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An Open Talk About My Depression

February 8, 2017

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Are you prepared for a really emotional video? Cause wow…this was a hard video for me to film.

I was really hesitant about sharing this with everyone because I didn’t want the end product of this video to be sadness. I didn’t want to share my feelings with you all and for you to leave the computer feeling sad. Simon and I have been talking about sharing this video with you all for a long time, and I think I finally felt comfortable sharing it when I was able to get a grasp on how it is that I deal with my depression. I didn’t want to just tell you all “hey I suffer from chronic depression.” I wanted to talk about it once I had the words to explain how I handle it.

We talked about it a lot, which I think is really important because you can often be caught inside your own head and not fully understand what you’re feeling. And that’s challenging, because depression is really isolating, even if you’re in a room full of people. If you stay inside your own head, you start to believe the things you tell yourself, as if they are facts. Without being checked by the outside world, you can fall even deeper into your own negative thoughts.

Those days that I was my lowest, I kept thinking something must be wrong with my life for me to feel this way. But the more I dug into it, the more I realized that I don’t really have anything to complain about in my life. I am the happiest I have ever been, personally and professionally, but my body and my pain is the worst its ever been. Even though I am mentally in a happy place, my body is sending out distress signals due to the constant pain, and that distress is wrecking havoc on me mentally. But it wasn’t always so obvious. I had to break down and scrutinize every aspect of my life to see if something was wrong. I looked at my job. Was I happy as a YouTuber? Yup. Totally. It’s the most fulfilling job I can think of. I actually think it might be the most fulfilling job in the world, if you have a kind audience (like we fortunately do). I looked at my husband. Is Simon doing something wrong? Am I upset with him? Nope. He’s fantastic and supportive and my best friend. Am I angry at my friends? Family? Pets? Co-Workers?…the list went on and not matter how much I searched for “issues” with my life, I found that I didn’t have any. This long hard look at my own life and what I perceived as bringing happiness or sadness gave me a feeling of both relief and dread. I realized that the outside sources in my life were not the problem. It was a problem I was dealing with in my own head. Even though I am currently living my dream life, living in Japan which is something I wanted since I was a child, and I’m living a great life here, depression doesn’t care what state I’m in, and has come along for the ride.

It isn’t something I can fix with money or lifestyle changes. And I think this is a really important point because a lot of people think that if they were millionaires that could have all the cars, houses, food, girls, guys, clothing, jewelry, and vacations in the world they would be totally happy. But that is just not the truth. I have a favourite quote from Jim Carrey who said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” Since I have come to that same conclusion, I realize that I need to see my depression as a chemical reaction, not as a byproduct of my life. It can feel impossible to fight against an emotional feeling, but you can do it. It is not impossible. You acknowledge that what you are saying is mean and untrue. You are whispering negative things to yourself, but you are strong enough to see those negative things and acknowledge them as wrong. It is the same as when someone looks into the mirror and calls themselves fat and ugly. The more you call yourself these negative things, the more you truly believe it. By stopping this cycle of negative thought, you stop adding fuel to the negative fire.

I still have days where I feel totally despondent and sad, but now I know that they are coming. Now I see these days are a write-off where I have to just take a bath, watch a show, or check out mentally. When I was younger, these days blindsided me. I felt overhwmelend and alone with emotions. I let them wash me down a river of negative thoughts. I believed all the negative thoughts I was having, and I would act on them. And…I tried to kill myself because of it.

That was really hard for me to say. It’s a deep dark secret that has embarrassed me and stayed with my for many years. I didn’t talk about it in my Draw My Life video. I wasn’t comfortable enough with it yet. I feel embarrassed about it now because it’s not a decision I would ever make again. It was a selfish decision that would have hurt my friends and family, and it’s embarrassing to say out loud because I feel like it was such a fucking stupid thing that I did. But I also know that it’s a real state of mind that people feel, a real question that they ask themselves. I’m glad that I was able to get myself out of that state of mind, out of the bottom of the pit. I’m more in control now, but it’ll always be there to remind me of where I could go if I don’t keep control of myself.

The amount of rungs I’ve added to my ladder makes it a lot harder for me to get down that low again. Back then, I didn’t have anything going for me. I was despondent. And all I saw was pain. Now I realize that these emotions and feelings must be contained and dealt with. I squash them down and deal with them all into one or two days, and do my best to not let it spread. In high school and university the feeling would span across days and weeks until I was an exhausted and sad lump of Martina. Now I don’t let it get passed two days. I think that is a huge difference and I hope once day to squash it down to one day. Hopefully I can get to the point one day where I can get it down to just a few hours.

I hope that my honesty in this video didn’t make you feel to upset. I think that we are all human and all deal with different difficulties, and I know that my difficulty is not the same as yours. But what I hope is that in sharing this video, we can all open up and share other ways in which we deal with our lowest days. Or if it’s too personal for you to share, and you don’t feel comfortable (because I wasn’t comfortable for years, and I still feel scared talking about it), I hope at least you can see with my example that, even though I have chronic depression, and I will never be able to fully get rid of it, I’m learning how to live with it and manage it. I hope that you can do so as well. I love you guise.

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An Open Talk About My Depression

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  1. I love you Martina!!! (had to wipe away some of my own tears) I know that what you are going through is way harder than anything that I have faced; but I know what it’s like to have days where you just want to curl up in a ball and pretend that this isn’t really your life. I also know what it’s like to feel so miserable that ending everything starts sounding like a good option. For me it was when my brother died. It was so hard to deal with and go through by itself, but it was like my family and everything around us fell apart too. My home life was a mess and then I would go to school where I was constantly being made fun of and bullied. Emotionally I felt like I was drowning in a black abyss and I couldn’t see anyway out of it at the time. At one point I decided that I was just going to end everything and be with my brother again…but then I thought of my other siblings that were hurting just as much as I was…and I thought of what losing another sibling would do to them and I decided that I just couldn’t go through with it. I found out later that my sister had done the same thing. In the end we pulled each other through the darkest of it. It’s been a long time since then, but there are still rough times and days that I walk home in tears feeling so miserable and alone. Luckily I still have my sister. We text or message each other just about every day and send loves and hugs. We search youtube to find videos that we think will make the other person laugh and brighten their day (I watched your kitty conductor video a couple of times). It’s amazing how much just those kinds of things can help keep you going. (She also painted sailor moon on a messenger bag recently for me when my purse broke and I was being sad) I think that having people in your life that care about you is one of the greatest gifts there is. I am happy that you are getting to make such incredible memories and I am so very grateful that you take us along for the ride. Thank you for being a part of my life. Loves and hugs!

    9 months ago
  2. thank you for this video. i don’t know that i can adequately explain how much i appreciated this.
    so much so that i actually (finally ha) made an account on here just to say it. im incredibly asocial and talking about stuff like this is always hard.
    i’ve suffered from chronic depression for a long time, still do. as much as i feel i cant say here, i will say that everyday forward is still a struggle. but each day i make it through, each morning i wake up and continue on, even if its just to do something silly and small is a milestone for me. i have a lot of work to do to pull myself out of the grave i’ve dug myself into, but seeing things like this remind me that it is possible

    i don’t have a story of triumph, of fighting against the odds, of making it through. because i am still pulling myself through the thick of it, this mess that is my life. but i am still fighting and that has to mean something. so even though this video did make me sad, it also gave me so much hope. and for that i thank you, martina. from the bottom of my heart. (and simon too, for supporting you!)
    back into the lurk shadows i go. <33

    9 months ago
  3. I think you’re amazing and very courageous. This has been a *super inspirational party*, not a pity party. I’d love to come next time and have a chance to send love your way. I’ll bring some healthy options because I am a party pooper, haha.

    I just love your attitude. I try to have the same attitude with my own chronic illness, although mine is much less heavy than yours. I try to hold onto that “life’s too short, better a life lived than a life wasted” kind of attitude because I could relapse at any time and lose my ability to walk, or develop untreatable encephalitis in the absolute worst case scenario. I reason that because of this there is no reason to work towards the best possible version of myself. First I lost a lot of weight through a keto diet because I didn’t want to be overweight. I’ve lost 52kg now, with another 25kg to go, and I feel twice as healthy as I felt before. I previously wore all black (because black is slimming), but now I am wearing colours and cute accessories. I am learning to apply eye makeup, and wore green eyeliner today. I’m considering dyeing the lower portion of my hair a bright colour. Because why not?

    I’m finding joy in parts of my life which were boring or lacking vibrancy through the power of stickers and stuffed toys, Ouran Host Club and Sailor Moon, BIGBANG and Boards of Canada. I’m seeking new experiences because I want to look back on my life when I’m old and go, “remember when we took a super cheap 2-day trip to Korea on a whim just to try naengmyeon?” or “remember when we ate whole baby squids at that Michelin starred restaurant in Gion?”. Life is short for others’ expectations of paying off a mortgage, having kids and eventually dying in the town I was born in.

    I am the happiest me possible right now, inspired by you. Thank you so much <3

    9 months ago
  4. “A smooth life is not a victorious life”, and while most of us want a comfortable life, so few have it. And what’s the point of a smooth life, anyway? Your beautiful attitude makes you strong, and gives us nasties encouragement to face our own battles with more grace. We all love you and we root for you! I’m so glad to watch all of your videos, I almost know some of the eat your sushi episodes by heart (your positivity made a difficult time in my life much easier). Stay encouraged and beautiful!
    (and by Italian standards you’re not fat!!!)

    9 months ago
  5. Dear Simon and Martina, I felt that your release dates were spacious in between and I figured Martina wasn’t feeling well. I’ve known you since 2010, watched every video, sang along to every rap Aegyozilla made, and even though I know what’s going on behind the scenes, it was the first time I watch you cry. It was humbling and I’m happy you decide to share that part of you with us. I’m sure everyone here will say that you’ve made a difference in their lives, you probably read that once too many times, but whenever I experience something for the first time, eating Galbitang or order a Korean Street noms, I would say “Oh! That time, Simon and Martina recommended this!” as if you’re there to experience it with me. So you might not know all of us behind the screens, but you’re present in so much of our lives and so much of our experiences. I speak in “we” because I know I’m not the only one. We nasties love you. <3

    9 months ago
  6. Oh my heart! I’ve been such fan of yours’ for I think 4ish years now? I’ve been to your cafe in Korea. Sadly I never met you but girlllllll you just brought me to tears. I adore you both and I’ve had dark times and even though that I don’t know your pain, I cried right there with you. I <3 you Martina. You are amazing. And Simon, you are amazing too. #relationshipgoals <3

    9 months ago
  7. I cannot begin to tell you how deeply this video struck me. I figured something was going on with your health and hoped that it wasn’t all pain all the time.

    I get it … the struggle, the fear, the crying jags, the depression. In other comments, I mentioned that I battled cancer twice. There were days, almost every day, when I just wanted to die … the pain was too much. Your analogy of a ladder is a great one. Much like Simon, my partner, Greg, lifted me up, made me laugh, and sought ways to help me see a future with me in it. Pain sucks. Chronic pain sucketh largely.

    I feel like you are a beloved niece and want to wrap you in a blanket of unicorn love and perpetual good feels.

    9 months ago
  8. Thank you for sharing this. I’m actually using this video to help explain to other’s my situation. I don’t have exactly the same issues. I don’t have chronic pain or depression, but I do have what can be crippling anxiety, especially in social situations. Though I really wanted to go, I couldn’t get through my social anxiety to meet you guys when you were here in Seattle. I’ve struggled with my anxiety since I was 7, where my panic attacks were misdiagnosed as asthma. I was almost and adult before it got figured out and was giving no coping mechanisms. I’ve figured much of it out on my own and with the help of a couple really good doctors, but it’s never perfect. My first suicide attempt was at 12, my second at 16, my 3rd at around 24 (I am now 37). Hearing you describe your story.. I knew that story, I’ve felt it, but I’ve never been able to put it into words as wonderfully as you have. You are absolutely right, sometimes you have to focus on the small things that make you happy and build from there. Focusing on the small things, the positive things, make things bearable. It allows you to start functioning again, to find happiness again. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for doing what you do and know that I’m so happy that you’ve found your ladder. <3

    9 months ago
  9. Last week I had harsh workout and I ended with muscle sores. My legs were so stiff and painful that I had problem with walking and taking the stairs was a challenge. Then I got my period… During which (sometimes) I have 0.00% energy. I have to take sick leave. I sleep most of the time. When I have some energy I try to do some things but they exhaust me easily and again I have to sleep for hours. I felt really awful. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to have my energy back. I remember thinking that it must be really hard if you’re sick and have to suffer pain every day. And you cannot do whatever you want to do, because your body won’t let you. And that I don’t know how people handle this. For me it was only 5 days, and I knew the pain will disappear eventually. Still I was miserable most of that time. I complained to my boyfriend on daily basics. I was a whining little brat.

    SO REALLY, MARTINA I ADMIRE HOW YOU HANDLE YOUR ILNESS. And depression. It’s sad to hear that you suffer so much sometimes. But still you told us that was the best year of your life. So I’m happy about that. When I watch your videos I often think how a great life you have. You eat great food, you go to amazing places and met amazing people. This video make me realize how hard it’s for you to do all those things. I already knew that it’s not all unicorns and rainbows all the time. But now I see that you have to literally work for it. For your life and happiness. Another reason to look up to you. Now I know that every time I’m gonna be down I’ll think of you. That I also have to work for it. To have it all and do it all. Because nothing is holding me back.

    AND SIMON YOU’RE A GREAT MAN. A REAL MAN. You’re a real role model to all those men out there. You should be an idol for young men. A real man to look up to you. They should learn from you how to take care of a family. Martina is lucky to have you. Every woman would be lucky to have you. You’re doing a great job!

    9 months ago
  10. Hi Martina! I just wanted to let you know how much I admire and look up to you as a role model. I know this video must have been hard, but I feel like a lot of people can relate to your story. Personally, there was a time not too long ago where I had no motivation to do anything, I was stressed, I didn’t eat well, and I would cry myself to sleep every night. Your videos were part of the reason I picked myself back up. When you started to cry, I immediately broke down. I know so many of us hate to see you cry. Just know that you will always have our support and our love. <3

    9 months ago
  11. Depresion can be a real beeotch. I sometimes just have to allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling in that moment, to tell myself I am okay “right now.” I think you are marvelous, Martina. You are dealing with a disease that is super icky, but you have a great attitude. So, you have down moments, days, weeks. It’s okay. Know that you are loved, even by complete strangers who view you as a beloved niece in a faraway land!

    9 months ago
  12. Thank you so much for making and posting this video. I feel like depression is a topic that people still do not like to talk about, but from the comments here alone, clearly it is something a lot of people are experiencing. Pretending like it doesn’t exist only makes those experiencing the symptoms feel alienated and more depressed. So really, thank you.
    I find your positive attitude contagious and your videos always brighten my day. But sometimes when the dark thoughts, hopelessness, anxieties, and sadness begins to creep in, I start to feel like a failure as a person. And I get mad at myself for not being able to lift myself up and feel happy again. So knowing that someone else has those same bad days is comforting in a way. I wish people would be more open that bad days are inevitable, but as you said, they shouldn’t take away from the good days. Please keep being your awesome, amazing self! The world is a better place with Martina in it!!

    9 months ago
  13. I wanted to thank you so much. It’s hard to be open with. I’ve been… wanting to email to send something. But I can do it here. Warning TW
    Well here’s the short version. Grandather molested at 8, uncle at 10. Forced by father to become the maid: he’d not do anything as I had to cook clean and raise my little sister. Then he’d take the credit. Was also told to follow whatever a man said. at 13 was forced to give head to three boys dressed at clowns in the girls locker room. Soaked down, told to lie that I fell into a puddle. I got in trouble for it by father. Each boyfriend after molested me at some point (I dated men because I thought I had to: I knew I was gay since like 7). First suicide attempt was after the forced head. It failed, the rope broke. at 17 I met a guy who was nice the first few days. After a week I went over. was beaten and raped. Told not to say anything. So I didn’t. Over the course of three months: Dogs, 20 men over so, in one go for rounds. Forced heroin. Him knowing I wanted to have a baby so pregnancy tests till was. Beatings continued till he had to move and ‘grew tired of me’ cut a piece off of my inner labia, the pink folds, cut that piece and cut it in half. Then forced me to eat one half as he did the other. Then he put something in my system. I kept it secret, he told me to. I ended up having a miscarriage. A month later, was gonna kill myself. Deleting shit on internet. When got message from this little british girl. And it was better and better from there. She saved me. and we managed to fall in love
    my depression is still here. My BPD is strong. Which is going to be with me my entire life. And like… it’s hard to talk about. But I do need to talk about it more. As I wanted to deal with a…well knife before actually watching this.
    Thank you so much Martina

    9 months ago
  14. I cried whilst watching your video. Not because of sadness, although I felt that, and I couldn’t help but feel the hope in your voice as you describe how you cope from day to day.

    What sorrow I feel is a symptom of the parallels I draw between your story and my own. This post is taking me forever to write, even though I know it will be buried in the masses of other comments. Still each word is a struggle.

    I reached a precipice a long time ago and moved past it I have not yet moved beyond that shadow. I respect your bravery in moving forward and your stubborn endurance in the face of intense pain.

    Sometimes it is really hard to move beyond the fear, and sometimes it’s the most mundane things that inspire it (I’m looking at you stairs grrr)

    I won’t get into my story because it really doesn’t matter to anyone but me, however I wanted to say, I get it and sometimes the pain is worth it.

    I hope making this video has helped free you of some of those demons chasing you. There is a whole community here rooting for you.

    Thank you for pushing through. Thank you for not being silent.

    9 months ago
  15. Thank you for being so brave Martina, you are a huge inspiration and thank you so, so much for always pulling through! You are our positive fuel! Thank you for stepping out and sharing, I’m sure this will give many people strength, no matter how big or small. We could have never imagined that a happy bunny like you were going through so much inside. Thank you for having the courage to show us this side of you and I wish you all the best in whatever you do, and that you will succeed in squashing your low moments into a day or even a few hours the next time this happens. You must know you have given a lot of people hope and motivation, and you are a living proof that depression will not get you down. You go girl!

    9 months ago
  16. Thank you for this video!
    It immediately made me cry, because I feel with you, because I know exact what it feels like, because I need more rungs in my ladder and because I was so proud of you to share it.
    Depression is something that’s hard to explain if you haven’t experienced it and I am so glad that there are so many people here who are with you either way.
    Seeing your pink hair and the orange in the background, knowing there he your tiny garden as well and Simon near you, was one of the most positive things I have seen.
    You are so right, the memories will stay and I’m a little sad that i didn’t come to this conclusion when I was younger and trying to end it.
    But it’s never too late, right?
    On my way to great memories ❤️
    Love you guys
    #buildaladder

    9 months ago
  17. Thank you. Thank you for being yourselves. Thank you especially for this video. Your videos have lifted me up on many days when I needed it. I have been depressed for ever, and I very much understand the hole that you can get yourself into. I somehow climbed my way up, and I am glad you did too. I am just now trying to work on things for me, rather than letting my depression tell me that I can’t do it. I am going to my first concert alone in March, which is terrifying. I am also trying to get certified to teach abroad, which I’ve wanted to do for years. I admire your strength and really wish I could give you a hug through the internet. Never apologize for being yourself or crying. You are still the same awesome person you have always been. Thank you.

    9 months ago
  18. Thank you so much for making this video. I just wanted to let you and anyone else reading this who is feeling the same way know that you are not alone, while our conditions aren’t the same I too have to deal with chronic pain for what will likely be the rest of my life. Almost 13 years ago now the pain and depression became bad enough that I was suicidal. I had a plan, I had everything laid out but I never committed to trying. Once again thank you so much for making this video I hope that it helped you and please do more of them as I hope it will help anyone else out there who may be feeling the same way.

    9 months ago
  19. I had my period of emotional issues, sadness and despair. I was wondering why I came to this world, I didn’t want to be here… Then I tried different things: working with healers, spirituality, meditation, changing my lifestyle, working with Angels, changing my beliefs… And whatever would work, I kept doing it. I found that Angels do respond to me when I ask them for help. I am also working on changing my thoughts because I realized how they become my reality. What I think would manifest, so I’d better stick to the positive thoughts. Whenever I think about something negative, I would say “Cancel, clear, delete” to undo it. And now, I’m working on self-love and saying loving affirmations to myself daily while looking at the mirror.

    9 months ago
  20. Thank you do much for this video. You are my favorite Youtubers and seeing you cry made me cry sooo much. But it was really helpful for me.I want to be more like both of you. I see you as super energic and positive people and it is encouraging to see that you can be positive even in depression. That it does not define who we are. I’m seeing myself as a positive person but there is some depressive days where I think I might just not be, that i’m not a good person. This video helped me seeing how an amazing person can also deal with depression and it does not change how amazing they are. Thank you so much and i’m sending you lot of hugs <3

    9 months ago
  21. Thank you Martina and Simon, from the bottom of my heart. I know this video couldn’t have been easy for either of you, but obviously you’ve touched so many. I was diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension two years ago, and around that time I started watching your videos. PH is really just another disease on my list of autoimmune disorders list that I already have, but this one is fatal… without a cure. I’m 36, and though I thought I had my whole life ahead of me, it all came crashing down, and the struggle with my depression became real at that point. Martina, your insistence and perseverance at seeking adventure has inspired me. WHY should I give up now when there is so much adventure left to be had? WHY should I let naysayers tell me I “can’t” do this or that or the other thing?!? You have taught me that the only limitations are really the ones we allow in, and I’ll be damned if I let this thing take me down quietly! There’s too much left of this world to see, too much left to experience, and I am determined to experience it as much as I am able. Every time I feel doubt, or hesitate because so many people (not health care providers – but family and friends) say that I shouldn’t, or can’t, or some other negative thing… I remember that you DID, and you continue to DO… and that is what helps me keep putting my feet on my path to adventure. Here’s to building ladders, community, and finding adventure!

    9 months ago
  22. Hi Martina! I have been a fan of the both of you since EYK and have been silently following and watching your videos. I decided to register in this forum, after watching your current video, and be a silent follower no more. I just wanted to let you how much your bravery has pushed me to start to “build a ladder” and get out of my own dark hole. I will try my best to be as brave as you. I am not sure if you would be able to read this, but please know that in my heart I am really grateful that brave (and bright coloured ^_^) people like you exist. Your video has made a tremendous ripple effect in the world! I am glad that you have Simon (such a blessing to you) who loves you unconditionally. Thank you, Simon and Martina (and to Spudgy and Meemers too!). Sending you both the warmest hugs all the way from “Winterpeg”, MB <3 <3 <3

    9 months ago
  23. Martina!
    I really love your ladder metaphor. I’ve never officially been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, but I occasionally have some pretty dark days and I always beat myself up about them because I’m always telling myself, I have such a great life, there’s no reason for me to feel this way, and I just start to feel guilty for my feelings and it ends up making me more upset. I think in the future, I’ll think back to this video when I’m feeling shitty, and I’ll look at all the good things in my lofe and happy memories as rungs on my ladder, rather than reasons to feel guilty. I think that this mindset and the will to CREATE more rungs on the ladder when you feel at your worst, could help a lot of people. Thanks so much for making this; your honesty and bravery in posting it to YouTube and your desire to make sure it has a positive effect on the world is so admirable and amazing. You’re amazing. ❤️❤️❤️

    9 months ago
  24. Thank you for sharing this with us all Martina.
    There is so much you spoke about that I can relate too. It is not my style to discuss my own feelings, so really this comment is just a way to add my voice to the many who are reaffirming that you are not alone and that you are loved, even if we only know you through a screen.
    Honesty and vulnerability are traits that I value in people. You being honest and vulnerable makes me think very highly of you.
    Thanks again for taking the time to share your story.
    Much Love. <3

    9 months ago
  25. i cried with u martina its okay!!! lol. i recently started having body aches and pain, its only been about 2-3 months but it happened so suddenly that now its like, wait am I going to be like this forever?? I remember just when it was hard going up stairs years ago and then it suddenly start escalating everywhere. I still dont have a proper diagnosis either, going to be taking some more tests (tired of the doctors by now tbh and i hate needles but i need more bloodwork done this week i really dont wanna) which has been reallly weighing on my mentality, like there are times where I wonder if that pain I was having a few hours ago was all in my head. it also made me sad thinking about my friend, who has been going through some really hard times and attempted to end his life as well, all these things happening around the same time has just been weighing on me also with family problems, i just feel like a mess. but, i just wanna thank you for sharing your feelings with us, its so hard to talk about my problems with the people around me so i can just imagine how difficult it was for you to do so on such a large platform. i feel like your friend and i just wanna hug you and say everything is going to be alright!! i’ve been watching your videos for a very long time, even through all those ppl who didnt have nice things to say i always supported you guys, am very happy to be here at this point still watching your videos. you both are such an inspiration and here to the years to come, even if there comes to a point where you guys stop making videos i hope to be with you guys as a silent fan until then. thank you for everything, love you both <3

    9 months ago
  26. You have made me so happy so many times i just wanted to thank you, for being strong, and for being here, with us. I wish we could hug you and share strength because you deserve just the best. I wish we just could help you!
    P.D. You are beautiful no matter what you eat! don’t be sorry for that!!

    9 months ago
  27. I don´t really know what to write but i wanted to thank you because i think you helped me expand my mind a little bit and see things in a different color, i´m glad that you are learning how to deal with this feelings and that you have support from Simon, your family and i hope yu feel the internet love from us, we all have good days and bad days and i think we just need to try our best to be kind to one another and to do what makes us happy

    9 months ago
  28. Thank you for sharing Martina, and all the other amazing, couragous people in the comments!

    I’m in the middle of figuring out how much lower I can sink. I feel like I’m swimming/fighting to keep my head above the water while my brain is a 20kg piece of lead trying to drown me. I keep getting more moments where I can’t imagine this to get better, where I can’t tell myself to ignore the negativity in my mind. I don’t want to die, but in those moments I just can’t see how I am supposed to live like that either.
    It’s nice to know I’m not alone, so thank you all for that. It really is suprisingly hard to talk about it with people who I care about, like family or friends. I don’t want to hurt them by making them realise how much of a mental shithole I dug for myself.

    To all the people out there, thank you for making me feel less alone.

    9 months ago
  29. I don’t suffer from chronic physical pain, but I have Bipolar Disorder, so I know all about that black pit of despair. I think Martina made a lot of important points here. I love what she said about “building a ladder.” When I was younger, I had no ladders. I didn’t even think I could build a ladder. I was just stuck down there at the very bottom of the pit. But now that I’m a bit older (I’m around Martina’s age), I focus my life on building those ladders. I fell in love and married my soul mate. I got work-from-home jobs so I don’t have to miss work when I’m having a Bipolar episode. I rescued a puppy. I just got back from the trip of my dreams. Like Martina, I now have awesome memories that can get me through the bad months. I know I’ll be manic and depressed over and over again for the rest of my life, but every year I build more ladders so that I can get out of the pit a bit more easily. I wish I’d seen this video fifteen years ago. Maybe then I could have started building ladders in high school instead of being stuck at the very bottom of the pit for a decade. I hope we can all remember that while we might not be able to stay out of the pit forever, we never need to go back to the very bottom.

    9 months ago
  30. Thank you for this video Martina. I have a sister with an invisible disease (miastenia congenita, which means she was born with it) and sometimes it is hard for me to understand how she feels about it and te hard times she has because of it. Today she doesn’t have much truble with it but i know that she struggles with her desease, it limits her actions (she gets very tired if there is too hot, or too sunny) and it makes her feel frustration, that there are things she can’t do… So… thank you, thanks because maybe this video can help me and her to get over this predicaments.
    Lots of love, for both of you.
    PD: MVP Simon.

    9 months ago
  31. “Building a ladder” is really close to the phrasing that my therapist and I use to describe how I’m feeling lately, actually. I’ve been unemployed for a while and really scared and demoralized to re-enter the work force, mainly due to my total lack of self-confidence in my ability to work. I tried to convince myself that I was going to school and looking for jobs for my own happiness, when in reality it was to try to make other people, particularly my family, happy (happy for themselves that they could have something to brag about, not happiness for my well-being). I am sloooowly, slooooowly learning that I can live for myself, and not only to feel like I’m obligated to make decisions based on what others think I should be doing. I feel so much fear every day that the small steps feel like awesome accomplishments – little steps on the ladder leading out of the pit of depression and hopelessness. I have to admit, I still feel down a lot of the time, but since realizing how good building a ladder feels, it’s become so much easier, after some down time, to pick myself up and keep trying.

    I am going to keep trying, for you, for me, and for all of us here. The little steps are important. Let’s build ladders!

    9 months ago
  32. Thank you Martina for having the courage and strength to open up about such a difficult and personal topic. And thank you even more for managing to pull yourself out of your pit, finding meaning in life and experience and going on these adventures. I’m glad that you have managed to continue living such an interesting and magical life. For some of us who are unable to make certain things happen at the moment, we are living our hopes through you as well thanks to all of your videos on information and adventure. As difficult, frustrating and mentally exhausting as it can be, I hope that you will manage to keep on going and I’m really glad that you also have such an amazing support system from your friends, family and especially Simon. May you keep on smiling and collecting amazing stories to look back on. #virtualhug ❤️

    9 months ago
  33. Heyo, there, Martina. Thank you a lot for making this video.
    I’m finding to difficult to find my words, mostly because I never really want to admit to myself that I might have a problem. Which I realize is a not-so-great mindset, but it’s sort of how I power through. I’m not perfect on picking myself up from the sad states I can get in from chronic migraines and anxiety, but I do my best.
    Sometimes, it’s little things like watching a movie I love, gardening, treating myself to my favorite comfort foods (like froyo or pho), or watching videos like yours on Youtube. Other times I’ve got to work a little harder, and it’s not so cut-and-dry. With anxiety I can sometimes convince myself that the thoughts I’m having are illogical, and try to reason them out with things that make more sense. It doesn’t always 100% work, but it usually is enough to where I can function again.
    That said…thank you again for doing what you do. You both of you guys pick me up a lot, even when I don’t know I need it. I hope it isn’t weird to say that I really truly care about you guys, despite only knowing you through Youtube (and meeting soso briefly once).
    Last thing: you apologized for not making as many videos, and I just hope you don’t feel obligated for your viewer’s sakes to overdue it if causes you too much pain. I think it’s fairly safe to say that we all love you, and want you to do what’s best for you. So if it turns out there are less videos, that’s really okay. If you want to channel your creativity in other, less strenuous, outlets–that’s okay too! You do what you have to do. <3

    9 months ago
  34. Hey Martina! I’m really glad you did this video! I identify with you a lot, in a lot of ways, and it’s always sort of empowering to see that, no matter how bad it gets, you can always make the choice to take *some* control of your life, and that it makes all of the difference, no matter how small that control seems to someone outside (specially able bodied, neurotipycal individuals). And you really shouldn’t feel bad for crying and/or sadness – it just made me want to give you all of the hugs! So consider yourself – gently :) – glomped (do people still say that?)!
    Also what you talk about in the blog is really important – it’s really easy feeling guilty for a bad mental patch when everything in your life is good, but it’s a mattr of body chemistry that you can’t really control. Somebody that has, say, diabetes doesn’t feel guilty they have to control their sugar intake or that they eventually need medicine to regulate their body, and we really should internalize that, despite the stigma, mental health is exactly the same. You do what you gotta do, even if that is allowing yourself to check out and wallow every now and then. (Also, stop with the weight negativity, you’re gorgeous, in and out, and weight won’t change that! Denying yourself pleasure from eating for arnitrary societal standards is preposterous!)
    Anyway, I wish you lots of good days to outweight the bad, and strenght to get through when they don’t!

    9 months ago
  35. Girl, you have me on an amazing roller coaster of emotion right now. Tears are just rolling down my cheeks and they are there for a good reason. Thank you so much for opening up and expressing that side of you. I feel like I know you better and I feel like dyeing my hair and doing the stuff I want to do in life, so I can also look back and have amazing memories, because I have existential depression and you helped me look at life in a different way that I haven’t seen in that light before. So thank you. Also thank you for the virtual hug, if I ever meet you you’re getting a massage hug. (Massaging your back as we hug in a platonic kinda way. It’s gonna be great! I promise.) Well enough of my pity party, I’m gonna steal all of the blankets and pillows in the house and have a massive blanket pillow fort kinda day. hehe. Have a good one. <3 Snowy.

    9 months ago
  36. Thank you for sharing this video. I don’t watch much YouTube but I saw something share this and decided to watch and read what you said. I myself have been dealing with depression for years and it’s been getting worse. I thought it was getting better but as soon as I hit 20 years I was diagnosed with AML Leukemia. I’m currently 22 and still getting by. It’s hard to deal with chemotherapy and all the things I’ve been having to put up with. It’s gotten to the point where I asked for medical help because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I would cut myself and all I wanted was to die. I never attempted suicide because I worry too much about those around me tho. But thank you for sharing your story and I am so proud of you for opening up like you did. You have given so many people strength with this video. I know you’ve haven’t me strength. I can understand when you say your mood gets bad when you’re in pain. My chemotherapy gives me headaches and with all the medicines I take, I never know if I’ll be waking up in pain or not. That affects my mood a lot too. But I’m happy to see you doing your best with your conditions and I’m happy for you. You’re such a strong and beautiful person! Thank you once again for this video. It’s made my day.

    9 months ago
  37. Thank you for making this video. I love you guys even more now, which I didn’t think was possible. I watch you guys to laugh because it is always a guarantee but I will always come to any pity party you throw to cry and laugh with you. To every nasty out there who reads this just know I love you too and the community that we create is something that is very special to me!

    9 months ago
  38. Thank you Martina for inspiring us even when your down. We love you so much, we’ll always be by your side no matter what. Lots of kisses for you both. A special hug for Simon for being such a good husband we’ll be here watching you become a mountain #buildaladder

    9 months ago
  39. You are very, very, very brave, Martina. As a Psychiatry Student, I have unfortunately seen a good amount of cases of chronic depression related to chronic pain, and not less people who attempted suicide because of that. It is not easy to talk about it, it is not easy to ask for help and it is even more difficult to think as positive as you think. That takes a lot of time, and surely you know that too well. What you did today is something worth admiring.
    Having said that, I’d like to tell my own personal story, as I felt encouraged by yours. I don’t have any health issues, I didn’t suffer from bullying or any trauma as a child. But there was a time, maybe because of my personality and the changes that I was going throught, that I was suffering from several depressive episodes. I started to feel so empty I couldn’t even get out of bed in the mornings, I dropped most of my university lessons, and I lost most of my friends. I started having panic attacks, in which I self-injured myself just to feel my psychologic pain in a physical way and to calm down. I felt my life was worthless and it was because of no evident reason at all. It was when I ask for help and trully opened myself to others when I was able to go out of that situation. I forced myself to go out, talk to people and see the good things that surrounded me. I started to accept myself and others. And yeah, that’s something I learned from your videos. Not entirely, of course, because that’s something one person need to work in, but… day by day, I learned how to get the best out of life, no matter what happens. And Simon and you accompained me in that trip. For example, I can say that all the things that I know about healthy love, I got it from you two. Not lying at all. Five years have passed since then, and three since I don’t physically hurt myself anymore. And now I’m finishing my M.D. and I hope that one day I’ll be a good Psychiatrist. So, thank you, Martina. For being such a wonderfull human being, and making us all to see the colour of life and the flower that grows among the weeds. Much love from Spain, and a huuuuuuuuge virtual hug!!!
    – Elena.

    9 months ago
  40. I also deal with chronic depression and severe anxiety. Mostly because I went to college and have a ridiculous amount of student loan debt now rendering me completely unable to do anything. But hearing your story gives me hope that I can one day do awesome things even though it seems hopeless now. Thank you Martina! You rock! Also I was going to send you guys a box but then I looked up how much it would cost so nevermind ahah maybe one day!

    9 months ago