Time for another movie review! Hooray! Let me start by saying that we were super excited to watch this, and both super nervous. I cut out roughly 45 seconds of this movie review in which I talk about how much knowledge I have on Wolverine. I freaking love Wolverine. Martina loves Wolverine. We both love Wolverine. We’ve read well over 100 Wolverine comics, and we know his story line and personality very well. So, when we saw that this movie was going to take place in Japan, we were excited, because we know of Wolverine’s timelines in Japan. We know about Mariko and Yukio and the Silver Samurai and all that, and that story line wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t the best of the Wolverine stories. “Old Man Logan” was pretty freaking amazing, and the “Wolverine: Origins” comics were really interesting. A lot of Wolverine Vol 3 was great altogether. The story in “The Wolverine” movie, though, was just…lame. Not only from a comic lover’s standpoint, but also just from a…well just from a general standpoint. It tried to be a superhero movie, kinda tried to be a falling in love story, and fell short of both.

It wasn’t terrible though. It was watchable. But Wolverine as a character in this movie was so boring. I don’t really know what redeeming or interesting qualities he had. He saw Mariko and decided to save her life and get close to her, but he sucked at being a hero and he sucked at being a boyfriend as well. How did they get so close so quickly? I didn’t really see where the connection was.

He fought a few Yakuza idiots at the funeral, fought a few more on the train (and, I’ll admit, that scene was badass), but then the rest of his fights were kinda boring. He fought Mariko’s father at the end but it wasn’t a great fight. He fought the Silver Samurai bastardization and that wasn’t a great fight either (“Oh! Hold with two hands to make sword toasty!). It was just…meh.

But there was one part that was golden: remember that scene in the movie when he gives the fiancee 10 words to explain? THAT’S WHAT WOLVERINE IS ALL ABOUT. That scene really captured what he’s like, and that was the high point of the movie. The rest of the movie didn’t live up to the characterization of Wolverine from that moment. Ever see the Mel Gibson movie “Payback”? Wolverine’s like Mel Gibson, but with claws and a lot shorter temper. He’s freaking awesome. We saw it in this scene, but not really in any other scene. He almost felt like a supporting character in the movie, rather than the main character. Side note: I’m also not too sure how he and Yukio just walked into the guy’s apartment. Did they have keys?

I also didn’t understand Yukiyo’s powers of predicting people’s deaths. It was only used to create a fake sense of suspense when Wolverine was pulling out his bug, but – come on – NOBODY in the theatre was worried that he was going to die. NOBODY. It’s like bomb-timers in movies. ERMAHGERD 10 SECERNDS LERRFT TILL EXPLERRSERRNN! Pfft. They never go off. They just create a fake sense of suspense. Same with Yukio’s prediction powers, which were useless to the plot of the movie for Wolverine’s heart-bug surgery scene.

I am a bit concerned, though, that I missed out on a lot of the movie, because there weren’t English subtitles for the Japanese dialogue. I don’t think anything happened in there that contradicted anything said in my review, right? Talk between Mariko and her dad, and talk between Mariko and her ninja buddy. Do let me know if I’m wrong about this, though. I’m not fully set in my ways against this movie. Mariko was given the entire company because…?

Overall verdict out of the three movies I reviewed thus far: better than Man of Steel, worse than Iron Man 3. This wasn’t a terrible movie, but it wasn’t satisfying in many ways. All three movies have the same issue of having really freaking confusing villains who don’t make much sense.

Oh! And if you like these little move rants, you should probably subscribe to our YouTube channel, Open the Happy, which we don’t post to often, but we do from time to time!

  1. Looking forward to your thoughts on Thor: The Dark World, Simon ! (And maybe with Martina, too? :D)

  2. I’d actually say my biggest problem with the movie was the viper’s motive. The rest just about made sense but why was she trying so hard to make someone else super powerful? Also, her gradual outfit changes did not hide how ridiculous her later outfits were. I actually really enjoyed the rest of the movie. I’m not sure because I’ve only read one issue from that story but isn’t Wolverine falling in love a really important element of it? I’m actually really glad they did a movie in Japan because of what you said about him going there a lot and being fluent in the comics. Until now that hasn’t been part of the movie Wolverine character so it was about time they introduced that side of him. They had to show it from the beginning because it’s a film, just like they’re always doing origin stories. Stories about losing powers are really important as well because they show us these people are superheroes because they are heroes, not because they are super. Their super powers just keep them alive to be heroes a bit longer whereas normal people would just die. I agree about the stereotypes though. The moment with the historical ninja painting was a bit cringey :/

  3. This is awsome *lol*.
    I hope you do more movie ” reviews ” / your own opinions on movies…

  4. I agree i wanted to be awed and all that, I get what you mean, anyone remember how bad ass The Joker was, like no holds barred badass, what the heck was Logan doing? I was more surprised by the fact the he wasn’t killed earlier. It wasn’t too bad of a film but it definitely was lackluster. Mariko and Logan yeah just uncomfortable and confusing, geez why why cant we just have a Nolan thing with all superhero movies so that i don’t feel that i spent cash for nothing but something that could end up on (judging by the trend) Lifetime, yes Lifetime.
    OOOH maybe you should do Batman(nolan-type)

  5. I wanna see Wolverine with Cannon Ball… THAT would be a movie worth seeing… to me. ;o; And, eugh, Jean… =_+

  6. Completely agree with everything you said. To begin, I wasn’t even looking forward to this movie while on the other hand some of my friends where totally excited and going crazy for its release. But the trailers weren’t doing it for me. The story was sooooo weird to me. I know the plot was made up but it was just so hard to believe, you know? The back and forth between the Yakuza, Mariko’s Dad, Mariko’s Grandpa, the snake lady, and Mariko’s ex-love interest… was that all necessary? The robot seemed so out of the blue and the grandpa’s evil plan was so strange and lame. :/ And as you said, Wolverine had some REALLY lame lines, including the one where he says, “Sayonara” to the robot as he throws it off the cliff. It was so bad.

  7. Regarding the questions on the blog post:

    – Yukio’s power: she says she didn’t forsee Granpa’s death. It’s a hint that he is actually alive.
    – The original plan was for Wolverine to willingly give his healing factor. That’s why they bring him to Japan and put on the show. The convoluted bug+kidnap+etc plan was a backup and probably made more or less on the fly.
    – The deal with Mariko: Wolverine was her childhood hero (her grandpa would tell her stories about him, saying he was her protector), plus she has a thing for badass fighters (see: Hanada). For Wolverine: she’s hot and a shot at redemption (hey, Hollywood usually is very shallow with reasons for falling in love, which makes sense, due to time constraints and whatnot).
    – You probably know this, erm, but Wolverine is Canadian, so he’s not a ‘dumb american turist’, exactly xD
    – Viper actually takes her clothes off in order to remove the skin (she’s shown taking her top off). The skin is probably a means to show that she regenerates quickly. Possibly one of the reasons she understands Wolverine’s healing.
    – Wolverine IS made young by his healing factor – Hugh Jackman is kind of old for the part, but Wolverine is ‘eternally 30ish’, same age Granpa reverts to.

    Jessamine already answered all the others, I believe, so I won’t make myself redundant. :)

  8. My sister mentioned (cause she’s just as enthusiastic about comics and the actual details) that Wolverine has all his memories at this point “He’s acting like a lovesick powerless idiot when he’s at least over a hundred years old [cough twilight cough] with emotional issues. Even if you follow the movie verse, he lost his memories three years before meeting Rogue which means this is SIXTY YEARS ago[ish]” Basically this was years ago and he shouldn’t have been that dumb. Yea…

  9. Got to agreed with you Simon , I didn’t hate it but there where some moments I just wanted to scream and pull all my hair of my head.

  10. I watched the movie and they didn’t write subtitles for every time Japanese was spoken, so there are parts of those conversations that the viewer was left hanging.

  11. LOL. Simon, I just love your reviews so much. I haven’t even watched any of the movies that you’ve reviewed (nor have I cared to watch any of them…. I’m got pissed at the first couple of X-men movies because I was expecting Gambit, which is my favorite character to be in it but he never was so I refused to watch them anymore. Although… I’ve heard that he was a minor character in one of the movies that I didn’t watch but it’s too late now I”m already boycotting! /end rant/) but I’m loving these reviews! They are super hilarious!

  12. So weird! As it happens, I went to see it yesterday night! And in fact, there’s a big deal of japanese part that are not translated with the subtitles : wtf! Either you subtitle everything, or you don’t.

    There was 2 major thing that upseted me in the movie (other than what you’ve just said), though one of them I was told it’s because I haven’t seen all the X-Men movies :

    1) The poisonous girl AND her freaking green outfit : she was like a rip-off of Poison Ivy from Batman, but with no meaning whatsoever. Her motives for doing what she was doing were terribly weak. The actress, I didn’t care so much for her either, or maybe it’s the way she was directed, but her manners are just laughable or simply annoying, but not in a good way like “good job, you’re character is really annoying like you intended it to be”, more like “wtf is this character for” annoying. Her clothes were just stupid too : why does she has to change all the time (like, mainly in the few last scene)? WHY?

    2) Jean. It would be ok if it was like 2 or 3 times. But she’s there all the freaking time. I hated this kinda of scene where there’s a dream or a vision of a loved one that died and stuff. It’s not just because it’s this movie. But they over-used it throughout the movie and it was just terribly annoying too.

    The movie all together is just horribly written. I don’t know if the two writers did outstanding job once in the past, but they deserve an award for the bullshit job they did with this movie.

    OH, and wtf with Mariko and Logan being all smoochy and lovey-dovey out of… nowhere! There’s absolutely no build-up for that and it was just terribly stupid. I hate it when, even though there’s the Jean thing, a male main character (or hero) has a girl in every port. And it seems like that to me, but without a any kind of purpose.

    So yeah, I was cursing on my seat the whole time. And sadly, I have to say I prefered Fast and Furious 6 over this.

  13. Wow, and I have to sit through this on Friday… :(

  14. Here is another movie related question, Harvey “Scissorhands” Weinstein is demanding Bong Joon Ho edit Snowpiercer before he’ll release it in English speaking markets (article about it here http://twitchfilm.com/2013/08/weinstein-thinks-you-are-too-dumb-for-snowpiercer.html ALL English speaking markets. In the age of the internet, do you think this is a stupid move on his part? Personally, I think if you don’t want people to illegally download your movie, and you want them to pay to see it, then don’t back them into a corner making them feel like the HAVE to download it.

    • Agreed: Snowpiercer looks
      to be great, so it’s a true shame that it’ll be chopped up instead of letting
      the small audience percentage [from midwest US they’ll degrade it for]
      rise to the level of intellect ‘they’ believe it takes to view this film
      in it’s original form. [Poor form Weinstein!!]
      When this should be a credit to Bong & Rochette, etc., people will just download the original and skip theater showings :/ or worse, not know what they’re missing out on with the director’s cut…

  15. Haha ok, I liked the movie but I agreed with everything you said :p

    And yea that bullet train fight was great. Never seen anything like that before :D

  16. Watched the movie, so i’m gonna share my understanding:
    1) The Grandpa left his fortune to Mariko because he sees Mariko as weak, compared to her dad who is full of leadership and sense of ownership. He chooses Mariko so that he can become a puppet master behind the silver robot that keeps him alive (and younger?)

    2) Yukio will be useful in the future. We get an introduction to her character and power now, to prepare for what we will become in the future

    3) Mariko’s father, Shingen wants Mariko to die and make it look like it’s a murder by Yakuza. That way his name will be clean, he will get sympathy from people (2 loss in a row) and the entire fortune will fall on him. Back at the house, when he captured her, he said that he has no intention to kill her (not for now), and little did he knows that the ninja creeps are infiltrating his house.

    4) On the other hand, grandpa wants Mariko alive for his own puppet show (see point 1), that is why he is working together with Viper to keep her alive, because he already predicted that Mariko’s life will be in danger if he left her alone (This is why he called wolverine to Japan)

    5) Wolverine needs to be in Japan, because granpa wants him to believe that he is dying. He wants wolverine to saw his death. That way, he would not be suspected for trying to steal wolverine’s power. Wolverine wasn’t suppose to know that Granpa was inside that robot

    anw, for the other part, I agreed with Simon. I was quite bummed as well. The plot is not well constructed. It’s a mess. And clearly, wolverine can score better.

    P.S. I hope that answers your questions, SImon :)

    • Yes, but he doesn’t want wolverine to know that he wanted it, because he knows that wolverine won’t give him the consent (because he is doing it for evil purposes, and besides, the power transfer seems to be extra painful to me). That is why he called wolverine to Japan in camouflage of protecting mariko, but he faked his death and secretly planned to steal wolverine’s power.

  17. LOL at not bothering to censor each swear word because THERE’S SO MUCH OF THE SWEARS!!!

  18. can you guise review Pacific Rim? I kinda enjoyed that movie and I wanted to know your thoughts on that one, too! Kthanksbye!

  19. Good thing I am not a huge fan of superhero movies, because according to Simon, they all suck. XD

  20. Does Korea show English movies in cinemas (with Korean subtitles)?

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