school. Hell i’m not even sure I’m out of it now, but at the time, I remember I could relate to those thinking abouth suicide, I remember I could understand the line of thought leading to that conclusion and how it seemed like a solution sometimes. I had such a hard time adjusting to Cegep at the time (that weird step we have before university in Quebec), that I got expulsed for bad grades multiple time. Took me 5 years instead of 2. And now that I am in university, where I also had trouble adjusting and developed anxiety, I found out after starting my third year that I have an Attention Disorder, wich is probably why I had so much trouble.
    Maybe it’s also the way you talked abouth having little goals, taking oportunities instead of staying home. I did this for a year after Cegep. I became Yes Girl (Jim Carrey reference here). I had the opportunity to go work in Paris for two months, plane and appartment for free. I lost weight, felt beautifull and so good in my body, one of the first time in my life. I felt like Life was full of opportunities, I had goals, inspiration, felt like I knew where I was going and that I had potential and talent. I was thinking abouth getting my diploma and then traveling by doing Art residencies. I was confident. And now that i’m writhing that, I realise that I miss that feeling so much. How did I lost that?

    I think it’s probably a mixt of all this. This post is one of the best you ever made. It touched me and touched many others as I can see in the comments section. And you made me realise that maybe I should start making my ladder again to.

    2 months ago
  115. You are so beautiful in and out, Martina. Stay strong and keep inspiring us to live to the fullest.

    2 months ago
  116. Martina, thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share this with us. I know that it’s not easy to talk about mental illness and depression especially given our society and your position as a public figure, but it’s really important to talk about these things and remove the stigma. It’s brave of you to share your journey and lots of people will be able to relate to you (myself included). Keep this sort of discussion going, because it could save someone’s life.
    We love you and support you, and we are all here together as a big NASTY family!

    2 months ago
  117. Hi Martina, THANK YOU for this video. For your honesty and for allowing yourself to be vulnerable to help others. That takes a whole special lot of brave, especially when you are so well known for staying on the positive side of things.

    For a long time, I’ve wanted to write to you because you and Simon had helped me out a great deal with my own marriage. My husband Joey had suffered from chronic pain due to several botched up GI surgeries, cancer, replaced hip, tons of hospitalizations, just a lot of stuff. Our lives were in turmoil, just as one thing got better another health issue would crop up. He said the pain would be so bad on some days that he’d commit suicide if it weren’t for his religious beliefs and me. Just hearing that froze me in my tracks. I couldn’t always see how bad things were, he hid them from me, well.

    The last 10 years had been really challenging and when we needed a pick-me-up, we’d watch your videos! It was especially important to us because with everything going on, we’d sometimes forget that we were a team. Seeing you both, even in edited form, reminded us that no matter what, we had to be there for each other, even when his body was giving out on him. You guys are just so damn sweet together. We knew marriages aren’t always that perfect but it was always nice to see two people in love, showing us the happier side of things – Thank you, again.

    Unfortunately, he passed away four weeks ago. He developed something called ITP out of nowhere. Within a week of going into the hospital, he was gone – The whole taking him off of life support and everything nightmare. I was in total shock in the first couple of weeks. But as I “woke” up out of the shock, the crushing feeling of him being gone can be too much for me to handle. However, I’m doing everything I can to stay positive. I let myself cry when I need to, I don’t try to stop it, anymore. Grief happens. But I refuse to wallow in this. I want to be happy because he’d never want me to be sad over him, for any reason. The one thing about having a spouse with a serious medical condition(s) is that we have no choice as the supporting spouse to become stronger – mentally and physically. The only other option is to break and what good is that to anyone? Joey taught me inadvertently to be stronger, to focus more on important matters and that life is fragile, enjoy as much of it, as quickly as you can.

    Today (While *ahem* working), I thought, hey I’m feeling kinda low, let’s see what Simon and Martina are up to! And I saw this video. And no, it didn’t depress me. You once again helped! It’s good to see and know how someone else gets thru the day when things aren’t always bright and sunny. I don’t think there is anything wrong whatsoever in knowing someone’s full gamut of emotions. It’s normal and what makes us human. Even tho’ it’s highly personal and we don’t always want everyone to know the darker side, yet completely hiding it isn’t always a positive.

    I’m still not able to look too far into the future because my Joey won’t be there with me, it stings a bit. I have made plans with friends within the next few months – Something I wasn’t able to do as his caregiver. I have a new chapter to start writing in my book. I can still look back and see the life I had with Joey, the ups, the downs, the fantasically silly times we shared. It’s all there, still. And I hope that the chapters you continue to write in your book will always be exciting and fun and that in the moment you can enjoy them as best as you can and someday look back at everything fondly.

    Many, many, many gentle hugs to you and Simon. Thank you for being so inspiring and just so kick ass. :)

    2 months ago
  118. Thank you for giving an excellent voice to what life is like with EDS. Never stop doing all the things and going on all the adventure. As someone who has EDS/Stickler Syndrome and Factor 2 listening to everyone tell me what not to do didn’t leave me with many options so I decided to listen to my own body. I went on a 3 month road trip while I still could and continue to try and do all the things and like you accept that it’s going to hurt like hell the next day.
    No, it doesn’t get better (I am 42) but you can get every good moment out of it if you try. The moments only get sweeter. Keep buying the ticket and taking the ride!

    2 months ago
  119. Martina, it breaks my heart to know you’re in pain. Have you considered trying stem cell therapy? I know it can be expensive, but if you made a GoFundMe I know SO MANY people would donate, myself included.

    2 months ago
  120. Martina you are awesome awesome!!! God I m crying right now… I watch you guys for few years now and you always make me laugh… I was depressed for a while and crying is nothing to be ashemed about. Plus you and Simon are couple goals. Every girl in the world would love to have relationship such as yours.You guys are superheroes. Plus you inspired me to teach English…and now I m a teacher and I didn’t even know I wanted to be one and that I would be so good at it. I know it is hard for you , but the things you did with Simon most people can only dream of… Even with pain you manage to live life to the fullest, girl you rock! Be proud of yourself! I m proud of you and I don’t even know you… and btw I m from Serbia. You have fans all over the globe. Thats something

    2 months ago
  121. I wanted to thank you for making this video. I love you guys, there have been many days where you picked me up, even though I was stuck in my room maybe weeks or even months at a time. I have a diagnosis now, but I’m 20, it took this long to officially be recognizes as someone suffering from Asbergers and chronic headaches and migraine. I write this because there was a long time where I had no friends and all the time people would get irritated because I wouldn’t participate in school like every one else. For a long time I felt useless, what was I doing wrong? Am I wrong. I had always used art to cope with these feelings. Creating a book of characters that became my life. That slowly I started to make Cosplay, I wasn’t a bog fan of conventions, since I didn’t have any frinds, but I liked making the costumes. My life isn’t easy, even now after having a few actual friends, I had to stop studying at university because I got so heavily depressed that I was wondering what point I was trying to achieve. I couldn’t watch you when I was at my worst, but I did have youtube. Now when I decided to stop the course I was taking I had you guys to watch. I know you can’t put out as much content as you did once, but I get really excited when you upload a video and this one made me happy. Not sad or feeling pity. I was relieved, when Martina started crying so did I because I understood what she meant. I wanted to thank you guys for putting this video together, I’m often to shy to comment, but I really enjoy your videos and I’m really happy that because of youtube Martina gets to have one more stage to her ladder. I for one am not one for hiking, I do sometimes Norway is perfect for nature-gazing after all. But I just randomly started making a little clay doll, that I want to make into a small Zelda. I occasionally make youtube videos of my paintings because it makes me feel good. Thank you, I really appreciate you making this video <3

    2 months ago
  122. My mom was recently diagnosed with cancer and had to go through chemo and radiation which put her in alot of pain almost everday. She often tells me “The most important thing in life isn’t fame or riches, it’s your health take care of it!” I don’t know if she’ll ever fully recover back to her normal enthusiastic personality, but I do know that I’ll be there to help her until the end. This video made me think of her and I just want to say that you’re so strong Martina! Keep pressing forward!

    2 months ago
  123. Thank you so much for sharing your Story and your struggles with us Martina <3 For me that was the point to well look at my life and my story. Writing it down in at least a short version and well I have done that now and thought I might as well share it here~

    For me my Depression came from my ADHD and pretty bad bullying in Elementary School. The first signs showed up at the age of 13/14 when I hit a first low and got worse when my first relationship ended, well it was more a case of her having a Boyfriend simultanously and one day simply breaking off all contact with me. But somehow I came back out of that pit, or rather I told that myself because I did not want to have another mental illness that would just add to my status as an outcast that my ADHD and later my love for Visual Kei and Japan in general had already brought to me. Took me a few years with pretty deep lows, which I tried to cope with by building my own alternative reality (not a good Idea btw… cost me quite a few "friendships"), until I opened up to my psychology teacher in School after we had talked about Depression in class. At that time I had less than two years to my A Levels. Luckily I was already in therapy for my ADHD so I did not have to wait for weeks to get an appointment. My Therapist put me on a light natural treatment (sorry I don't remember the name of the plant in englisch… In German it's Johanniskraut) which did help and actually got me through my A Levels with pretty good grades except for math. But after that my old Psychiatrist took me off all my medication as a trial and until today I hadn't had my ADHD medication because she saw no indication for me needing it anymore. That made my depression only get worse, I dropped out of Uni because of it and for about two years hardly left the house except for Cons and Concerts which where basically what kept me sane. At times I was suicidal, at least in my head I never had the courage to actually try to commit suicide something which I'm happy about now. In that time I was then put on one of the most common antidepressants and later my new psychiatrist changed that one for another one. But at that time the fact I needed medication again made me feel like a failure, by now I have accepted the fact and even told my doctor if I felt the need to adjust something or like now to get back on ADHD meds. Two Years ago in february 2015 I went to a clinic for analytic psychotherapy for a full three months. That was the braking point that started my Road to Recovery or rather to being relatively stable. I got into a program that was aimed at getting young people with mental ilnesses ready for apprentenceships in which I learned a lot but also had some pretty deep pits as one of our friends in the group took his own life at just 17 Years old and another Relationship failed, well I got dumped by the same person twice I really shouldn't give everyone a second chance. But at the same time I moved out from home into shared therapeutic Appartment with 3 other Girls and started to set goals for myself again. Starting from just getting up everyday to cooking for myself and now up to finally getting my drivers license and saving up for my first BJD and maybe even a vacation in Japan in 2019 or so. But right now my longterm Goal is being stable enough to get into an apprentenceship and then getting a Job to sustain myself. Actually it's the first time I put all of it in writing and seeing my story like that oh well I guess I never took the easy route in life. A lot of the coping mechanisms you talked about are things I do for myself. Going out to cons, concerts and even just for lunch with my friends, I might need a few days away from people to recover but I feel awesome while being out and about; getting my first Tattoo at 18, a star on my left hand, and my second one last summer at nearly 23 with the second one being the elvish word for love written in Tengwar just below my right elbow as a reminder for me to love myself. I dyed my hair bright pink years ago and then kinda had to let it grow out so I bleached it once more and tried some new colours, blue and green, but came back to having bright pink hair and it really helps me to have that splash of colour in my everyday appearance <3

    2 months ago
  124. Lots of love from here <3 I'm personally very blunt about my darkest times, a little bit too blunt as it takes some people aback seeing as normally I'm a pretty happy bubbly person (if not a bit cynical at times)
    Being able to talk about it is hard, you're very brave and you've also helped a lot of other people by being such a positive influence, but we're here for the good times and the bad. You're like that older supportive sister for so many of us here <3

    2 months ago
  125. You are so so soooooooo amazing for putting this out here for us to see. Thank you for sharing with us so we can share back with you. I can’t really imagine how it must feel but I hope you feel better for putting it out there! PS. I would totally come to your next pity party. I could bring my chocolate dream brownies, or my expresso brownies, or my carmel brownies, or my brownie cheesecake, or (I’m sensing a theme here) basically anything chocolately and lovely!!!!!

    2 months ago
  126. Hi Martina,

    I know this was hard for you. When I recently told a few close friends about my depression I felt like I had no right to complain, and that I was making them uncomfortable. Sometimes it feels like it would be better for everyone if I suffered in silence. Anyway, I want you to know that you have been an important rung on my ladder. I have been watching since Simon first put out teaching videos in Korea. Because of you two, I followed my dream of becoming an ESL teacher, and I leave for China on Saturday. Because of you, I started dying my hair every colour of the rainbow. I got the tattoos I’ve always wanted. I made a trip to Japan for my own happiness (which never came first before). Now, as I pack my suitcases for the next five months, I’m shying away from loading up tons of movies and books, so that I can force myself to go out and be a human, outside of my apartment. Thank you for being a great Canadian role model. Thank you for the positivity. Thank you for wearing fun, cute clothes (now I have the courage to do the same!). Much love from Nova Scotia (and soon Shanghai)!

    -Kyla

    2 months ago
  127. Hi Simon and Martina! I have been watching your videos since your first Kpop Music Mondays and I haven’t missed a video or blog every since, I think I was part of the notification squad before that became a thing. I haven’t commented before (too shy) but I have always been a silent supporter of you guys throughout the years. Thank you for sharing your lives with us, I watch your videos now not only for the quality content but that I am genuinely invested in seeing how your lives are going. I am honoured that you chose shared this part of your lives with us because it takes a different level of trust to share the bad times as well as the good. You both are inspiring people and have such a wonderful supportive community around you that is rare in this world. Sending virtual hugs across the internet! <3

    2 months ago
  128. When I was younger, I attemepted suicide a few times.

    I was bullied-no, that’s not the right word. I was harrassed. And I didn’t want to deal with the thoughts or the pain. Even when I went to therapists and would start to feel better, I still had depressing and suicidal thoughts. I would assure everyone who didn’t understand that it didn’t mean that I wanted to kill myself (namely my family; if I told them just a little bit about it, they would have been forced to send me to a psych hospital. My dad once freaked out and now I don’t tell him about any of it. It’s a long story that I may or may not write about in the future.). I did get better with the right medications (I took three types for OCD, Chronic Depression, and a vitamin defecency) up until my inusrance ran out. For those who are born after the ACA was implemented in the States, children were only covered up until you were no longer a student or you went and got your own. So I had to learn to cope with everything on my own.

    There are still days where I break down and bawl my eyes out. I try to keep myself as busy as possible, but I still have triggers that set me off. But I take it and run with it. My sense of humor has become morbid and I joke about the darker side of humanity. I knit, spin yarn, do roller derby, dance, read fanfiction, take photos of my dog wearing tee shirts, and sing opera (My interests are pretty varied. Go figure.) to keep myself from taking that turn.

    Let me reiterate, though. Just like Martina said, chronic depression and any other illness (mental or chronic to be specific) is a constant. But never be ashamed when you need a pity party. I indulge in it from time to time. It helps.

    So, that’s my story. Yay?

    2 months ago
  129. Martina. This was very powerful and very brave. Your openness in sharing the painful, private side of your life is much appreciated. That you have found a path away from that dark pit is special and hopeful full of choices and tradeoffs. Not everyone will share your particular darkness, but most will see your strength and self-love which can apply to so many situations. Many cyber hugs to you from afar. And to Simon for sharing this journey with you and us. cg

    2 months ago
  130. Oh, Martina…LOTS OF LOVE and big, BIG, B I G HUGS !!! Thank you for sharing this.
    I’ve had very similar experience and resolution(s).
    I have RA (rheumatoid arthritis), which is a progressive, degenerative (joint)disease, that causes chronic joint pain, hormonal imbalances etc. Everything that you talked about…so many parallels, so many similar experiences… I know how you feel and I share your pain.
    It is wonderful and reassuring to know that you are fighting this and living your life to its fullest, and having a wonderful man by your side that will see you through it all. You’re a great guy Simon. And you should know that. I have the greatest admiration for you guys and I wish you both all the best!!! <3 <3 <3

    2 months ago
  131. Thank you for sharing Martina. I have always looked up to you and this video made me admire you more. I started watching your videos about a year ago. I was at a pretty low point, I didn’t have a lot of friends living in my area anymore and I felt really alone. Then I found you guys, an adorable, funny couple who liked to eat and do nerdy things, and taught me all about Korean culture. And suddenly I wasn’t so alone. I would come home and watch your videos and feel like I was sharing these experiences with my internet friends. I watched them so often I even started copying some of your mannerisms. Things are getting better now but I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for nearly 20 years now and seeing your honesty and especially seeing how much you love each other gives me hope that someday I might have a relationship even close to as wonderful as yours. Thank you for being my internet friends and getting me through some very hard times. I love you guys <3

    2 months ago
  132. Thank you so much for sharing *hug* As a chronically ill person myself, I’ve found your channel to be a positive influence in my life. Knowing what challenges you face, and proving just what is possible despite the pain and setbacks, has been encouraging me to not give up and keep fighting for a life I’ll enjoy. You helped me not feel ashamed of using assistive tools, and seeing Simon’s support, patience, and understanding made me see I didn’t have to settle for anyone not willing to step up to the plate and help me laugh while facing daily life.

    You and Simon both are incredible people, and I’m so grateful you have been sharing your lives with us. You guys gave me hope and courage during even the darkest of my days. ❤️️

    2 months ago
  133. This was actually an amazing way to start my day. I feel like the skies just got more blue. Thank you so much for being you.
    I don’t have any serious illness or anything; I just suffer from mild depression. I don’t know what else to call it. It keeps me feeling down a lot, and I’ve never been sure of how to deal with it, especially since I’m an extreme introvert who has serious people anxiety. I get so nervous just making a phone call, going out to the store makes me shake, and I need a lot of alone time to feel ok again. My family has never understood, and so I never felt supported. Heck, I never felt ok to share this as my family doesn’t believe these things are real; they’re just emotions that will go away. News flash, I’m 28 and they’re still here. I haven’t changed.
    At one point in my life, I was taking meds that made my depression worse. I cried all the time, I hated myself so much, I thought about killing myself all the time. The thoughts were so real. I knew where Dad kept the gun. The only way I made it out of that was reminding myself that it was just the meds. Once I was done taking them I would go back to normal. That doesn’t work the rest of my life, where I’m not taking meds anymore. I don’t know what to tell myself now. But this video has given me another viewpoint. One I needed.
    It’s different than just reading something from someone you don’t really know online. That’s like, “Oh hey, cool for you. Whatever.” But this… I’ve never met you, but I’ve followed you guys for about 7 years or so. I feel like I know you enough that I wouldn’t shake if I got to meet you. I would smile and be excited. So this really clicked, more than anything else I’ve ever read or watched. Thank you.
    I’ve struggled with my weight the last few years because my depression has gotten worse. I have no one who really understands, no one to talk to. My best friend isn’t helpful. My husband doesn’t know what to do, even when I tell him what would help. This video was so helpful, though.
    Martina, I cried with you. When your voice got all sad, I cried. When Simon came and hugged you, I cried. My heart feels so full right now. This wasn’t a pity party. This was a life party. You are helping so many people, and it’s just so wonderful.
    I know it’s been said many times already, but just know that us Nasties love you and want you to take care of yourselves.
    Sorry this was so long and all over the place. I’m all jumbled inside now. Tl;dr- thank you.

    2 months ago
  134. A long response, but this is an important topic.

    Depression is much more common than people realize. I have it too and from experience I can say that the prescription drugs don’t do much against depression, not even the SSRIs. I concluded there’s no cure, oh well I won the bad lottery. For years I dealt with grief which would come as what I called “waves of sorrow” where I had to stop what I was doing and perhaps sit for a while, waiting for the wave to pass. Then I would get up and continue doing whatever I was doing (washing dishes, etc.) When it happens while driving I would just keep driving and focus on the sensation of holding the steering wheel, pay attention to what’s going on, etc. My doctor couldn’t help. Sometimes (in men mostly perhaps?) depression gets diagnosed as OCD when in fact it’s because we are anchored in a traumatic event that cannot be resolved. “Mindfulness” is the latest fad in treating depression, might work for some people, didn’t work for me (though self-remembering and self-observation while conscious is a good thing to do regardless). One side effect is sleepiness. I learned to live day-to-day, take the good with the bad, there are moments where I feel happy and content enough that I’m actually doing pretty well. Focusing on doing things for others not myself, remembering what’s truly important, asking myself “When I’m old and I look back on my life, what will my footprints in the beach sand say about how I lived my life?” Looking after (truly) lazy cats helps too (have you ever asked your cat what he/she achieved today? What are it’s goals?, LOL. Ask yourself: Why do we need to feel we are achieving things when cats couldn’t care less and they’re doing fine “oh and where’s my food? Yawn.”). Finding irony in life; when you pay attention to how life is set up, it’s ridiculous really. Some situations are so ridiculous or unimaginable that we just burst out laughing at the silliness of it all.

    One thing mindfulness DOES teach us pretty fast: Ideas come and go in our heads, like floaters. Most people don’t realize this and just act them out. Same with emotions, the body produces emotions and they do put wind in our sail but we’re not actually those emotions. Emotions are from the body, very local, and quite stupid actually: One moment you’re sad, then you find out you there is ice cream left you’re all happy, then you’re distracted by something else. The ice cream was there all along, emotions do not reflect reality in an objective way. As for aches and pains, I always say I got the Skoda model while others seem to have a Chevy Tahoe or a Ferrari. Again, not our choice is it. If you’re in a park, listen to the wind. Horrible things do happen but nature doesn’t judge, it just is. More often than not it’s stunningly beautiful, pleasant and calm.

    Keep going Martina, your work is enriching other people’s lives, looks like Simon cares about you a lot (though I don’t know what to say about that beard…), live your life as best you can and do take time to take care of yourself, do things you want to do. It’s how you act in life that really matters, much more than what the world does to you. It’s all about how you take care of yourself (best effort), how influence the world and the tracks you leave behind. Just ask Simon if what life does to you matters more than who you are. It’s pretty obvious that what life does to people isn’t what really matters.

    2 months ago
  135. Thank you so much for this Martina. I have been watching your videos since your early days in Korea. Although I rarely made a comment, I felt compelled to this time.
    My fiance suffers from depression which I’ve been trying to be helpful and supportive with. It worries me to no end and at times can be very frustrating for both of us. Seeing Simon’s example towards you is so inspiring. Although I won’t be able to lift my much-heavier-than-me fiance up physically, I want to be able to up lift him emotionally. I’m definitly going to write out your quote of doing it all rather than doing nothing at all. I love taking trips places and we are aiming to take our honeymoon in S Korea and Tokyo later this year. We will aim to add ladder rungs with all the new experiences as we start our life together! Thank you so much Martina and Simon.
    -Shannon

    2 months ago
  136. Hi Martina,

    First of all I would like to say you’re awesome and inspiring and brave and amazing.
    I suffered a lot the past year getting over a relationship. Tried my best to be the best girl for him and lost myself along the way. Cried and begged and all kinds of embarrassing things. I stopped functioning as a normal human, quit my job, stayed home all day and my health was getting from bad to worse. But when I realize I might have been cheated on all along, I just tell myself I’m gonna be the queen of my life! I won’t allow someone to have such control over my emotions. I threw away everything, blocked him everywhere and start to talk to more people and know more people.
    Although I can’t say I have fully recovered but watching your videos really cheers me up and make me think there’s still so many things I wanna do.
    It will take some time for me to love again but I’ll keep moving forward!
    Thank you for sharing! You’re my inspiration!

    2 months ago
  137. Hi Martina,

    I do not have depression but my best friend (of 15 years) does. Last year he suddenly went MIA and stopped talking to me for 3 months. No replies to calls, texts, or even when I went over to his house.

    He’s come out of the pit since then, but during that time I researched scientific journals, articles, and basically anything I could to try to understand what depression is and why my friend had ceased all communication. It was a difficult period not only for him, but for me too.

    Thank you for making this video because I’m sure it took a long time to understand and manage your depression. The more exposure this topic gets, the less people will feel stigmatized, and reach for help.

    2 months ago
  138. Thank you so much for being so honest with us, Martina!! Depression is so real and so prevalent everywhere but so few people are willing to talk honestly about it. I hope you gained strength just by putting the video out there. In my experience, it takes a massive weight off your shoulders just being honest and vulnerable (even though i hate letting people see my weakness).

    I’m not a believer of the “everything happens for a reason” mantra, so I wouldn’t want to say that you deal with these things for a reason. BUT I DO think you are so lucky to have all of us Nasties to maybe sometimes put you in a better mood… and in turn, we Nasties are so lucky that we subscribe to two amazing people who we can learn from, be encouraged by, and relate to. So THANK YOU for showing us what you see in Korea and Japan and for showing us what it really means to stick with a friend/husband/wife through thick and thin (major respeck to Simon).

    I hope you find peace in your journey up the ladder. Sending you love and hugs!!

    2 months ago
  139. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for over half my life, and there comes a point when it is a part of you who you are. I think that’s the part that “healthy” people have a hard time understanding – we feel like we’re fighting ourselves and it feels much easier to just give in and let the depressed part win. It also takes so much energy to accept that this awful feeling, while being all-consuming, is a part of you that you have to deal with just to get through the day.
    I had been in a deep, dark pit for over two years, but finally sought help last summer and I’m beginning to see the good in life again. I can’t agree with you more about setting up small goals – I’m still at the stage where eating three meals a day is an accomplishment, but it feels good when I do it. Funnily enough, I also went the knitting route, down to having the goal of going to the store to buy the yarn!
    Thanks for sharing your struggles. I know it’s hard to tell people that you’re suffering, especially when you’re trying so hard not to show it, but there’s strength in not having to hide it. And you have an amazing support system in Simon and all us Nasties. Keep doing you, girl – we’re right here with you!

    2 months ago
  140. Having to stay at the hospital right now, again, and having my 6th surgery within the last two years, your video just really built me up so much, thank you! It felt so good to hear that I am not crazy for doing sightseeing in japan even though my legs feel like they are on fire everytime I stand, walk or move and going to a club in seoul even though I have been doing sightseeing in asia for 2 weeks and experiencing the most pain I ever had. I didn’t regret it. It’s really hard to live with that pain every day but experiences like these, even though they make the pain worse, are what keeps me going. I’m crying in silent support right now, it is amazing how you deal with everything and still inspire people and help them deal with their own demons. Thank you so much Martina:)

    2 months ago
  141. Thank you for Sharing this with us. We all Love you and are with you all the Time. <3

    2 months ago
  142. Hi Martina, I don’t even know if you would get to read this… but I know for sure that your inspirational words saved a life today. We love you… and I just want to thank you for opening up your life to all of us.

    2 months ago
  143. I hugged my computer halfway through this video…

    After moving to Japan my joints went haywire and i’ve been struggling with my ligaments and just getting to work and being a responsible adult. Hug Hug times a million.

    2 months ago
  144. I know this was a hard video to do, but i really can not thank you enough <3 SUPER INTERNET HUG!

    2 months ago
  145. This was hard to watch Martina, but only because we’ve been with you for a long time. When you cried, I cried too.
    I had the honor of meeting you once (very briefly, in a subway. You and Simon were wearing super lame matching tracksuits), but even though you don’t know much about the other side of the screen, a lot of us have grown with you.
    Martina, my sister, thank you. We already had an idea. Your pain is becoming more apparent and we are proud of you for being strong, and greatful to you for staying with us.
    We will be with you, like we have been from the start, so do what you have to to stay happy and healthy.

    I love you. We love you. Every side of you.

    2 months ago
  146. Love you, too. So much! You’ve brought me so much happiness and made me smile with every video you guys have made. Thank you for sticking through everything to be here today with us. You are our irreplaceable magical unicorn and we’ll always be here to give you our love and hugs. <3

    2 months ago
  147. This video is incredibly brave and wonderful, thank you so much for sharing <3 <3 <3

    2 months ago
  148. As all the nasties electronic devices are now broken because of people trying to jump in and give you a gigantic group hug! Martina FIGHTING!

    2 months ago
  149. Hi Martina! Im from argentina, soooo my english sucks, but, is enough to write XP.
    Last winter a fell on the ice geting my ski boots, i hurt my butt a lot, but i ignore it because it did not seem serius. One month later my back start yo hurt, like a lot. A went to de doctor, he made analisis that took two months to complete. Nothing, i had nothig, but my back hurt more and more, i could´t sleep because of the pain, or sitting or standing and the remedies they gave me did not do anything to me (And, on the top of that my depression came back). So, he dicide to infiltrate me, is some kind of pain block where they
    stuck needles on my back and shoved me in and out of a tomograph (with the nedles still stuck!)until they finally injected me.

    The pain went away for a month, but it turned worse than before. To make matters worse, my mother decided to kick me out of my house, so this beginning of the year has been very hard. Several times I thought about killing myself in the last month, and although this seems a letter about the tragic that is my last year, I wanted to tell you that I go ahead mostly thanks to you and the videos that you do. This video helped me a lot. I always think that if you do not stay seated self-pitying, I will not either. Thanks for everything Martina. I love you soooooo much!
    PS: When I’m a big woman, I hope to be just as great as you, full of tattoos and colored hairs.

    2 months ago
  150. Hi Martina. I would like to start of with saying thank you so much for making this video, even though it was hard for you. I have been following you guys since 2012 and I have also met you on different occasions and you are both the loveliest people. I have been dealing with depression since I was around 8 years old (I am now 20) and the ‘1 negative 2 positives’ method you guys talked about a couple of years ago really helped me change the way I look at life. I am living in Korea now, alone for the first time, and going to sleep is a big challenge because of my anxiety and depression so I started listening to your podcasts at night and it calms me down. I love and adore you both so much and hearing you talk about your depression breaks my heart but it also makes me so happy that you have a husband who would walk through fire for you and vice versa. You are so strong and inspirational for getting through this the way you have.

    2 months ago
  151. Fighting Martina! :) You made the right decision! And you know what? If you do not have these problems probably you would never leave Canada ever and see those wonders!

    2 months ago
    • Oh, and I wanted to say too, that I do not feel sorry in the common way for you. It is not necessary, and wouldn’t help at all. But I really truly respect the strength in you and in the relationship with Simon. I respect your brave attitude to go against your boundaries!

      2 months ago
  152. I also wanted to thank you for being open about this. I completely agree with your building a ladder out of the pit; it’s something with which I’m familiar. Seeing other people talk about this helps, and I know hearing about other people’s coping mechanisms can help others to develop their own.

    Mostly, I’m glad that you have support and love in your life and can build that ladder one rung at a time. And that you’re willing to share these joys with us.

    2 months ago
  153. Martina – Thank you sooooo much for sharing! My daughter, who just turned 20 yesterday, has EDS and it has totally changed our lives. She constantly deals with pain and depression and spends many days in bed watching Netflix. She hasn’t been able to do the things that her friends have done, and hasn’t been able to find a job that she is able to do. Your videos have been an encouragement to her because she sees you having fun. This video will help even more….showing that you have depressing days, just like she does…..and even more important, how you deal with them. You are great role model for her! You will never know how much you and Simon have impacted our lives! She was in a dark pit until she found your videos. Don’t ever feel bad about sharing what you’re going through….it helps her know that she isn’t alone! I wish that I had a magic wand that could cure EDS. Sending love and gentle hugs!

    2 months ago
  154. ah, every day is fighting and trying to think that there are other people who live worst than me :/ i really hate depression, because there is no reason why i feel so bad and i really hate that. For me helps listen to music i always walking with headphones and on my free time i watching something funny, avoiding movies who makes stress. Korean TV show are perfect to me. Also i noticed, that very strong and positive people gives me lots of energy… it’s like you Martina with Simon give us good emotion’s explosion.
    Girl keep of positive and fight hard as we can!

    2 months ago
  155. Red

    Martina, i’ve followed you guys for so long and i admire you so much, for being able to still stand above all of your problems.
    My family had a rough patch and things are not simple, im starting to fight to get my own business, and sometimes i feel like im not good enough to carry on with it, having people working for me and that im so afraid to disappoint, but hey, knowing that you could overcome something as difficult as EDS, gets me thinking, gets me going.
    You are a true inspiration, i’ve cried when you guys moved to japan and i’ve cried seeing you cry… im sure so many people feel heartbroken to see you sad but you must also know that everyone commenting here also feels inspired and warmed by your words.
    Love from Peru!

    2 months ago
  156. It is a hard thing to do, but thank you for opening up and sharing this. We all love and support you. I can really relate to this video, as I have a condition that will never change (amputee here!). It’s hard to get passed that idea that nothing can change it, that the pain that comes with the condition (physical, emotional, or both) will never completely fade. Since I started watching your videos, you’ve really helped me look at and react to the world in a different way. I took your mantra to heart and started telling myself to see the positives in the world. So I just wanted to say thanks, you guys have made such a positive impact on my life. Keep doing what you do, and know that people are here for you.

    2 months ago
  157. I figured my second comment would be easier to find on the blog post so here it is. My friend, who has a loving husband that I had the honor to meet/work with, has EDS. She has a job putting up signs with him as their everyday job. What makes me proud of being her friend, while learning about the condition, is knowing that despite all the pain she had a baby.(Note this isn’t meant to be a “don’t be sad look at what others deal with kind of comment) Keep dancing, eating, climbing, surfing, writing, exercising, and doing whatever makes you happy because If she can do that and still be a boss a** b***h I know you can too Martina :)

    2 months ago
  158. It really breaks my heart to see you cry like that on camera, I started crying immediately. But at the same time, I’m happy to see you open up about it and find the strenght to talk about such a difficult topic. I’m proud of you Martina, I’m happy to learn that all those things that might seem silly like dying your hair pink and having wolverine, meemers, spugdy, a cupcake, and a rainbow tatooed on your arm, have actually a really important meaning to you! I love you so much! You have no idea how many times you’ve helped me feel better when I was having the worst days in my life. I’ve always been depressed, but I started becoming happier and more positive after discovering your channel 6 years ago… I started using your advices on how to become more grateful, more positive, and to never take anything for granted. Simon and you became my role models. I learned so many things from you guys. Thank you for all the times you’ve made me feel better, for helping me become who I am today, and for making me want to live without regrets ^^ There are some days where everything is fine, but then there are others where we feel like we’ve fallen back into depression and that we can never be able to escape from it… But we gotta stay strong and wait for better and happier days… I wish all the best. Stay strong~

    2 months ago
  159. Hi! I have not had time to watch the video yet, but I saw the title and read the blog post and my first reaction is the same.
    Hi. I love you. I support you. I also have some really shitty neurochemical imbalances that sometimes knock me silly and make everything terrible even when it is objectively not actually that bad? But I am so so glad you have added extra rungs to your ladder and have awesome friends family and other support systems to hold you up. Your videos have made me laugh on bad days. I met you in Seoul at your coffee shop and again in New York at a meetup and your presence in my life has been an entirely positive one. (Also you inspired me to actually visit Korea and Jeju is still the most beautiful place I have ever been.)
    So hello. I love you, I support you, and if you ever have a bad brain day and need to read that again and again please do.

    Also I call me chronic depression my neurochemical imbalance because that is what it is. My brain does not process Serotonin correctly. It is not something wrong with me as a person. It is an illness that I have to deal with. Almost every genetically female person I am related to has the SAME THING from about puberty until their mid 40s. (Only 10 years to go yay me!) And now we have medicine to correct the issue and we are able to talk about it in public and say – wait, shit, this is GENETIC. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME AS A PERSON. OR YOU AS A PERSON.

    So again. I love you. I support you. You do what you need to do to deal with whatever your brain chemistry is throwing at you today. You got this.

    2 months ago
  160. Thank you for opening up about this. I struggle too and honestly the past couple of weeks have been the hardest in a long time. I needed to read and see this today, so thank you. I look up to you guys a lot and knowing that you struggle too definitely gives me a little more motivation to keep going. Because you deal with it too, but look how many awesome things you’ve done? I hope I can do that too. ❤️

    2 months ago