Our Biggest Fight Ever – TL;DR239 COMMENTS
This weeks TL;DR is quite the gossip mill question…let’s all gather around the water cooler (or the Coway Water Dispenser) and talk about Simon and Martina fighting over stuff! OOOMMMGG!!! Last week, they, like…totally…disagreed about…that song…and Simon was like…”Ducky, you’re the best” but I could sense sarcasm hiding under that comment of…affection. *cough* Alright, so we don’t fight. It’s not like we don’t have disagreements. Of course we do, but we don’t do that whole dramatic yelling and fighting and rushing out of the room in tears and stuff. When we disagree with each other, we both maintain the perspective that we don’t want to be fighting, so we try to come to a middle ground or understanding as soon as possible.
The biggest disagreements we have are over creative differences since we both have different perspectives on scripting ideas for our movies. When that happens we argue like coworkers rather than as a couple. At first, it was something we had to discuss so that we knew we weren’t attacking the person personally as a wife/husband, but just as one co-worker being critiqued by another co-worker. It wasn’t easy, at first, because it’s a confusing and bizarre position that we’re in, but we’re used to it now…kinda!
If you’re having problems with fighting, we both read some awesome books on how to discuss things without causing people to feel offended, either close up, and/or explode. Here are the little tips we have!
1. Never use superlatives such as “always,” “forever,” “every time,” “never,” “constantly,” “not once,” etc. For example, if you are angry and you tell someone that “they are ALWAYS late” they will feel the immediate urge to correct your sentence since they will feel like you’ve over exaggerated, since maybe they’re late 80% of the time. They’ll defend themselves by suggesting that your accusation is not true! They’re not ALWAYS late. And how could say that? Thus, the whole focus of your point is lost. Instead of using a superlative, you have to practice re-wording your claims, for example, “I’m just feeling a little upset right now because we’re currently running late, and I don’t feel comfortable being late.”
2. Always remember that you are on the same team. Act like you’re teammates and you have to work together or else you’ll lose the game (the game of…Life?). Don’t treat your relationship as one-on-one, as if you’re on opposite teams, playing defence against the other person’s attacks and working for a different goal. Use terms like “we” and “us” instead of just “you”. Don’t try to bully them into changing or agreeing with you by proving they’re wrong.
For example, “I’m feeling a little upset right now because we’re running late. What can we do to keep this from happening again? Can I help you pick out your clothing ahead of time, or perhaps we should wake up earlier? What do you think we can do?” This is the kind of thing Simon would say to me (Martina) because I’m the tardy one. When he says something like this, I feel like he wants to work with me to help me be on time for the both of us. If Simon feels stressed out at being late, I don’t want him to feel this way, especially if he wants to help me improve myself.
Here’s how Simon could have said it that would have really got me mad. “I’m feeling a little upset right now because you’re making me late again. I’m always early and you always do this. Why can’t you just get up earlier?” That would piss me off. I know that I’m in the wrong, I’m the one running late and it is totally 100% my fault, yet wording it this way just causes irritation. “If being late is such a big deal, then go alone without me! ARGHHH!” Not a good way to start a night with two divided people.
3. Give two good statements for every one bad. If you’re having a big discussion where you’re bringing up lots of faults and problems about a person, it can be a pretty crappy feeling to have someone list all your failures. Instead, we rely on the 2:1 ratio. For example: “You look super hot right now, I love that outfit on you, and your hair looks amazing, but I’m feeling a little upset right now because we’re running late. What do you think we can do fat head?” Actually, leave that “fat head” part out, but feel free to include any other important cute nickname you use! You can see how it’s pretty hard to be really mad at someone who is complimenting you but still trying to help you improve yourself.
Of course, we didn’t meet each other and immediately start talking with the above tips. We both came out of different relationships that had left us with some baggage – as most people do when they meet new people – and it takes time to realize that the new person you’re dating is not the last person you were dating, so doesn’t react to everything you do and say the same way. Communication is the key. If something ticks you off, you should probably let them know right away rather than letting it build up to a random explosion. And communicate it without sounding like a screaming psycho because NOBODY reacts well to being yelled at, especially bears. They either run away or attack you and you don’t want your boyfriend or girlfriend to do either of those things.
So remember! YOU ARE TEAMMATES! Make up a team cheer! We totally have one which I will not type for you because it’s all inside joke gibberish that will translate very poorly, but whenever one of us feels grumpy or down, the other will sing it and it takes us out of our rut right away. If that doesn’t work, there is always interpretive dancing to Xiah’s “Intoxication”…can’t stay mad at ANYONE dancing to that song.
Now we’re gonna stop sounding like Dr. Phil. Thanks :D
Side note: this is gonna be or last video of the week. Turns out we’ve got more than just interviews to plan for the upcoming Google Kpop Concert, and we’re spending today and tomorrow preparing for it, when we usually spend those days WANKing and editing our WANKing. Sorry! Then we’re on a plane Friday to Canada, then to California on Saturday. Meaning: no time for KpopCharts, K Crunch Indie, or Music Monday either. This is gonna be the last video up for a good week or so. Sorry guise! We’ll be in Canada from Tuesday onwards, and we’ll be back to making videos then, though our schedule will probably be lighter than usual because we want to spend some time with our families. We’ll let you know more in the future :D