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An Open Talk About My Depression

February 8, 2017

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Are you prepared for a really emotional video? Cause wow…this was a hard video for me to film.

I was really hesitant about sharing this with everyone because I didn’t want the end product of this video to be sadness. I didn’t want to share my feelings with you all and for you to leave the computer feeling sad. Simon and I have been talking about sharing this video with you all for a long time, and I think I finally felt comfortable sharing it when I was able to get a grasp on how it is that I deal with my depression. I didn’t want to just tell you all “hey I suffer from chronic depression.” I wanted to talk about it once I had the words to explain how I handle it.

We talked about it a lot, which I think is really important because you can often be caught inside your own head and not fully understand what you’re feeling. And that’s challenging, because depression is really isolating, even if you’re in a room full of people. If you stay inside your own head, you start to believe the things you tell yourself, as if they are facts. Without being checked by the outside world, you can fall even deeper into your own negative thoughts.

Those days that I was my lowest, I kept thinking something must be wrong with my life for me to feel this way. But the more I dug into it, the more I realized that I don’t really have anything to complain about in my life. I am the happiest I have ever been, personally and professionally, but my body and my pain is the worst its ever been. Even though I am mentally in a happy place, my body is sending out distress signals due to the constant pain, and that distress is wrecking havoc on me mentally. But it wasn’t always so obvious. I had to break down and scrutinize every aspect of my life to see if something was wrong. I looked at my job. Was I happy as a YouTuber? Yup. Totally. It’s the most fulfilling job I can think of. I actually think it might be the most fulfilling job in the world, if you have a kind audience (like we fortunately do). I looked at my husband. Is Simon doing something wrong? Am I upset with him? Nope. He’s fantastic and supportive and my best friend. Am I angry at my friends? Family? Pets? Co-Workers?…the list went on and not matter how much I searched for “issues” with my life, I found that I didn’t have any. This long hard look at my own life and what I perceived as bringing happiness or sadness gave me a feeling of both relief and dread. I realized that the outside sources in my life were not the problem. It was a problem I was dealing with in my own head. Even though I am currently living my dream life, living in Japan which is something I wanted since I was a child, and I’m living a great life here, depression doesn’t care what state I’m in, and has come along for the ride.

It isn’t something I can fix with money or lifestyle changes. And I think this is a really important point because a lot of people think that if they were millionaires that could have all the cars, houses, food, girls, guys, clothing, jewelry, and vacations in the world they would be totally happy. But that is just not the truth. I have a favourite quote from Jim Carrey who said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” Since I have come to that same conclusion, I realize that I need to see my depression as a chemical reaction, not as a byproduct of my life. It can feel impossible to fight against an emotional feeling, but you can do it. It is not impossible. You acknowledge that what you are saying is mean and untrue. You are whispering negative things to yourself, but you are strong enough to see those negative things and acknowledge them as wrong. It is the same as when someone looks into the mirror and calls themselves fat and ugly. The more you call yourself these negative things, the more you truly believe it. By stopping this cycle of negative thought, you stop adding fuel to the negative fire.

I still have days where I feel totally despondent and sad, but now I know that they are coming. Now I see these days are a write-off where I have to just take a bath, watch a show, or check out mentally. When I was younger, these days blindsided me. I felt overhwmelend and alone with emotions. I let them wash me down a river of negative thoughts. I believed all the negative thoughts I was having, and I would act on them. And…I tried to kill myself because of it.

That was really hard for me to say. It’s a deep dark secret that has embarrassed me and stayed with my for many years. I didn’t talk about it in my Draw My Life video. I wasn’t comfortable enough with it yet. I feel embarrassed about it now because it’s not a decision I would ever make again. It was a selfish decision that would have hurt my friends and family, and it’s embarrassing to say out loud because I feel like it was such a fucking stupid thing that I did. But I also know that it’s a real state of mind that people feel, a real question that they ask themselves. I’m glad that I was able to get myself out of that state of mind, out of the bottom of the pit. I’m more in control now, but it’ll always be there to remind me of where I could go if I don’t keep control of myself.

The amount of rungs I’ve added to my ladder makes it a lot harder for me to get down that low again. Back then, I didn’t have anything going for me. I was despondent. And all I saw was pain. Now I realize that these emotions and feelings must be contained and dealt with. I squash them down and deal with them all into one or two days, and do my best to not let it spread. In high school and university the feeling would span across days and weeks until I was an exhausted and sad lump of Martina. Now I don’t let it get passed two days. I think that is a huge difference and I hope once day to squash it down to one day. Hopefully I can get to the point one day where I can get it down to just a few hours.

I hope that my honesty in this video didn’t make you feel to upset. I think that we are all human and all deal with different difficulties, and I know that my difficulty is not the same as yours. But what I hope is that in sharing this video, we can all open up and share other ways in which we deal with our lowest days. Or if it’s too personal for you to share, and you don’t feel comfortable (because I wasn’t comfortable for years, and I still feel scared talking about it), I hope at least you can see with my example that, even though I have chronic depression, and I will never be able to fully get rid of it, I’m learning how to live with it and manage it. I hope that you can do so as well. I love you guise.

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An Open Talk About My Depression

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  1. I wanted to thank you for making this video. I love you guys, there have been many days where you picked me up, even though I was stuck in my room maybe weeks or even months at a time. I have a diagnosis now, but I’m 20, it took this long to officially be recognizes as someone suffering from Asbergers and chronic headaches and migraine. I write this because there was a long time where I had no friends and all the time people would get irritated because I wouldn’t participate in school like every one else. For a long time I felt useless, what was I doing wrong? Am I wrong. I had always used art to cope with these feelings. Creating a book of characters that became my life. That slowly I started to make Cosplay, I wasn’t a bog fan of conventions, since I didn’t have any frinds, but I liked making the costumes. My life isn’t easy, even now after having a few actual friends, I had to stop studying at university because I got so heavily depressed that I was wondering what point I was trying to achieve. I couldn’t watch you when I was at my worst, but I did have youtube. Now when I decided to stop the course I was taking I had you guys to watch. I know you can’t put out as much content as you did once, but I get really excited when you upload a video and this one made me happy. Not sad or feeling pity. I was relieved, when Martina started crying so did I because I understood what she meant. I wanted to thank you guys for putting this video together, I’m often to shy to comment, but I really enjoy your videos and I’m really happy that because of youtube Martina gets to have one more stage to her ladder. I for one am not one for hiking, I do sometimes Norway is perfect for nature-gazing after all. But I just randomly started making a little clay doll, that I want to make into a small Zelda. I occasionally make youtube videos of my paintings because it makes me feel good. Thank you, I really appreciate you making this video <3

    4 months ago
  2. I just wanted to let everyone know, that although I can’t reply to everyone, I have read every single comment that has come in so far. Thank you so much for sharing all your personal stories with me, it helps me feel like I’m not alone and keeps me determined to keep climbing. I’m so lucky and happy to be part of this amazing community of wonderful Nasties that have accepted me for who I am.

    4 months ago
    • Whenever you are feeling down, I hope that you’ll flip back to the comments here & read everyone’s stories & know that we’re all there with you in spirit. And, for every one of us that’s left a story or comment here, there are thousands — thousands!!! — of people hoping to strengthen your ladder & keep you away from *ever* falling down into that pit again.

      4 months ago
  3. Hi Simon and Martina! I have been watching your videos since your first Kpop Music Mondays and I haven’t missed a video or blog every since, I think I was part of the notification squad before that became a thing. I haven’t commented before (too shy) but I have always been a silent supporter of you guys throughout the years. Thank you for sharing your lives with us, I watch your videos now not only for the quality content but that I am genuinely invested in seeing how your lives are going. I am honoured that you chose shared this part of your lives with us because it takes a different level of trust to share the bad times as well as the good. You both are inspiring people and have such a wonderful supportive community around you that is rare in this world. Sending virtual hugs across the internet! <3

    4 months ago
  4. Hi Martina,

    I know this was hard for you. When I recently told a few close friends about my depression I felt like I had no right to complain, and that I was making them uncomfortable. Sometimes it feels like it would be better for everyone if I suffered in silence. Anyway, I want you to know that you have been an important rung on my ladder. I have been watching since Simon first put out teaching videos in Korea. Because of you two, I followed my dream of becoming an ESL teacher, and I leave for China on Saturday. Because of you, I started dying my hair every colour of the rainbow. I got the tattoos I’ve always wanted. I made a trip to Japan for my own happiness (which never came first before). Now, as I pack my suitcases for the next five months, I’m shying away from loading up tons of movies and books, so that I can force myself to go out and be a human, outside of my apartment. Thank you for being a great Canadian role model. Thank you for the positivity. Thank you for wearing fun, cute clothes (now I have the courage to do the same!). Much love from Nova Scotia (and soon Shanghai)!

    -Kyla

    4 months ago
  5. This was hard to watch Martina, but only because we’ve been with you for a long time. When you cried, I cried too.
    I had the honor of meeting you once (very briefly, in a subway. You and Simon were wearing super lame matching tracksuits), but even though you don’t know much about the other side of the screen, a lot of us have grown with you.
    Martina, my sister, thank you. We already had an idea. Your pain is becoming more apparent and we are proud of you for being strong, and greatful to you for staying with us.
    We will be with you, like we have been from the start, so do what you have to to stay happy and healthy.

    I love you. We love you. Every side of you.

    4 months ago
  6. Thank you so much for sharing your Story and your struggles with us Martina <3 For me that was the point to well look at my life and my story. Writing it down in at least a short version and well I have done that now and thought I might as well share it here~

    For me my Depression came from my ADHD and pretty bad bullying in Elementary School. The first signs showed up at the age of 13/14 when I hit a first low and got worse when my first relationship ended, well it was more a case of her having a Boyfriend simultanously and one day simply breaking off all contact with me. But somehow I came back out of that pit, or rather I told that myself because I did not want to have another mental illness that would just add to my status as an outcast that my ADHD and later my love for Visual Kei and Japan in general had already brought to me. Took me a few years with pretty deep lows, which I tried to cope with by building my own alternative reality (not a good Idea btw… cost me quite a few "friendships"), until I opened up to my psychology teacher in School after we had talked about Depression in class. At that time I had less than two years to my A Levels. Luckily I was already in therapy for my ADHD so I did not have to wait for weeks to get an appointment. My Therapist put me on a light natural treatment (sorry I don't remember the name of the plant in englisch… In German it's Johanniskraut) which did help and actually got me through my A Levels with pretty good grades except for math. But after that my old Psychiatrist took me off all my medication as a trial and until today I hadn't had my ADHD medication because she saw no indication for me needing it anymore. That made my depression only get worse, I dropped out of Uni because of it and for about two years hardly left the house except for Cons and Concerts which where basically what kept me sane. At times I was suicidal, at least in my head I never had the courage to actually try to commit suicide something which I'm happy about now. In that time I was then put on one of the most common antidepressants and later my new psychiatrist changed that one for another one. But at that time the fact I needed medication again made me feel like a failure, by now I have accepted the fact and even told my doctor if I felt the need to adjust something or like now to get back on ADHD meds. Two Years ago in february 2015 I went to a clinic for analytic psychotherapy for a full three months. That was the braking point that started my Road to Recovery or rather to being relatively stable. I got into a program that was aimed at getting young people with mental ilnesses ready for apprentenceships in which I learned a lot but also had some pretty deep pits as one of our friends in the group took his own life at just 17 Years old and another Relationship failed, well I got dumped by the same person twice I really shouldn't give everyone a second chance. But at the same time I moved out from home into shared therapeutic Appartment with 3 other Girls and started to set goals for myself again. Starting from just getting up everyday to cooking for myself and now up to finally getting my drivers license and saving up for my first BJD and maybe even a vacation in Japan in 2019 or so. But right now my longterm Goal is being stable enough to get into an apprentenceship and then getting a Job to sustain myself. Actually it's the first time I put all of it in writing and seeing my story like that oh well I guess I never took the easy route in life. A lot of the coping mechanisms you talked about are things I do for myself. Going out to cons, concerts and even just for lunch with my friends, I might need a few days away from people to recover but I feel awesome while being out and about; getting my first Tattoo at 18, a star on my left hand, and my second one last summer at nearly 23 with the second one being the elvish word for love written in Tengwar just below my right elbow as a reminder for me to love myself. I dyed my hair bright pink years ago and then kinda had to let it grow out so I bleached it once more and tried some new colours, blue and green, but came back to having bright pink hair and it really helps me to have that splash of colour in my everyday appearance <3

    4 months ago
  7. Thank you for opening up about this. I struggle too and honestly the past couple of weeks have been the hardest in a long time. I needed to read and see this today, so thank you. I look up to you guys a lot and knowing that you struggle too definitely gives me a little more motivation to keep going. Because you deal with it too, but look how many awesome things you’ve done? I hope I can do that too. ❤️

    4 months ago
  8. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for over half my life, and there comes a point when it is a part of you who you are. I think that’s the part that “healthy” people have a hard time understanding – we feel like we’re fighting ourselves and it feels much easier to just give in and let the depressed part win. It also takes so much energy to accept that this awful feeling, while being all-consuming, is a part of you that you have to deal with just to get through the day.
    I had been in a deep, dark pit for over two years, but finally sought help last summer and I’m beginning to see the good in life again. I can’t agree with you more about setting up small goals – I’m still at the stage where eating three meals a day is an accomplishment, but it feels good when I do it. Funnily enough, I also went the knitting route, down to having the goal of going to the store to buy the yarn!
    Thanks for sharing your struggles. I know it’s hard to tell people that you’re suffering, especially when you’re trying so hard not to show it, but there’s strength in not having to hide it. And you have an amazing support system in Simon and all us Nasties. Keep doing you, girl – we’re right here with you!

    4 months ago
  9. Hi Martina! Im from argentina, soooo my english sucks, but, is enough to write XP.
    Last winter a fell on the ice geting my ski boots, i hurt my butt a lot, but i ignore it because it did not seem serius. One month later my back start yo hurt, like a lot. A went to de doctor, he made analisis that took two months to complete. Nothing, i had nothig, but my back hurt more and more, i could´t sleep because of the pain, or sitting or standing and the remedies they gave me did not do anything to me (And, on the top of that my depression came back). So, he dicide to infiltrate me, is some kind of pain block where they
    stuck needles on my back and shoved me in and out of a tomograph (with the nedles still stuck!)until they finally injected me.

    The pain went away for a month, but it turned worse than before. To make matters worse, my mother decided to kick me out of my house, so this beginning of the year has been very hard. Several times I thought about killing myself in the last month, and although this seems a letter about the tragic that is my last year, I wanted to tell you that I go ahead mostly thanks to you and the videos that you do. This video helped me a lot. I always think that if you do not stay seated self-pitying, I will not either. Thanks for everything Martina. I love you soooooo much!
    PS: When I’m a big woman, I hope to be just as great as you, full of tattoos and colored hairs.

    4 months ago
  10. Martina – Thank you sooooo much for sharing! My daughter, who just turned 20 yesterday, has EDS and it has totally changed our lives. She constantly deals with pain and depression and spends many days in bed watching Netflix. She hasn’t been able to do the things that her friends have done, and hasn’t been able to find a job that she is able to do. Your videos have been an encouragement to her because she sees you having fun. This video will help even more….showing that you have depressing days, just like she does…..and even more important, how you deal with them. You are great role model for her! You will never know how much you and Simon have impacted our lives! She was in a dark pit until she found your videos. Don’t ever feel bad about sharing what you’re going through….it helps her know that she isn’t alone! I wish that I had a magic wand that could cure EDS. Sending love and gentle hugs!

    4 months ago
  11. I’m not sure if you’ll get the chance to read every comment (there’s so many lovely notes here and on youtube) but I still just want to post my own response to this video in the chance that you’ll see it.

    Thank you so much for posting this video, despite how hard I know it must be for you to talk about these issues. I’ve been dealing with depression on-and-off since I was about 13 (I’m 25 now) and I know how difficult it can be to open up about the low points and even just the day-to-day struggles. I don’t suffer from chronic pain, but I’ve had days where I can’t get myself out of bed for no other reason than my brain has decided it doesn’t want to work with me today. I’ve missed events and things with friends because I couldn’t get myself to go. And a long time ago, I self-harmed. It’s so difficult to talk about, especially when there still is such a gap between how some people perceive depression and chronic illness and the reality of suffering from it.

    Your ladder analogy though? That was… honestly, it was so wonderful because it really is the small things that start to bring you up. A few years ago, while I was still in college, I was going through a particularly rough point and felt pretty hopeless. A friend suggested a youtube channel to me that she liked watching for kpop music reviews and korean food reviews and I thought – what the heck, if I’m going to spend too much time curled up in bed because my brain chemicals hate me, I may as well watch cool people talk about a place I know nothing about and delicious looking food. Your videos became a bright spot, a highlight of each week. It was a rung added to a shaky ladder and it made such a huge difference in my life, even if I remained just one anonymous view on a video.

    It wasn’t just the food or places you showed the viewers though. I have to say, seeing you guys try new things whenever you could – whether it be food or a new hairstyle or whatever – and be so much yourselves was such a boost. I love that you guys are unapologetically yourselves. Martina, I love that you continue to wear cute things and bright colors and have adorable accessories and encourage your viewers to be themselves. It’s made me feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and embrace the things that make me happy in small ways.

    Martina, I’m sorry that you have days where everything sucks. There is really no other way to put it. But I’m so glad that you continue to fight. I’m glad you’re surrounded by people and animals that love you so much and that you and Simon share your adventures with us. But most importantly, thank you for being a bright spot in the dark, a rung in the ladder, for so many of your viewers and for living so vibrantly.

    <3

    4 months ago
  12. My mom was recently diagnosed with cancer and had to go through chemo and radiation which put her in alot of pain almost everday. She often tells me “The most important thing in life isn’t fame or riches, it’s your health take care of it!” I don’t know if she’ll ever fully recover back to her normal enthusiastic personality, but I do know that I’ll be there to help her until the end. This video made me think of her and I just want to say that you’re so strong Martina! Keep pressing forward!

    4 months ago
  13. This video is so moving and motivational. What you said about adding rings to the ladder is what I try and do as much as possible.

    The depression I suffer is not from a chronic condition. I have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder l, which is a result from witnessing up close and nearly being killed in a school shooting in May of 1998. I watched people I knew get shot, and not all of them made it. It took me years to get to the point where I could even talk about it. I sometimes will randomly replay the event in my mind at random. But the small things in my life are what I try and use to add those rungs. I love William Shatner and his music. I watch a lot of anime. I play video games. I don’t have enough to afford and adventure so I try to find them in my life. But there are days where it is hard. I panic if I hear a siren from a ambulance, hospitals make me nervous, and while I am not anti-gun the sight of them can leave me trembling. Then in 2012 my mother, fav teacher, and brother in law all passed away within a month. So the rungs become less. But I started adding them back. I was a intern on a hilarious radio show where I had a lot of fun. I graduated from the University of Oregon. I played a nerf war for charity.

    Martina you are amazing and the love that Simon and you share is so precious. You guys have motivated me over the years so much with the videos, especially the old open the happy ones and anything with spudgy and meemers. I wish I could thank you in person and tell you how much you guys mean to me.

    4 months ago
  14. This is my first post ever, even though I’ve been watching your videos for years now. Despite having watched only one of your videos my husband knows your names (he loooves Coco Curry, so you can guess which one ;P), because I talk about you guys and your videos whenever a new one comes out. As an expat living in Asia, your videos and blog posts all strike a chord with me; the funny, the cute, the adventurous and the thoughtful. And this video compelled me to step out of my anonymous comfort zone and reach out.

    As someone who deals with severe and sometimes crippling anxiety, to the point of sabotaging my own life when I let it get out of hand, I’m no stranger to feelings of worthlessness, shame and depression. My mother lives with an incurable chronic illness and her own anxiety issues, which hasn’t been without its impact on me and my family. It is hard and it will never go away. It’s who I am, but it’s also something I am learning to navigate and cope with. Two days instead of weeks, and perhaps one day I’ll only need a few hours to turn around those dark thoughts. Everything you said rang so true for me, despite our very different circumstances. Sometimes I climb, sometimes I stumble back down, but I’m damned well determined to keep charging that ladder! And as I struggle, I learn new coping mechanisms to make space for the good things in life. Which brings me to this:

    I can tell you with 100% conviction that YOU, Martina, have made a difference in my life, even though we’ll probably never meet. You’re a rung in my ladder, all the way. You and Simon and your videos and your life philosophy have been an inspiration to me. You’ve helped me to become more unapologetic about who I am and the things I love, because you showed me how and paved the way. When I’m low and need a couch day away from the world, your videos keep me from feeling isolated. Something about your relentless kindness and can-do-spirit is so uplifting. When I grow cynical with expat life and become homesick, your videos help me see my host country from a kinder point of view again and rekindle that joy of exploration and discovery. When I see you and Simon, I see my husband and myself. When you try out new things, I feel the urge to go an adventure as well. Me going to Seoul, trying new foods, glueing cute crap on my BB cushion compact, proudly displaying my plushies, etc etc. That’s all you! When I watch one of your videos, it feels like meeting with old friends, or perhaps kindred spirits. The internet is bizar and wonderful that way.

    So when you talk about your struggles so bravely and openly, you’ve paved the way for me and so many others once more. To break through the silence and put yourself out there like that requires tremendous courage and strength, for which I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words, tears and advice stirred in me a feeling of recognition and hope (and some tears of my own). I’ll show my mom this video. I will keep adding rungs to my own ladder and to those of my loved ones. And even though this is just one comment, I hope it can help to shore up your ladder.

    Thank you for everything, truly (>^.^)> BEAR HUG

    4 months ago
    • (>^.^)> BEAR HUG BACK! I think it’s amazing that the internet has given us a place to meet kindred spirits in an almost pen-pal but better because it is instant communication kind-of-way. I’m so happy I can help to inspire adventure or, if you will…adding a new step to your ladder. It was a really difficult video to put out because I felt ashamed and embarrassed about my inside feelings but after reading all the comments I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders in knowing that other people are also feeling the same way I am. Thanks for taking the time to leave this great comment, you and all the others have really helped to shore up my ladder. :)

      4 months ago
      • Hello, Simon and Martina. There is a guy, his name is Wim Hof and I seriously think that he can help Martina. Watch VICE documentary about him or testimonials on his youtube channel.
        Just give it a try.
        Moderator don’t you dare to block this comment) Please, don’t or at least inform Simon and Martina about this information.

        Hey, fans. Help me make Simon and Martina know about it. I hope it will help them.

        2 months ago
  15. Hi! I have not had time to watch the video yet, but I saw the title and read the blog post and my first reaction is the same.
    Hi. I love you. I support you. I also have some really shitty neurochemical imbalances that sometimes knock me silly and make everything terrible even when it is objectively not actually that bad? But I am so so glad you have added extra rungs to your ladder and have awesome friends family and other support systems to hold you up. Your videos have made me laugh on bad days. I met you in Seoul at your coffee shop and again in New York at a meetup and your presence in my life has been an entirely positive one. (Also you inspired me to actually visit Korea and Jeju is still the most beautiful place I have ever been.)
    So hello. I love you, I support you, and if you ever have a bad brain day and need to read that again and again please do.

    Also I call me chronic depression my neurochemical imbalance because that is what it is. My brain does not process Serotonin correctly. It is not something wrong with me as a person. It is an illness that I have to deal with. Almost every genetically female person I am related to has the SAME THING from about puberty until their mid 40s. (Only 10 years to go yay me!) And now we have medicine to correct the issue and we are able to talk about it in public and say – wait, shit, this is GENETIC. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME AS A PERSON. OR YOU AS A PERSON.

    So again. I love you. I support you. You do what you need to do to deal with whatever your brain chemistry is throwing at you today. You got this.

    4 months ago
  16. Wow.
    I don’t have anything deep or inspiring to say — just want to throw one more rope into the pit, and offer one more rung for your ladder, in case you ever need to come back to these comments for some Nasty support. :) Your videos have made me smile in some of my lowest moments, and I’m so grateful that you and Simon have shared so much of your light with us despite your struggles with darkness. God bless! *Hugs*

    4 months ago
  17. You two helped me get through a dark time in my life. This fall was my first semester at college. Being away from my home and partner and having anxiety/depression really got to me and I began to isolate myself from everyone. I only left my dorm to go to class. I was starving myself cause I was too scared to go to the campus cafeteria. I lost 30 lbs in 2 months. So I decided I needed to start eating again but I was no longer hungry. This seems stupid but I would go get Chinese take out and watch your FAPFAPs once a day so I wouldn’t have to eat alone. And now I eat at least 2 meals a day and my anxiety is back under control. Thank you for helping me and saving my life. Love you guys!!! You both are so strong, especially you, Martina, you always beat the odds and walk to your own beat of the drum. You are amazing and so inspiring. Keep being you. <3

    4 months ago
  18. Thank you so much for sharing *hug* As a chronically ill person myself, I’ve found your channel to be a positive influence in my life. Knowing what challenges you face, and proving just what is possible despite the pain and setbacks, has been encouraging me to not give up and keep fighting for a life I’ll enjoy. You helped me not feel ashamed of using assistive tools, and seeing Simon’s support, patience, and understanding made me see I didn’t have to settle for anyone not willing to step up to the plate and help me laugh while facing daily life.

    You and Simon both are incredible people, and I’m so grateful you have been sharing your lives with us. You guys gave me hope and courage during even the darkest of my days. ❤️️

    4 months ago
  19. When I was younger, I attemepted suicide a few times.

    I was bullied-no, that’s not the right word. I was harrassed. And I didn’t want to deal with the thoughts or the pain. Even when I went to therapists and would start to feel better, I still had depressing and suicidal thoughts. I would assure everyone who didn’t understand that it didn’t mean that I wanted to kill myself (namely my family; if I told them just a little bit about it, they would have been forced to send me to a psych hospital. My dad once freaked out and now I don’t tell him about any of it. It’s a long story that I may or may not write about in the future.). I did get better with the right medications (I took three types for OCD, Chronic Depression, and a vitamin defecency) up until my inusrance ran out. For those who are born after the ACA was implemented in the States, children were only covered up until you were no longer a student or you went and got your own. So I had to learn to cope with everything on my own.

    There are still days where I break down and bawl my eyes out. I try to keep myself as busy as possible, but I still have triggers that set me off. But I take it and run with it. My sense of humor has become morbid and I joke about the darker side of humanity. I knit, spin yarn, do roller derby, dance, read fanfiction, take photos of my dog wearing tee shirts, and sing opera (My interests are pretty varied. Go figure.) to keep myself from taking that turn.

    Let me reiterate, though. Just like Martina said, chronic depression and any other illness (mental or chronic to be specific) is a constant. But never be ashamed when you need a pity party. I indulge in it from time to time. It helps.

    So, that’s my story. Yay?

    4 months ago
  20. Oh, Martina…LOTS OF LOVE and big, BIG, B I G HUGS !!! Thank you for sharing this.
    I’ve had very similar experience and resolution(s).
    I have RA (rheumatoid arthritis), which is a progressive, degenerative (joint)disease, that causes chronic joint pain, hormonal imbalances etc. Everything that you talked about…so many parallels, so many similar experiences… I know how you feel and I share your pain.
    It is wonderful and reassuring to know that you are fighting this and living your life to its fullest, and having a wonderful man by your side that will see you through it all. You’re a great guy Simon. And you should know that. I have the greatest admiration for you guys and I wish you both all the best!!! <3 <3 <3

    4 months ago
  21. Hi Martina,

    I’ve been a silent but adoring Nasty since you guise started but never commented, I suppose because I was shy. But with this brave, brilliant video, I wanted to reaffirm how deeply I love you and the work you do. The world you open to us is like a portal that radiates happiness and joy with crotch-thrusts thrown in. For those of us who love Asian culture it’s an amazing resource that gives us excitement for adventures to come, but more importantly your videos create a glow that makes us feel capable and happy in the moment. Even if we don’t ever get to Japan or Korea we feel the happiness of being transported there with you.

    I think for me, just your aesthetic is uplifting, so colorful and cute and funny. I immediately feel better when I tune in to you, and I can remember feeling that way when I was fourteen as much as now at twenty-three. I think what makes EatYourKimchi/Sushi shine is the warmth and safety you give to us that creates a powerful sense of grateful love in your viewers. We may not know you personally, but your personalities and creativity have been restorative to us.

    That’s why, sweet, delightful, funniest of chicks, I can’t help but want to punch your EDS in the cojones when I hear of how much utterly unfair pain you’ve been dealt. I’m just cut to the quick to hear about what you’ve endured. But I’m up to the brim with admiration for you. I think sensitive and intelligent people feel the darkness more keenly than others, and in this respect you’ve been saddled with a Sasquatch-sized turdalicious burden that emphasizes the shade far too often. And you own it miraculously. I have even more respect for your humor and your fierce commitment to life after hearing about your struggles. They were already spectacular before I knew of your past, now I think your attributes are magical.

    I struggle with mental illness too and understand the power and vindication that comes with recreating a life you want to live, more meaningful than it was before. You’re just divine, woman. For real. And you always look sparkly and fun. Thank you for taking care of me via the interwebnet for so many years with your awesome partner Simon, who is the Meem’s pajamas. I think your mantra is excellent and I continue to think about it these days.

    Take loads of good care of yourself, eat all de foods and snuggle lots. I have cried and internet-hugged you a few times over at this point so please accept a few more giant love squeezes. You kick butt! You have ovaries! (As opposed to having balls I guess). You the nastiest.

    Emi

    4 months ago
  22. Lots of love from here <3 I'm personally very blunt about my darkest times, a little bit too blunt as it takes some people aback seeing as normally I'm a pretty happy bubbly person (if not a bit cynical at times)
    Being able to talk about it is hard, you're very brave and you've also helped a lot of other people by being such a positive influence, but we're here for the good times and the bad. You're like that older supportive sister for so many of us here <3

    4 months ago
  23. Thank you for this video. I know it must have been hard putting out this side of you. I’ve been in that dark pit too. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, because I hated myself. I don’t have any chronic issues(except insomnia, which can kinda?(sleeping pills) be fixed), so that just made me feel worse. I felt like I was worthless. I still do. This video gave me strength to keep going. I will try to build ladders out of my pit because you’re right. If I am okay with disappearing, I might as well do everything I want to do before I disappear. Thank you again for sharing this. It helped. At least for me. I feel like I can get of out this pit now. #buildladders

    4 months ago
  24. This was actually an amazing way to start my day. I feel like the skies just got more blue. Thank you so much for being you.
    I don’t have any serious illness or anything; I just suffer from mild depression. I don’t know what else to call it. It keeps me feeling down a lot, and I’ve never been sure of how to deal with it, especially since I’m an extreme introvert who has serious people anxiety. I get so nervous just making a phone call, going out to the store makes me shake, and I need a lot of alone time to feel ok again. My family has never understood, and so I never felt supported. Heck, I never felt ok to share this as my family doesn’t believe these things are real; they’re just emotions that will go away. News flash, I’m 28 and they’re still here. I haven’t changed.
    At one point in my life, I was taking meds that made my depression worse. I cried all the time, I hated myself so much, I thought about killing myself all the time. The thoughts were so real. I knew where Dad kept the gun. The only way I made it out of that was reminding myself that it was just the meds. Once I was done taking them I would go back to normal. That doesn’t work the rest of my life, where I’m not taking meds anymore. I don’t know what to tell myself now. But this video has given me another viewpoint. One I needed.
    It’s different than just reading something from someone you don’t really know online. That’s like, “Oh hey, cool for you. Whatever.” But this… I’ve never met you, but I’ve followed you guys for about 7 years or so. I feel like I know you enough that I wouldn’t shake if I got to meet you. I would smile and be excited. So this really clicked, more than anything else I’ve ever read or watched. Thank you.
    I’ve struggled with my weight the last few years because my depression has gotten worse. I have no one who really understands, no one to talk to. My best friend isn’t helpful. My husband doesn’t know what to do, even when I tell him what would help. This video was so helpful, though.
    Martina, I cried with you. When your voice got all sad, I cried. When Simon came and hugged you, I cried. My heart feels so full right now. This wasn’t a pity party. This was a life party. You are helping so many people, and it’s just so wonderful.
    I know it’s been said many times already, but just know that us Nasties love you and want you to take care of yourselves.
    Sorry this was so long and all over the place. I’m all jumbled inside now. Tl;dr- thank you.

    4 months ago
  25. It really breaks my heart to see you cry like that on camera, I started crying immediately. But at the same time, I’m happy to see you open up about it and find the strenght to talk about such a difficult topic. I’m proud of you Martina, I’m happy to learn that all those things that might seem silly like dying your hair pink and having wolverine, meemers, spugdy, a cupcake, and a rainbow tatooed on your arm, have actually a really important meaning to you! I love you so much! You have no idea how many times you’ve helped me feel better when I was having the worst days in my life. I’ve always been depressed, but I started becoming happier and more positive after discovering your channel 6 years ago… I started using your advices on how to become more grateful, more positive, and to never take anything for granted. Simon and you became my role models. I learned so many things from you guys. Thank you for all the times you’ve made me feel better, for helping me become who I am today, and for making me want to live without regrets ^^ There are some days where everything is fine, but then there are others where we feel like we’ve fallen back into depression and that we can never be able to escape from it… But we gotta stay strong and wait for better and happier days… I wish all the best. Stay strong~

    4 months ago
  26. As all the nasties electronic devices are now broken because of people trying to jump in and give you a gigantic group hug! Martina FIGHTING!

    4 months ago
  27. Thank you for giving an excellent voice to what life is like with EDS. Never stop doing all the things and going on all the adventure. As someone who has EDS/Stickler Syndrome and Factor 2 listening to everyone tell me what not to do didn’t leave me with many options so I decided to listen to my own body. I went on a 3 month road trip while I still could and continue to try and do all the things and like you accept that it’s going to hurt like hell the next day.
    No, it doesn’t get better (I am 42) but you can get every good moment out of it if you try. The moments only get sweeter. Keep buying the ticket and taking the ride!

    4 months ago
  28. i cried so much specially towards the end~ simon is the bessstttt !! thank you for sharing these to us T^T too much emotions i can’t T^T why do i feel like i feel you!?!? XD my depressed moments are probably nothing compared to martina’s and most people but, when i do, your videos are such great help! realizing that even the little things that we do can do so much <3

    4 months ago
  29. I managed to hold it together through the Martina tears and the hard time stories…then Simon walks in and the look on his face… Now I’m sitting at my desk at work trying to hold a well of tears in my eyes. T_T

    This is an extremely inspiring video. I’m lucky enough not to have chronic depression or a chronic pain/illness but like everyone in the world, I have those really down times that try to tear me apart.

    When I first went away to college ( I went to an out of state school) I had a really hard time and felt really alone and deserted and I went to that dark place. I don’t struggle as much with those feelings but I do still get really down when life is hard. I like Martina’s mantra – if you’re going to end it all why not do everything you want? I k now that it’s evolved to be more positive but the thought is still powerful and I think I can use it in my life. Also this: “I need to see my depression as a chemical reaction, not as a byproduct of my life” – powerful words. Seriously.

    This is kind of all over the place….but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this with us. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to share this with so many people and I appreciate that you think so highly of us to give us a look into your life.

    And to anyone out there who is struggling with anything – #buildaladder. One rung at a time.

    4 months ago
  30. I figured my second comment would be easier to find on the blog post so here it is. My friend, who has a loving husband that I had the honor to meet/work with, has EDS. She has a job putting up signs with him as their everyday job. What makes me proud of being her friend, while learning about the condition, is knowing that despite all the pain she had a baby.(Note this isn’t meant to be a “don’t be sad look at what others deal with kind of comment) Keep dancing, eating, climbing, surfing, writing, exercising, and doing whatever makes you happy because If she can do that and still be a boss a** b***h I know you can too Martina :)

    4 months ago
  31. thank you for this video. i don’t know that i can adequately explain how much i appreciated this.
    so much so that i actually (finally ha) made an account on here just to say it. im incredibly asocial and talking about stuff like this is always hard.
    i’ve suffered from chronic depression for a long time, still do. as much as i feel i cant say here, i will say that everyday forward is still a struggle. but each day i make it through, each morning i wake up and continue on, even if its just to do something silly and small is a milestone for me. i have a lot of work to do to pull myself out of the grave i’ve dug myself into, but seeing things like this remind me that it is possible

    i don’t have a story of triumph, of fighting against the odds, of making it through. because i am still pulling myself through the thick of it, this mess that is my life. but i am still fighting and that has to mean something. so even though this video did make me sad, it also gave me so much hope. and for that i thank you, martina. from the bottom of my heart. (and simon too, for supporting you!)
    back into the lurk shadows i go. <33

    4 months ago
  32. Dear Simon and Martina, I felt that your release dates were spacious in between and I figured Martina wasn’t feeling well. I’ve known you since 2010, watched every video, sang along to every rap Aegyozilla made, and even though I know what’s going on behind the scenes, it was the first time I watch you cry. It was humbling and I’m happy you decide to share that part of you with us. I’m sure everyone here will say that you’ve made a difference in their lives, you probably read that once too many times, but whenever I experience something for the first time, eating Galbitang or order a Korean Street noms, I would say “Oh! That time, Simon and Martina recommended this!” as if you’re there to experience it with me. So you might not know all of us behind the screens, but you’re present in so much of our lives and so much of our experiences. I speak in “we” because I know I’m not the only one. We nasties love you. <3

    4 months ago
  33. Hi Martina. I would like to start of with saying thank you so much for making this video, even though it was hard for you. I have been following you guys since 2012 and I have also met you on different occasions and you are both the loveliest people. I have been dealing with depression since I was around 8 years old (I am now 20) and the ‘1 negative 2 positives’ method you guys talked about a couple of years ago really helped me change the way I look at life. I am living in Korea now, alone for the first time, and going to sleep is a big challenge because of my anxiety and depression so I started listening to your podcasts at night and it calms me down. I love and adore you both so much and hearing you talk about your depression breaks my heart but it also makes me so happy that you have a husband who would walk through fire for you and vice versa. You are so strong and inspirational for getting through this the way you have.

    4 months ago
  34. Love you, too. So much! You’ve brought me so much happiness and made me smile with every video you guys have made. Thank you for sticking through everything to be here today with us. You are our irreplaceable magical unicorn and we’ll always be here to give you our love and hugs. <3

    4 months ago
  35. I know this was a hard video to do, but i really can not thank you enough <3 SUPER INTERNET HUG!

    4 months ago
  36. When you reached out to us for a hug, I hope you felt all the hugs from everyone watching & me giving you a hug right back. ~~~~~~~~
    Three quick things: 1.) As hard as it was to talk about, I really appreciated you talking about it & explaining the Martina way of looking at the evil-self-talk & how to give it the finger. It really clicked with me & I really, really needed someone to reach me the way that you did so that I can start fighting back, too. 2.) THANK WHATEVER POWERS THAT GOVERN GOODNESS IN THE UNIVERSE THAT YOU DIDN’T SUCCEED BACK THEN AT YOUR ATTEMPT. Both you & Simon are my Everyday Heroes because your videos =all of them, no matter how many times I’ve seen them= bring light to my life by just being yourselves & clearly loving each other & what you do. Thank you both & thank you, Simon, for being such a strong Dothraki Man Warrior & working out so that you can toss Martina over your shoulder, like a Man ^_^. You touch so many lives with each word you blog & blog as a Positive force in the Netverse & IRL. 3.) You know, that unfortunately, there are numerous idle, ignorant, vindictive & downright evil people who love exploiting “weakness” & pounce on anyone that they think they can shame or tear down. Please, please, please, please, please don’t listen to anything negatively said to you guise, whether it’s disguised as “constructive criticism” or is just openly & clearly an attack. There are more people who support you both that never write & maybe will never write a single word to you guise in any form: but they feel the same way I do. Idk you irl, but I sincerely love you both because of how you make me feel.
    ~~~~~~~~~
    Martina, I negatively self-talk myself every time I get dressed to go anywhere. I used to be much slimmer/sexier but Life happened & I can’t help comparing the Then me vs. Now me. I also lost my house in the market crash/Bubble Burst & was laid-off on top of that. I’ve yet to recover my confidence & I’ve lost the strong, positive person that I used to be. It’s been seven years & I have a emotionally debilitating fear of failure. I haven’t worked since. I know that I can try things & I know that I can actually do things, but my fears are so strong they turn everything around in my head until I’ve reasoned I’ll fail anyway & disappoint my husband, family & friends so that I won’t even try. It’s stupid; I know it’s stupid… But I can’t get past it. My stomach clenches, I actually get vertigo & nauseous if I think about it too hard that the only way I even talk myself into getting out of the house is by habitually waiting until the last minute to start getting ready & just rushing out of the house as quickly as I can so that I don’t have time to really worry myself sick. I’m a bit of a nervous ball of energy when I do get wherever it is I had to go, but at least I’m there. What you’ve said made me really evaluate what I’m doing & I’m going to try to put it to work for me. You did really make something in me “sit up & say, ‘Hey, that really makes sense'”, where so many other people & even friends have talked at me or talked down to me & have even asked, “what’s wrong with you?” & made things worse because it made me feel worse. Something in my brain **heard** you & I felt something click. I’m going to try & nurture it to fight my weak self & challenge my positive self to do better. I get you saying that you may never fight your depression down completely– I think that I was thinking that it’s something that I can “get over” but I get it now that it’s going to be there lurking just out of sight no matter what I day/week/year it is, so I just need to work with it & stop thinking it’ll just go away. Acknowledging that, I think, has changed something. I cried with you, so please don’t feel ashamed. I wish I could find cute bear clothes to wear & my hair’s too fine to take dye without breaking :(. Don’t worry about the vids in length or frequency: I’ll love you guise forever for how you’ve made my life more bearable & for all the laughs & tears along the way. Thank you.

    4 months ago
  37. Hi Martina,

    First of all I would like to say you’re awesome and inspiring and brave and amazing.
    I suffered a lot the past year getting over a relationship. Tried my best to be the best girl for him and lost myself along the way. Cried and begged and all kinds of embarrassing things. I stopped functioning as a normal human, quit my job, stayed home all day and my health was getting from bad to worse. But when I realize I might have been cheated on all along, I just tell myself I’m gonna be the queen of my life! I won’t allow someone to have such control over my emotions. I threw away everything, blocked him everywhere and start to talk to more people and know more people.
    Although I can’t say I have fully recovered but watching your videos really cheers me up and make me think there’s still so many things I wanna do.
    It will take some time for me to love again but I’ll keep moving forward!
    Thank you for sharing! You’re my inspiration!

    4 months ago
  38. Love you too, Martina. *hugs

    4 months ago
  39. A long response, but this is an important topic.

    Depression is much more common than people realize. I have it too and from experience I can say that the prescription drugs don’t do much against depression, not even the SSRIs. I concluded there’s no cure, oh well I won the bad lottery. For years I dealt with grief which would come as what I called “waves of sorrow” where I had to stop what I was doing and perhaps sit for a while, waiting for the wave to pass. Then I would get up and continue doing whatever I was doing (washing dishes, etc.) When it happens while driving I would just keep driving and focus on the sensation of holding the steering wheel, pay attention to what’s going on, etc. My doctor couldn’t help. Sometimes (in men mostly perhaps?) depression gets diagnosed as OCD when in fact it’s because we are anchored in a traumatic event that cannot be resolved. “Mindfulness” is the latest fad in treating depression, might work for some people, didn’t work for me (though self-remembering and self-observation while conscious is a good thing to do regardless). One side effect is sleepiness. I learned to live day-to-day, take the good with the bad, there are moments where I feel happy and content enough that I’m actually doing pretty well. Focusing on doing things for others not myself, remembering what’s truly important, asking myself “When I’m old and I look back on my life, what will my footprints in the beach sand say about how I lived my life?” Looking after (truly) lazy cats helps too (have you ever asked your cat what he/she achieved today? What are it’s goals?, LOL. Ask yourself: Why do we need to feel we are achieving things when cats couldn’t care less and they’re doing fine “oh and where’s my food? Yawn.”). Finding irony in life; when you pay attention to how life is set up, it’s ridiculous really. Some situations are so ridiculous or unimaginable that we just burst out laughing at the silliness of it all.

    One thing mindfulness DOES teach us pretty fast: Ideas come and go in our heads, like floaters. Most people don’t realize this and just act them out. Same with emotions, the body produces emotions and they do put wind in our sail but we’re not actually those emotions. Emotions are from the body, very local, and quite stupid actually: One moment you’re sad, then you find out you there is ice cream left you’re all happy, then you’re distracted by something else. The ice cream was there all along, emotions do not reflect reality in an objective way. As for aches and pains, I always say I got the Skoda model while others seem to have a Chevy Tahoe or a Ferrari. Again, not our choice is it. If you’re in a park, listen to the wind. Horrible things do happen but nature doesn’t judge, it just is. More often than not it’s stunningly beautiful, pleasant and calm.

    Keep going Martina, your work is enriching other people’s lives, looks like Simon cares about you a lot (though I don’t know what to say about that beard…), live your life as best you can and do take time to take care of yourself, do things you want to do. It’s how you act in life that really matters, much more than what the world does to you. It’s all about how you take care of yourself (best effort), how influence the world and the tracks you leave behind. Just ask Simon if what life does to you matters more than who you are. It’s pretty obvious that what life does to people isn’t what really matters.

    4 months ago
  40. Made this account to say I totally understand the “going to do it anyways even if it hurts more” mentality. After 3 knee surgeries (and still having crazy problems) I should basically not do any of the things I do for fun (also Dr directed). If I go to a concert and just stand still for 3 hours I can barely walk the next day (I have a knee sleeve that helps quite a bit, but it doesn’t stop the pain, just the dislocating.) People at work can usually tell when I played soccer over the weekend because I can barely walk, but I’ve never been more depressed than the times where I let it keep me from doing the things that I like to do.

    Taking my first trip to Japan and Korea this year. Going to do a lot of walking. It’s going to suck/be amazing.

    4 months ago