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An Open Talk About My Depression

February 8, 2017

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Are you prepared for a really emotional video? Cause wow…this was a hard video for me to film.

I was really hesitant about sharing this with everyone because I didn’t want the end product of this video to be sadness. I didn’t want to share my feelings with you all and for you to leave the computer feeling sad. Simon and I have been talking about sharing this video with you all for a long time, and I think I finally felt comfortable sharing it when I was able to get a grasp on how it is that I deal with my depression. I didn’t want to just tell you all “hey I suffer from chronic depression.” I wanted to talk about it once I had the words to explain how I handle it.

We talked about it a lot, which I think is really important because you can often be caught inside your own head and not fully understand what you’re feeling. And that’s challenging, because depression is really isolating, even if you’re in a room full of people. If you stay inside your own head, you start to believe the things you tell yourself, as if they are facts. Without being checked by the outside world, you can fall even deeper into your own negative thoughts.

Those days that I was my lowest, I kept thinking something must be wrong with my life for me to feel this way. But the more I dug into it, the more I realized that I don’t really have anything to complain about in my life. I am the happiest I have ever been, personally and professionally, but my body and my pain is the worst its ever been. Even though I am mentally in a happy place, my body is sending out distress signals due to the constant pain, and that distress is wrecking havoc on me mentally. But it wasn’t always so obvious. I had to break down and scrutinize every aspect of my life to see if something was wrong. I looked at my job. Was I happy as a YouTuber? Yup. Totally. It’s the most fulfilling job I can think of. I actually think it might be the most fulfilling job in the world, if you have a kind audience (like we fortunately do). I looked at my husband. Is Simon doing something wrong? Am I upset with him? Nope. He’s fantastic and supportive and my best friend. Am I angry at my friends? Family? Pets? Co-Workers?…the list went on and not matter how much I searched for “issues” with my life, I found that I didn’t have any. This long hard look at my own life and what I perceived as bringing happiness or sadness gave me a feeling of both relief and dread. I realized that the outside sources in my life were not the problem. It was a problem I was dealing with in my own head. Even though I am currently living my dream life, living in Japan which is something I wanted since I was a child, and I’m living a great life here, depression doesn’t care what state I’m in, and has come along for the ride.

It isn’t something I can fix with money or lifestyle changes. And I think this is a really important point because a lot of people think that if they were millionaires that could have all the cars, houses, food, girls, guys, clothing, jewelry, and vacations in the world they would be totally happy. But that is just not the truth. I have a favourite quote from Jim Carrey who said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” Since I have come to that same conclusion, I realize that I need to see my depression as a chemical reaction, not as a byproduct of my life. It can feel impossible to fight against an emotional feeling, but you can do it. It is not impossible. You acknowledge that what you are saying is mean and untrue. You are whispering negative things to yourself, but you are strong enough to see those negative things and acknowledge them as wrong. It is the same as when someone looks into the mirror and calls themselves fat and ugly. The more you call yourself these negative things, the more you truly believe it. By stopping this cycle of negative thought, you stop adding fuel to the negative fire.

I still have days where I feel totally despondent and sad, but now I know that they are coming. Now I see these days are a write-off where I have to just take a bath, watch a show, or check out mentally. When I was younger, these days blindsided me. I felt overhwmelend and alone with emotions. I let them wash me down a river of negative thoughts. I believed all the negative thoughts I was having, and I would act on them. And…I tried to kill myself because of it.

That was really hard for me to say. It’s a deep dark secret that has embarrassed me and stayed with my for many years. I didn’t talk about it in my Draw My Life video. I wasn’t comfortable enough with it yet. I feel embarrassed about it now because it’s not a decision I would ever make again. It was a selfish decision that would have hurt my friends and family, and it’s embarrassing to say out loud because I feel like it was such a fucking stupid thing that I did. But I also know that it’s a real state of mind that people feel, a real question that they ask themselves. I’m glad that I was able to get myself out of that state of mind, out of the bottom of the pit. I’m more in control now, but it’ll always be there to remind me of where I could go if I don’t keep control of myself.

The amount of rungs I’ve added to my ladder makes it a lot harder for me to get down that low again. Back then, I didn’t have anything going for me. I was despondent. And all I saw was pain. Now I realize that these emotions and feelings must be contained and dealt with. I squash them down and deal with them all into one or two days, and do my best to not let it spread. In high school and university the feeling would span across days and weeks until I was an exhausted and sad lump of Martina. Now I don’t let it get passed two days. I think that is a huge difference and I hope once day to squash it down to one day. Hopefully I can get to the point one day where I can get it down to just a few hours.

I hope that my honesty in this video didn’t make you feel to upset. I think that we are all human and all deal with different difficulties, and I know that my difficulty is not the same as yours. But what I hope is that in sharing this video, we can all open up and share other ways in which we deal with our lowest days. Or if it’s too personal for you to share, and you don’t feel comfortable (because I wasn’t comfortable for years, and I still feel scared talking about it), I hope at least you can see with my example that, even though I have chronic depression, and I will never be able to fully get rid of it, I’m learning how to live with it and manage it. I hope that you can do so as well. I love you guise.

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An Open Talk About My Depression

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  1. Thank you for this. It gives me a lot of hope. I believe we are about the same age and I have been dealing with this anxiety/depression mess for as long as I can recall. I think we may may deal with it very similarly and it’s nice to know someone out in the world feels like I do sometimes. And even though we come off as Happy Happy Happy!!!! to outside folks, the struggle is rough but if you are like me – you don’t want everyone else to have to deal with your emotions. But anywho, thanks so much for doing this, you’ve really made me smile today. :)

    9 months ago
  2. Thanks for sharing your experience, Martina. This is the first time I’m commenting online ever but I know I had to since I was crying throughout the video. It is very timely and resonated with me since I’m currently experiencing a particularly severe situational depression. I can say that I’m at the bottom of the pit and your video helped me to try to fight back or try to get myself out of this pit. I know it’s a long road ahead but it’s a little bit consoling to know that I’m not alone. When you opened up your experience, it made me realize that even very happy-looking people have struggles too and that we all have crosses to bear. I’m a fan of your videos since you guys started but I love you guys even more for sharing both your happiness and struggles. Good luck to you and Simon! :D

    9 months ago
  3. Oh no… the formatting. Sorry about the wall of text in my previous comment. I don’t know how to edit or delete it. It seems to display properly in my profile, though.

    9 months ago
  4. Thank you for making this video, and for the ladder metaphor. I don’t know how to put in words just how grateful and moved I am. I sobbed, and laughed a bit too, and definitely felt a bit better than before I watched the video.

    It SUCKS that you have EDS. It’s so unbelievably fucking terrible. But then… it’s not unbelievable, is it? It’s real, and there to stay, and medical science is just more useless than it has any right to be.

    I don’t have chronic pain. I do have endogenous depression (thankfully less severe over the past 3 years or so). It had probably been creeping up on me for a while, but exploded in a big way several years ago when I suddenly and inexplicably lost more than half my hearing in one ear – and gained 24/7 severe tinnitus and sound distortion at the same time. It sounds stupid and neurotic (even the word ‘tinnitus’ sounds stupid), but I literally have not had one moment of silence since 2010. As someone who perhaps disproportionately enjoyed peace and quiet, and also listening to small details in music, this messed me up for a long time. I was constantly afraid of suddenly losing the rest of my hearing, and couldn’t find the quiet I needed to de-stress. Going outside was physically painful because certain traffic noises were distorted and too loud. I didn’t want to talk to people because I felt bad about having to ask them to repeat themselves so many times.

    At the same time I was struggling to find full-time employment. I failed my postgraduate studies because I couldn’t sit down and concentrate long enough to write assignments (thanks, tinnitus). I developed a string of insanely negative self-thoughts. Ok, it wasn’t just a string, it was chainmail – that’s how solid my reasoning seemed. I felt like I was useless and didn’t deserve to live, had daily suicidal ideations, but could never quite go through with it properly. And felt a corresponding increase in self-contempt.

    And then… somehow I got a job teaching English to kids in rural/regional Japan (where I’ve always wanted to try living for a while). It definitely hasn’t been all sunshine and roses over the past 3 years here, but I feel like I can breathe. I have space, but there’s usually enough ambient noise to compete with the tinnitus. That’s mostly thanks to the job – I’m usually listening (I make sure the speaker is not to my immediate left), or talking, not staring at a blank document with just the noise in my head for company. And the important part is probably that the work isn’t about ME – it’s about the kids and their learning. It’s easier to work on something when I don’t have time to obsess about my own self-worth (the kids are a handful – equal parts headache and hilarious).

    Teaching a second language to children has also helped me to be a lot less nitpicky and judgmental, and to be more patient. I’m not quite sure how, but it might have something to do with focusing on the importance of communication (as opposed to grammatical perfection). I’m a little bit more relaxed about and forgiving of myself.

    Another big help has been the change in environment – new stimuli and all. Not just man-made, but completely different geography, flora and fauna to what I’m used to. I can stare out of the train or bus for hours. While walking around, I stop to take photos of weeds and find that 10 minutes have passed. I can still spend an hour just exploring the supermarket, especially the seafood section.

    I’m not too fond of phrases like ‘get inspired’ or ‘love life’ – they’re overused – but their core message is vital. If I can find a little joy, a little more love – if not for myself, then for the world we live in – in one fleeting moment in a day, maybe that’s all I needed to slowly start recovering. I guess these have formed rungs to my own ladder over time. This ladder doesn’t go straight up, though. It seems to twist and turn a bit, but at least it’s not curving back down. For some reason I think of this is as a growing vine. When I think of a wooden ladder I keep imagining splinters. Sorry, can’t help it. Anyway, maybe my image works too. The vine needs sun and water too.

    For anyone out there who’s reading this, and going through their own suffering, I’m sorry there’s nothing concrete I can do to help. I can only say I genuinely wish that you find the relief you need. That you find your small, precious moments of peace and happiness in each day. That tomorrow’s world is kinder to you than it has been before. That you know that I, and many others out there, send you all of our love.

    9 months ago
  5. Sorry to hear about Martina’s health problems.
    I’m genuinely concerned.
    I know this may not be well-received, but it may have something to do with radiation.
    Tokyo area received large amount of fallout during Fukushima incident. (and probably continues to do so, as Fukushima continues to release radiation unabated)
    I hear that Japanese people are having many health problems, but the govt tries to keep everything hush-hush.
    I would recommend you to move out of the Tokyo area. Kyushu would probably be better. (I hear a lot of Japanese moved there post-Fukushima and their health improved.)

    Anyway, best wishes.

    PS: Some people may not like seeing this comment, so please feel free to delete it after you’ve read it.

    9 months ago
  6. VM

    Thank you for sharing this. As someone who also deals with depression, it’s really motivating for me to see people who inspire me like you talking about the hard times as well. I think it really adds depth to all the amazing work you guys do. I felt very emotional watching this video but also less alone. Again, thank you

    9 months ago
  7. Hi Martina!

    Have you heard of sickboy podcast? They interview people with mental and physical illnesses on the podcast, which sounds depressing, but is actually so inspiring. They even did an episode on EDS Type III! (I included a snippit below). I suggest listening to an episode when you’re feeling low and in the bathtub. I think it’s helpful to listen to other people explain how they got through their bad moments.

    Peace from Busan!

    “I dislocated my ankle attempting to swat a fly in a friend’s kitchen and ridiculously enough, I had a moment of clarity. I realized if swatting a fly was going to land me in the emergency room then no level of precaution was going to change the fact that I have a chronic illness and sometimes it’s going to win a round or two.

    So now what do I do? I dislocate joints, I spend time in various doctor’s offices and emergency rooms, but I go to music festivals, I take road trips, I’m pursuing a graduate degree, I’m planning a trip to China, creating a series of short documentary videos and I’m trying to live a life that’s more intriguing than my medical history.”

    9 months ago
  8. Awww Martina ❤️ Even if we never meet (i would love to!) i was very moved by your video i i feel so close to you that it even surprised me! I dont know what it is to live with chronic pain but i sure know that you are admirable!! ☺️ And by watching you and Simon, it gave me hope in my dreams.
    I wish you two the very best & i will stay one of your beloved fan since the beginning

    9 months ago
  9. Thank you, Martina, for sharing this with us. Even for people that don’t have chronic pain or depression, you show everyone that you should do things without regret, even though you may hurt. Don’t let the pain get to you, Nasties. Move forward always. <3

    9 months ago
  10. This is my first post ever, even though I’ve been watching your videos for years now. Despite having watched only one of your videos my husband knows your names (he loooves Coco Curry, so you can guess which one ;P), because I talk about you guys and your videos whenever a new one comes out. As an expat living in Asia, your videos and blog posts all strike a chord with me; the funny, the cute, the adventurous and the thoughtful. And this video compelled me to step out of my anonymous comfort zone and reach out.

    As someone who deals with severe and sometimes crippling anxiety, to the point of sabotaging my own life when I let it get out of hand, I’m no stranger to feelings of worthlessness, shame and depression. My mother lives with an incurable chronic illness and her own anxiety issues, which hasn’t been without its impact on me and my family. It is hard and it will never go away. It’s who I am, but it’s also something I am learning to navigate and cope with. Two days instead of weeks, and perhaps one day I’ll only need a few hours to turn around those dark thoughts. Everything you said rang so true for me, despite our very different circumstances. Sometimes I climb, sometimes I stumble back down, but I’m damned well determined to keep charging that ladder! And as I struggle, I learn new coping mechanisms to make space for the good things in life. Which brings me to this:

    I can tell you with 100% conviction that YOU, Martina, have made a difference in my life, even though we’ll probably never meet. You’re a rung in my ladder, all the way. You and Simon and your videos and your life philosophy have been an inspiration to me. You’ve helped me to become more unapologetic about who I am and the things I love, because you showed me how and paved the way. When I’m low and need a couch day away from the world, your videos keep me from feeling isolated. Something about your relentless kindness and can-do-spirit is so uplifting. When I grow cynical with expat life and become homesick, your videos help me see my host country from a kinder point of view again and rekindle that joy of exploration and discovery. When I see you and Simon, I see my husband and myself. When you try out new things, I feel the urge to go an adventure as well. Me going to Seoul, trying new foods, glueing cute crap on my BB cushion compact, proudly displaying my plushies, etc etc. That’s all you! When I watch one of your videos, it feels like meeting with old friends, or perhaps kindred spirits. The internet is bizar and wonderful that way.

    So when you talk about your struggles so bravely and openly, you’ve paved the way for me and so many others once more. To break through the silence and put yourself out there like that requires tremendous courage and strength, for which I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words, tears and advice stirred in me a feeling of recognition and hope (and some tears of my own). I’ll show my mom this video. I will keep adding rungs to my own ladder and to those of my loved ones. And even though this is just one comment, I hope it can help to shore up your ladder.

    Thank you for everything, truly (>^.^)> BEAR HUG

    9 months ago
    • (>^.^)> BEAR HUG BACK! I think it’s amazing that the internet has given us a place to meet kindred spirits in an almost pen-pal but better because it is instant communication kind-of-way. I’m so happy I can help to inspire adventure or, if you will…adding a new step to your ladder. It was a really difficult video to put out because I felt ashamed and embarrassed about my inside feelings but after reading all the comments I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders in knowing that other people are also feeling the same way I am. Thanks for taking the time to leave this great comment, you and all the others have really helped to shore up my ladder. :)

      9 months ago
      • Hello, Simon and Martina. There is a guy, his name is Wim Hof and I seriously think that he can help Martina. Watch VICE documentary about him or testimonials on his youtube channel.
        Just give it a try.
        Moderator don’t you dare to block this comment) Please, don’t or at least inform Simon and Martina about this information.

        Hey, fans. Help me make Simon and Martina know about it. I hope it will help them.

        8 months ago
  11. Hi guys! Long-time Nasties (and we finally made an account just to post this), first-time commenting. My partner and I have both suffered from depression and anxiety, and we know that you know that you’re not alone, even though on some days, knowing that doesn’t help. Martina, you’ve always been a huge inspiration to us. You’re one of the reasons we’re about to leave the US to teach English in Korea! Your spirit is indomitable–even if there are days when it’s hard to keep going, you don’t let it stand in the way of the good days. Your colorful approach to life and your drive to feel alive motivate us to try and enjoy the world with even half the spark and spunk that you can muster. We really look up to you and Simon (and da Spudgy and Meemers too) and we just wanted to let you know how much you mean to us, and please don’t feel like you have to apologize for letting your fans see into your dark places. Many of us have been there before and are there now–let us be a rung on your ladder.

    Love, Jordan, Sarah, and Wisco the cat

    9 months ago
  12. i just had to make an account so that i could comment this here…
    now, i know that this is gonna sound all dumb and stuff- but, i have been watching your videos for quite a while now… Well, that was until a few years ago.
    I watched your videos a while back, when you were still just eatyourkimchi and making all these kpop videos. I somehow lost interest and never tuned in to watch your newest videos. Fast forward to yesterday, at least two years later.
    I saw this video in the trending tab and had just the most powerful flashback of my entire life, remembering what it was like watching your videos and how much joy they brought me. I could not believe that i had forgotten all about you two.
    I am in awe as i sit here and watch this video today. All i remember from all those years back was the happy martina and the happy simon. there was no sign of anything like this, and that seems crazy. It seems so crazy because it’s so real, and i happened to forget that you are real people too. Viewers often forget that the people that they idolize are real people too, with problems of their own.You two have a way of making it seem like things like this would have never even happened, unless you would have told it like this. It was hidden behind humor, just like you said.
    Well, in the end, my point is this: i am so, so thankful that you decided to put out this video martina. i am so grateful that you decided to speak about such a hard topic in such a way. Chronic pain and depression is something that a lot of people can relate with, so i think this truly hit hard with a lot of people, including me.
    Thank you for being honest with everyone!
    (ps, i’m totally gonna watch all of your new videos now! i have a lot of work to do so that i can catch up, but i’m gonna do it! can’t wait to see what kind of adventures you’ll be having in the future :) )

    9 months ago
  13. I have never left a comment before, but I was so deeply moved by this video I had to reach out. I have been a hard core fan of yours, from all the way back in the day when Kpop Monday videos were a relatively new thing. I went back and watched your videos from the very first ones, they gave me such joy. I would watch and rewatch every day. It was a bright spot in the middle of a serious depression and life crisis that lasted for years. I was in a job I hated, a life I hated, having nothing to do with what I went to school for, living alone and miserable and isolated. I was like the walking dead. I have been fascinated with Korean and Japanese history and popular culture, and I saw how much you and Simon loved one another, and living vicariously through and your adventures gave me stregnth. I used to think – that’s where I want to get to, living a life doing what I love, around people I care about, having fun and feeling ALIVE. You helped shine a light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually I found my way up the ladder too. I am now a successful classical musician traveling between Berlin and New York, and will be moving permanently to Germany soon. It is the adventure I always wanted. And you are right- crappy feelings and “the dark times” hover over us no matter what, so why the heck not go for what you have always wanted?? Life is too short. I too told myself, I don’t want to get to my seventies wondering what would have happened if I just went for it instead of playing it safe. I don’t want to waste my life behind a desk job for 30 years. You are such an inspiration, you are stronger than you know, and remember you are surrounded by the love of your husband, family, friends, and this unbelievable network of fans you drew to yourself all on your own. Please don’t feel bad about slowing down on the posts and videos; we miss you, but I know for myself that the only thing I am thinking of when we see you less, is worrying that you are not feeling well or are having a rough time. Take one day at a time, cry if you have to, and then go out there and grab that God damn orange.

    9 months ago
  14. I made an account just so I could post this. First off, thank you so much for sharing your story and your struggles. Because you shared this part of you, I wanted to share something about me with you (it ends up happy, I promise!).
    I found your videos during the lowest point in my own life. I had just gotten out of a very abusive relationship. I had lost all my friends because of his controlling nature, and I didn’t want to hurt my parents by telling them how depressed I truly was. I’ve suffered from chronic depression since high school but this was my lowest point, I was hopeless and seriously contemplating suicide.
    I would lay in bed all day, every day, and watch videos. I was interested in Japanese culture and found your one of your older sushi videos and I loved it. I started watching all sorts of videos about your lives in Korea, the food you ate, and the beautiful places you visited. You both sort of felt like old friends telling me of your adventures.
    Slowly, very slowly, I began feeling like things weren’t so hopeless. You got me out of bed and back into the world, making black bean brownies one day, trying to attempt crazy nail art another.
    I just want to thank you for sharing your lives with us to make us happy, and I hope we can do the same for you. Two years later and I now have a full time job, a very supportive and loving friends group, a boyfriend who I love and who truly treats me right, and the best relationship I’ve had with my parents in a very long time. I still watch your videos, and they still make me so happy, every time. Thank you.

    9 months ago
  15. Martina, thank you for putting yourself out there for us. Sending you hugs and courage. You and Simon bring so much joy to my week. My mom has chronic pain and depression, and I appreciate hearing your experience and wisdom. You are brave and bold so the rest of us can be, too. Thank you.

    9 months ago
  16. Wow.
    I don’t have anything deep or inspiring to say — just want to throw one more rope into the pit, and offer one more rung for your ladder, in case you ever need to come back to these comments for some Nasty support. :) Your videos have made me smile in some of my lowest moments, and I’m so grateful that you and Simon have shared so much of your light with us despite your struggles with darkness. God bless! *Hugs*

    9 months ago
  17. Hi Martina,

    I’ve been a silent but adoring Nasty since you guise started but never commented, I suppose because I was shy. But with this brave, brilliant video, I wanted to reaffirm how deeply I love you and the work you do. The world you open to us is like a portal that radiates happiness and joy with crotch-thrusts thrown in. For those of us who love Asian culture it’s an amazing resource that gives us excitement for adventures to come, but more importantly your videos create a glow that makes us feel capable and happy in the moment. Even if we don’t ever get to Japan or Korea we feel the happiness of being transported there with you.

    I think for me, just your aesthetic is uplifting, so colorful and cute and funny. I immediately feel better when I tune in to you, and I can remember feeling that way when I was fourteen as much as now at twenty-three. I think what makes EatYourKimchi/Sushi shine is the warmth and safety you give to us that creates a powerful sense of grateful love in your viewers. We may not know you personally, but your personalities and creativity have been restorative to us.

    That’s why, sweet, delightful, funniest of chicks, I can’t help but want to punch your EDS in the cojones when I hear of how much utterly unfair pain you’ve been dealt. I’m just cut to the quick to hear about what you’ve endured. But I’m up to the brim with admiration for you. I think sensitive and intelligent people feel the darkness more keenly than others, and in this respect you’ve been saddled with a Sasquatch-sized turdalicious burden that emphasizes the shade far too often. And you own it miraculously. I have even more respect for your humor and your fierce commitment to life after hearing about your struggles. They were already spectacular before I knew of your past, now I think your attributes are magical.

    I struggle with mental illness too and understand the power and vindication that comes with recreating a life you want to live, more meaningful than it was before. You’re just divine, woman. For real. And you always look sparkly and fun. Thank you for taking care of me via the interwebnet for so many years with your awesome partner Simon, who is the Meem’s pajamas. I think your mantra is excellent and I continue to think about it these days.

    Take loads of good care of yourself, eat all de foods and snuggle lots. I have cried and internet-hugged you a few times over at this point so please accept a few more giant love squeezes. You kick butt! You have ovaries! (As opposed to having balls I guess). You the nastiest.

    Emi

    9 months ago
  18. Oh! Once you start talking about suicide I just want to jump through the screen and hug you.

    My depression comes from my bipolar disorder, which I share with my mother. I have the good fortune to know my depression will go away eventually (at which point I will have to manage the manic side as well.) It can get awfully dark, but then it gets bright again. A cycle.

    9 months ago
    • It helps tremendously to have someone supporting you. I have my wonderful husband to stick by me through thick and thin. Also it helps to talk to people who understand. For that I have friends who also suffer from depression, and of course my Mom. She’s like my best friend, and who could understand bipolar better than someone else who has it?

      9 months ago
  19. Thank you for this video. I know it must have been hard putting out this side of you. I’ve been in that dark pit too. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, because I hated myself. I don’t have any chronic issues(except insomnia, which can kinda?(sleeping pills) be fixed), so that just made me feel worse. I felt like I was worthless. I still do. This video gave me strength to keep going. I will try to build ladders out of my pit because you’re right. If I am okay with disappearing, I might as well do everything I want to do before I disappear. Thank you again for sharing this. It helped. At least for me. I feel like I can get of out this pit now. #buildladders

    9 months ago
  20. This video is so moving and motivational. What you said about adding rings to the ladder is what I try and do as much as possible.

    The depression I suffer is not from a chronic condition. I have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder l, which is a result from witnessing up close and nearly being killed in a school shooting in May of 1998. I watched people I knew get shot, and not all of them made it. It took me years to get to the point where I could even talk about it. I sometimes will randomly replay the event in my mind at random. But the small things in my life are what I try and use to add those rungs. I love William Shatner and his music. I watch a lot of anime. I play video games. I don’t have enough to afford and adventure so I try to find them in my life. But there are days where it is hard. I panic if I hear a siren from a ambulance, hospitals make me nervous, and while I am not anti-gun the sight of them can leave me trembling. Then in 2012 my mother, fav teacher, and brother in law all passed away within a month. So the rungs become less. But I started adding them back. I was a intern on a hilarious radio show where I had a lot of fun. I graduated from the University of Oregon. I played a nerf war for charity.

    Martina you are amazing and the love that Simon and you share is so precious. You guys have motivated me over the years so much with the videos, especially the old open the happy ones and anything with spudgy and meemers. I wish I could thank you in person and tell you how much you guys mean to me.

    9 months ago
  21. I’m not sure if you’ll get the chance to read every comment (there’s so many lovely notes here and on youtube) but I still just want to post my own response to this video in the chance that you’ll see it.

    Thank you so much for posting this video, despite how hard I know it must be for you to talk about these issues. I’ve been dealing with depression on-and-off since I was about 13 (I’m 25 now) and I know how difficult it can be to open up about the low points and even just the day-to-day struggles. I don’t suffer from chronic pain, but I’ve had days where I can’t get myself out of bed for no other reason than my brain has decided it doesn’t want to work with me today. I’ve missed events and things with friends because I couldn’t get myself to go. And a long time ago, I self-harmed. It’s so difficult to talk about, especially when there still is such a gap between how some people perceive depression and chronic illness and the reality of suffering from it.

    Your ladder analogy though? That was… honestly, it was so wonderful because it really is the small things that start to bring you up. A few years ago, while I was still in college, I was going through a particularly rough point and felt pretty hopeless. A friend suggested a youtube channel to me that she liked watching for kpop music reviews and korean food reviews and I thought – what the heck, if I’m going to spend too much time curled up in bed because my brain chemicals hate me, I may as well watch cool people talk about a place I know nothing about and delicious looking food. Your videos became a bright spot, a highlight of each week. It was a rung added to a shaky ladder and it made such a huge difference in my life, even if I remained just one anonymous view on a video.

    It wasn’t just the food or places you showed the viewers though. I have to say, seeing you guys try new things whenever you could – whether it be food or a new hairstyle or whatever – and be so much yourselves was such a boost. I love that you guys are unapologetically yourselves. Martina, I love that you continue to wear cute things and bright colors and have adorable accessories and encourage your viewers to be themselves. It’s made me feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and embrace the things that make me happy in small ways.

    Martina, I’m sorry that you have days where everything sucks. There is really no other way to put it. But I’m so glad that you continue to fight. I’m glad you’re surrounded by people and animals that love you so much and that you and Simon share your adventures with us. But most importantly, thank you for being a bright spot in the dark, a rung in the ladder, for so many of your viewers and for living so vibrantly.

    <3

    9 months ago
  22. Made this account to say I totally understand the “going to do it anyways even if it hurts more” mentality. After 3 knee surgeries (and still having crazy problems) I should basically not do any of the things I do for fun (also Dr directed). If I go to a concert and just stand still for 3 hours I can barely walk the next day (I have a knee sleeve that helps quite a bit, but it doesn’t stop the pain, just the dislocating.) People at work can usually tell when I played soccer over the weekend because I can barely walk, but I’ve never been more depressed than the times where I let it keep me from doing the things that I like to do.

    Taking my first trip to Japan and Korea this year. Going to do a lot of walking. It’s going to suck/be amazing.

    9 months ago
  23. Much love and respect Martina for being open and brave and to Simon for being awesome!!!I hope you know how much you are loved by us nasties. I have followed you guys since the beginning and your videos have cheered me up when I was down. Hugs to you both.

    9 months ago
  24. I have too many thigns I wanna say and too few ways to say them, so I’ll keep it simple.
    I have, for years, told you guys about how you’re beautiful people and how you inspire me and I enjoy your videos.
    This just adds another layer to that beauty. As someone who has depression, who has managed to start dealing with it on my own, I know how you feel and seeing someone put it so wonderfully into words…
    It’s touching beyond any measure and the genuine emotions you share, they bring out genuine emotions in your Nasties and your subscriber and while I teared up through this, I also laughed and smiled towards the end. You are amazing, the both of you. And don’t worry about getting fat, just be nice to your dothraki, eh? =)

    9 months ago
  25. You two helped me get through a dark time in my life. This fall was my first semester at college. Being away from my home and partner and having anxiety/depression really got to me and I began to isolate myself from everyone. I only left my dorm to go to class. I was starving myself cause I was too scared to go to the campus cafeteria. I lost 30 lbs in 2 months. So I decided I needed to start eating again but I was no longer hungry. This seems stupid but I would go get Chinese take out and watch your FAPFAPs once a day so I wouldn’t have to eat alone. And now I eat at least 2 meals a day and my anxiety is back under control. Thank you for helping me and saving my life. Love you guys!!! You both are so strong, especially you, Martina, you always beat the odds and walk to your own beat of the drum. You are amazing and so inspiring. Keep being you. <3

    9 months ago
  26. Love you too, Martina. *hugs

    9 months ago
  27. I managed to hold it together through the Martina tears and the hard time stories…then Simon walks in and the look on his face… Now I’m sitting at my desk at work trying to hold a well of tears in my eyes. T_T

    This is an extremely inspiring video. I’m lucky enough not to have chronic depression or a chronic pain/illness but like everyone in the world, I have those really down times that try to tear me apart.

    When I first went away to college ( I went to an out of state school) I had a really hard time and felt really alone and deserted and I went to that dark place. I don’t struggle as much with those feelings but I do still get really down when life is hard. I like Martina’s mantra – if you’re going to end it all why not do everything you want? I k now that it’s evolved to be more positive but the thought is still powerful and I think I can use it in my life. Also this: “I need to see my depression as a chemical reaction, not as a byproduct of my life” – powerful words. Seriously.

    This is kind of all over the place….but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this with us. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to share this with so many people and I appreciate that you think so highly of us to give us a look into your life.

    And to anyone out there who is struggling with anything – #buildaladder. One rung at a time.

    9 months ago
  28. Hello Martina,

    Thank you for sharing about chronic depression.
    Unfortunately chronic pain and depression come hand in hand and as you said, it’s how we deal with it that makes a difference.

    I’ve always been in pain, for as long as I can remember, only recently I was told (by my surgeon) that I was just “unlucky”, I have weak bones and no matter what I do to stay healthy and pain free, I will especially always have issues with my back and legs. I’ve had an operation on my back for sciatica in November of last year, a nerve was knicked during the operation and my left foot is not co-operating with me. Silly foot. Still on crutches and in a different kind of pain. I’m just looking forward to my nerve healing which will take about a year. Yay!
    I walked in to the operating room and came to with a paralysed leg (drop foot or foot drop in medical terms).

    I’m writing this coccooned in bed, frustrated and angry that I’m missing classes (I’m a mature student at a university in the cold and wet of England).
    Cold and wet hurts too.

    That’s not a bad thing because we need these times of coccooning or starfishing or curled up in foetal position kind of days. Not for too long though! Managed to give myself a day or two max before forcing myself up and out.

    What you do to live your life to the fullest every day that you can, I try to do too.
    And I fully agree with you. Even if we’re going to be in bed for the next week because we can’t move and the pain is horrendous, go to that concert you wanted to go to, have a few drinks and a laugh with friends even if you’re in agony from the chair you’re sitting on, climb the mountain, walk for miles…do it all! We cannot let depression win over every single time or else we will have done nothing.

    Suicidal tendencies were always there, they still are, but having younger sisters kept me from going through with it because we only had each other for support, I couldn’t just leave them alone in the world we were in. It wasn’t pretty at the time.

    I’ve tried antidepressants and personally it’s a big resounding no, just no.

    I used to hurt myself instead when I was younger. I don’t know what goes on in our heads sometimes. Especially in the teenage years. I don’t even know how to explain it, the scars are still here after all those years. I’m an old fart now at 31.

    We do need to have more people open up about these issues, it’s a big step in the positive direction of things. Just talk, on an open platform about everything and anything.

    Instead of getting angry at yourself for feeling depressed, just know there is only one way out of it, and that is to go through it. And you will.

    Depression is something that may always be there like a dark cloud, but it does not define us.

    Know you are not alone and that we want you all to live!

    I send you all love and hugs, light and positive energy! X

    H Zoë H.

    9 months ago
  29. i cried so much specially towards the end~ simon is the bessstttt !! thank you for sharing these to us T^T too much emotions i can’t T^T why do i feel like i feel you!?!? XD my depressed moments are probably nothing compared to martina’s and most people but, when i do, your videos are such great help! realizing that even the little things that we do can do so much <3

    9 months ago
  30. Thank you for sharing with us Martina. I am not one to comment but I thought you should know how big of an impact you have had on my life. You inspired me to step outside the comfort zone of the US, get a passport, and see the world. (I’m not kidding: Korea <-1st time abroad as an exchange student, Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, Myanmar, Japan, Philippines,Denmark, Germany, Netherlands,France,Wales,England <- currently reside as an int'l student) You two made a world traveler/expat out of me! I truly do not and cannot thank you enough, and I know I'm not the only one. Maybe on days when you don't feel up to your own adventure, you can think about how many lives you've affected and the people all around the world that are stepping off of a plane in a new country because of your words and enthusiasm. I know all of us in internet land want nothing more but to give back a fragment of what you have given us. We will always be cheering you on, so please don't feel the need to hide your pain or apologise for a pity party. Martina 파이팅! <-(I got that tattooed to my thigh last summer to cover my own battle wounds.파이팅 not your name ;] )

    9 months ago
  31. When you reached out to us for a hug, I hope you felt all the hugs from everyone watching & me giving you a hug right back. ~~~~~~~~
    Three quick things: 1.) As hard as it was to talk about, I really appreciated you talking about it & explaining the Martina way of looking at the evil-self-talk & how to give it the finger. It really clicked with me & I really, really needed someone to reach me the way that you did so that I can start fighting back, too. 2.) THANK WHATEVER POWERS THAT GOVERN GOODNESS IN THE UNIVERSE THAT YOU DIDN’T SUCCEED BACK THEN AT YOUR ATTEMPT. Both you & Simon are my Everyday Heroes because your videos =all of them, no matter how many times I’ve seen them= bring light to my life by just being yourselves & clearly loving each other & what you do. Thank you both & thank you, Simon, for being such a strong Dothraki Man Warrior & working out so that you can toss Martina over your shoulder, like a Man ^_^. You touch so many lives with each word you blog & blog as a Positive force in the Netverse & IRL. 3.) You know, that unfortunately, there are numerous idle, ignorant, vindictive & downright evil people who love exploiting “weakness” & pounce on anyone that they think they can shame or tear down. Please, please, please, please, please don’t listen to anything negatively said to you guise, whether it’s disguised as “constructive criticism” or is just openly & clearly an attack. There are more people who support you both that never write & maybe will never write a single word to you guise in any form: but they feel the same way I do. Idk you irl, but I sincerely love you both because of how you make me feel.
    ~~~~~~~~~
    Martina, I negatively self-talk myself every time I get dressed to go anywhere. I used to be much slimmer/sexier but Life happened & I can’t help comparing the Then me vs. Now me. I also lost my house in the market crash/Bubble Burst & was laid-off on top of that. I’ve yet to recover my confidence & I’ve lost the strong, positive person that I used to be. It’s been seven years & I have a emotionally debilitating fear of failure. I haven’t worked since. I know that I can try things & I know that I can actually do things, but my fears are so strong they turn everything around in my head until I’ve reasoned I’ll fail anyway & disappoint my husband, family & friends so that I won’t even try. It’s stupid; I know it’s stupid… But I can’t get past it. My stomach clenches, I actually get vertigo & nauseous if I think about it too hard that the only way I even talk myself into getting out of the house is by habitually waiting until the last minute to start getting ready & just rushing out of the house as quickly as I can so that I don’t have time to really worry myself sick. I’m a bit of a nervous ball of energy when I do get wherever it is I had to go, but at least I’m there. What you’ve said made me really evaluate what I’m doing & I’m going to try to put it to work for me. You did really make something in me “sit up & say, ‘Hey, that really makes sense'”, where so many other people & even friends have talked at me or talked down to me & have even asked, “what’s wrong with you?” & made things worse because it made me feel worse. Something in my brain **heard** you & I felt something click. I’m going to try & nurture it to fight my weak self & challenge my positive self to do better. I get you saying that you may never fight your depression down completely– I think that I was thinking that it’s something that I can “get over” but I get it now that it’s going to be there lurking just out of sight no matter what I day/week/year it is, so I just need to work with it & stop thinking it’ll just go away. Acknowledging that, I think, has changed something. I cried with you, so please don’t feel ashamed. I wish I could find cute bear clothes to wear & my hair’s too fine to take dye without breaking :(. Don’t worry about the vids in length or frequency: I’ll love you guise forever for how you’ve made my life more bearable & for all the laughs & tears along the way. Thank you.

    9 months ago
  32. Martina,
    I am sorry that you must suffer so much in your life, but I am glad that you have looked up from the pit and saw the light. Depression is difficult, I have been battling with severe depression since I was about 14 and I am almost 30. I know how it feels to be sucked down in to the void of the pit, and I am glad that you are slowly making your way out of it.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, for showing those that suffer from depression that we are not alone. That even those who appear to be the happiest, aren’t always so.

    Basically, what I am trying to say is that I appreciate you sharing this with all of us. I know how hard it can be to share these things with others, especially when you don’t personally know us. I am glad that you were able to start pulling yourself out of the pit, otherwise we would never have known you, Simon, Spudgy, or Meemers. Even though I am new to this community, your videos have make me happy. I always know that if I watch one of your videos you two will have me laughing and smiling in no time.

    Also, I want you to know that you shouldn’t feel ashamed of crying. I used to be the same way, but I have come to realize that I shouldn’t be ashamed of having feelings. It is a part of being human, yeah crying isn’t fun, but it happens.

    You’re an amazing and wondering woman, and I am glad to have stumbled upon your youtube channel. Continue adding rungs to your ladder.

    To Simon,
    You are one of the greatest human beings that I have ever seen. The love and compassion that is shared between you and Martina in this video made me cry, but in a good way. It is good to know that true love exists. I know that I don’t really have the right or that it may seem weird, but I want to thank you for being there for Martina and for not giving up on her when she has her “down” days. I have had so many people in my life say that they would always be there for me, but leave when they realized I am ‘damage’ (Yep, had someone tell me that). Anyways, this isn’t about me. Just wanted to say thank you for being a wonderful and loving person.

    PS. I know that neither of you wanted to make us cry, but once Martina started so did I. But the love between you two made me cry tears of happiness.
    OKay, seriously, I am done now.

    9 months ago
  33. Thank you for talking about this Martina. I also tried to end my life once. No one ever talks about their brushes with suicide and that makes it feel so shameful. Hearing you talk about it made me feel a bit better, like I’m not alone. Like I can succeed too. It means a lot to me.

    9 months ago
  34. Simon and Martina,

    I’m not your most dedicated fan. In fact, after watching your videos religiously for years I kinda dropped out in 2016. And then this popped up on my YouTube. And I remembered that you two are two of the very strongest role models that I have in my life. Simon and Martina, what you have done for me transcends words at this point.

    I don’t know how you do it, Martina, going out and grabbing life by the horns. Unicorn hair and godly orange groves. I don’t have chronic pain but I know what it’s like staying in bed for 24 hours straight. I even missed a final in my college class last year. But seeing this….seeing you, is so amazing. Amazing. Inspiring. If someone told me I could be like you someday….

    I hope we help you feel less alone. You certainly make me feel that way. Even after all this time. From the bottom of my heart, thank you and I love you.

    9 months ago
  35. Hello Simon and Martina,
    Thanks for sharing your experiences, I really feel that you will help people with their own battles.
    I lost my father to suicide when I was 20- he was suffering from chronic illness. Oddly enough this completely changed the way I saw my own depression. It’s really bad sometimes but now I will reach out to my support network for help and enjoy the good times all the more.

    9 months ago
  36. Hi Martina! Don’t feel embarrassed for crying. I’ve done a fair share of it too and sometimes you just need to let the tears out. Thank you for this video. It was phenomenally done. I was in a pretty dark place too last year (currently a junior). I moved from Chicago to Boston last year and I really hated my new school as it was full of really competitive, boring, and nerdy people. (I mean, I am nerdy too but these people study for fun :/) My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at the start of 2016 (she’s healthy now) and I had to keep two huge secrets from my friends. I ended up breaking down in tears when I finally worked up the courage to confide in someone. My thoughts turned pretty dark when I saw my mom crying and talking about the potential of her dying. She’s the strongest person I know in my life and it really shook me at my core to see her so miserable. It was really hard to keep all that stress on my shoulders. When I moved, I lost most contact with my friends back home and I made a few new ones here, though they are nowhere as personal and “human” as my old friends. I used to cry almost every night and I’d have trouble falling asleep because my face would be wet from the tears. When I just began accepting that I moved to a somewhat worse school, a senior at my school committed suicide. And to my shock, a very brief sense of community formed between my school of competitive robot people. But, as an alumni said, our school only supports each other in times of misfortune.They respect and love the dead, not living. I couldn’t believe that I had moved to such an apathetic town. To me, it was incredibly ignorant and alarming that the school dismissed his death as caused by academic stress and personal depression and attempted to make up for it by giving us a few days without homework. As if homework were the reason for it. The problem with my school is that the stress is perpetuated by the competitive students and the success-expectant teachers, while there is no community to support outside or personal issues. It’s so bad that we only have one “spirit” assembly every year and our homecoming got cancelled because only 14 people signed up. Weeks passed by and I began building a new ladder, trying to live a life free of others’ opinions. I got involved with clubs and music and made new friends. And just a month after Matthew left, another senior committed suicide. But this time, my school didn’t even form a community. He was mentioned once, as if obligatory, in the morning announcements the day after and teachers carried on teaching. I had a freaking TEST. Once again, I descended down a dark spiral of depression as I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if I had committed suicide. If a student who had lived here their whole life could be forgotten in a day, what would I mean, having only interacted with a handful of people here? I wondered if a third suicide, my own death, could be a political statement, a final catalyst for my school to wake the hell up and do something to fix the community. I dug myself out of the pit once again by rediscovering the things and people I loved and looking forward to the future. I reintroduced myself to anime and read manga in school. I started painting and drawing again and playing music on piano and violin for fun, after years of just learning classical stuff. And thank goodness I had you and Simon to look forward to every week. I love Japanese culture immensely and I’d love to go visit one day. I’m a lot happier now with slightly deeper relationships with my friends here and I’m really looking forward to college to meet new people. I find that talking it out and writing my feelings down really helps. And lucky you! You have Ducky and your piggy to talk to. Thank you for all you do and for making this beautiful video. Keep living life the way that you want to and enjoy every moment. Afterall, it’s your life, not your doctor’s. btw props to my man Simon proud of him for getting strong lol
    Love you and keep doing what you do! oh and sailor mercury is my fav scout! but dark lady is pretty kewl too

    9 months ago
    • btw RPDR and Steven universe are my favs! so excited for season 9 queens

      9 months ago
  37. Just wanted to share love as someone with hidden chonic pain and depression and lurker (since your adorable students trick or treating one of my favs) I want to echo the love of the Nastys! I appreciate you creating a safe space for people to share and relate. You’ve explained the duality of wanting to show only the happy fun side yet needing to be honest that you’re dealing with pain so eloquently. Not with fancy words but in a way that people can understand whether they can personally relate or understand someone they care about a little better.
    We love you even when you’re the guest of honor of a pity party or being adorably excited about something that may seem so simple. And we’re here to pout, cry, laugh, hug and learn with you.

    9 months ago
  38. I just wanted to let everyone know, that although I can’t reply to everyone, I have read every single comment that has come in so far. Thank you so much for sharing all your personal stories with me, it helps me feel like I’m not alone and keeps me determined to keep climbing. I’m so lucky and happy to be part of this amazing community of wonderful Nasties that have accepted me for who I am.

    9 months ago
    • Whenever you are feeling down, I hope that you’ll flip back to the comments here & read everyone’s stories & know that we’re all there with you in spirit. And, for every one of us that’s left a story or comment here, there are thousands — thousands!!! — of people hoping to strengthen your ladder & keep you away from *ever* falling down into that pit again.

      9 months ago
  39. Thanks for sharing Martina you are really a great girl since I watch you I’ve tried my best to keep my good attitude. Thanks for each video they are gifts for us you are awesome guys. Tons of love to you from Mexico City

    9 months ago
  40. Thank you for putting yourself out there Martina, it really does help those of us going through depression to know that someone you look up to goes through it, too. It especially helps to share how you deal with it, since I’ve been at a loss with how to deal with mine.

    I didn’t feel depressed until I got older, but I’ve always just felt super tired. I remember getting home from school one day, and I didn’t have anything on my schedule for that afternoon so I did what I often do, I watched TV while I laid on my mom’s bed. I remember wondering,”Why am I so lazy?? Why don’t I feel like going outside like other people do?”, this is what went through my head despite the fact that during certain times of the year I was crazy busy sometimes involved in two sports at the same time, and I got straight A’s on top of it, even though I spent half of each day at an advanced satellite school. But I still think I was exceptionally tired for that age, despite how much running around I had to do from my regular high school to the satellite school.

    The thing is, it was the kind of tired feeling that bothered me at times, but I just pushed through it and never talked to my mom about it. Now here I am, slightly older than both you and Simon, and whatever is wrong with me has just gotten worse. I’m also depressed because I went to one of the best universities in the U.S. and I’ve ended up in crap jobs, other than the very first job I got out of school that I absolutely hated.

    I wound up in a customer service job that I just couldn’t handle anymore because my health is so bad that I can’t talk straight hour after hour. My throat just can’t take it so I started feeling like the job was making me hyperventilate every day. I tried taking advantage of the Affordable Care Act at the time, but still couldn’t afford to keep trying to figure out some way to continue that job.

    I’ve had thoughts about just giving up as well, but something has always stopped me from thinking about it further when the thought comes up. I guess that it would be really selfish, because it would devastate my fiance, mom and the rest of my family, but I worry about what would happen to our three cats, too. My boyfriend has said he would probably give up if I did, so that also weighs on me.

    But your perspective really helped, that if you’re thinking about taking your life anyway why not just do the things you want to do? If I feel like crap anyway, I might as well at least get what positive moments I can. That actually is really, really helpful.

    Thank you again for making yourself vulnerable to help others out. I really appreciate it. I’m putting your advice up there with something else I heard recently, when that negative voice tells you that you can’t do something for whatever reason you get angry and tell it,”F-CK YOU. You won’t get to me, and I can do whatever I want.”

    9 months ago