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Our Biggest Fight Ever – TL;DR

May 16, 2012

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This weeks TL;DR is quite the gossip mill question…let’s all gather around the water cooler (or the Coway Water Dispenser) and talk about Simon and Martina fighting over stuff! OOOMMMGG!!! Last week, they, like…totally…disagreed about…that song…and Simon was like…”Ducky, you’re the best” but I could sense sarcasm hiding under that comment of…affection. *cough* Alright, so we don’t fight. It’s not like we don’t have disagreements. Of course we do, but we don’t do that whole dramatic yelling and fighting and rushing out of the room in tears and stuff. When we disagree with each other, we both maintain the perspective that we don’t want to be fighting, so we try to come to a middle ground or understanding as soon as possible.

The biggest disagreements we have are over creative differences since we both have different perspectives on scripting ideas for our movies. When that happens we argue like coworkers rather than as a couple. At first, it was something we had to discuss so that we knew we weren’t attacking the person personally as a wife/husband, but just as one co-worker being critiqued by another co-worker. It wasn’t easy, at first, because it’s a confusing and bizarre position that we’re in, but we’re used to it now…kinda!

If you’re having problems with fighting, we both read some awesome books on how to discuss things without causing people to feel offended, either close up, and/or explode. Here are the little tips we have!

1. Never use superlatives such as “always,” “forever,” “every time,” “never,” “constantly,” “not once,” etc. For example, if you are angry and you tell someone that “they are ALWAYS late” they will feel the immediate urge to correct your sentence since they will feel like you’ve over exaggerated, since maybe they’re late 80% of the time. They’ll defend themselves by suggesting that your accusation is not true! They’re not ALWAYS late. And how could say that? Thus, the whole focus of your point is lost. Instead of using a superlative, you have to practice re-wording your claims, for example, “I’m just feeling a little upset right now because we’re currently running late, and I don’t feel comfortable being late.”

2. Always remember that you are on the same team. Act like you’re teammates and you have to work together or else you’ll lose the game (the game of…Life?). Don’t treat your relationship as one-on-one, as if you’re on opposite teams, playing defence against the other person’s attacks and working for a different goal. Use terms like “we” and “us” instead of just “you”. Don’t try to bully them into changing or agreeing with you by proving they’re wrong.

For example, “I’m feeling a little upset right now because we’re running late. What can we do to keep this from happening again? Can I help you pick out your clothing ahead of time, or perhaps we should wake up earlier? What do you think we can do?” This is the kind of thing Simon would say to me (Martina) because I’m the tardy one. When he says something like this, I feel like he wants to work with me to help me be on time for the both of us. If Simon feels stressed out at being late, I don’t want him to feel this way, especially if he wants to help me improve myself.

Here’s how Simon could have said it that would have really got me mad. “I’m feeling a little upset right now because you’re making me late again. I’m always early and you always do this. Why can’t you just get up earlier?” That would piss me off. I know that I’m in the wrong, I’m the one running late and it is totally 100% my fault, yet wording it this way just causes irritation. “If being late is such a big deal, then go alone without me! ARGHHH!” Not a good way to start a night with two divided people.

3. Give two good statements for every one bad. If you’re having a big discussion where you’re bringing up lots of faults and problems about a person, it can be a pretty crappy feeling to have someone list all your failures. Instead, we rely on the 2:1 ratio. For example: “You look super hot right now, I love that outfit on you, and your hair looks amazing, but I’m feeling a little upset right now because we’re running late. What do you think we can do fat head?” Actually, leave that “fat head” part out, but feel free to include any other important cute nickname you use! You can see how it’s pretty hard to be really mad at someone who is complimenting you but still trying to help you improve yourself.

Of course, we didn’t meet each other and immediately start talking with the above tips. We both came out of different relationships that had left us with some baggage – as most people do when they meet new people – and it takes time to realize that the new person you’re dating is not the last person you were dating, so doesn’t react to everything you do and say the same way. Communication is the key. If something ticks you off, you should probably let them know right away rather than letting it build up to a random explosion. And communicate it without sounding like a screaming psycho because NOBODY reacts well to being yelled at, especially bears. They either run away or attack you and you don’t want your boyfriend or girlfriend to do either of those things.

So remember! YOU ARE TEAMMATES! Make up a team cheer! We totally have one which I will not type for you because it’s all inside joke gibberish that will translate very poorly, but whenever one of us feels grumpy or down, the other will sing it and it takes us out of our rut right away. If that doesn’t work, there is always interpretive dancing to Xiah’s “Intoxication”…can’t stay mad at ANYONE dancing to that song.

Now we’re gonna stop sounding like Dr. Phil. Thanks :D

Side note: this is gonna be or last video of the week. Turns out we’ve got more than just interviews to plan for the upcoming Google Kpop Concert, and we’re spending today and tomorrow preparing for it, when we usually spend those days WANKing and editing our WANKing. Sorry! Then we’re on a plane Friday to Canada, then to California on Saturday. Meaning: no time for KpopCharts, K Crunch Indie, or Music Monday either. This is gonna be the last video up for a good week or so. Sorry guise! We’ll be in Canada from Tuesday onwards, and we’ll be back to making videos then, though our schedule will probably be lighter than usual because we want to spend some time with our families. We’ll let you know more in the future :D

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Our Biggest Fight Ever – TL;DR

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  1. TL;DR
    How much awareness of animal rights is there in Korea? (For example: many countries have on the packaging of cosmetics a small drawing of a rabbit which means the company is not abusing animals. Is there anything similar on Koreans brands? How can I tell if the company is cruelty free?) 
    Does being a vegetarian in Korea considered weird?

    4 years ago
  2. That’s how this world should be. There shall be NO fighting!! X3 Let there be Peace to all couples. NO FIGHTING IS THE WAY to gooo. Pika!! ;3

    4 years ago
  3. I always wondered a little if my boyfriend and I behave like a “normal” couple. we never fight, many of our discussions take hilarious directions and don’t make sense at all, we’re always teasing each other to no end and when we get all lovey-dovey it’s pretty weird. but after seeing so many videos of you two, I noticed you are just like us! really, there are so many similarities.
    so it seems like my boyfriend and I are doing it right after all *laugh* hopefully we will stay together for a long time as happily as you guys! <3

    4 years ago
    • God bless you and your partner. I love reading about these kinds of happy love stories. :)

      4 years ago
    • D

      Aww, that’s so sweet! :) I hope you two are together for a long time too.

      4 years ago
  4. I love the Harry Potter shirt!!!!

    4 years ago
  5. OMG you two are so sweet!!! awww

    4 years ago
  6. Hi Simon and Martina! For my TL:DR, I have a question about hair color. I notice in the K pop videos and K dramas that everyone colors their hair to various degrees of “bronze” and of course the K pop people choose whatever color of the rainbow they like at that time. Also, in the U.S., many Korean Americans color their hair. BUT, when I see videos of “everyday” current Korea and even in some of your videos, showing “everyday” Korea, I don’t see many Koreans with colored hair. Just the same black. How common is hair coloring? 

    Thanks you guise! ^_^

    4 years ago
    • from my perspective: A lot of people dye their hair….but it really depends on WHO. Older housewives (who are a little on the upper middle class) do it but its usually natural colors like brown, dark brown, maybe auburn highlights, etc. Young people dye their hair too but its usaully in teh natural spectrum like brown but there are a few who will go with a crazy hair color like orange, blonde, or those grayish blondes. But most of the teens stick with black because in Korea while you attend elementary, middle, high school, you can’t dye your hair. It’s the school rule. 

      4 years ago
  7. Coming from an immediate family where there are NO married women because they’ve been divorced, this is really inspiring and gives me hope that I’ll find someone and have the relationship like you guys :) Thanks for sharing!

    4 years ago
  8. have fun on your trip. 

    4 years ago
  9. i have one question! could u tell us how did u both met the first time? hahaha!

    4 years ago
  10. TRUE LOVE INDEED. SO JELLY. ; v; but super aww!

    4 years ago
  11. Are you guys planning to have kids in the future? :)

    4 years ago
  12. dear martina,
    as long as simon loves you can i take TOP for myself?

    4 years ago
  13. What were the books that you read? I would be interested in checking them out.

    4 years ago
  14. hahahaha at Martina saying she was so sad for 5 minutes!!!!! hahaha!!!!
    I SAY MARTINA’S PIZZA WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! hehe….
    and aaawww you guys are so sweet!!!

    4 years ago
  15. Forever wishing I end up with a partner like Martina. So cute. And puffy.

    4 years ago
  16. You’re my ideal couple haha. You actually make marriage seem like a good thing (my parents are divorced) and that is rare to see these days. 

    4 years ago
  17. omg you 2 are just sooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeeet~ <3

    4 years ago
  18. My ex and I should have managed our anger!!! Thanks for the advices! <3! 

    4 years ago
  19. You guise read Dr Rosenberg’s books?

    4 years ago
  20. this just makes me like you guys even more.  you cool! :D  

    4 years ago
  21. I don’t know, but you sounded (both on camera and here) like a fight is necessarily a dramatic and yelled fight. Very different things, in my opinion. To me the former is a very strong discussion, to the point that something must be done to surpass what’s seen to be unhealthy to both sides — kinda like a crisis –, while the latter is full of childish behaviour more than everything else.
    But maybe I got this wrong, maybe it’s a cultural disagreement.

    That said, I can’t even grasp the concept of a relationship where there’s never the urge to fight over different positions on a subject. I’m pretty confident we can’t control every aspect of our mind and body (or behaviour, whatever you prefer), especially the ones that touch disappointment, anger and overall aggressiveness (is this a word?). I believe being aggressive is necessary at some point(s) of our life. And by “aggressive” I don’t mean being brutal, but rather going straight to the point that you want or need to go, regardless of whether it will hurt the other one or not, when you believe it’s 100% needed, be it by the other one, be it by yourself, or both. Generally the last resource, I think.

    Don’t get me wrong, though; I’m not saying I disagree with you both (it’s not a matter of agreeing or disagreeing anyway). I accept the possibility of a “fightless” couple, it’s just that I can’t figure it out myself. I imagine it gotta deal with a LOT of self control, and IMHO way too much control, I don’t think it would benefit me in the long run.

    However, it makes sense to imagine this needs also a LOT of *good* communication skills, which you surely have. I agree completely with your tips, especially this one: “If something ticks you off, you should probably let them know right away rather than letting it build up to a random explosion”. This is practically the most important “law” of relationships (of any kind) I adopted for every one I hold.

    Also, I believe less stress nowadays almost certainly leads to happiness in general — even more when in a couple. So, even though I don’t understand you, I say: Congratulations!

    (Sorry if my comment is too confusing, English isn’t my first language, there may be something lost in translation.)

    4 years ago
  22. i read this and it’s really helpful! I think everyone should discuss their problems like this :)

    4 years ago
  23.  I’m really curious. Do you guys have Ex Girl/Boy-friends? If so, who? Could you make a video for that?

    4 years ago
    • Ha!  That’d be awkward:

      “I dated ____ from grade 10-12.  We broke up because of ____”  

      Yeah, that wouldn’t make for a good vid…

      4 years ago
  24. You two are perfect for each other ;)

    4 years ago
  25. i always think that it depends on the personalities. I think it comes down to this sort of thing – are you the sort of person who would still send ‘meaningless’ flirty texts to another person when you are in a relationship? (im not saying this is right or wrong btw – its just a personality type) cos if so – prepare to have a relationship where you fight alot. (this isnt the only issue, just an example).

    4 years ago
  26. yeah finally another couple never fighting! keep it up. 9 years married and still no fights… Will they break our record?

    4 years ago
  27. Last week : Simon #foreverallone with spudgy kissing him *-*

    4 years ago
  28. What would you say those those who claim couples build strong bonds or 정 after many non-severe & non-life threatening?! fights? Cuz I think that’s partially true… but perhaps doesn’t apply to every couple?

    4 years ago
  29. wow. 16 new comments were posted in the time it took me to watch that video

    4 years ago
  30. Thanks so much for the advice S&M. I realise I have a bit of an anger issue when it comes to boys because I feel like they don’t understand me, but I will take in these tips and hopefully relationships with improve now =)

    4 years ago
  31. Pepperoni and mushroom! XD

    4 years ago
  32. Is it weird to say this was quite inspiring…? For a lack of a better word lol
    You guys make great points to remember~ ^^ I hope I can end up in a relationship like that one day~~ ;D

    4 years ago
  33. TL;DR question:
    You guys explained a long time ago the meanings and usages of oppa/unni/hyung/noona and sunbae/hoobae. But what does one use when the person they are talking to is a stranger or someone they just met, and the person is not a sunbae/hoobae? And also, is there any other way of calling older friends without using said names?
    P.S.: I’ve read about the existence of -sshi but I have no idea when that is used.

    4 years ago
    • you should try talktomeinkorean.com. im pretty sure they already have lessons covering what you just asked.

      4 years ago
  34. Maybe you should talk about your exes. HAHAHAHA, I kid. :)))

    4 years ago
    • hahahahaha last week, my mother finally destroyed the last few pictures of my dad’s high school girlfriend…  Exes are MADE for married people to fight about.

      4 years ago
      • LOL, your mom is the boss!!! So what did your dad say? lol

        4 years ago
        • Ha, she found the pictures while he was gone so I don’t think he’s noticed (or if he even cares by now).  Though, if he did care, my dad is finally smart enough to not say anything at all.  It only took him twenty years or so to figure out that one…

          4 years ago

        • my dad is finally smart enough to not say anything at all.”

          For some reason, that made me LOL. HAHAHAHA. No offence to your dad though. :)))

          4 years ago
  35. I love your harry potter shirt, Simon!!!! <3 
    Hmmmmm, my TL;DR What do you guys think about entertainment companies not giving music and acting stars any down time between a slew of interviews, concerts, practice sessions, recordings and events that can last for months and months?

    4 years ago
  36. Guys, where is Namsan Tower?

    4 years ago
  37. I think the two of you need to sit my parents down and have a talk with them. Relationships… you’re doing it right, haha. 

    4 years ago
    • OMG I’m so scared of my parents fighting I actually run upstairs and hide in my room after dinner and leave the house as much as possible.

      4 years ago
    • ^^^^ THIS. A LOT. I can’t stand my parents sometimes ugh

      4 years ago
      • TRUE! My parents don’t get along well either, sometimes I even wondered why did they get married in the first place. -___-” 

        4 years ago
  38. Guise, if ever you fight, how does Spudgy react? Is he Team Mom or Team Dad? lol

    4 years ago
  39. yay~ will you guys do a meet up while in canada? ^-^ haha since i live in GTA  

    4 years ago
  40. My TLDR: What do you think about all that illuminati stuff?

    4 years ago
    • ??what illuminati stuff?

      4 years ago
      • EXO symbols in their MV. some crazy youtube people did this whole video about how if you listen to their music you’re going to hell. they also said EXO was using witch language…..nope nope that would be Engrish.
        they also broke down the ‘hidden meaning’ behind SHINee’s ‘Lucifer’. 

        4 years ago
        • Religious radicals will say whatever they can to get more publicity.

          4 years ago
        • Religious radicals? lol. Is that the upgraded version of trolls? lololol :)))

          4 years ago
        • True. And I so wonder, how come they know A LOT about Illuminati? Makes me think that they are Illuminati themselves. Although I don’t believe in Illuminati shit. lol

          4 years ago
        • r u talking about that aprilandwayne show? yeaa they’re pretty stupid =D

          4 years ago
        • yeah those people. i tried to dislike and comment but it was all in vain.

          4 years ago
        • I can’t believe they’d try to ruin unicorns for everyone…Seriously, unicorns are freakin’ awesome.

          4 years ago
        • Oh, I have seen those videos. Stay away from those. People are just riding, rather negatively, on the success of Hallyu wave.

          4 years ago
        • i laughed my ass off the whole time. i thought it was a joke at first. i really don’t think they understand Korean or the fact that the people writing the song don’t speak English so they mistake Engrish for “witch language”

          4 years ago
        • LOL, people these days, really. Gotta give them credit for making up a rather strong storyline. lol

          4 years ago
    • No need for a video for that one: 

      TL;DR – It’s dumb

      4 years ago
      • Please don’t do an Illuminati episode. I would die if that ever happens. Just. Fucking No. lol

        4 years ago