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An Open Talk About My Depression

February 8, 2017

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Are you prepared for a really emotional video? Cause wow…this was a hard video for me to film.

I was really hesitant about sharing this with everyone because I didn’t want the end product of this video to be sadness. I didn’t want to share my feelings with you all and for you to leave the computer feeling sad. Simon and I have been talking about sharing this video with you all for a long time, and I think I finally felt comfortable sharing it when I was able to get a grasp on how it is that I deal with my depression. I didn’t want to just tell you all “hey I suffer from chronic depression.” I wanted to talk about it once I had the words to explain how I handle it.

We talked about it a lot, which I think is really important because you can often be caught inside your own head and not fully understand what you’re feeling. And that’s challenging, because depression is really isolating, even if you’re in a room full of people. If you stay inside your own head, you start to believe the things you tell yourself, as if they are facts. Without being checked by the outside world, you can fall even deeper into your own negative thoughts.

Those days that I was my lowest, I kept thinking something must be wrong with my life for me to feel this way. But the more I dug into it, the more I realized that I don’t really have anything to complain about in my life. I am the happiest I have ever been, personally and professionally, but my body and my pain is the worst its ever been. Even though I am mentally in a happy place, my body is sending out distress signals due to the constant pain, and that distress is wrecking havoc on me mentally. But it wasn’t always so obvious. I had to break down and scrutinize every aspect of my life to see if something was wrong. I looked at my job. Was I happy as a YouTuber? Yup. Totally. It’s the most fulfilling job I can think of. I actually think it might be the most fulfilling job in the world, if you have a kind audience (like we fortunately do). I looked at my husband. Is Simon doing something wrong? Am I upset with him? Nope. He’s fantastic and supportive and my best friend. Am I angry at my friends? Family? Pets? Co-Workers?…the list went on and not matter how much I searched for “issues” with my life, I found that I didn’t have any. This long hard look at my own life and what I perceived as bringing happiness or sadness gave me a feeling of both relief and dread. I realized that the outside sources in my life were not the problem. It was a problem I was dealing with in my own head. Even though I am currently living my dream life, living in Japan which is something I wanted since I was a child, and I’m living a great life here, depression doesn’t care what state I’m in, and has come along for the ride.

It isn’t something I can fix with money or lifestyle changes. And I think this is a really important point because a lot of people think that if they were millionaires that could have all the cars, houses, food, girls, guys, clothing, jewelry, and vacations in the world they would be totally happy. But that is just not the truth. I have a favourite quote from Jim Carrey who said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” Since I have come to that same conclusion, I realize that I need to see my depression as a chemical reaction, not as a byproduct of my life. It can feel impossible to fight against an emotional feeling, but you can do it. It is not impossible. You acknowledge that what you are saying is mean and untrue. You are whispering negative things to yourself, but you are strong enough to see those negative things and acknowledge them as wrong. It is the same as when someone looks into the mirror and calls themselves fat and ugly. The more you call yourself these negative things, the more you truly believe it. By stopping this cycle of negative thought, you stop adding fuel to the negative fire.

I still have days where I feel totally despondent and sad, but now I know that they are coming. Now I see these days are a write-off where I have to just take a bath, watch a show, or check out mentally. When I was younger, these days blindsided me. I felt overhwmelend and alone with emotions. I let them wash me down a river of negative thoughts. I believed all the negative thoughts I was having, and I would act on them. And…I tried to kill myself because of it.

That was really hard for me to say. It’s a deep dark secret that has embarrassed me and stayed with my for many years. I didn’t talk about it in my Draw My Life video. I wasn’t comfortable enough with it yet. I feel embarrassed about it now because it’s not a decision I would ever make again. It was a selfish decision that would have hurt my friends and family, and it’s embarrassing to say out loud because I feel like it was such a fucking stupid thing that I did. But I also know that it’s a real state of mind that people feel, a real question that they ask themselves. I’m glad that I was able to get myself out of that state of mind, out of the bottom of the pit. I’m more in control now, but it’ll always be there to remind me of where I could go if I don’t keep control of myself.

The amount of rungs I’ve added to my ladder makes it a lot harder for me to get down that low again. Back then, I didn’t have anything going for me. I was despondent. And all I saw was pain. Now I realize that these emotions and feelings must be contained and dealt with. I squash them down and deal with them all into one or two days, and do my best to not let it spread. In high school and university the feeling would span across days and weeks until I was an exhausted and sad lump of Martina. Now I don’t let it get passed two days. I think that is a huge difference and I hope once day to squash it down to one day. Hopefully I can get to the point one day where I can get it down to just a few hours.

I hope that my honesty in this video didn’t make you feel to upset. I think that we are all human and all deal with different difficulties, and I know that my difficulty is not the same as yours. But what I hope is that in sharing this video, we can all open up and share other ways in which we deal with our lowest days. Or if it’s too personal for you to share, and you don’t feel comfortable (because I wasn’t comfortable for years, and I still feel scared talking about it), I hope at least you can see with my example that, even though I have chronic depression, and I will never be able to fully get rid of it, I’m learning how to live with it and manage it. I hope that you can do so as well. I love you guise.

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An Open Talk About My Depression

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  1. I figured my second comment would be easier to find on the blog post so here it is. My friend, who has a loving husband that I had the honor to meet/work with, has EDS. She has a job putting up signs with him as their everyday job. What makes me proud of being her friend, while learning about the condition, is knowing that despite all the pain she had a baby.(Note this isn’t meant to be a “don’t be sad look at what others deal with kind of comment) Keep dancing, eating, climbing, surfing, writing, exercising, and doing whatever makes you happy because If she can do that and still be a boss a** b***h I know you can too Martina :)

    3 years ago
  2. Love you too, Martina. *hugs

    3 years ago
  3. Made this account to say I totally understand the “going to do it anyways even if it hurts more” mentality. After 3 knee surgeries (and still having crazy problems) I should basically not do any of the things I do for fun (also Dr directed). If I go to a concert and just stand still for 3 hours I can barely walk the next day (I have a knee sleeve that helps quite a bit, but it doesn’t stop the pain, just the dislocating.) People at work can usually tell when I played soccer over the weekend because I can barely walk, but I’ve never been more depressed than the times where I let it keep me from doing the things that I like to do.

    Taking my first trip to Japan and Korea this year. Going to do a lot of walking. It’s going to suck/be amazing.

    3 years ago
  4. I know this was a hard video to do, but i really can not thank you enough <3 SUPER INTERNET HUG!

    3 years ago
  5. Hi Martina,

    First of all I would like to say you’re awesome and inspiring and brave and amazing.
    I suffered a lot the past year getting over a relationship. Tried my best to be the best girl for him and lost myself along the way. Cried and begged and all kinds of embarrassing things. I stopped functioning as a normal human, quit my job, stayed home all day and my health was getting from bad to worse. But when I realize I might have been cheated on all along, I just tell myself I’m gonna be the queen of my life! I won’t allow someone to have such control over my emotions. I threw away everything, blocked him everywhere and start to talk to more people and know more people.
    Although I can’t say I have fully recovered but watching your videos really cheers me up and make me think there’s still so many things I wanna do.
    It will take some time for me to love again but I’ll keep moving forward!
    Thank you for sharing! You’re my inspiration!

    3 years ago
  6. Hi Martina, I don’t even know if you would get to read this… but I know for sure that your inspirational words saved a life today. We love you… and I just want to thank you for opening up your life to all of us.

    3 years ago
  7. I hugged my computer halfway through this video…

    After moving to Japan my joints went haywire and i’ve been struggling with my ligaments and just getting to work and being a responsible adult. Hug Hug times a million.

    3 years ago
  8. “A smooth life is not a victorious life”, and while most of us want a comfortable life, so few have it. And what’s the point of a smooth life, anyway? Your beautiful attitude makes you strong, and gives us nasties encouragement to face our own battles with more grace. We all love you and we root for you! I’m so glad to watch all of your videos, I almost know some of the eat your sushi episodes by heart (your positivity made a difficult time in my life much easier). Stay encouraged and beautiful!
    (and by Italian standards you’re not fat!!!)

    3 years ago
  9. Holy [baa], Martina. I don’t even know what to say. Thank you for making this video, even though it was hard to do. We Nasties love you, both of you (all of you? including Spudge and Meems). I suffer from chronic depression and an eating disorder. I know I personally have spent a lot of my down days bingeing your videos when it was just too hard to do anything else. My family and I are going through a hard time right now and this message means so much to me. I’ve seen a lot of YouTubers talk about their depression, but none of those videos ever made me cry like this one did. I’m going to try my hardest to take a page from your book (a rung from your ladder?) and try as hard as I can to make my life a little better every day, instead of waiting for something to magically change on its own. #buildaladder

    3 years ago
  10. I suffer from catatonic depression, almost every type of anxiety, ptsd, ocd, suicidal tendencies and a possible bipolar disorder for several years now.
    My shitty worsening physical health constantly affects my mental issues as well, when i’m in so much pain I don’t even bother getting out of bed at all for the entire day to eat or drink.
    When I was in highschool, my favorite teacher who knew about my condition told me to basically do what you were doing, she told me to write down small goals for myself, even the tiniest thing that seems insignificant, like getting another ear piercing, all of it.
    Eventually I listened to her, and I started writing things down, and I got more ear piercings, i’m sketching tattoos that I want to get, I started learning Japanese because I really want to live in Japan someday I planned that for years.
    I try my best, it’s true that we all have our downs, this morning I was actually weeping and screaming in my sister’s arms and wishing I was dead. But i’ve pulled through the day, I made an appointment to see my therapist tomorrow and then my friend came over and we listened to music together and made sushi and pizza and watched silly videos on youtube and laughed our lungs off.
    I couldn’t have had fun if I just gave up and went to bed for the whole day and kept feeling sorry for myself.
    I try to live out of spite, out of spite to my fears and my depression, I want to try and be happy and achieve my goals.
    I’m really sorry you’ve been so down that you’ve tried to take your life, i’m really glad you survived and i’m so happy you have your loving husband who understands and supports you, and don’t forget we nasties are here for you as well, don’t force yourself to make a video if you’re in too much pain, we understand and we can wait, your health comes first ♥

    3 years ago
  11. Hello Martina,

    Thank you for sharing about chronic depression.
    Unfortunately chronic pain and depression come hand in hand and as you said, it’s how we deal with it that makes a difference.

    I’ve always been in pain, for as long as I can remember, only recently I was told (by my surgeon) that I was just “unlucky”, I have weak bones and no matter what I do to stay healthy and pain free, I will especially always have issues with my back and legs. I’ve had an operation on my back for sciatica in November of last year, a nerve was knicked during the operation and my left foot is not co-operating with me. Silly foot. Still on crutches and in a different kind of pain. I’m just looking forward to my nerve healing which will take about a year. Yay!
    I walked in to the operating room and came to with a paralysed leg (drop foot or foot drop in medical terms).

    I’m writing this coccooned in bed, frustrated and angry that I’m missing classes (I’m a mature student at a university in the cold and wet of England).
    Cold and wet hurts too.

    That’s not a bad thing because we need these times of coccooning or starfishing or curled up in foetal position kind of days. Not for too long though! Managed to give myself a day or two max before forcing myself up and out.

    What you do to live your life to the fullest every day that you can, I try to do too.
    And I fully agree with you. Even if we’re going to be in bed for the next week because we can’t move and the pain is horrendous, go to that concert you wanted to go to, have a few drinks and a laugh with friends even if you’re in agony from the chair you’re sitting on, climb the mountain, walk for miles…do it all! We cannot let depression win over every single time or else we will have done nothing.

    Suicidal tendencies were always there, they still are, but having younger sisters kept me from going through with it because we only had each other for support, I couldn’t just leave them alone in the world we were in. It wasn’t pretty at the time.

    I’ve tried antidepressants and personally it’s a big resounding no, just no.

    I used to hurt myself instead when I was younger. I don’t know what goes on in our heads sometimes. Especially in the teenage years. I don’t even know how to explain it, the scars are still here after all those years. I’m an old fart now at 31.

    We do need to have more people open up about these issues, it’s a big step in the positive direction of things. Just talk, on an open platform about everything and anything.

    Instead of getting angry at yourself for feeling depressed, just know there is only one way out of it, and that is to go through it. And you will.

    Depression is something that may always be there like a dark cloud, but it does not define us.

    Know you are not alone and that we want you all to live!

    I send you all love and hugs, light and positive energy! X

    H Zoë H.

    3 years ago
  12. Thank you for making this video and sharing what struggles you have. Last year, I had episodes of complete anxiety and depression. Normally, they last a day. However, recent episodes are lasting longer. Lately, I’ve been quite depressed from searching for work. I know it sounds something minor, but the last 3 months of being unemployed have gotten to me, especially last month. When people keep telling me that “I’ll find work soon enough”, part of me just wants to scream in anger and sadness. I was angry and sad that I still can’t find work and have beaten my confidence down. Fresh out of school, and considered “inexperienced” to work in any company. It has not helped that I live with my parents and they continue to pressure me to work for government or that “your resume isn’t good enough”. Honestly, there are days where I just want to self harm myself. Lately I try to go out to the gym or out with my bf. I’m trying to avoid the desire to lock myself in my room as it would drag me down even darker.

    Now, I feel that I should be making ladder rungs. I am hoping that whenever I have these episodes, I’ll know that everything is ok, and that I should try to remember to remain positive and hopeful. Thank you for making this video. <3

    3 years ago
  13. I cannot begin to tell you how deeply this video struck me. I figured something was going on with your health and hoped that it wasn’t all pain all the time.

    I get it … the struggle, the fear, the crying jags, the depression. In other comments, I mentioned that I battled cancer twice. There were days, almost every day, when I just wanted to die … the pain was too much. Your analogy of a ladder is a great one. Much like Simon, my partner, Greg, lifted me up, made me laugh, and sought ways to help me see a future with me in it. Pain sucks. Chronic pain sucketh largely.

    I feel like you are a beloved niece and want to wrap you in a blanket of unicorn love and perpetual good feels.

    3 years ago
  14. Thank you Martina for inspiring us even when your down. We love you so much, we’ll always be by your side no matter what. Lots of kisses for you both. A special hug for Simon for being such a good husband we’ll be here watching you become a mountain #buildaladder

    3 years ago
  15. I have too many thigns I wanna say and too few ways to say them, so I’ll keep it simple.
    I have, for years, told you guys about how you’re beautiful people and how you inspire me and I enjoy your videos.
    This just adds another layer to that beauty. As someone who has depression, who has managed to start dealing with it on my own, I know how you feel and seeing someone put it so wonderfully into words…
    It’s touching beyond any measure and the genuine emotions you share, they bring out genuine emotions in your Nasties and your subscriber and while I teared up through this, I also laughed and smiled towards the end. You are amazing, the both of you. And don’t worry about getting fat, just be nice to your dothraki, eh? =)

    3 years ago
  16. Much love and respect Martina for being open and brave and to Simon for being awesome!!!I hope you know how much you are loved by us nasties. I have followed you guys since the beginning and your videos have cheered me up when I was down. Hugs to you both.

    3 years ago
  17. I have never left a comment before, but I was so deeply moved by this video I had to reach out. I have been a hard core fan of yours, from all the way back in the day when Kpop Monday videos were a relatively new thing. I went back and watched your videos from the very first ones, they gave me such joy. I would watch and rewatch every day. It was a bright spot in the middle of a serious depression and life crisis that lasted for years. I was in a job I hated, a life I hated, having nothing to do with what I went to school for, living alone and miserable and isolated. I was like the walking dead. I have been fascinated with Korean and Japanese history and popular culture, and I saw how much you and Simon loved one another, and living vicariously through and your adventures gave me stregnth. I used to think – that’s where I want to get to, living a life doing what I love, around people I care about, having fun and feeling ALIVE. You helped shine a light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually I found my way up the ladder too. I am now a successful classical musician traveling between Berlin and New York, and will be moving permanently to Germany soon. It is the adventure I always wanted. And you are right- crappy feelings and “the dark times” hover over us no matter what, so why the heck not go for what you have always wanted?? Life is too short. I too told myself, I don’t want to get to my seventies wondering what would have happened if I just went for it instead of playing it safe. I don’t want to waste my life behind a desk job for 30 years. You are such an inspiration, you are stronger than you know, and remember you are surrounded by the love of your husband, family, friends, and this unbelievable network of fans you drew to yourself all on your own. Please don’t feel bad about slowing down on the posts and videos; we miss you, but I know for myself that the only thing I am thinking of when we see you less, is worrying that you are not feeling well or are having a rough time. Take one day at a time, cry if you have to, and then go out there and grab that God damn orange.

    3 years ago
  18. Oh my heart! I’ve been such fan of yours’ for I think 4ish years now? I’ve been to your cafe in Korea. Sadly I never met you but girlllllll you just brought me to tears. I adore you both and I’ve had dark times and even though that I don’t know your pain, I cried right there with you. I <3 you Martina. You are amazing. And Simon, you are amazing too. #relationshipgoals <3

    3 years ago
  19. Just wanted to share love as someone with hidden chonic pain and depression and lurker (since your adorable students trick or treating one of my favs) I want to echo the love of the Nastys! I appreciate you creating a safe space for people to share and relate. You’ve explained the duality of wanting to show only the happy fun side yet needing to be honest that you’re dealing with pain so eloquently. Not with fancy words but in a way that people can understand whether they can personally relate or understand someone they care about a little better.
    We love you even when you’re the guest of honor of a pity party or being adorably excited about something that may seem so simple. And we’re here to pout, cry, laugh, hug and learn with you.

    3 years ago
  20. I just wanted to say something to Simon. It must be so hard to know what is going on in Martina’s life and to know at the same time that sometimes there is just nothing that you can do and you just have to watch it happen. I’ve got so much respect for you, and I admire you being able to stay positive and supportive. I haven’t ever been depressed, so that’s hard for me to relate to, but a lot of people close to me have been suffering from depression and sometimes I found it really difficult to deal with the situation. Having to accept that you can’t help someone is a very difficult thing. So is watching them suffer. There have been times where I was so frustrated I really wanted to throw my own pity party, but felt too guilty to do so as I thought my difficulties didn’t really compare to theirs. So just wanted to let you know you’re amazing too!

    I really hope that you two have many amazing adventures to look forward to, and lots of love <3

    3 years ago
  21. Martina,
    Yours and Simon’s honest and sincerity is something that has put a smile on my face so many times. I stumbled on your YouTube videos four years ago when I was struggling through a very dark time in my life. They made me laugh for the first time in a while, and I’ve kept watching because of just how special your relationship is and how much you remind me of the happy times in my life.

    I love that you call Simon Ducky, as that’s what my husband calls me (I call him Bunny), and your food adventures and midnight cooking has kept me company through many nights of frustrating insomnia and depression. I fought through a dark pit like you, and am very grateful for the support and love of people that helped me stay alive—even if at the time I was resentful of intervention.

    I had been meaning to write you the ol’ fashioned snail mail way and go see you on your last Nasty Tour in California, but life intervened and I gots two babies now that make traveling a bit difficult (although, they love your videos too, especially seeing Spudgey — “Boo Puppy” as they say).
    Thank you for being such genuinely good people. I’m sending you all my love and so much gratitude for your joy in life even through the darkness.

    Apologies for the sap :)

    3 years ago
  22. Martina you are awesome awesome!!! God I m crying right now… I watch you guys for few years now and you always make me laugh… I was depressed for a while and crying is nothing to be ashemed about. Plus you and Simon are couple goals. Every girl in the world would love to have relationship such as yours.You guys are superheroes. Plus you inspired me to teach English…and now I m a teacher and I didn’t even know I wanted to be one and that I would be so good at it. I know it is hard for you , but the things you did with Simon most people can only dream of… Even with pain you manage to live life to the fullest, girl you rock! Be proud of yourself! I m proud of you and I don’t even know you… and btw I m from Serbia. You have fans all over the globe. Thats something

    3 years ago
  23. You are so beautiful in and out, Martina. Stay strong and keep inspiring us to live to the fullest.

    3 years ago
  24. Thank you for your different view on life and depression. I’ve had depression for years and I’ve had suicidal thoughts but I was lucky to have gotten help before it got to attempts. But I started collecting reasons and outlooks on life to help me during my hard times and I’ve never really thought about it this way before so thank you for your insights, I’m sure you’ve just helped every single person who watched your video.

    3 years ago
  25. Thank you so much for this Martina. I have been watching your videos since your early days in Korea. Although I rarely made a comment, I felt compelled to this time.
    My fiance suffers from depression which I’ve been trying to be helpful and supportive with. It worries me to no end and at times can be very frustrating for both of us. Seeing Simon’s example towards you is so inspiring. Although I won’t be able to lift my much-heavier-than-me fiance up physically, I want to be able to up lift him emotionally. I’m definitly going to write out your quote of doing it all rather than doing nothing at all. I love taking trips places and we are aiming to take our honeymoon in S Korea and Tokyo later this year. We will aim to add ladder rungs with all the new experiences as we start our life together! Thank you so much Martina and Simon.
    -Shannon

    3 years ago
  26. Thank you so much for being so honest with us, Martina!! Depression is so real and so prevalent everywhere but so few people are willing to talk honestly about it. I hope you gained strength just by putting the video out there. In my experience, it takes a massive weight off your shoulders just being honest and vulnerable (even though i hate letting people see my weakness).

    I’m not a believer of the “everything happens for a reason” mantra, so I wouldn’t want to say that you deal with these things for a reason. BUT I DO think you are so lucky to have all of us Nasties to maybe sometimes put you in a better mood… and in turn, we Nasties are so lucky that we subscribe to two amazing people who we can learn from, be encouraged by, and relate to. So THANK YOU for showing us what you see in Korea and Japan and for showing us what it really means to stick with a friend/husband/wife through thick and thin (major respeck to Simon).

    I hope you find peace in your journey up the ladder. Sending you love and hugs!!

    3 years ago
  27. It is a hard thing to do, but thank you for opening up and sharing this. We all love and support you. I can really relate to this video, as I have a condition that will never change (amputee here!). It’s hard to get passed that idea that nothing can change it, that the pain that comes with the condition (physical, emotional, or both) will never completely fade. Since I started watching your videos, you’ve really helped me look at and react to the world in a different way. I took your mantra to heart and started telling myself to see the positives in the world. So I just wanted to say thanks, you guys have made such a positive impact on my life. Keep doing what you do, and know that people are here for you.

    3 years ago
  28. This video is incredibly brave and wonderful, thank you so much for sharing <3 <3 <3

    3 years ago
  29. Having to stay at the hospital right now, again, and having my 6th surgery within the last two years, your video just really built me up so much, thank you! It felt so good to hear that I am not crazy for doing sightseeing in japan even though my legs feel like they are on fire everytime I stand, walk or move and going to a club in seoul even though I have been doing sightseeing in asia for 2 weeks and experiencing the most pain I ever had. I didn’t regret it. It’s really hard to live with that pain every day but experiences like these, even though they make the pain worse, are what keeps me going. I’m crying in silent support right now, it is amazing how you deal with everything and still inspire people and help them deal with their own demons. Thank you so much Martina:)

    3 years ago
  30. Martina, I greatly admire you for sticking to your goals and dreams and working hard to get through every day, no matter what. It’s great that you can also be an inspiration to yourself to keep going, you have a very beautiful attitude. I know that some days can, and will be hard, and being strong in the face of adversity is oh-so hard, but please know, that wherever you are, there is always someone (not just Simon, or your family, or Nasties, or me) wanting to give you a hug to help you keep going. Your sense of harmony and beautiful dreams are contagious, no matter your mood, bad day, big pain, or complete exhaustion. Take comfort in that just by being, you are an inspiration to everyone. Take care that you care for yourself too, I know that it’s hard to believe that people truely care for you, even if they don’t know you well, but whatever I don’t know about you, I’ve seen enough that I’m willing to take on faith that it’s great, bad days and all. Simon, I also admire you for being able to bask in Martina’s glory every day and still stay so awesome yourself ^_^v

    3 years ago
  31. Hi! I have been following you guys very shortly, but your video broke my heart a little and I simply had to leave a note..Some time ago I found out that my DNA is all messed up and that I have cancer and will keep having cancer. I was told to remove surgicaly everything that makes me a woman, never again in my life go on sun and live in fear of scan results every three months for the restof my life. From there it wasa slippery slope into misery. One day I was having a particularly amazing pity party for myself. And while lying in bed browsing YouTube I came across your video for Sushi Saito…what followed was an epic binge marathon and in rhe past month I watched anything and everything I could because your videos were making me incredibly happy. And the I learned about your EDS and suddenly I felt so stupid…giving up on friends because I was sad, living in fear and miserable, trying to change everything in my life because of my illness. What I want to say with this rambling is that sharing your adventures gave me happiness and after learning about your illness I relized that life does not end, that I will cope and do all the things I want to do. I wish I could send you all the positivity and strenght that I gained from you two back to support you! You are two of the most wonderful people and deserve all the happinessin life! Simona

    3 years ago
  32. Thank you for sharing with us Martina. I am not one to comment but I thought you should know how big of an impact you have had on my life. You inspired me to step outside the comfort zone of the US, get a passport, and see the world. (I’m not kidding: Korea <-1st time abroad as an exchange student, Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, Myanmar, Japan, Philippines,Denmark, Germany, Netherlands,France,Wales,England <- currently reside as an int'l student) You two made a world traveler/expat out of me! I truly do not and cannot thank you enough, and I know I'm not the only one. Maybe on days when you don't feel up to your own adventure, you can think about how many lives you've affected and the people all around the world that are stepping off of a plane in a new country because of your words and enthusiasm. I know all of us in internet land want nothing more but to give back a fragment of what you have given us. We will always be cheering you on, so please don't feel the need to hide your pain or apologise for a pity party. Martina 파이팅! <-(I got that tattooed to my thigh last summer to cover my own battle wounds.파이팅 not your name ;] )

    3 years ago
  33. Best. Video. Yet. Thank you so much Martina & Simon. As a fellow sufferer of an invisible disease with no cure, and depression and anxiety, I can’t express how much this means to me.

    For all of us Martinas who suffer and have planned our exits from this world, written letters to our families, and then climbed back out of that hell…never give up <3

    For all those Simons that care for us and love us unconditionally and tirelessly and always stay beside us..thank you always <3

    3 years ago
  34. Thank you for this video!
    It immediately made me cry, because I feel with you, because I know exact what it feels like, because I need more rungs in my ladder and because I was so proud of you to share it.
    Depression is something that’s hard to explain if you haven’t experienced it and I am so glad that there are so many people here who are with you either way.
    Seeing your pink hair and the orange in the background, knowing there he your tiny garden as well and Simon near you, was one of the most positive things I have seen.
    You are so right, the memories will stay and I’m a little sad that i didn’t come to this conclusion when I was younger and trying to end it.
    But it’s never too late, right?
    On my way to great memories ❤️
    Love you guys
    #buildaladder

    3 years ago
  35. Thank you for Sharing this with us. We all Love you and are with you all the Time. <3

    3 years ago
  36. Hi Martina,

    I do not have depression but my best friend (of 15 years) does. Last year he suddenly went MIA and stopped talking to me for 3 months. No replies to calls, texts, or even when I went over to his house.

    He’s come out of the pit since then, but during that time I researched scientific journals, articles, and basically anything I could to try to understand what depression is and why my friend had ceased all communication. It was a difficult period not only for him, but for me too.

    Thank you for making this video because I’m sure it took a long time to understand and manage your depression. The more exposure this topic gets, the less people will feel stigmatized, and reach for help.

    3 years ago
  37. Thank you. That took a LOT of courage and I thank you for doing it. I hadn’t realized when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis at the age of 29 that depression was something at nearly always goes hand in hand with chonic pain. Small Pity parties are okay now and again…it is the pity orgies you have to watch out for! Those…wowser, those can get outta control! Again thank you for showing us your whole person, not just the sanitized, rated happy-go-lucky side! And Simon, you are a GOOD man, who I consider a role model for boys/young men. THank you both.

    #buildaladder Hell yeah.

    3 years ago
  38. Martina, thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share this with us. I know that it’s not easy to talk about mental illness and depression especially given our society and your position as a public figure, but it’s really important to talk about these things and remove the stigma. It’s brave of you to share your journey and lots of people will be able to relate to you (myself included). Keep this sort of discussion going, because it could save someone’s life.
    We love you and support you, and we are all here together as a big NASTY family!

    3 years ago
  39. Hi Martina, THANK YOU for this video. For your honesty and for allowing yourself to be vulnerable to help others. That takes a whole special lot of brave, especially when you are so well known for staying on the positive side of things.

    For a long time, I’ve wanted to write to you because you and Simon had helped me out a great deal with my own marriage. My husband Joey had suffered from chronic pain due to several botched up GI surgeries, cancer, replaced hip, tons of hospitalizations, just a lot of stuff. Our lives were in turmoil, just as one thing got better another health issue would crop up. He said the pain would be so bad on some days that he’d commit suicide if it weren’t for his religious beliefs and me. Just hearing that froze me in my tracks. I couldn’t always see how bad things were, he hid them from me, well.

    The last 10 years had been really challenging and when we needed a pick-me-up, we’d watch your videos! It was especially important to us because with everything going on, we’d sometimes forget that we were a team. Seeing you both, even in edited form, reminded us that no matter what, we had to be there for each other, even when his body was giving out on him. You guys are just so damn sweet together. We knew marriages aren’t always that perfect but it was always nice to see two people in love, showing us the happier side of things – Thank you, again.

    Unfortunately, he passed away four weeks ago. He developed something called ITP out of nowhere. Within a week of going into the hospital, he was gone – The whole taking him off of life support and everything nightmare. I was in total shock in the first couple of weeks. But as I “woke” up out of the shock, the crushing feeling of him being gone can be too much for me to handle. However, I’m doing everything I can to stay positive. I let myself cry when I need to, I don’t try to stop it, anymore. Grief happens. But I refuse to wallow in this. I want to be happy because he’d never want me to be sad over him, for any reason. The one thing about having a spouse with a serious medical condition(s) is that we have no choice as the supporting spouse to become stronger – mentally and physically. The only other option is to break and what good is that to anyone? Joey taught me inadvertently to be stronger, to focus more on important matters and that life is fragile, enjoy as much of it, as quickly as you can.

    Today (While *ahem* working), I thought, hey I’m feeling kinda low, let’s see what Simon and Martina are up to! And I saw this video. And no, it didn’t depress me. You once again helped! It’s good to see and know how someone else gets thru the day when things aren’t always bright and sunny. I don’t think there is anything wrong whatsoever in knowing someone’s full gamut of emotions. It’s normal and what makes us human. Even tho’ it’s highly personal and we don’t always want everyone to know the darker side, yet completely hiding it isn’t always a positive.

    I’m still not able to look too far into the future because my Joey won’t be there with me, it stings a bit. I have made plans with friends within the next few months – Something I wasn’t able to do as his caregiver. I have a new chapter to start writing in my book. I can still look back and see the life I had with Joey, the ups, the downs, the fantasically silly times we shared. It’s all there, still. And I hope that the chapters you continue to write in your book will always be exciting and fun and that in the moment you can enjoy them as best as you can and someday look back at everything fondly.

    Many, many, many gentle hugs to you and Simon. Thank you for being so inspiring and just so kick ass. :)

    3 years ago
  40. Oh! Once you start talking about suicide I just want to jump through the screen and hug you.

    My depression comes from my bipolar disorder, which I share with my mother. I have the good fortune to know my depression will go away eventually (at which point I will have to manage the manic side as well.) It can get awfully dark, but then it gets bright again. A cycle.

    3 years ago
    • It helps tremendously to have someone supporting you. I have my wonderful husband to stick by me through thick and thin. Also it helps to talk to people who understand. For that I have friends who also suffer from depression, and of course my Mom. She’s like my best friend, and who could understand bipolar better than someone else who has it?

      3 years ago