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An Open Talk About My Depression

February 8, 2017

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Are you prepared for a really emotional video? Cause wow…this was a hard video for me to film.

I was really hesitant about sharing this with everyone because I didn’t want the end product of this video to be sadness. I didn’t want to share my feelings with you all and for you to leave the computer feeling sad. Simon and I have been talking about sharing this video with you all for a long time, and I think I finally felt comfortable sharing it when I was able to get a grasp on how it is that I deal with my depression. I didn’t want to just tell you all “hey I suffer from chronic depression.” I wanted to talk about it once I had the words to explain how I handle it.

We talked about it a lot, which I think is really important because you can often be caught inside your own head and not fully understand what you’re feeling. And that’s challenging, because depression is really isolating, even if you’re in a room full of people. If you stay inside your own head, you start to believe the things you tell yourself, as if they are facts. Without being checked by the outside world, you can fall even deeper into your own negative thoughts.

Those days that I was my lowest, I kept thinking something must be wrong with my life for me to feel this way. But the more I dug into it, the more I realized that I don’t really have anything to complain about in my life. I am the happiest I have ever been, personally and professionally, but my body and my pain is the worst its ever been. Even though I am mentally in a happy place, my body is sending out distress signals due to the constant pain, and that distress is wrecking havoc on me mentally. But it wasn’t always so obvious. I had to break down and scrutinize every aspect of my life to see if something was wrong. I looked at my job. Was I happy as a YouTuber? Yup. Totally. It’s the most fulfilling job I can think of. I actually think it might be the most fulfilling job in the world, if you have a kind audience (like we fortunately do). I looked at my husband. Is Simon doing something wrong? Am I upset with him? Nope. He’s fantastic and supportive and my best friend. Am I angry at my friends? Family? Pets? Co-Workers?…the list went on and not matter how much I searched for “issues” with my life, I found that I didn’t have any. This long hard look at my own life and what I perceived as bringing happiness or sadness gave me a feeling of both relief and dread. I realized that the outside sources in my life were not the problem. It was a problem I was dealing with in my own head. Even though I am currently living my dream life, living in Japan which is something I wanted since I was a child, and I’m living a great life here, depression doesn’t care what state I’m in, and has come along for the ride.

It isn’t something I can fix with money or lifestyle changes. And I think this is a really important point because a lot of people think that if they were millionaires that could have all the cars, houses, food, girls, guys, clothing, jewelry, and vacations in the world they would be totally happy. But that is just not the truth. I have a favourite quote from Jim Carrey who said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” Since I have come to that same conclusion, I realize that I need to see my depression as a chemical reaction, not as a byproduct of my life. It can feel impossible to fight against an emotional feeling, but you can do it. It is not impossible. You acknowledge that what you are saying is mean and untrue. You are whispering negative things to yourself, but you are strong enough to see those negative things and acknowledge them as wrong. It is the same as when someone looks into the mirror and calls themselves fat and ugly. The more you call yourself these negative things, the more you truly believe it. By stopping this cycle of negative thought, you stop adding fuel to the negative fire.

I still have days where I feel totally despondent and sad, but now I know that they are coming. Now I see these days are a write-off where I have to just take a bath, watch a show, or check out mentally. When I was younger, these days blindsided me. I felt overhwmelend and alone with emotions. I let them wash me down a river of negative thoughts. I believed all the negative thoughts I was having, and I would act on them. And…I tried to kill myself because of it.

That was really hard for me to say. It’s a deep dark secret that has embarrassed me and stayed with my for many years. I didn’t talk about it in my Draw My Life video. I wasn’t comfortable enough with it yet. I feel embarrassed about it now because it’s not a decision I would ever make again. It was a selfish decision that would have hurt my friends and family, and it’s embarrassing to say out loud because I feel like it was such a fucking stupid thing that I did. But I also know that it’s a real state of mind that people feel, a real question that they ask themselves. I’m glad that I was able to get myself out of that state of mind, out of the bottom of the pit. I’m more in control now, but it’ll always be there to remind me of where I could go if I don’t keep control of myself.

The amount of rungs I’ve added to my ladder makes it a lot harder for me to get down that low again. Back then, I didn’t have anything going for me. I was despondent. And all I saw was pain. Now I realize that these emotions and feelings must be contained and dealt with. I squash them down and deal with them all into one or two days, and do my best to not let it spread. In high school and university the feeling would span across days and weeks until I was an exhausted and sad lump of Martina. Now I don’t let it get passed two days. I think that is a huge difference and I hope once day to squash it down to one day. Hopefully I can get to the point one day where I can get it down to just a few hours.

I hope that my honesty in this video didn’t make you feel to upset. I think that we are all human and all deal with different difficulties, and I know that my difficulty is not the same as yours. But what I hope is that in sharing this video, we can all open up and share other ways in which we deal with our lowest days. Or if it’s too personal for you to share, and you don’t feel comfortable (because I wasn’t comfortable for years, and I still feel scared talking about it), I hope at least you can see with my example that, even though I have chronic depression, and I will never be able to fully get rid of it, I’m learning how to live with it and manage it. I hope that you can do so as well. I love you guise.

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An Open Talk About My Depression

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  1. Hi, Martina!~~~ Miss ya!~ I appreciate you having the courage to share something as personal as this. I went through something similar. I might still be going through it, lol. I thought that it was the fault of someone else, but instead it was my fault for feelings depressed due to misunderstanding(s). In high school years, I got to thinking how I can get myself out of it. I did a combo attack on the depression. The combo attack consisted of God and changing dark colors to bright colors. Later on, I added the skill to color. Unknowingly, it ended up being therapeutic, hahaha. It helped to have a close high school friend to point out what I had. She was someone that was looking outside the box. It was hard for me to admit or swallow, but I got through it because the major ammo for me was my relationship with God.
    I am so happy that there are many avenues to deleting/destroying/eradicate/wipe out such an issue that with some stops life to some degree or almost.
    It is cool once the individual begins the journey towards pulverizing negative thoughts/emotions. It is something, to me, to celebrate each time someone overcomes those difficulties in life and something so lovable to see that we are not alone in the battle. Thank you so very much for sharing with us all!~
    Keep up the good work!~
    Everything is going to be alright!~ (That’s my motto).

    6 months ago
  2. Thanks for sharing your journey Martina. You’ve certainly helped a lot of people (myself included). I’ve had a lot of darker days lately after the unexpected death of my father but I’m just remembering how hard I worked to get out of that dark pit, I never want to go back down there.

    It’s awful that you are going through this but I’m so glad you have Simon. I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for my partner helping me.

    I went to Japan because of you, through your videos you inspired me ❤️

    Thank you for sharing your life with us and for being you.

    6 months ago
  3. You are an amazing inspiration to me. Don’t be embarrassed! Everyone cries and needs a should every now and again. Seeing someone I admire experience real things just makes me realize that maybe I can make it too. Never give up! Never surrender!

    6 months ago
  4. Your admission of depression struck a chord that has been consitantly playing throughout my own life. After 25 years of rage and overcompensating aggression I finally arrived at a place where I came face to face with my own pervasive and utter despondency. The result was the beginning of a very long and honest conversation with myself about how I was living my life and why I had made and why I was currently making certain decisions. Certainly there were multiple medical issues and family problems that exaccerbated the pain I felt, but it was toxic beliefs about life that I harbored which were poisoning and hardening my soul. I realized that the black whirlpool of sorrow and anguish were largely of my own manufacture and at that point I decided to change my nature. Now for those who have really dedicated thier lives to changing thier own destructive natures to that of light know that this is not a pretty process to undergo. Change of this variety is ungainly, painful and ugly -both for those undergoing the process and for those who are watching. It is also courageous. A person who uses thier afflictions as motivation to overcome the baser parts of themselves is inspiring to say the least when most others would prefer to succumb to that which they refuse to accept.

    I am grateful for the fact that both Simon and Martina have chosen to share not only this video, but a slice of thier life in an effort to help all those who have fallen to stand again. It is my sincere hope that both of you know that you are not alone and that which you do matters and helps so many in ways that you cannot imagine. If it weren’t for your channel I would not be currently learning Japanese and would not have planned a trip to Japan to celebrate my next birthday in November!

    Take Heart,
    Wayward Smile.

    6 months ago
  5. Hey Sweet Beautiful Martina, keep climbing, keep adventuring, keep your chin up – I’ll be right over here in Chicagoland supporting you all the way! Remember how fat I was at the EYK meet up in Chicago? Well, I’m skinnier now (40 pounds lighter) and I’m still supporting my crazy daughter Emily – she’s into anime now, and won’t watch K-Drama with me but I still love her – and I still love you and Simon! Big internet hugs to both of you, from Leann (the slightly less big but none the less still supportive Nasty volunteer)

    6 months ago
  6. Holy [baa], Martina. I don’t even know what to say. Thank you for making this video, even though it was hard to do. We Nasties love you, both of you (all of you? including Spudge and Meems). I suffer from chronic depression and an eating disorder. I know I personally have spent a lot of my down days bingeing your videos when it was just too hard to do anything else. My family and I are going through a hard time right now and this message means so much to me. I’ve seen a lot of YouTubers talk about their depression, but none of those videos ever made me cry like this one did. I’m going to try my hardest to take a page from your book (a rung from your ladder?) and try as hard as I can to make my life a little better every day, instead of waiting for something to magically change on its own. #buildaladder

    6 months ago
  7. ✦tl;dr✦
    Hi Martina! YOU ARE AN AMAZING, STRONG, CARING, OPEN-MINDED, LOVELY HUMAN BEING. I’ve looked up to you from when I first started watching, and the admiration only grew from there. I’m not very good at conveying all the feels I have for you, but I just wanted to send all the good vibes and love to you, Simon, friends, and family.

    ✦✦✦✦✦✦

    Even before your tl;dr/informational videos about EDS and depression, I was still SO AMAZED by the way you live your life. Yes, social media is mainly a highlight reel; but you and Simon & co. planned SO MANY AMAZING fun things and events, and that in itself is a great feat.

    Your viewpoints on how you carry yourselves really helped shape my coming-of-age experiences and way of thinking. They always tell you to “be yourself!” in school, but it really does take a great role model for people to truly internalize that saying. Your explanation and thought process on liking “age-inappropriate” interests not only helped curb my negative judgement of others but also instilled in me confidence in expressing interests that may be a surprise to others (afterall, real adults have the confidence to like “childish” things).

    Martina, I’m so thankful to have watched you and everyone on this channel and its growth for the past 7 years. I honestly feel that this channel makes the world a better place (if it was able to make a jackass like me a nicer person, think about all the other people you all positively touched!). Like your other similar videos, I felt that you succeeded in making this video focus on how you overcome some of the obstacles EDS/depression or your strategies, and not the condition or sadness.

    To Simon, thank you for all your hard work on this channel and being part of the dynamic duo that is you and Martina! Keep on bulking up. I admire you as equally as I do Martina, but this message focused on her, sozzzz.
    To Martina’s extended friends, family, co-workers, thank you all for adding to the enriching experiences that Martina & co. set out to do.

    Best wishes,
    Alison

    6 months ago
  8. I have never been depressed but so different and sometimes little things can throw us off our ladder… Without first realizing it, I was in a pretty bad place when I still studied engineering (2 years ago). Normally I’m quite a happy and composed person and my life has always been.. well, comfortable/stable. I noticed something had to change when one day I was just cooking, saw some undone dishes, felt little bit uneasy and the next thing I know was me sitting on the kitchen floor crying my eyes out.
    My boyfriend always sees right through me so when he came home he made me talk my heart out (as always), even though I tried to pretend that everything was fine (with my red eyes and running nose…). And that wasn’t one time only! I was so unhappy with what I studied atm and because of trying to change that, more stressors came into my life. Well, all worked out in the end and I accidentally found my dream job which I’m studying right now.

    BUT here’s my current stressing situation:
    For the past 6 years I have wanted to carry out some of my studies in Korea (as an exchange student). First I needed to find better field of study. Done. Found out my new field of study didn’t have an exchange programs with Korea, so I had to find an alternative way. Done. Then I find out that my destination school had cut out all the English courses I was going to take, just for the upcoming semester. No Korea. My only option for exchange is to find another place to go, even though every other place feels irrelevant. But I though “hey, Simon and Martina say it’s all about attitude and they would have had many miserable experiences, but only if they chose to see them that way”. (You have no idea how often I tell myself this)
    So now I’m choosing to go somewhere else (maybe Austria), have a blast, make lots of memories and go visit Korea later with my boyfriend (btw he did his exchange period in Korea and we met in a student exchange info, DESTINY!) I’m already starting to get really excited about this!

    Wow this came out super long..
    Anyway, you have helped me to deal with bad days by enjoying little thing and encouraged to live in a moment. You are both amazing persons and I only hope I can experience as many adventures with my ducky as you two have together! ♥

    6 months ago
  9. I know that this comment might just get lost among all the other comments and you may never see/read this but I just want to say this: Martina, thank you!
    Thank you for sharing, for opening up to us. You said that this is yet another pity party that you’re throwing for yourself but to me, it doesn’t look like that. It’s a party that shows how strong you are. You overcame those negative thoughts and you pulled yourself up from that pit. You felt strong enough to share your story. And it’s ok that you cried on camera, don’t apologise for it. It just shows that you have been strong for a long time, not that you are weak. And if you throw another “pity party”, I will gladly sit down in front of my computer and be there for you.
    Martina, you have inspired me so much. A few years ago, I wouldn’t even consider dying my hair a crazy colour. But now I want to go ahead and dye my hair pink/purple/pastel. And when people tell me that I shouldn’t, I always think “But Martina has pink hair and she looks good”. Or when I’m hesitant about buying something cute, thinking that people will stare, I think “Martina buys cute things all the time and she doesn’t give a damn about what others think” and then I go ahead and buy that.
    I guess what I’m trying to say is that you, Simon and Martina, have showed me that it is ok to like something or do something that makes you happy. Thank you for your hard work!

    6 months ago
  10. I suffer from catatonic depression, almost every type of anxiety, ptsd, ocd, suicidal tendencies and a possible bipolar disorder for several years now.
    My shitty worsening physical health constantly affects my mental issues as well, when i’m in so much pain I don’t even bother getting out of bed at all for the entire day to eat or drink.
    When I was in highschool, my favorite teacher who knew about my condition told me to basically do what you were doing, she told me to write down small goals for myself, even the tiniest thing that seems insignificant, like getting another ear piercing, all of it.
    Eventually I listened to her, and I started writing things down, and I got more ear piercings, i’m sketching tattoos that I want to get, I started learning Japanese because I really want to live in Japan someday I planned that for years.
    I try my best, it’s true that we all have our downs, this morning I was actually weeping and screaming in my sister’s arms and wishing I was dead. But i’ve pulled through the day, I made an appointment to see my therapist tomorrow and then my friend came over and we listened to music together and made sushi and pizza and watched silly videos on youtube and laughed our lungs off.
    I couldn’t have had fun if I just gave up and went to bed for the whole day and kept feeling sorry for myself.
    I try to live out of spite, out of spite to my fears and my depression, I want to try and be happy and achieve my goals.
    I’m really sorry you’ve been so down that you’ve tried to take your life, i’m really glad you survived and i’m so happy you have your loving husband who understands and supports you, and don’t forget we nasties are here for you as well, don’t force yourself to make a video if you’re in too much pain, we understand and we can wait, your health comes first ♥

    6 months ago
  11. Thank you. That took a LOT of courage and I thank you for doing it. I hadn’t realized when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis at the age of 29 that depression was something at nearly always goes hand in hand with chonic pain. Small Pity parties are okay now and again…it is the pity orgies you have to watch out for! Those…wowser, those can get outta control! Again thank you for showing us your whole person, not just the sanitized, rated happy-go-lucky side! And Simon, you are a GOOD man, who I consider a role model for boys/young men. THank you both.

    #buildaladder Hell yeah.

    6 months ago
  12. You are amazing for sharing such a personal story.Thank You.

    6 months ago
  13. I feel you pain, Martina, and admire your strength.

    6 months ago
  14. Thank you for uploading this video and talking about it to us. I am here in India staying up late as usual contemplating every little thing in my life. I cry myself to sleep every night hoping that I will wake up happy and not cry anymore but that’s never helped. I feel like I have let my parents down and I don’t know if I have real friends.. I meet this bunch every Saturday but all we do is drink and talk about stuff don’t matter. Nobody knows about what’s going on and it scares me cause I talk to myself every time I wanna cheer myself up. I need to go out there and get some help, dont know if the help will understand but I will try. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone. You are absolutely lovely for doing this.

    6 months ago
    • You are not alone :) I’m also fighting for my mental health on my own. I know how hard it is to talk about it with people you care for. I try to make myself remember that they love me and they will help if I am ready to tell them. Stay strong you can do it!

      6 months ago
  15. Thank you for making this video and sharing what struggles you have. Last year, I had episodes of complete anxiety and depression. Normally, they last a day. However, recent episodes are lasting longer. Lately, I’ve been quite depressed from searching for work. I know it sounds something minor, but the last 3 months of being unemployed have gotten to me, especially last month. When people keep telling me that “I’ll find work soon enough”, part of me just wants to scream in anger and sadness. I was angry and sad that I still can’t find work and have beaten my confidence down. Fresh out of school, and considered “inexperienced” to work in any company. It has not helped that I live with my parents and they continue to pressure me to work for government or that “your resume isn’t good enough”. Honestly, there are days where I just want to self harm myself. Lately I try to go out to the gym or out with my bf. I’m trying to avoid the desire to lock myself in my room as it would drag me down even darker.

    Now, I feel that I should be making ladder rungs. I am hoping that whenever I have these episodes, I’ll know that everything is ok, and that I should try to remember to remain positive and hopeful. Thank you for making this video. <3

    6 months ago
  16. I have had pretty bad depression for a long time and tried to end it all when I was 13. I also suffer from an anxiety disorder and have an emotional support animal who helps me tremendously during my panic attacks and waves of overwhelming depression. Watching your videos really help me by inspiring me to do more.

    6 months ago
  17. I cried a lot watching this video. Thank you so much for making this open letter.

    6 months ago
  18. I could write a novel but I’ll keep it short ’cause I’m having a bad pain week myself.
    Martina, you’re an amazing, beautiful person, and I want to send lots of love an encouragement as someone who’s been dealing with phobias for over 15 years and has just been diagnosed with physical stress and trauma (not sure about the actual clinic names *shrugs*)
    Big but soft virtual hugs to you and everyone else reading this message <3

    6 months ago
  19. I just wanted to say something to Simon. It must be so hard to know what is going on in Martina’s life and to know at the same time that sometimes there is just nothing that you can do and you just have to watch it happen. I’ve got so much respect for you, and I admire you being able to stay positive and supportive. I haven’t ever been depressed, so that’s hard for me to relate to, but a lot of people close to me have been suffering from depression and sometimes I found it really difficult to deal with the situation. Having to accept that you can’t help someone is a very difficult thing. So is watching them suffer. There have been times where I was so frustrated I really wanted to throw my own pity party, but felt too guilty to do so as I thought my difficulties didn’t really compare to theirs. So just wanted to let you know you’re amazing too!

    I really hope that you two have many amazing adventures to look forward to, and lots of love <3

    6 months ago
  20. Hey Martina (and Simon). I think it was amazing and brave of you to record this video. I’m lucky enough not to have chronic pain or depression, though I do have some anxiety issues that bother me. I am seeing a therapist every other week to work on that. This video really touched me, it was so personal and open and raw. I think the nasty community already had a pretty okay glimpse into your guys’ life, and now we know so much more. Kudos to Simon for working out hard so he can carry you around. Hope it’s not weird to say- but I love you both. Keep up the hard work.

    6 months ago
  21. Hi Martina and Simon, I want you to know that I think you guys are awesome! I’ve been watching your videos for years now and I have always been so impressed by your commitment to each other and to living lives that are filled with adventure and joy. I am 61 years old this April and I have my own limiting health issues. It has been a struggle for me for the last 25 years and there have been times when I have fantasied about ending it. I’ve heard those voices of derision and self loathing that tear down my inner me, and I’ve had to override and reject them for the sake of my family. I can only say that, knowing what I know about illness and the accompanying depression, that I couldn’t agree with your methods of dealing with them more. Squeeze as much delicious juice out of this life as you can! Make it a beautiful and glorious trip! You only have this moment and you can be gone the next. You just don’t know what life will hold for you, or how long it will be, so you have to grab it and run with it! Why walk in a pool, when you can surf in Hawaii? Love your life, love your husband, and make each day as beautiful as all of us see you. You are an inspiration and we love you! Be well, but beyond that, be happy! You deserve it! <3

    6 months ago
  22. Best. Video. Yet. Thank you so much Martina & Simon. As a fellow sufferer of an invisible disease with no cure, and depression and anxiety, I can’t express how much this means to me.

    For all of us Martinas who suffer and have planned our exits from this world, written letters to our families, and then climbed back out of that hell…never give up <3

    For all those Simons that care for us and love us unconditionally and tirelessly and always stay beside us..thank you always <3

    6 months ago
  23. Hi! I have been following you guys very shortly, but your video broke my heart a little and I simply had to leave a note..Some time ago I found out that my DNA is all messed up and that I have cancer and will keep having cancer. I was told to remove surgicaly everything that makes me a woman, never again in my life go on sun and live in fear of scan results every three months for the restof my life. From there it wasa slippery slope into misery. One day I was having a particularly amazing pity party for myself. And while lying in bed browsing YouTube I came across your video for Sushi Saito…what followed was an epic binge marathon and in rhe past month I watched anything and everything I could because your videos were making me incredibly happy. And the I learned about your EDS and suddenly I felt so stupid…giving up on friends because I was sad, living in fear and miserable, trying to change everything in my life because of my illness. What I want to say with this rambling is that sharing your adventures gave me happiness and after learning about your illness I relized that life does not end, that I will cope and do all the things I want to do. I wish I could send you all the positivity and strenght that I gained from you two back to support you! You are two of the most wonderful people and deserve all the happinessin life! Simona

    6 months ago
  24. Cis

    I already commented on the youtube video, but I wanted to come here and thank you again for sharing your story. Martina, you and Simon always make my day a little better, even if it’s a perfect day already. Like you, I also suffer from a chronic disease and periods of extreme sadness (my therapist actually withdrew the depression diagnosis, because my feelings were related to external stuff rather than internal stuff, so it does not feel fair to people with depression to call it this. My chronic illness is also really really manageable and nowhere near what you or some other are going through, so I feel blessed).
    What you told us about doing the things you want to do, it felt very comforting and stress relieving. It makes me take everything a little less serious and makes me a little less anxious about the small unimportant things and I remember that throughout your and Simon’s video’s, you both have always had that effect on me. Thank you so much for that.
    About staying at home/staying healthy at any cost: I too have found out that being happy is way more important for me than feeling as healthy and painless as possible all the time. You probably don’t have to hear from someone else what’s the best for you in this aspect, but as a student in the medical field, I feel like I should emphasize this. Depression is also a very disabling disease that needs treatment and I feel like all the highlights in your life are little treatments that make it a little better. But you know this already :)
    About pity parties: if you ever want to have one again, please invite the nasties. I’m sure all of us would be happy to be with you (and we all want to hug you <3). We can bring the music, pie and tissues ;)
    Don't worry about the amount of video's you put out. I'll be happy with any :) Please take care of yourself first when you need to.
    Martina and Simon, thank you for being an inspiration and making so much video's for us!

    6 months ago
  25. Martina,
    Yours and Simon’s honest and sincerity is something that has put a smile on my face so many times. I stumbled on your YouTube videos four years ago when I was struggling through a very dark time in my life. They made me laugh for the first time in a while, and I’ve kept watching because of just how special your relationship is and how much you remind me of the happy times in my life.

    I love that you call Simon Ducky, as that’s what my husband calls me (I call him Bunny), and your food adventures and midnight cooking has kept me company through many nights of frustrating insomnia and depression. I fought through a dark pit like you, and am very grateful for the support and love of people that helped me stay alive—even if at the time I was resentful of intervention.

    I had been meaning to write you the ol’ fashioned snail mail way and go see you on your last Nasty Tour in California, but life intervened and I gots two babies now that make traveling a bit difficult (although, they love your videos too, especially seeing Spudgey — “Boo Puppy” as they say).
    Thank you for being such genuinely good people. I’m sending you all my love and so much gratitude for your joy in life even through the darkness.

    Apologies for the sap :)

    6 months ago
  26. Dearest, dearest Martina. I am in awe of your strength and your emotional honesty. I am so glad that, although you still have struggles and bad days, you have found your “ladder” to keep you out of the pit. You and Simon make my life brighter every time you post a video, and I feel incredibly grateful for y’all everyday. May you continue to draw strength from your experiences and the love you share, and thanks for taking us along for the ride.

    6 months ago
  27. Thank you so much for opening up about this kind of stuff. It can be suuuper difficult to talk about mental health issues, especially when people don’t think you have them or think that your life is too perfect to ever struggle with mental illness. It’s an uphill battle, but it’s one worth fighting. As someone who lives with a personality disorder, I understand how frustrating having a chronic condition can be – realizing that it’ll never go away, no matter how much you want it to because recovery isn’t really an option is tough. I’ve been in that pit quite a few times since my diagnosis a few years ago and while I know a chronic mental condition is waaaay different from a physical one, I understand that pain. But thank you for sharing this – it’s made my day a little bit brighter knowing someone else who’s gone through things like I have has still found a happy life gives me a little more hope for the future! <3

    6 months ago
  28. Martina,
    Thank you so much for sharing this video. It sounds silly but I really look up to you. I admire that you had the courage to move away to Korea and now Japan. You started a career in teaching English and opened a coffee shop and now a successful Youtuber. You do so many crazy wonderful things, you wear the cutest things and do the cutest things with your hair. You’re so talented, and pretty, and bold, and funny.
    Sometimes I can get wrapped up in watching other people’s lives and getting sad for myself that I can’t do this or that, but I really tend to just watch people and forget that those I’m watching are real people who deal with real problems just like me. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, your video reminded me that everyone deals with unseen problems. But I also feel like I’m learning to deal with my depression and to hear the struggle you’ve gone through and how you’re combating it, it gives me hope that I’ll get there too. I’m so grateful that you shared this video. Thank you for showing that there is hope, thank you for being real, thank you for sharing your mindset, thank you for sharing your techniques, and thank you for still being here. And a shout-out to Simon: Thank you for being such a wonderful person and taking care of Martina. It makes me happy that she has someone with her that cares so deeply for her. You two are just wonderful and make me so happy. Once more, thank you so much for sharing <3 I hope your day is wonderful

    6 months ago
  29. Hello Martina!

    I’m so thankful and honored you made this video. I also live with chronic depression and it makes life so terribly hard sometimes. I sent you guys a letter last month detailing more of some of the why but most of it is a genetic chemical imbalance. Even just this week I had thoughts of suicide and not wanting to be here anymore but thought of all the things I want to do still. I want to travel the world and try new things. I really liked your ladder analogy. It is so true. You can only move one rung at a time but each rung you add is vitally important and helps you just hold on a little longer during the bad days. It’s okay to cry and take days or weeks away from working to have give yourself some self care. I’m sorry you will always be in pain. I’m sorry that I will always have depression as part of my life. I’m sorry people seldom truly understand what you need or what your life is like. Sending lots of love and animal snuggles your way ♥♥

    6 months ago
  30. thank you <3

    6 months ago
  31. Thank you for your different view on life and depression. I’ve had depression for years and I’ve had suicidal thoughts but I was lucky to have gotten help before it got to attempts. But I started collecting reasons and outlooks on life to help me during my hard times and I’ve never really thought about it this way before so thank you for your insights, I’m sure you’ve just helped every single person who watched your video.

    6 months ago
  32. Thank you for your honesty. I hope that sharing your life with all of us truly does help. It helps me.

    I could address depression, but I know others here can and have done it better, so I’ll just say this, we are all here to help, however we can.

    Last week, I commented on another video that I would like to see more of the in-studio EatYourSushi vids, in addition to the really wonderful cinematic adventure videos. Let me explain why.

    I’m an old guy, older than both of you, and found your videos just after you moved to Japan, so that while I’m working, I can listen to something interesting, hear different insights, etc., about a place I enjoyed visiting. But in those first several weeks, I realized that this channel is more than just information about a place, that you have created a community, and that your attitude and interactions are full of joy. You made a video once about how you find these moments of joy, and it was a model, for all of us, I think. I know that I have worked to see more of the everyday joy in the world, to explore, to take some chances, to be more positive, to open my eyes. I commented to my wife the other day that we have found all sorts of things that surprised and delighted us, sometimes in our own backyard, sometimes across the world, and that your videos helped me see things with a different outlook. Things go bad on a road trip? How can we turn it into something great and find something that we never expected? Even if it doesn’t go according to plan, it’s an experience, and an adventure. And I feel that you and Simon have reminded me to do so.

    I have missed those videos also because you two have such a connection, obviously to each other, but to the countless people who watch. That’s a big reason why I keep coming back, too, and makes us all feel like friends.

    And I am serious – I’m writing a book and have written you and Simon in as characters (other than yourselves) and last night even included Spudgy and Meemers, it just fit really well with two characters (who don’t actually interact, sorry) who were previously kind of generic in my mind, but I totally see them now. I hope that’s okay. If not, I’ll change names and/or descriptions.

    You are a pillar of strength, and even in your weakness, you are very strong, and help all of us be strong. Thank you for that, and everything else.

    6 months ago
  33. Martina, I greatly admire you for sticking to your goals and dreams and working hard to get through every day, no matter what. It’s great that you can also be an inspiration to yourself to keep going, you have a very beautiful attitude. I know that some days can, and will be hard, and being strong in the face of adversity is oh-so hard, but please know, that wherever you are, there is always someone (not just Simon, or your family, or Nasties, or me) wanting to give you a hug to help you keep going. Your sense of harmony and beautiful dreams are contagious, no matter your mood, bad day, big pain, or complete exhaustion. Take comfort in that just by being, you are an inspiration to everyone. Take care that you care for yourself too, I know that it’s hard to believe that people truely care for you, even if they don’t know you well, but whatever I don’t know about you, I’ve seen enough that I’m willing to take on faith that it’s great, bad days and all. Simon, I also admire you for being able to bask in Martina’s glory every day and still stay so awesome yourself ^_^v

    6 months ago
  34. I cried so much and I’m still crying right now. I’m not sure exactly where this video touched me.

    Maybe it’s because it made me think of my family’s friend who killed himslef this year in november. He also suffered from chronic depression, but he decided to go into the forest when no one where at home and left a note to his wife. And even thouht I haven’t seen him in the past years, it felt so strange. I prevented myself from crying the best I could, never liked crying in front of others… so maybe that’s what’s comming out right now, I can’t tell…

    Or maybe it’ because I relate a little since I suffered from depression after High school. Hell i’m not even sure I’m out of it now, but at the time, I remember I could relate to those thinking abouth suicide, I remember I could understand the line of thought leading to that conclusion and how it seemed like a solution sometimes. I had such a hard time adjusting to Cegep at the time (that weird step we have before university in Quebec), that I got expulsed for bad grades multiple time. Took me 5 years instead of 2. And now that I am in university, where I also had trouble adjusting and developed anxiety, I found out after starting my third year that I have an Attention Disorder, wich is probably why I had so much trouble.
    Maybe it’s also the way you talked abouth having little goals, taking oportunities instead of staying home. I did this for a year after Cegep. I became Yes Girl (Jim Carrey reference here). I had the opportunity to go work in Paris for two months, plane and appartment for free. I lost weight, felt beautifull and so good in my body, one of the first time in my life. I felt like Life was full of opportunities, I had goals, inspiration, felt like I knew where I was going and that I had potential and talent. I was thinking abouth getting my diploma and then traveling by doing Art residencies. I was confident. And now that i’m writhing that, I realise that I miss that feeling so much. How did I lost that?

    I think it’s probably a mixt of all this. This post is one of the best you ever made. It touched me and touched many others as I can see in the comments section. And you made me realise that maybe I should start making my ladder again to.

    6 months ago
  35. You are so beautiful in and out, Martina. Stay strong and keep inspiring us to live to the fullest.

    6 months ago
  36. Martina, thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share this with us. I know that it’s not easy to talk about mental illness and depression especially given our society and your position as a public figure, but it’s really important to talk about these things and remove the stigma. It’s brave of you to share your journey and lots of people will be able to relate to you (myself included). Keep this sort of discussion going, because it could save someone’s life.
    We love you and support you, and we are all here together as a big NASTY family!

    6 months ago
  37. Hi Martina, THANK YOU for this video. For your honesty and for allowing yourself to be vulnerable to help others. That takes a whole special lot of brave, especially when you are so well known for staying on the positive side of things.

    For a long time, I’ve wanted to write to you because you and Simon had helped me out a great deal with my own marriage. My husband Joey had suffered from chronic pain due to several botched up GI surgeries, cancer, replaced hip, tons of hospitalizations, just a lot of stuff. Our lives were in turmoil, just as one thing got better another health issue would crop up. He said the pain would be so bad on some days that he’d commit suicide if it weren’t for his religious beliefs and me. Just hearing that froze me in my tracks. I couldn’t always see how bad things were, he hid them from me, well.

    The last 10 years had been really challenging and when we needed a pick-me-up, we’d watch your videos! It was especially important to us because with everything going on, we’d sometimes forget that we were a team. Seeing you both, even in edited form, reminded us that no matter what, we had to be there for each other, even when his body was giving out on him. You guys are just so damn sweet together. We knew marriages aren’t always that perfect but it was always nice to see two people in love, showing us the happier side of things – Thank you, again.

    Unfortunately, he passed away four weeks ago. He developed something called ITP out of nowhere. Within a week of going into the hospital, he was gone – The whole taking him off of life support and everything nightmare. I was in total shock in the first couple of weeks. But as I “woke” up out of the shock, the crushing feeling of him being gone can be too much for me to handle. However, I’m doing everything I can to stay positive. I let myself cry when I need to, I don’t try to stop it, anymore. Grief happens. But I refuse to wallow in this. I want to be happy because he’d never want me to be sad over him, for any reason. The one thing about having a spouse with a serious medical condition(s) is that we have no choice as the supporting spouse to become stronger – mentally and physically. The only other option is to break and what good is that to anyone? Joey taught me inadvertently to be stronger, to focus more on important matters and that life is fragile, enjoy as much of it, as quickly as you can.

    Today (While *ahem* working), I thought, hey I’m feeling kinda low, let’s see what Simon and Martina are up to! And I saw this video. And no, it didn’t depress me. You once again helped! It’s good to see and know how someone else gets thru the day when things aren’t always bright and sunny. I don’t think there is anything wrong whatsoever in knowing someone’s full gamut of emotions. It’s normal and what makes us human. Even tho’ it’s highly personal and we don’t always want everyone to know the darker side, yet completely hiding it isn’t always a positive.

    I’m still not able to look too far into the future because my Joey won’t be there with me, it stings a bit. I have made plans with friends within the next few months – Something I wasn’t able to do as his caregiver. I have a new chapter to start writing in my book. I can still look back and see the life I had with Joey, the ups, the downs, the fantasically silly times we shared. It’s all there, still. And I hope that the chapters you continue to write in your book will always be exciting and fun and that in the moment you can enjoy them as best as you can and someday look back at everything fondly.

    Many, many, many gentle hugs to you and Simon. Thank you for being so inspiring and just so kick ass. :)

    6 months ago
  38. Thank you for giving an excellent voice to what life is like with EDS. Never stop doing all the things and going on all the adventure. As someone who has EDS/Stickler Syndrome and Factor 2 listening to everyone tell me what not to do didn’t leave me with many options so I decided to listen to my own body. I went on a 3 month road trip while I still could and continue to try and do all the things and like you accept that it’s going to hurt like hell the next day.
    No, it doesn’t get better (I am 42) but you can get every good moment out of it if you try. The moments only get sweeter. Keep buying the ticket and taking the ride!

    6 months ago
  39. Martina, it breaks my heart to know you’re in pain. Have you considered trying stem cell therapy? I know it can be expensive, but if you made a GoFundMe I know SO MANY people would donate, myself included.

    6 months ago
  40. Martina you are awesome awesome!!! God I m crying right now… I watch you guys for few years now and you always make me laugh… I was depressed for a while and crying is nothing to be ashemed about. Plus you and Simon are couple goals. Every girl in the world would love to have relationship such as yours.You guys are superheroes. Plus you inspired me to teach English…and now I m a teacher and I didn’t even know I wanted to be one and that I would be so good at it. I know it is hard for you , but the things you did with Simon most people can only dream of… Even with pain you manage to live life to the fullest, girl you rock! Be proud of yourself! I m proud of you and I don’t even know you… and btw I m from Serbia. You have fans all over the globe. Thats something

    6 months ago