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An Open Talk About My Depression

February 8, 2017

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Are you prepared for a really emotional video? Cause wow…this was a hard video for me to film.

I was really hesitant about sharing this with everyone because I didn’t want the end product of this video to be sadness. I didn’t want to share my feelings with you all and for you to leave the computer feeling sad. Simon and I have been talking about sharing this video with you all for a long time, and I think I finally felt comfortable sharing it when I was able to get a grasp on how it is that I deal with my depression. I didn’t want to just tell you all “hey I suffer from chronic depression.” I wanted to talk about it once I had the words to explain how I handle it.

We talked about it a lot, which I think is really important because you can often be caught inside your own head and not fully understand what you’re feeling. And that’s challenging, because depression is really isolating, even if you’re in a room full of people. If you stay inside your own head, you start to believe the things you tell yourself, as if they are facts. Without being checked by the outside world, you can fall even deeper into your own negative thoughts.

Those days that I was my lowest, I kept thinking something must be wrong with my life for me to feel this way. But the more I dug into it, the more I realized that I don’t really have anything to complain about in my life. I am the happiest I have ever been, personally and professionally, but my body and my pain is the worst its ever been. Even though I am mentally in a happy place, my body is sending out distress signals due to the constant pain, and that distress is wrecking havoc on me mentally. But it wasn’t always so obvious. I had to break down and scrutinize every aspect of my life to see if something was wrong. I looked at my job. Was I happy as a YouTuber? Yup. Totally. It’s the most fulfilling job I can think of. I actually think it might be the most fulfilling job in the world, if you have a kind audience (like we fortunately do). I looked at my husband. Is Simon doing something wrong? Am I upset with him? Nope. He’s fantastic and supportive and my best friend. Am I angry at my friends? Family? Pets? Co-Workers?…the list went on and not matter how much I searched for “issues” with my life, I found that I didn’t have any. This long hard look at my own life and what I perceived as bringing happiness or sadness gave me a feeling of both relief and dread. I realized that the outside sources in my life were not the problem. It was a problem I was dealing with in my own head. Even though I am currently living my dream life, living in Japan which is something I wanted since I was a child, and I’m living a great life here, depression doesn’t care what state I’m in, and has come along for the ride.

It isn’t something I can fix with money or lifestyle changes. And I think this is a really important point because a lot of people think that if they were millionaires that could have all the cars, houses, food, girls, guys, clothing, jewelry, and vacations in the world they would be totally happy. But that is just not the truth. I have a favourite quote from Jim Carrey who said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” Since I have come to that same conclusion, I realize that I need to see my depression as a chemical reaction, not as a byproduct of my life. It can feel impossible to fight against an emotional feeling, but you can do it. It is not impossible. You acknowledge that what you are saying is mean and untrue. You are whispering negative things to yourself, but you are strong enough to see those negative things and acknowledge them as wrong. It is the same as when someone looks into the mirror and calls themselves fat and ugly. The more you call yourself these negative things, the more you truly believe it. By stopping this cycle of negative thought, you stop adding fuel to the negative fire.

I still have days where I feel totally despondent and sad, but now I know that they are coming. Now I see these days are a write-off where I have to just take a bath, watch a show, or check out mentally. When I was younger, these days blindsided me. I felt overhwmelend and alone with emotions. I let them wash me down a river of negative thoughts. I believed all the negative thoughts I was having, and I would act on them. And…I tried to kill myself because of it.

That was really hard for me to say. It’s a deep dark secret that has embarrassed me and stayed with my for many years. I didn’t talk about it in my Draw My Life video. I wasn’t comfortable enough with it yet. I feel embarrassed about it now because it’s not a decision I would ever make again. It was a selfish decision that would have hurt my friends and family, and it’s embarrassing to say out loud because I feel like it was such a fucking stupid thing that I did. But I also know that it’s a real state of mind that people feel, a real question that they ask themselves. I’m glad that I was able to get myself out of that state of mind, out of the bottom of the pit. I’m more in control now, but it’ll always be there to remind me of where I could go if I don’t keep control of myself.

The amount of rungs I’ve added to my ladder makes it a lot harder for me to get down that low again. Back then, I didn’t have anything going for me. I was despondent. And all I saw was pain. Now I realize that these emotions and feelings must be contained and dealt with. I squash them down and deal with them all into one or two days, and do my best to not let it spread. In high school and university the feeling would span across days and weeks until I was an exhausted and sad lump of Martina. Now I don’t let it get passed two days. I think that is a huge difference and I hope once day to squash it down to one day. Hopefully I can get to the point one day where I can get it down to just a few hours.

I hope that my honesty in this video didn’t make you feel to upset. I think that we are all human and all deal with different difficulties, and I know that my difficulty is not the same as yours. But what I hope is that in sharing this video, we can all open up and share other ways in which we deal with our lowest days. Or if it’s too personal for you to share, and you don’t feel comfortable (because I wasn’t comfortable for years, and I still feel scared talking about it), I hope at least you can see with my example that, even though I have chronic depression, and I will never be able to fully get rid of it, I’m learning how to live with it and manage it. I hope that you can do so as well. I love you guise.

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An Open Talk About My Depression

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  1. ok, obviously, i am crying. Martina. You are the conqueror so far. And you know it. i can only say it through my experience… but.. here you go..You will never forget the “MOMENT” of the truth when you realise that this is for real. The “MOMENT” might have been only several minutes more or less. It “smells” and you heard the “soundlessness” and “lifelessness of the colour/s of your entire world.” and you heard “the moment beyond time ticking” and (in my case) I felt “me” in that “moment” so clearly and I truly felt my existence for a short moment. To me, that kinda moment came to me about 20 years ago. and felt so alone. So dark. So fearful and panicking. It was the 1st time in my life that my “life” asked me two damn simple questions. “Where do you wanna go?” and “How much you want to risk?” (just like a new song by chainsmoker and coldplay!! haha!. :D ) My life was not expecting me to be a super human nor important people after all. My universe started expanding in the speed of light ever since. i really believe that yours too, Martina (I’m just guessing :D). As you already know…..It was “The moment” I have decided to defeat these f**kin’ monsters with total commitment to co-exisit for F**kin’ ever and ever and ever”. I could die tomorrow but I know now for sure that I fought and fought and fought. And Lived and lived and lived. We are freaking true warriors. Our voice may not be heard in this busy traffic and strong wind but I know, wherever, whenever and however you are… Martina was/is the true warrior of this modern history of us humans and the universe. oh yea. Let us cerebrate! and thank you so much for sharing. Much love to you and your greatest man simon and Dan. :)))

    2 years ago
  2. Martina, it breaks my heart to know you’re in pain. Have you considered trying stem cell therapy? I know it can be expensive, but if you made a GoFundMe I know SO MANY people would donate, myself included.

    3 years ago
  3. Thanks for sharing Martina you are really a great girl since I watch you I’ve tried my best to keep my good attitude. Thanks for each video they are gifts for us you are awesome guys. Tons of love to you from Mexico City

    3 years ago
  4. Thank you so much for making and posting this video. I feel like depression is a topic that people still do not like to talk about, but from the comments here alone, clearly it is something a lot of people are experiencing. Pretending like it doesn’t exist only makes those experiencing the symptoms feel alienated and more depressed. So really, thank you.
    I find your positive attitude contagious and your videos always brighten my day. But sometimes when the dark thoughts, hopelessness, anxieties, and sadness begins to creep in, I start to feel like a failure as a person. And I get mad at myself for not being able to lift myself up and feel happy again. So knowing that someone else has those same bad days is comforting in a way. I wish people would be more open that bad days are inevitable, but as you said, they shouldn’t take away from the good days. Please keep being your awesome, amazing self! The world is a better place with Martina in it!!

    3 years ago
  5. Red

    Martina, i’ve followed you guys for so long and i admire you so much, for being able to still stand above all of your problems.
    My family had a rough patch and things are not simple, im starting to fight to get my own business, and sometimes i feel like im not good enough to carry on with it, having people working for me and that im so afraid to disappoint, but hey, knowing that you could overcome something as difficult as EDS, gets me thinking, gets me going.
    You are a true inspiration, i’ve cried when you guys moved to japan and i’ve cried seeing you cry… im sure so many people feel heartbroken to see you sad but you must also know that everyone commenting here also feels inspired and warmed by your words.
    Love from Peru!

    3 years ago
  6. I think you’re amazing and very courageous. This has been a *super inspirational party*, not a pity party. I’d love to come next time and have a chance to send love your way. I’ll bring some healthy options because I am a party pooper, haha.

    I just love your attitude. I try to have the same attitude with my own chronic illness, although mine is much less heavy than yours. I try to hold onto that “life’s too short, better a life lived than a life wasted” kind of attitude because I could relapse at any time and lose my ability to walk, or develop untreatable encephalitis in the absolute worst case scenario. I reason that because of this there is no reason to work towards the best possible version of myself. First I lost a lot of weight through a keto diet because I didn’t want to be overweight. I’ve lost 52kg now, with another 25kg to go, and I feel twice as healthy as I felt before. I previously wore all black (because black is slimming), but now I am wearing colours and cute accessories. I am learning to apply eye makeup, and wore green eyeliner today. I’m considering dyeing the lower portion of my hair a bright colour. Because why not?

    I’m finding joy in parts of my life which were boring or lacking vibrancy through the power of stickers and stuffed toys, Ouran Host Club and Sailor Moon, BIGBANG and Boards of Canada. I’m seeking new experiences because I want to look back on my life when I’m old and go, “remember when we took a super cheap 2-day trip to Korea on a whim just to try naengmyeon?” or “remember when we ate whole baby squids at that Michelin starred restaurant in Gion?”. Life is short for others’ expectations of paying off a mortgage, having kids and eventually dying in the town I was born in.

    I am the happiest me possible right now, inspired by you. Thank you so much <3

    3 years ago
  7. Hey Martina (and Simon). I think it was amazing and brave of you to record this video. I’m lucky enough not to have chronic pain or depression, though I do have some anxiety issues that bother me. I am seeing a therapist every other week to work on that. This video really touched me, it was so personal and open and raw. I think the nasty community already had a pretty okay glimpse into your guys’ life, and now we know so much more. Kudos to Simon for working out hard so he can carry you around. Hope it’s not weird to say- but I love you both. Keep up the hard work.

    3 years ago
  8. Thank you for putting yourself out there Martina, it really does help those of us going through depression to know that someone you look up to goes through it, too. It especially helps to share how you deal with it, since I’ve been at a loss with how to deal with mine.

    I didn’t feel depressed until I got older, but I’ve always just felt super tired. I remember getting home from school one day, and I didn’t have anything on my schedule for that afternoon so I did what I often do, I watched TV while I laid on my mom’s bed. I remember wondering,”Why am I so lazy?? Why don’t I feel like going outside like other people do?”, this is what went through my head despite the fact that during certain times of the year I was crazy busy sometimes involved in two sports at the same time, and I got straight A’s on top of it, even though I spent half of each day at an advanced satellite school. But I still think I was exceptionally tired for that age, despite how much running around I had to do from my regular high school to the satellite school.

    The thing is, it was the kind of tired feeling that bothered me at times, but I just pushed through it and never talked to my mom about it. Now here I am, slightly older than both you and Simon, and whatever is wrong with me has just gotten worse. I’m also depressed because I went to one of the best universities in the U.S. and I’ve ended up in crap jobs, other than the very first job I got out of school that I absolutely hated.

    I wound up in a customer service job that I just couldn’t handle anymore because my health is so bad that I can’t talk straight hour after hour. My throat just can’t take it so I started feeling like the job was making me hyperventilate every day. I tried taking advantage of the Affordable Care Act at the time, but still couldn’t afford to keep trying to figure out some way to continue that job.

    I’ve had thoughts about just giving up as well, but something has always stopped me from thinking about it further when the thought comes up. I guess that it would be really selfish, because it would devastate my fiance, mom and the rest of my family, but I worry about what would happen to our three cats, too. My boyfriend has said he would probably give up if I did, so that also weighs on me.

    But your perspective really helped, that if you’re thinking about taking your life anyway why not just do the things you want to do? If I feel like crap anyway, I might as well at least get what positive moments I can. That actually is really, really helpful.

    Thank you again for making yourself vulnerable to help others out. I really appreciate it. I’m putting your advice up there with something else I heard recently, when that negative voice tells you that you can’t do something for whatever reason you get angry and tell it,”F-CK YOU. You won’t get to me, and I can do whatever I want.”

    3 years ago
  9. I love you Martina!!! (had to wipe away some of my own tears) I know that what you are going through is way harder than anything that I have faced; but I know what it’s like to have days where you just want to curl up in a ball and pretend that this isn’t really your life. I also know what it’s like to feel so miserable that ending everything starts sounding like a good option. For me it was when my brother died. It was so hard to deal with and go through by itself, but it was like my family and everything around us fell apart too. My home life was a mess and then I would go to school where I was constantly being made fun of and bullied. Emotionally I felt like I was drowning in a black abyss and I couldn’t see anyway out of it at the time. At one point I decided that I was just going to end everything and be with my brother again…but then I thought of my other siblings that were hurting just as much as I was…and I thought of what losing another sibling would do to them and I decided that I just couldn’t go through with it. I found out later that my sister had done the same thing. In the end we pulled each other through the darkest of it. It’s been a long time since then, but there are still rough times and days that I walk home in tears feeling so miserable and alone. Luckily I still have my sister. We text or message each other just about every day and send loves and hugs. We search youtube to find videos that we think will make the other person laugh and brighten their day (I watched your kitty conductor video a couple of times). It’s amazing how much just those kinds of things can help keep you going. (She also painted sailor moon on a messenger bag recently for me when my purse broke and I was being sad) I think that having people in your life that care about you is one of the greatest gifts there is. I am happy that you are getting to make such incredible memories and I am so very grateful that you take us along for the ride. Thank you for being a part of my life. Loves and hugs!

    3 years ago
  10. ah, every day is fighting and trying to think that there are other people who live worst than me :/ i really hate depression, because there is no reason why i feel so bad and i really hate that. For me helps listen to music i always walking with headphones and on my free time i watching something funny, avoiding movies who makes stress. Korean TV show are perfect to me. Also i noticed, that very strong and positive people gives me lots of energy… it’s like you Martina with Simon give us good emotion’s explosion.
    Girl keep of positive and fight hard as we can!

    3 years ago
  11. I also wanted to thank you for being open about this. I completely agree with your building a ladder out of the pit; it’s something with which I’m familiar. Seeing other people talk about this helps, and I know hearing about other people’s coping mechanisms can help others to develop their own.

    Mostly, I’m glad that you have support and love in your life and can build that ladder one rung at a time. And that you’re willing to share these joys with us.

    3 years ago
  12. Depresion can be a real beeotch. I sometimes just have to allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling in that moment, to tell myself I am okay “right now.” I think you are marvelous, Martina. You are dealing with a disease that is super icky, but you have a great attitude. So, you have down moments, days, weeks. It’s okay. Know that you are loved, even by complete strangers who view you as a beloved niece in a faraway land!

    3 years ago
  13. Hi Martina! I just wanted to let you know how much I admire and look up to you as a role model. I know this video must have been hard, but I feel like a lot of people can relate to your story. Personally, there was a time not too long ago where I had no motivation to do anything, I was stressed, I didn’t eat well, and I would cry myself to sleep every night. Your videos were part of the reason I picked myself back up. When you started to cry, I immediately broke down. I know so many of us hate to see you cry. Just know that you will always have our support and our love. <3

    3 years ago
  14. Last week I had harsh workout and I ended with muscle sores. My legs were so stiff and painful that I had problem with walking and taking the stairs was a challenge. Then I got my period… During which (sometimes) I have 0.00% energy. I have to take sick leave. I sleep most of the time. When I have some energy I try to do some things but they exhaust me easily and again I have to sleep for hours. I felt really awful. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to have my energy back. I remember thinking that it must be really hard if you’re sick and have to suffer pain every day. And you cannot do whatever you want to do, because your body won’t let you. And that I don’t know how people handle this. For me it was only 5 days, and I knew the pain will disappear eventually. Still I was miserable most of that time. I complained to my boyfriend on daily basics. I was a whining little brat.

    SO REALLY, MARTINA I ADMIRE HOW YOU HANDLE YOUR ILNESS. And depression. It’s sad to hear that you suffer so much sometimes. But still you told us that was the best year of your life. So I’m happy about that. When I watch your videos I often think how a great life you have. You eat great food, you go to amazing places and met amazing people. This video make me realize how hard it’s for you to do all those things. I already knew that it’s not all unicorns and rainbows all the time. But now I see that you have to literally work for it. For your life and happiness. Another reason to look up to you. Now I know that every time I’m gonna be down I’ll think of you. That I also have to work for it. To have it all and do it all. Because nothing is holding me back.

    AND SIMON YOU’RE A GREAT MAN. A REAL MAN. You’re a real role model to all those men out there. You should be an idol for young men. A real man to look up to you. They should learn from you how to take care of a family. Martina is lucky to have you. Every woman would be lucky to have you. You’re doing a great job!

    3 years ago
  15. Fighting Martina! :) You made the right decision! And you know what? If you do not have these problems probably you would never leave Canada ever and see those wonders!

    3 years ago
    • Oh, and I wanted to say too, that I do not feel sorry in the common way for you. It is not necessary, and wouldn’t help at all. But I really truly respect the strength in you and in the relationship with Simon. I respect your brave attitude to go against your boundaries!

      3 years ago
  16. Thank you for sharing this. I’m actually using this video to help explain to other’s my situation. I don’t have exactly the same issues. I don’t have chronic pain or depression, but I do have what can be crippling anxiety, especially in social situations. Though I really wanted to go, I couldn’t get through my social anxiety to meet you guys when you were here in Seattle. I’ve struggled with my anxiety since I was 7, where my panic attacks were misdiagnosed as asthma. I was almost and adult before it got figured out and was giving no coping mechanisms. I’ve figured much of it out on my own and with the help of a couple really good doctors, but it’s never perfect. My first suicide attempt was at 12, my second at 16, my 3rd at around 24 (I am now 37). Hearing you describe your story.. I knew that story, I’ve felt it, but I’ve never been able to put it into words as wonderfully as you have. You are absolutely right, sometimes you have to focus on the small things that make you happy and build from there. Focusing on the small things, the positive things, make things bearable. It allows you to start functioning again, to find happiness again. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for doing what you do and know that I’m so happy that you’ve found your ladder. <3

    3 years ago
  17. Thank you for uploading this video and talking about it to us. I am here in India staying up late as usual contemplating every little thing in my life. I cry myself to sleep every night hoping that I will wake up happy and not cry anymore but that’s never helped. I feel like I have let my parents down and I don’t know if I have real friends.. I meet this bunch every Saturday but all we do is drink and talk about stuff don’t matter. Nobody knows about what’s going on and it scares me cause I talk to myself every time I wanna cheer myself up. I need to go out there and get some help, dont know if the help will understand but I will try. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone. You are absolutely lovely for doing this.

    3 years ago
    • You are not alone :) I’m also fighting for my mental health on my own. I know how hard it is to talk about it with people you care for. I try to make myself remember that they love me and they will help if I am ready to tell them. Stay strong you can do it!

      3 years ago
  18. Martina, thank you for putting yourself out there for us. Sending you hugs and courage. You and Simon bring so much joy to my week. My mom has chronic pain and depression, and I appreciate hearing your experience and wisdom. You are brave and bold so the rest of us can be, too. Thank you.

    3 years ago
  19. You are an amazing inspiration to me. Don’t be embarrassed! Everyone cries and needs a should every now and again. Seeing someone I admire experience real things just makes me realize that maybe I can make it too. Never give up! Never surrender!

    3 years ago
  20. Hello Martina!

    I’m so thankful and honored you made this video. I also live with chronic depression and it makes life so terribly hard sometimes. I sent you guys a letter last month detailing more of some of the why but most of it is a genetic chemical imbalance. Even just this week I had thoughts of suicide and not wanting to be here anymore but thought of all the things I want to do still. I want to travel the world and try new things. I really liked your ladder analogy. It is so true. You can only move one rung at a time but each rung you add is vitally important and helps you just hold on a little longer during the bad days. It’s okay to cry and take days or weeks away from working to have give yourself some self care. I’m sorry you will always be in pain. I’m sorry that I will always have depression as part of my life. I’m sorry people seldom truly understand what you need or what your life is like. Sending lots of love and animal snuggles your way ♥♥

    3 years ago
  21. Thank you for making this video, and for the ladder metaphor. I don’t know how to put in words just how grateful and moved I am. I sobbed, and laughed a bit too, and definitely felt a bit better than before I watched the video.

    It SUCKS that you have EDS. It’s so unbelievably fucking terrible. But then… it’s not unbelievable, is it? It’s real, and there to stay, and medical science is just more useless than it has any right to be.

    I don’t have chronic pain. I do have endogenous depression (thankfully less severe over the past 3 years or so). It had probably been creeping up on me for a while, but exploded in a big way several years ago when I suddenly and inexplicably lost more than half my hearing in one ear – and gained 24/7 severe tinnitus and sound distortion at the same time. It sounds stupid and neurotic (even the word ‘tinnitus’ sounds stupid), but I literally have not had one moment of silence since 2010. As someone who perhaps disproportionately enjoyed peace and quiet, and also listening to small details in music, this messed me up for a long time. I was constantly afraid of suddenly losing the rest of my hearing, and couldn’t find the quiet I needed to de-stress. Going outside was physically painful because certain traffic noises were distorted and too loud. I didn’t want to talk to people because I felt bad about having to ask them to repeat themselves so many times.

    At the same time I was struggling to find full-time employment. I failed my postgraduate studies because I couldn’t sit down and concentrate long enough to write assignments (thanks, tinnitus). I developed a string of insanely negative self-thoughts. Ok, it wasn’t just a string, it was chainmail – that’s how solid my reasoning seemed. I felt like I was useless and didn’t deserve to live, had daily suicidal ideations, but could never quite go through with it properly. And felt a corresponding increase in self-contempt.

    And then… somehow I got a job teaching English to kids in rural/regional Japan (where I’ve always wanted to try living for a while). It definitely hasn’t been all sunshine and roses over the past 3 years here, but I feel like I can breathe. I have space, but there’s usually enough ambient noise to compete with the tinnitus. That’s mostly thanks to the job – I’m usually listening (I make sure the speaker is not to my immediate left), or talking, not staring at a blank document with just the noise in my head for company. And the important part is probably that the work isn’t about ME – it’s about the kids and their learning. It’s easier to work on something when I don’t have time to obsess about my own self-worth (the kids are a handful – equal parts headache and hilarious).

    Teaching a second language to children has also helped me to be a lot less nitpicky and judgmental, and to be more patient. I’m not quite sure how, but it might have something to do with focusing on the importance of communication (as opposed to grammatical perfection). I’m a little bit more relaxed about and forgiving of myself.

    Another big help has been the change in environment – new stimuli and all. Not just man-made, but completely different geography, flora and fauna to what I’m used to. I can stare out of the train or bus for hours. While walking around, I stop to take photos of weeds and find that 10 minutes have passed. I can still spend an hour just exploring the supermarket, especially the seafood section.

    I’m not too fond of phrases like ‘get inspired’ or ‘love life’ – they’re overused – but their core message is vital. If I can find a little joy, a little more love – if not for myself, then for the world we live in – in one fleeting moment in a day, maybe that’s all I needed to slowly start recovering. I guess these have formed rungs to my own ladder over time. This ladder doesn’t go straight up, though. It seems to twist and turn a bit, but at least it’s not curving back down. For some reason I think of this is as a growing vine. When I think of a wooden ladder I keep imagining splinters. Sorry, can’t help it. Anyway, maybe my image works too. The vine needs sun and water too.

    For anyone out there who’s reading this, and going through their own suffering, I’m sorry there’s nothing concrete I can do to help. I can only say I genuinely wish that you find the relief you need. That you find your small, precious moments of peace and happiness in each day. That tomorrow’s world is kinder to you than it has been before. That you know that I, and many others out there, send you all of our love.

    3 years ago
  22. You are very, very, very brave, Martina. As a Psychiatry Student, I have unfortunately seen a good amount of cases of chronic depression related to chronic pain, and not less people who attempted suicide because of that. It is not easy to talk about it, it is not easy to ask for help and it is even more difficult to think as positive as you think. That takes a lot of time, and surely you know that too well. What you did today is something worth admiring.
    Having said that, I’d like to tell my own personal story, as I felt encouraged by yours. I don’t have any health issues, I didn’t suffer from bullying or any trauma as a child. But there was a time, maybe because of my personality and the changes that I was going throught, that I was suffering from several depressive episodes. I started to feel so empty I couldn’t even get out of bed in the mornings, I dropped most of my university lessons, and I lost most of my friends. I started having panic attacks, in which I self-injured myself just to feel my psychologic pain in a physical way and to calm down. I felt my life was worthless and it was because of no evident reason at all. It was when I ask for help and trully opened myself to others when I was able to go out of that situation. I forced myself to go out, talk to people and see the good things that surrounded me. I started to accept myself and others. And yeah, that’s something I learned from your videos. Not entirely, of course, because that’s something one person need to work in, but… day by day, I learned how to get the best out of life, no matter what happens. And Simon and you accompained me in that trip. For example, I can say that all the things that I know about healthy love, I got it from you two. Not lying at all. Five years have passed since then, and three since I don’t physically hurt myself anymore. And now I’m finishing my M.D. and I hope that one day I’ll be a good Psychiatrist. So, thank you, Martina. For being such a wonderfull human being, and making us all to see the colour of life and the flower that grows among the weeds. Much love from Spain, and a huuuuuuuuge virtual hug!!!
    – Elena.

    3 years ago
  23. Martina,
    I am sorry that you must suffer so much in your life, but I am glad that you have looked up from the pit and saw the light. Depression is difficult, I have been battling with severe depression since I was about 14 and I am almost 30. I know how it feels to be sucked down in to the void of the pit, and I am glad that you are slowly making your way out of it.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, for showing those that suffer from depression that we are not alone. That even those who appear to be the happiest, aren’t always so.

    Basically, what I am trying to say is that I appreciate you sharing this with all of us. I know how hard it can be to share these things with others, especially when you don’t personally know us. I am glad that you were able to start pulling yourself out of the pit, otherwise we would never have known you, Simon, Spudgy, or Meemers. Even though I am new to this community, your videos have make me happy. I always know that if I watch one of your videos you two will have me laughing and smiling in no time.

    Also, I want you to know that you shouldn’t feel ashamed of crying. I used to be the same way, but I have come to realize that I shouldn’t be ashamed of having feelings. It is a part of being human, yeah crying isn’t fun, but it happens.

    You’re an amazing and wondering woman, and I am glad to have stumbled upon your youtube channel. Continue adding rungs to your ladder.

    To Simon,
    You are one of the greatest human beings that I have ever seen. The love and compassion that is shared between you and Martina in this video made me cry, but in a good way. It is good to know that true love exists. I know that I don’t really have the right or that it may seem weird, but I want to thank you for being there for Martina and for not giving up on her when she has her “down” days. I have had so many people in my life say that they would always be there for me, but leave when they realized I am ‘damage’ (Yep, had someone tell me that). Anyways, this isn’t about me. Just wanted to say thank you for being a wonderful and loving person.

    PS. I know that neither of you wanted to make us cry, but once Martina started so did I. But the love between you two made me cry tears of happiness.
    OKay, seriously, I am done now.

    3 years ago
  24. Martina,
    Thank you so much for sharing this video. It sounds silly but I really look up to you. I admire that you had the courage to move away to Korea and now Japan. You started a career in teaching English and opened a coffee shop and now a successful Youtuber. You do so many crazy wonderful things, you wear the cutest things and do the cutest things with your hair. You’re so talented, and pretty, and bold, and funny.
    Sometimes I can get wrapped up in watching other people’s lives and getting sad for myself that I can’t do this or that, but I really tend to just watch people and forget that those I’m watching are real people who deal with real problems just like me. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, your video reminded me that everyone deals with unseen problems. But I also feel like I’m learning to deal with my depression and to hear the struggle you’ve gone through and how you’re combating it, it gives me hope that I’ll get there too. I’m so grateful that you shared this video. Thank you for showing that there is hope, thank you for being real, thank you for sharing your mindset, thank you for sharing your techniques, and thank you for still being here. And a shout-out to Simon: Thank you for being such a wonderful person and taking care of Martina. It makes me happy that she has someone with her that cares so deeply for her. You two are just wonderful and make me so happy. Once more, thank you so much for sharing <3 I hope your day is wonderful

    3 years ago
  25. Hey Sweet Beautiful Martina, keep climbing, keep adventuring, keep your chin up – I’ll be right over here in Chicagoland supporting you all the way! Remember how fat I was at the EYK meet up in Chicago? Well, I’m skinnier now (40 pounds lighter) and I’m still supporting my crazy daughter Emily – she’s into anime now, and won’t watch K-Drama with me but I still love her – and I still love you and Simon! Big internet hugs to both of you, from Leann (the slightly less big but none the less still supportive Nasty volunteer)

    3 years ago
  26. Cis

    I already commented on the youtube video, but I wanted to come here and thank you again for sharing your story. Martina, you and Simon always make my day a little better, even if it’s a perfect day already. Like you, I also suffer from a chronic disease and periods of extreme sadness (my therapist actually withdrew the depression diagnosis, because my feelings were related to external stuff rather than internal stuff, so it does not feel fair to people with depression to call it this. My chronic illness is also really really manageable and nowhere near what you or some other are going through, so I feel blessed).
    What you told us about doing the things you want to do, it felt very comforting and stress relieving. It makes me take everything a little less serious and makes me a little less anxious about the small unimportant things and I remember that throughout your and Simon’s video’s, you both have always had that effect on me. Thank you so much for that.
    About staying at home/staying healthy at any cost: I too have found out that being happy is way more important for me than feeling as healthy and painless as possible all the time. You probably don’t have to hear from someone else what’s the best for you in this aspect, but as a student in the medical field, I feel like I should emphasize this. Depression is also a very disabling disease that needs treatment and I feel like all the highlights in your life are little treatments that make it a little better. But you know this already :)
    About pity parties: if you ever want to have one again, please invite the nasties. I’m sure all of us would be happy to be with you (and we all want to hug you <3). We can bring the music, pie and tissues ;)
    Don't worry about the amount of video's you put out. I'll be happy with any :) Please take care of yourself first when you need to.
    Martina and Simon, thank you for being an inspiration and making so much video's for us!

    3 years ago
  27. Thanks for sharing your experience, Martina. This is the first time I’m commenting online ever but I know I had to since I was crying throughout the video. It is very timely and resonated with me since I’m currently experiencing a particularly severe situational depression. I can say that I’m at the bottom of the pit and your video helped me to try to fight back or try to get myself out of this pit. I know it’s a long road ahead but it’s a little bit consoling to know that I’m not alone. When you opened up your experience, it made me realize that even very happy-looking people have struggles too and that we all have crosses to bear. I’m a fan of your videos since you guys started but I love you guys even more for sharing both your happiness and struggles. Good luck to you and Simon! :D

    2 years ago
  28. Thank you so much for opening up about this kind of stuff. It can be suuuper difficult to talk about mental health issues, especially when people don’t think you have them or think that your life is too perfect to ever struggle with mental illness. It’s an uphill battle, but it’s one worth fighting. As someone who lives with a personality disorder, I understand how frustrating having a chronic condition can be – realizing that it’ll never go away, no matter how much you want it to because recovery isn’t really an option is tough. I’ve been in that pit quite a few times since my diagnosis a few years ago and while I know a chronic mental condition is waaaay different from a physical one, I understand that pain. But thank you for sharing this – it’s made my day a little bit brighter knowing someone else who’s gone through things like I have has still found a happy life gives me a little more hope for the future! <3

    3 years ago
  29. Dearest, dearest Martina. I am in awe of your strength and your emotional honesty. I am so glad that, although you still have struggles and bad days, you have found your “ladder” to keep you out of the pit. You and Simon make my life brighter every time you post a video, and I feel incredibly grateful for y’all everyday. May you continue to draw strength from your experiences and the love you share, and thanks for taking us along for the ride.

    3 years ago
  30. thank you <3

    3 years ago
  31. Thank you for talking about this Martina. I also tried to end my life once. No one ever talks about their brushes with suicide and that makes it feel so shameful. Hearing you talk about it made me feel a bit better, like I’m not alone. Like I can succeed too. It means a lot to me.

    3 years ago
  32. Thank you for your honesty. I hope that sharing your life with all of us truly does help. It helps me.

    I could address depression, but I know others here can and have done it better, so I’ll just say this, we are all here to help, however we can.

    Last week, I commented on another video that I would like to see more of the in-studio EatYourSushi vids, in addition to the really wonderful cinematic adventure videos. Let me explain why.

    I’m an old guy, older than both of you, and found your videos just after you moved to Japan, so that while I’m working, I can listen to something interesting, hear different insights, etc., about a place I enjoyed visiting. But in those first several weeks, I realized that this channel is more than just information about a place, that you have created a community, and that your attitude and interactions are full of joy. You made a video once about how you find these moments of joy, and it was a model, for all of us, I think. I know that I have worked to see more of the everyday joy in the world, to explore, to take some chances, to be more positive, to open my eyes. I commented to my wife the other day that we have found all sorts of things that surprised and delighted us, sometimes in our own backyard, sometimes across the world, and that your videos helped me see things with a different outlook. Things go bad on a road trip? How can we turn it into something great and find something that we never expected? Even if it doesn’t go according to plan, it’s an experience, and an adventure. And I feel that you and Simon have reminded me to do so.

    I have missed those videos also because you two have such a connection, obviously to each other, but to the countless people who watch. That’s a big reason why I keep coming back, too, and makes us all feel like friends.

    And I am serious – I’m writing a book and have written you and Simon in as characters (other than yourselves) and last night even included Spudgy and Meemers, it just fit really well with two characters (who don’t actually interact, sorry) who were previously kind of generic in my mind, but I totally see them now. I hope that’s okay. If not, I’ll change names and/or descriptions.

    You are a pillar of strength, and even in your weakness, you are very strong, and help all of us be strong. Thank you for that, and everything else.

    3 years ago
  33. Hi Martina and Simon, I want you to know that I think you guys are awesome! I’ve been watching your videos for years now and I have always been so impressed by your commitment to each other and to living lives that are filled with adventure and joy. I am 61 years old this April and I have my own limiting health issues. It has been a struggle for me for the last 25 years and there have been times when I have fantasied about ending it. I’ve heard those voices of derision and self loathing that tear down my inner me, and I’ve had to override and reject them for the sake of my family. I can only say that, knowing what I know about illness and the accompanying depression, that I couldn’t agree with your methods of dealing with them more. Squeeze as much delicious juice out of this life as you can! Make it a beautiful and glorious trip! You only have this moment and you can be gone the next. You just don’t know what life will hold for you, or how long it will be, so you have to grab it and run with it! Why walk in a pool, when you can surf in Hawaii? Love your life, love your husband, and make each day as beautiful as all of us see you. You are an inspiration and we love you! Be well, but beyond that, be happy! You deserve it! <3

    3 years ago
  34. I cried so much and I’m still crying right now. I’m not sure exactly where this video touched me.

    Maybe it’s because it made me think of my family’s friend who killed himslef this year in november. He also suffered from chronic depression, but he decided to go into the forest when no one where at home and left a note to his wife. And even thouht I haven’t seen him in the past years, it felt so strange. I prevented myself from crying the best I could, never liked crying in front of others… so maybe that’s what’s comming out right now, I can’t tell…

    Or maybe it’ because I relate a little since I suffered from depression after High school. Hell i’m not even sure I’m out of it now, but at the time, I remember I could relate to those thinking abouth suicide, I remember I could understand the line of thought leading to that conclusion and how it seemed like a solution sometimes. I had such a hard time adjusting to Cegep at the time (that weird step we have before university in Quebec), that I got expulsed for bad grades multiple time. Took me 5 years instead of 2. And now that I am in university, where I also had trouble adjusting and developed anxiety, I found out after starting my third year that I have an Attention Disorder, wich is probably why I had so much trouble.
    Maybe it’s also the way you talked abouth having little goals, taking oportunities instead of staying home. I did this for a year after Cegep. I became Yes Girl (Jim Carrey reference here). I had the opportunity to go work in Paris for two months, plane and appartment for free. I lost weight, felt beautifull and so good in my body, one of the first time in my life. I felt like Life was full of opportunities, I had goals, inspiration, felt like I knew where I was going and that I had potential and talent. I was thinking abouth getting my diploma and then traveling by doing Art residencies. I was confident. And now that i’m writhing that, I realise that I miss that feeling so much. How did I lost that?

    I think it’s probably a mixt of all this. This post is one of the best you ever made. It touched me and touched many others as I can see in the comments section. And you made me realise that maybe I should start making my ladder again to.

    3 years ago
  35. Thank you for sharing Martina, and all the other amazing, couragous people in the comments!

    I’m in the middle of figuring out how much lower I can sink. I feel like I’m swimming/fighting to keep my head above the water while my brain is a 20kg piece of lead trying to drown me. I keep getting more moments where I can’t imagine this to get better, where I can’t tell myself to ignore the negativity in my mind. I don’t want to die, but in those moments I just can’t see how I am supposed to live like that either.
    It’s nice to know I’m not alone, so thank you all for that. It really is suprisingly hard to talk about it with people who I care about, like family or friends. I don’t want to hurt them by making them realise how much of a mental shithole I dug for myself.

    To all the people out there, thank you for making me feel less alone.

    3 years ago
  36. I made an account just so I could post this. First off, thank you so much for sharing your story and your struggles. Because you shared this part of you, I wanted to share something about me with you (it ends up happy, I promise!).
    I found your videos during the lowest point in my own life. I had just gotten out of a very abusive relationship. I had lost all my friends because of his controlling nature, and I didn’t want to hurt my parents by telling them how depressed I truly was. I’ve suffered from chronic depression since high school but this was my lowest point, I was hopeless and seriously contemplating suicide.
    I would lay in bed all day, every day, and watch videos. I was interested in Japanese culture and found your one of your older sushi videos and I loved it. I started watching all sorts of videos about your lives in Korea, the food you ate, and the beautiful places you visited. You both sort of felt like old friends telling me of your adventures.
    Slowly, very slowly, I began feeling like things weren’t so hopeless. You got me out of bed and back into the world, making black bean brownies one day, trying to attempt crazy nail art another.
    I just want to thank you for sharing your lives with us to make us happy, and I hope we can do the same for you. Two years later and I now have a full time job, a very supportive and loving friends group, a boyfriend who I love and who truly treats me right, and the best relationship I’ve had with my parents in a very long time. I still watch your videos, and they still make me so happy, every time. Thank you.

    3 years ago
  37. Hi Martina! Don’t feel embarrassed for crying. I’ve done a fair share of it too and sometimes you just need to let the tears out. Thank you for this video. It was phenomenally done. I was in a pretty dark place too last year (currently a junior). I moved from Chicago to Boston last year and I really hated my new school as it was full of really competitive, boring, and nerdy people. (I mean, I am nerdy too but these people study for fun :/) My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at the start of 2016 (she’s healthy now) and I had to keep two huge secrets from my friends. I ended up breaking down in tears when I finally worked up the courage to confide in someone. My thoughts turned pretty dark when I saw my mom crying and talking about the potential of her dying. She’s the strongest person I know in my life and it really shook me at my core to see her so miserable. It was really hard to keep all that stress on my shoulders. When I moved, I lost most contact with my friends back home and I made a few new ones here, though they are nowhere as personal and “human” as my old friends. I used to cry almost every night and I’d have trouble falling asleep because my face would be wet from the tears. When I just began accepting that I moved to a somewhat worse school, a senior at my school committed suicide. And to my shock, a very brief sense of community formed between my school of competitive robot people. But, as an alumni said, our school only supports each other in times of misfortune.They respect and love the dead, not living. I couldn’t believe that I had moved to such an apathetic town. To me, it was incredibly ignorant and alarming that the school dismissed his death as caused by academic stress and personal depression and attempted to make up for it by giving us a few days without homework. As if homework were the reason for it. The problem with my school is that the stress is perpetuated by the competitive students and the success-expectant teachers, while there is no community to support outside or personal issues. It’s so bad that we only have one “spirit” assembly every year and our homecoming got cancelled because only 14 people signed up. Weeks passed by and I began building a new ladder, trying to live a life free of others’ opinions. I got involved with clubs and music and made new friends. And just a month after Matthew left, another senior committed suicide. But this time, my school didn’t even form a community. He was mentioned once, as if obligatory, in the morning announcements the day after and teachers carried on teaching. I had a freaking TEST. Once again, I descended down a dark spiral of depression as I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if I had committed suicide. If a student who had lived here their whole life could be forgotten in a day, what would I mean, having only interacted with a handful of people here? I wondered if a third suicide, my own death, could be a political statement, a final catalyst for my school to wake the hell up and do something to fix the community. I dug myself out of the pit once again by rediscovering the things and people I loved and looking forward to the future. I reintroduced myself to anime and read manga in school. I started painting and drawing again and playing music on piano and violin for fun, after years of just learning classical stuff. And thank goodness I had you and Simon to look forward to every week. I love Japanese culture immensely and I’d love to go visit one day. I’m a lot happier now with slightly deeper relationships with my friends here and I’m really looking forward to college to meet new people. I find that talking it out and writing my feelings down really helps. And lucky you! You have Ducky and your piggy to talk to. Thank you for all you do and for making this beautiful video. Keep living life the way that you want to and enjoy every moment. Afterall, it’s your life, not your doctor’s. btw props to my man Simon proud of him for getting strong lol
    Love you and keep doing what you do! oh and sailor mercury is my fav scout! but dark lady is pretty kewl too

    3 years ago
    • btw RPDR and Steven universe are my favs! so excited for season 9 queens

      3 years ago
  38. Simon and Martina,

    I’m not your most dedicated fan. In fact, after watching your videos religiously for years I kinda dropped out in 2016. And then this popped up on my YouTube. And I remembered that you two are two of the very strongest role models that I have in my life. Simon and Martina, what you have done for me transcends words at this point.

    I don’t know how you do it, Martina, going out and grabbing life by the horns. Unicorn hair and godly orange groves. I don’t have chronic pain but I know what it’s like staying in bed for 24 hours straight. I even missed a final in my college class last year. But seeing this….seeing you, is so amazing. Amazing. Inspiring. If someone told me I could be like you someday….

    I hope we help you feel less alone. You certainly make me feel that way. Even after all this time. From the bottom of my heart, thank you and I love you.

    3 years ago
  39. Thank you for sharing this video. I don’t watch much YouTube but I saw something share this and decided to watch and read what you said. I myself have been dealing with depression for years and it’s been getting worse. I thought it was getting better but as soon as I hit 20 years I was diagnosed with AML Leukemia. I’m currently 22 and still getting by. It’s hard to deal with chemotherapy and all the things I’ve been having to put up with. It’s gotten to the point where I asked for medical help because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I would cut myself and all I wanted was to die. I never attempted suicide because I worry too much about those around me tho. But thank you for sharing your story and I am so proud of you for opening up like you did. You have given so many people strength with this video. I know you’ve haven’t me strength. I can understand when you say your mood gets bad when you’re in pain. My chemotherapy gives me headaches and with all the medicines I take, I never know if I’ll be waking up in pain or not. That affects my mood a lot too. But I’m happy to see you doing your best with your conditions and I’m happy for you. You’re such a strong and beautiful person! Thank you once again for this video. It’s made my day.

    3 years ago
  40. Hello Simon and Martina,
    Thanks for sharing your experiences, I really feel that you will help people with their own battles.
    I lost my father to suicide when I was 20- he was suffering from chronic illness. Oddly enough this completely changed the way I saw my own depression. It’s really bad sometimes but now I will reach out to my support network for help and enjoy the good times all the more.

    3 years ago