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An Open Talk About My Depression

February 8, 2017

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Are you prepared for a really emotional video? Cause wow…this was a hard video for me to film.

I was really hesitant about sharing this with everyone because I didn’t want the end product of this video to be sadness. I didn’t want to share my feelings with you all and for you to leave the computer feeling sad. Simon and I have been talking about sharing this video with you all for a long time, and I think I finally felt comfortable sharing it when I was able to get a grasp on how it is that I deal with my depression. I didn’t want to just tell you all “hey I suffer from chronic depression.” I wanted to talk about it once I had the words to explain how I handle it.

We talked about it a lot, which I think is really important because you can often be caught inside your own head and not fully understand what you’re feeling. And that’s challenging, because depression is really isolating, even if you’re in a room full of people. If you stay inside your own head, you start to believe the things you tell yourself, as if they are facts. Without being checked by the outside world, you can fall even deeper into your own negative thoughts.

Those days that I was my lowest, I kept thinking something must be wrong with my life for me to feel this way. But the more I dug into it, the more I realized that I don’t really have anything to complain about in my life. I am the happiest I have ever been, personally and professionally, but my body and my pain is the worst its ever been. Even though I am mentally in a happy place, my body is sending out distress signals due to the constant pain, and that distress is wrecking havoc on me mentally. But it wasn’t always so obvious. I had to break down and scrutinize every aspect of my life to see if something was wrong. I looked at my job. Was I happy as a YouTuber? Yup. Totally. It’s the most fulfilling job I can think of. I actually think it might be the most fulfilling job in the world, if you have a kind audience (like we fortunately do). I looked at my husband. Is Simon doing something wrong? Am I upset with him? Nope. He’s fantastic and supportive and my best friend. Am I angry at my friends? Family? Pets? Co-Workers?…the list went on and not matter how much I searched for “issues” with my life, I found that I didn’t have any. This long hard look at my own life and what I perceived as bringing happiness or sadness gave me a feeling of both relief and dread. I realized that the outside sources in my life were not the problem. It was a problem I was dealing with in my own head. Even though I am currently living my dream life, living in Japan which is something I wanted since I was a child, and I’m living a great life here, depression doesn’t care what state I’m in, and has come along for the ride.

It isn’t something I can fix with money or lifestyle changes. And I think this is a really important point because a lot of people think that if they were millionaires that could have all the cars, houses, food, girls, guys, clothing, jewelry, and vacations in the world they would be totally happy. But that is just not the truth. I have a favourite quote from Jim Carrey who said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” Since I have come to that same conclusion, I realize that I need to see my depression as a chemical reaction, not as a byproduct of my life. It can feel impossible to fight against an emotional feeling, but you can do it. It is not impossible. You acknowledge that what you are saying is mean and untrue. You are whispering negative things to yourself, but you are strong enough to see those negative things and acknowledge them as wrong. It is the same as when someone looks into the mirror and calls themselves fat and ugly. The more you call yourself these negative things, the more you truly believe it. By stopping this cycle of negative thought, you stop adding fuel to the negative fire.

I still have days where I feel totally despondent and sad, but now I know that they are coming. Now I see these days are a write-off where I have to just take a bath, watch a show, or check out mentally. When I was younger, these days blindsided me. I felt overhwmelend and alone with emotions. I let them wash me down a river of negative thoughts. I believed all the negative thoughts I was having, and I would act on them. And…I tried to kill myself because of it.

That was really hard for me to say. It’s a deep dark secret that has embarrassed me and stayed with my for many years. I didn’t talk about it in my Draw My Life video. I wasn’t comfortable enough with it yet. I feel embarrassed about it now because it’s not a decision I would ever make again. It was a selfish decision that would have hurt my friends and family, and it’s embarrassing to say out loud because I feel like it was such a fucking stupid thing that I did. But I also know that it’s a real state of mind that people feel, a real question that they ask themselves. I’m glad that I was able to get myself out of that state of mind, out of the bottom of the pit. I’m more in control now, but it’ll always be there to remind me of where I could go if I don’t keep control of myself.

The amount of rungs I’ve added to my ladder makes it a lot harder for me to get down that low again. Back then, I didn’t have anything going for me. I was despondent. And all I saw was pain. Now I realize that these emotions and feelings must be contained and dealt with. I squash them down and deal with them all into one or two days, and do my best to not let it spread. In high school and university the feeling would span across days and weeks until I was an exhausted and sad lump of Martina. Now I don’t let it get passed two days. I think that is a huge difference and I hope once day to squash it down to one day. Hopefully I can get to the point one day where I can get it down to just a few hours.

I hope that my honesty in this video didn’t make you feel to upset. I think that we are all human and all deal with different difficulties, and I know that my difficulty is not the same as yours. But what I hope is that in sharing this video, we can all open up and share other ways in which we deal with our lowest days. Or if it’s too personal for you to share, and you don’t feel comfortable (because I wasn’t comfortable for years, and I still feel scared talking about it), I hope at least you can see with my example that, even though I have chronic depression, and I will never be able to fully get rid of it, I’m learning how to live with it and manage it. I hope that you can do so as well. I love you guise.

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An Open Talk About My Depression

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  1. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Hello Simon and Martina, first of all i want to thank you for sharing your life experiences with us, it’s enterteining, funny and you can learn about things at the same time! And even more for sharing stuff like this that can help others in so many ways as an inspiration or trying that mindset as well of the why not do it without caring about the consequences.
    I had a few bad years and luckily also a friend that helped me so much, but i did not overcome it until i wanted to help myself.
    We have nothing but the NOW, even if we make plans for future no matter what situation our feelings and emotions are being felt(?)at this very exact moment, can’t change the past and can’t live the future, only the present. With this in mind i keep on going everyday,working hard for when days are low and trying to be of help to others to just… live :) I think you guys make lots of us happy with your
    jokes and videos and its so amazing how being from anywhere in the world, of all ages and not mattering any of this we can feel so close and have feelings towards other people.
    I can not put into words how much i wish you the best and happiness, that your NOW is filling your heart with happiness. Me, as someone who has also been down for a long time, do not wish it for anyone in the world to feel like that at all.
    It breaks my heart seeing your suffering with Martina’s condition, have you guys tried another approach? After my dad being diagnosed with lung problems(EPOC), investigating and wondering how can there not be any answers to some questions and conditions, I found about the”New German Medicine” and took lots of time investigating about it, so in case you haven’t come across it i want to please ask you to look into it (there’s nothing to lose T_T) you can learn about it in this page: http://www.newmedicine.ca/german-new-medicine.php and also can watch this documentary https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z57uBCcOdvI (it has english subtitles)
    I’m a spanish speaker so i’ve got the recomendation of that english website from this one: http://materialdenmg.com wich offers theorical materials and courses in spanish working with one expert called FRANÇOIS LEDUC that speaks french and english, and an advanced student called LOULOU BÉDARD that translates to spanish.
    If you look into it and are interested in knowing more, FRANÇOIS offers an online consult (He’s from Canada), wich is not expensive as its needed only one time, as of now that page is only in spanish, but can contact FRANÇOIS in english anyway.
    Hope you guys read this and give it a chance to the new german medicine with an open mind, this recently discovered medicine has helped lots of people with “incurable” conditions, there’s a lot of propaganda trying to discredit this medicine for the sake of some organizations interests, there’s a lot of false data and fake “experts” around only trying to get people to think it is not good (thats
    why i recommended you precisely those experts and websites, which i know are legit), but i can tell you from personal experience that it is. Some theories might come to you as a shock at first, it happened to me to since traditional medicine teaches us a very different point of view… Anyway, I couldn’t just have this information, see the things you’re going through and not share it with you. I’m sending you this with my best wishes, please give it a try, theres so few to lose and so much to win.
    Thank you<3 wish you the best <3

    2 years ago
  2. i just had to make an account so that i could comment this here…
    now, i know that this is gonna sound all dumb and stuff- but, i have been watching your videos for quite a while now… Well, that was until a few years ago.
    I watched your videos a while back, when you were still just eatyourkimchi and making all these kpop videos. I somehow lost interest and never tuned in to watch your newest videos. Fast forward to yesterday, at least two years later.
    I saw this video in the trending tab and had just the most powerful flashback of my entire life, remembering what it was like watching your videos and how much joy they brought me. I could not believe that i had forgotten all about you two.
    I am in awe as i sit here and watch this video today. All i remember from all those years back was the happy martina and the happy simon. there was no sign of anything like this, and that seems crazy. It seems so crazy because it’s so real, and i happened to forget that you are real people too. Viewers often forget that the people that they idolize are real people too, with problems of their own.You two have a way of making it seem like things like this would have never even happened, unless you would have told it like this. It was hidden behind humor, just like you said.
    Well, in the end, my point is this: i am so, so thankful that you decided to put out this video martina. i am so grateful that you decided to speak about such a hard topic in such a way. Chronic pain and depression is something that a lot of people can relate with, so i think this truly hit hard with a lot of people, including me.
    Thank you for being honest with everyone!
    (ps, i’m totally gonna watch all of your new videos now! i have a lot of work to do so that i can catch up, but i’m gonna do it! can’t wait to see what kind of adventures you’ll be having in the future :) )

    3 years ago
  3. Oh no… the formatting. Sorry about the wall of text in my previous comment. I don’t know how to edit or delete it. It seems to display properly in my profile, though.

    3 years ago
  4. Thank you for this. It gives me a lot of hope. I believe we are about the same age and I have been dealing with this anxiety/depression mess for as long as I can recall. I think we may may deal with it very similarly and it’s nice to know someone out in the world feels like I do sometimes. And even though we come off as Happy Happy Happy!!!! to outside folks, the struggle is rough but if you are like me – you don’t want everyone else to have to deal with your emotions. But anywho, thanks so much for doing this, you’ve really made me smile today. :)

    3 years ago
  5. Hi Martina. I came across this video (again) today and watched it again. I’m having a bad day (or three days) and this video and the way you are just so positive helps so much. Thank you and Simon for being so amazing and so encouraging. Love your videos, and your instagram. You guys help me a lot! (I also love your love of cultures <3)

    2 years ago
  6. Wow, I can’t believe that it was over a year ago when you posted this video … what a positive impact it has had!

    1 year ago
  7. Thank you for sharing. I too have eds. Gotcha, been there done that, got the prize, I do not like that anyone else has to go thru what I do, it makes me a sad. However it is a comfort knowing I’m not alone, or totally Cray Cray in a bad way. Sorry had long great post typed and lost it…fingers say I had one shotlol

    2 years ago
  8. Sorry to hear about Martina’s health problems.
    I’m genuinely concerned.
    I know this may not be well-received, but it may have something to do with radiation.
    Tokyo area received large amount of fallout during Fukushima incident. (and probably continues to do so, as Fukushima continues to release radiation unabated)
    I hear that Japanese people are having many health problems, but the govt tries to keep everything hush-hush.
    I would recommend you to move out of the Tokyo area. Kyushu would probably be better. (I hear a lot of Japanese moved there post-Fukushima and their health improved.)

    Anyway, best wishes.

    PS: Some people may not like seeing this comment, so please feel free to delete it after you’ve read it.

    3 years ago
  9. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Hi Martina. I just want to say as someone who has watched for the last 6-7 years now and feels a certain kinship to you and Simon (your videos feel like a peek into the lives of friends and it sometimes feels like your my Canadian brother and sister living far far away) that I never would have guessed that this is something your struggle with until you gradually became more open about it in videos. To see you hurt and to hear that you have hurt in this way to such an extent not only impacts my heart but it helps me reassess my outlook on where others may or may not stand emotionally. I myself have only ever been depressed on a severe level once in my life. I was down for nearly a year and only then was it enough to make me not consider suicide but consider that it was not a bad solution albeit still not a good solution. My neutrality on the concept of suicide as an option hit me like a ton of bricks and I think the lack of horror on my part was horrifying in itself – the realization alone acted as a sort of cattle prod. Now, 4 years down the road I am living a life that isn’t perfect (no life is) but is so much more fulfilling. I’m infinitely closer to my dreams and goals in such a short time than I would have ever thought possible. I want you to know that you are immensely loved by many of you fans the world round and I believe, immensely loved by God. I am so glad you decided to climb out of the pit and make rungs for yourself. Like laughter and smiles, your life is infectious – you shine bright and we are all better for it.

    I don’t know if you’d like this kind of music but there’s a band that I love that recently came out with their third album called Icon For Hire. They deal a lot with the complicated feelings depression can cause in a great deal of their songs and reach a lot of people with their lyrics. Sometimes when I listen to them I wish their music had come out sooner when I was going through that particularly difficult year. Please give them a listen if you’re up for it – here’s a link to my favorite song off album #3.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceYUfCunDcw

    Sending you lots of love and hope,
    Liz

    3 years ago
  10. Hi guys! Long-time Nasties (and we finally made an account just to post this), first-time commenting. My partner and I have both suffered from depression and anxiety, and we know that you know that you’re not alone, even though on some days, knowing that doesn’t help. Martina, you’ve always been a huge inspiration to us. You’re one of the reasons we’re about to leave the US to teach English in Korea! Your spirit is indomitable–even if there are days when it’s hard to keep going, you don’t let it stand in the way of the good days. Your colorful approach to life and your drive to feel alive motivate us to try and enjoy the world with even half the spark and spunk that you can muster. We really look up to you and Simon (and da Spudgy and Meemers too) and we just wanted to let you know how much you mean to us, and please don’t feel like you have to apologize for letting your fans see into your dark places. Many of us have been there before and are there now–let us be a rung on your ladder.

    Love, Jordan, Sarah, and Wisco the cat

    3 years ago
  11. Thank you, Martina, for sharing this with us. Even for people that don’t have chronic pain or depression, you show everyone that you should do things without regret, even though you may hurt. Don’t let the pain get to you, Nasties. Move forward always. <3

    3 years ago
  12. Awww Martina ❤️ Even if we never meet (i would love to!) i was very moved by your video i i feel so close to you that it even surprised me! I dont know what it is to live with chronic pain but i sure know that you are admirable!! ☺️ And by watching you and Simon, it gave me hope in my dreams.
    I wish you two the very best & i will stay one of your beloved fan since the beginning

    3 years ago
  13. VM

    Thank you for sharing this. As someone who also deals with depression, it’s really motivating for me to see people who inspire me like you talking about the hard times as well. I think it really adds depth to all the amazing work you guys do. I felt very emotional watching this video but also less alone. Again, thank you

    3 years ago
  14. Hi Martina!

    Have you heard of sickboy podcast? They interview people with mental and physical illnesses on the podcast, which sounds depressing, but is actually so inspiring. They even did an episode on EDS Type III! (I included a snippit below). I suggest listening to an episode when you’re feeling low and in the bathtub. I think it’s helpful to listen to other people explain how they got through their bad moments.

    Peace from Busan!

    “I dislocated my ankle attempting to swat a fly in a friend’s kitchen and ridiculously enough, I had a moment of clarity. I realized if swatting a fly was going to land me in the emergency room then no level of precaution was going to change the fact that I have a chronic illness and sometimes it’s going to win a round or two.

    So now what do I do? I dislocate joints, I spend time in various doctor’s offices and emergency rooms, but I go to music festivals, I take road trips, I’m pursuing a graduate degree, I’m planning a trip to China, creating a series of short documentary videos and I’m trying to live a life that’s more intriguing than my medical history.”

    3 years ago
  15. Hey Martina! I’m really glad you did this video! I identify with you a lot, in a lot of ways, and it’s always sort of empowering to see that, no matter how bad it gets, you can always make the choice to take *some* control of your life, and that it makes all of the difference, no matter how small that control seems to someone outside (specially able bodied, neurotipycal individuals). And you really shouldn’t feel bad for crying and/or sadness – it just made me want to give you all of the hugs! So consider yourself – gently :) – glomped (do people still say that?)!
    Also what you talk about in the blog is really important – it’s really easy feeling guilty for a bad mental patch when everything in your life is good, but it’s a mattr of body chemistry that you can’t really control. Somebody that has, say, diabetes doesn’t feel guilty they have to control their sugar intake or that they eventually need medicine to regulate their body, and we really should internalize that, despite the stigma, mental health is exactly the same. You do what you gotta do, even if that is allowing yourself to check out and wallow every now and then. (Also, stop with the weight negativity, you’re gorgeous, in and out, and weight won’t change that! Denying yourself pleasure from eating for arnitrary societal standards is preposterous!)
    Anyway, I wish you lots of good days to outweight the bad, and strenght to get through when they don’t!

    3 years ago
  16. I wanted to thank you so much. It’s hard to be open with. I’ve been… wanting to email to send something. But I can do it here. Warning TW
    Well here’s the short version. Grandather molested at 8, uncle at 10. Forced by father to become the maid: he’d not do anything as I had to cook clean and raise my little sister. Then he’d take the credit. Was also told to follow whatever a man said. at 13 was forced to give head to three boys dressed at clowns in the girls locker room. Soaked down, told to lie that I fell into a puddle. I got in trouble for it by father. Each boyfriend after molested me at some point (I dated men because I thought I had to: I knew I was gay since like 7). First suicide attempt was after the forced head. It failed, the rope broke. at 17 I met a guy who was nice the first few days. After a week I went over. was beaten and raped. Told not to say anything. So I didn’t. Over the course of three months: Dogs, 20 men over so, in one go for rounds. Forced heroin. Him knowing I wanted to have a baby so pregnancy tests till was. Beatings continued till he had to move and ‘grew tired of me’ cut a piece off of my inner labia, the pink folds, cut that piece and cut it in half. Then forced me to eat one half as he did the other. Then he put something in my system. I kept it secret, he told me to. I ended up having a miscarriage. A month later, was gonna kill myself. Deleting shit on internet. When got message from this little british girl. And it was better and better from there. She saved me. and we managed to fall in love
    my depression is still here. My BPD is strong. Which is going to be with me my entire life. And like… it’s hard to talk about. But I do need to talk about it more. As I wanted to deal with a…well knife before actually watching this.
    Thank you so much Martina

    3 years ago
  17. I also deal with chronic depression and severe anxiety. Mostly because I went to college and have a ridiculous amount of student loan debt now rendering me completely unable to do anything. But hearing your story gives me hope that I can one day do awesome things even though it seems hopeless now. Thank you Martina! You rock! Also I was going to send you guys a box but then I looked up how much it would cost so nevermind ahah maybe one day!

    3 years ago
  18. Hi, Martina!~~~ Miss ya!~ I appreciate you having the courage to share something as personal as this. I went through something similar. I might still be going through it, lol. I thought that it was the fault of someone else, but instead it was my fault for feelings depressed due to misunderstanding(s). In high school years, I got to thinking how I can get myself out of it. I did a combo attack on the depression. The combo attack consisted of God and changing dark colors to bright colors. Later on, I added the skill to color. Unknowingly, it ended up being therapeutic, hahaha. It helped to have a close high school friend to point out what I had. She was someone that was looking outside the box. It was hard for me to admit or swallow, but I got through it because the major ammo for me was my relationship with God.
    I am so happy that there are many avenues to deleting/destroying/eradicate/wipe out such an issue that with some stops life to some degree or almost.
    It is cool once the individual begins the journey towards pulverizing negative thoughts/emotions. It is something, to me, to celebrate each time someone overcomes those difficulties in life and something so lovable to see that we are not alone in the battle. Thank you so very much for sharing with us all!~
    Keep up the good work!~
    Everything is going to be alright!~ (That’s my motto).

    3 years ago
  19. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Hey Martina! I wanted to share some research I did on joint pain and some things that might help. I have no idea if this is helpful, (you have probably done a million hours of research already, but, I was thinking about it and wanted to share anyways just in case.) This is the ‘Natural Standard Consumer Content’ (because I’m a giant hippie) and provides symptoms vs. scientifically tested remedies. I searched under Joint Pain.

    http://3rdparty.naturalstandard.com/connect/efficacy/jointpain.asp?file=jointpain.asp&title=Joint%20pain&back=true

    If you click on a ‘Therapy’ it will take you to the study page which gives you the scientific findings, uses, and cautions accordingly. Maybe something new that makes it easier to cope or lessens the pain will pop out and help you? ^_^

    I will also recommend that if you have not tried making Golden Milk as a warm, comforting, anti-inflammatory {and vegan} drink that is reminiscent of chai tea, I found a good recipe here: https://www.brokefoodies.com/turmeric-latte/

    Its helpful for alot of things, including joint pain, headaches, and even colds! Ginger and turmeric are good for a lot of things. I like making it with coconut milk :3

    Simon – you’re an amazing husband and I think you are both so lucky to have found each other. Also – your beard has gotten so nice! Good job on the working out, ‘YOU CAN DOOO IIITTTT’ ! ;3

    Stay awesome, blossoms<3

    3 years ago
  20. Thank you for making this video. I love you guys even more now, which I didn’t think was possible. I watch you guys to laugh because it is always a guarantee but I will always come to any pity party you throw to cry and laugh with you. To every nasty out there who reads this just know I love you too and the community that we create is something that is very special to me!

    3 years ago
  21. Heyo, there, Martina. Thank you a lot for making this video.
    I’m finding to difficult to find my words, mostly because I never really want to admit to myself that I might have a problem. Which I realize is a not-so-great mindset, but it’s sort of how I power through. I’m not perfect on picking myself up from the sad states I can get in from chronic migraines and anxiety, but I do my best.
    Sometimes, it’s little things like watching a movie I love, gardening, treating myself to my favorite comfort foods (like froyo or pho), or watching videos like yours on Youtube. Other times I’ve got to work a little harder, and it’s not so cut-and-dry. With anxiety I can sometimes convince myself that the thoughts I’m having are illogical, and try to reason them out with things that make more sense. It doesn’t always 100% work, but it usually is enough to where I can function again.
    That said…thank you again for doing what you do. You both of you guys pick me up a lot, even when I don’t know I need it. I hope it isn’t weird to say that I really truly care about you guys, despite only knowing you through Youtube (and meeting soso briefly once).
    Last thing: you apologized for not making as many videos, and I just hope you don’t feel obligated for your viewer’s sakes to overdue it if causes you too much pain. I think it’s fairly safe to say that we all love you, and want you to do what’s best for you. So if it turns out there are less videos, that’s really okay. If you want to channel your creativity in other, less strenuous, outlets–that’s okay too! You do what you have to do. <3

    3 years ago
  22. Thank you so much for making this video. Far from making me upset, it gave me hope. I struggle with depression. I also teach teenagers for a living. Your perspective and wisdom helped with both. Thank you.

    1 year ago
  23. Girl, you have me on an amazing roller coaster of emotion right now. Tears are just rolling down my cheeks and they are there for a good reason. Thank you so much for opening up and expressing that side of you. I feel like I know you better and I feel like dyeing my hair and doing the stuff I want to do in life, so I can also look back and have amazing memories, because I have existential depression and you helped me look at life in a different way that I haven’t seen in that light before. So thank you. Also thank you for the virtual hug, if I ever meet you you’re getting a massage hug. (Massaging your back as we hug in a platonic kinda way. It’s gonna be great! I promise.) Well enough of my pity party, I’m gonna steal all of the blankets and pillows in the house and have a massive blanket pillow fort kinda day. hehe. Have a good one. <3 Snowy.

    3 years ago
  24. Thanks for sharing your journey Martina. You’ve certainly helped a lot of people (myself included). I’ve had a lot of darker days lately after the unexpected death of my father but I’m just remembering how hard I worked to get out of that dark pit, I never want to go back down there.

    It’s awful that you are going through this but I’m so glad you have Simon. I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for my partner helping me.

    I went to Japan because of you, through your videos you inspired me ❤️

    Thank you for sharing your life with us and for being you.

    3 years ago
  25. I have never been depressed but so different and sometimes little things can throw us off our ladder… Without first realizing it, I was in a pretty bad place when I still studied engineering (2 years ago). Normally I’m quite a happy and composed person and my life has always been.. well, comfortable/stable. I noticed something had to change when one day I was just cooking, saw some undone dishes, felt little bit uneasy and the next thing I know was me sitting on the kitchen floor crying my eyes out.
    My boyfriend always sees right through me so when he came home he made me talk my heart out (as always), even though I tried to pretend that everything was fine (with my red eyes and running nose…). And that wasn’t one time only! I was so unhappy with what I studied atm and because of trying to change that, more stressors came into my life. Well, all worked out in the end and I accidentally found my dream job which I’m studying right now.

    BUT here’s my current stressing situation:
    For the past 6 years I have wanted to carry out some of my studies in Korea (as an exchange student). First I needed to find better field of study. Done. Found out my new field of study didn’t have an exchange programs with Korea, so I had to find an alternative way. Done. Then I find out that my destination school had cut out all the English courses I was going to take, just for the upcoming semester. No Korea. My only option for exchange is to find another place to go, even though every other place feels irrelevant. But I though “hey, Simon and Martina say it’s all about attitude and they would have had many miserable experiences, but only if they chose to see them that way”. (You have no idea how often I tell myself this)
    So now I’m choosing to go somewhere else (maybe Austria), have a blast, make lots of memories and go visit Korea later with my boyfriend (btw he did his exchange period in Korea and we met in a student exchange info, DESTINY!) I’m already starting to get really excited about this!

    Wow this came out super long..
    Anyway, you have helped me to deal with bad days by enjoying little thing and encouraged to live in a moment. You are both amazing persons and I only hope I can experience as many adventures with my ducky as you two have together! ♥

    3 years ago
  26. I could write a novel but I’ll keep it short ’cause I’m having a bad pain week myself.
    Martina, you’re an amazing, beautiful person, and I want to send lots of love an encouragement as someone who’s been dealing with phobias for over 15 years and has just been diagnosed with physical stress and trauma (not sure about the actual clinic names *shrugs*)
    Big but soft virtual hugs to you and everyone else reading this message <3

    3 years ago
  27. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Thank you Martina for this video. I wanna say that I was skeptical to watch it, why? Well because I’m k aging as well in one of the worst depressions of my life, I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear nice things about how to overcome those days, but I did it. Everything happenes for me when I was 10 and my parents divorced, nobody noticed it because what I always do is try to not let the others see what is my actual mood, but after couple of years I started harming myself, thinking about suicide and all those things. I did my best to overcome that period, but looking back I noticed how unhappy I was. As you find things in love that made you happy, I find those too, I became a hug fun of kpop, I started finding things and people that made me happy, because I know if I didn’t it was just gonna become worst. I want to say that it worked a little bit, until everything I found turn my back on me, and then I left my country. In a new country, with only my sister, no friends and not anything, everything started to be miserable again. Now I have a boyfriend that makes me happy, but this doesn’t help me get out of that vortex of terrible days were the only thing I wanna do is just hide and cry, complain and be alone. I noticed that my mood affects my boyfriend too, he doesn’t like when I’m like this, and I feel worst when I see his acctitude changing because of me. I’m trying now to find things in life that makes me really happy. I’m starting with a cosplay, and I want to continue to do my best on it. Thank you Martina for sharing this, it really helped me understand what I should think, how I should react. I hope everything it’s gonna tournament out for the best for you and Simon. I started a blog to keep track of my adventures, if you wanna follow it is http://alicedeplano.wixsite.com/lucyinfairylandblog

    3 years ago
  28. I cried a lot watching this video. Thank you so much for making this open letter.

    3 years ago
  29. I have had pretty bad depression for a long time and tried to end it all when I was 13. I also suffer from an anxiety disorder and have an emotional support animal who helps me tremendously during my panic attacks and waves of overwhelming depression. Watching your videos really help me by inspiring me to do more.

    3 years ago
  30. I know that this comment might just get lost among all the other comments and you may never see/read this but I just want to say this: Martina, thank you!
    Thank you for sharing, for opening up to us. You said that this is yet another pity party that you’re throwing for yourself but to me, it doesn’t look like that. It’s a party that shows how strong you are. You overcame those negative thoughts and you pulled yourself up from that pit. You felt strong enough to share your story. And it’s ok that you cried on camera, don’t apologise for it. It just shows that you have been strong for a long time, not that you are weak. And if you throw another “pity party”, I will gladly sit down in front of my computer and be there for you.
    Martina, you have inspired me so much. A few years ago, I wouldn’t even consider dying my hair a crazy colour. But now I want to go ahead and dye my hair pink/purple/pastel. And when people tell me that I shouldn’t, I always think “But Martina has pink hair and she looks good”. Or when I’m hesitant about buying something cute, thinking that people will stare, I think “Martina buys cute things all the time and she doesn’t give a damn about what others think” and then I go ahead and buy that.
    I guess what I’m trying to say is that you, Simon and Martina, have showed me that it is ok to like something or do something that makes you happy. Thank you for your hard work!

    3 years ago
  31. You are amazing for sharing such a personal story.Thank You.

    3 years ago
  32. I feel you pain, Martina, and admire your strength.

    3 years ago
  33. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    I’m happy you made the video. It’s pretty hard to lay out your feelings to another person, let alone the internet. With mental illness getting diagnosed better nowadays I do think it’s valuable to have a wide variety of stories and ways to cope around so people can see all the options they have and the ways to deal with it to the best of their abilities. Thank you for contributing to that. It seems we have a similar outlook on life!

    Simon also gets a lot of respect from me here. Being the partner of a chronically mentally/physically ill person is also not the easy way of life, but it makes me very happy to see he is thinking along with you and figures out what he can do to make you two a better team. It reminds me a lot of my partner who is helping me through a rough patch and I know how loved I feel because of it (even if it’s also hard to need help).

    I hope you keep dancing at parties with LED shoes and I’ll keep vicariously living through your food experiences. I relate to the love of food most of all!

    3 years ago
  34. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Hello!

    I’ve been following your videos since your how to dance k-pop style 2009. Not always so active but I have always loved your videos they always gives me strength!
    But I have never before commented on one of your videos, I have been close but in the end I never really dared.
    I understand that this video must have been really hard for the both of you, being in front and behind the camera. But I love you guise for doing it!

    When I grew up I didn’t have that much problems, I was always happy and running around, like any other kid, but probably with a 150% more energy than the normal kid ^^
    But about 5 years ago I started having headaches and I the doctors have now told me I have migraine. After having headaches one out of three days it started to escalate, once every two day and now I have it two out of three…
    My dad used to have a lot of migraine when I grew up, his started when he was around 20 (same as me) and it reached its peak when he was 30… When he was 40 it didn’t happen as often anymore. So at least I know my pain will come to end!

    But to top it I also started to have a lot of pain in my back about 3 years ago. I tried to stay as positive as I could but it was hard. Some days my back would hurt so bad I had to “pep” myself for almost an hour just to make it to the toilet.
    Some days my head hurts so much the sound of my own breath feels like it’s killing me.
    But then a lot of days as long as I don’t sit down my back doesn’t hurt and my headache is only like a little humming noise in my head.

    I never really realized I was depressed, maybe I actually wasn’t. I just didn’t feel as genuinely happy anymore. Sometimes I felt like screaming just to see if anyone noticed. If anyone cared. But I didn’t. I wanted to tell my story so I did, but only in my head. It made me cry… and crying makes my head hurt so I try my best not to ;)
    But there was one day about a year ago, I felt seriously happy, it was just as if I had never been in pain. That was when I realized how much this pain was affecting me so I can understand what you are talking about.

    I remember both of your (all three of yours ^^) paint my life. I was so inspired, even thou I know my pain is nothing compered to yours Martina I fell for your strength! Not to mention everything you said as well Simon :)
    After that I started living my life with a different saying: why complain, it won’t make anyone you love happier, don’t pity yourself, Martina and Simon can make it so so can you.

    A couple of weeks back I bought a new pair of shoes because I love to take long walks. I talked to the stores clerk and I can’t remember how we came to talk about it (most likely because I have special insertions because my feet otherwise gets numb) but I told him I loved to walk since it helped me with my pain. And he was so surprised. After all I’m in the middle of my 20’s, look happy, seams positive and where smiling. I told him I once heard someone say “I’m already in so much pain everyday as it is so if I have some more that is better than two people being in pain!”
    I’m not sure if that where the exact words you used, but I have lived by that since :)

    I’m not writing this so anyone have to pity or tell me I’m doing good, I’m doing it because you have inspired me. Thanks to you guise I am happier, I’m not surprised you are living with depression, pain can be a really pain in the ass! And for the record: this video didn’t destroy my day or mood, yes it is painful to watch someone you love being in pain but more than anything you inspired me!
    You guise are the best!
    Love you <3

    3 years ago
  35. Thank you do much for this video. You are my favorite Youtubers and seeing you cry made me cry sooo much. But it was really helpful for me.I want to be more like both of you. I see you as super energic and positive people and it is encouraging to see that you can be positive even in depression. That it does not define who we are. I’m seeing myself as a positive person but there is some depressive days where I think I might just not be, that i’m not a good person. This video helped me seeing how an amazing person can also deal with depression and it does not change how amazing they are. Thank you so much and i’m sending you lot of hugs <3

    3 years ago
  36. Thank you Martina and Simon, from the bottom of my heart. I know this video couldn’t have been easy for either of you, but obviously you’ve touched so many. I was diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension two years ago, and around that time I started watching your videos. PH is really just another disease on my list of autoimmune disorders list that I already have, but this one is fatal… without a cure. I’m 36, and though I thought I had my whole life ahead of me, it all came crashing down, and the struggle with my depression became real at that point. Martina, your insistence and perseverance at seeking adventure has inspired me. WHY should I give up now when there is so much adventure left to be had? WHY should I let naysayers tell me I “can’t” do this or that or the other thing?!? You have taught me that the only limitations are really the ones we allow in, and I’ll be damned if I let this thing take me down quietly! There’s too much left of this world to see, too much left to experience, and I am determined to experience it as much as I am able. Every time I feel doubt, or hesitate because so many people (not health care providers – but family and friends) say that I shouldn’t, or can’t, or some other negative thing… I remember that you DID, and you continue to DO… and that is what helps me keep putting my feet on my path to adventure. Here’s to building ladders, community, and finding adventure!

    3 years ago
  37. I had my period of emotional issues, sadness and despair. I was wondering why I came to this world, I didn’t want to be here… Then I tried different things: working with healers, spirituality, meditation, changing my lifestyle, working with Angels, changing my beliefs… And whatever would work, I kept doing it. I found that Angels do respond to me when I ask them for help. I am also working on changing my thoughts because I realized how they become my reality. What I think would manifest, so I’d better stick to the positive thoughts. Whenever I think about something negative, I would say “Cancel, clear, delete” to undo it. And now, I’m working on self-love and saying loving affirmations to myself daily while looking at the mirror.

    3 years ago
  38. Thank you so much for making this video. I just wanted to let you and anyone else reading this who is feeling the same way know that you are not alone, while our conditions aren’t the same I too have to deal with chronic pain for what will likely be the rest of my life. Almost 13 years ago now the pain and depression became bad enough that I was suicidal. I had a plan, I had everything laid out but I never committed to trying. Once again thank you so much for making this video I hope that it helped you and please do more of them as I hope it will help anyone else out there who may be feeling the same way.

    3 years ago
  39. I cried whilst watching your video. Not because of sadness, although I felt that, and I couldn’t help but feel the hope in your voice as you describe how you cope from day to day.

    What sorrow I feel is a symptom of the parallels I draw between your story and my own. This post is taking me forever to write, even though I know it will be buried in the masses of other comments. Still each word is a struggle.

    I reached a precipice a long time ago and moved past it I have not yet moved beyond that shadow. I respect your bravery in moving forward and your stubborn endurance in the face of intense pain.

    Sometimes it is really hard to move beyond the fear, and sometimes it’s the most mundane things that inspire it (I’m looking at you stairs grrr)

    I won’t get into my story because it really doesn’t matter to anyone but me, however I wanted to say, I get it and sometimes the pain is worth it.

    I hope making this video has helped free you of some of those demons chasing you. There is a whole community here rooting for you.

    Thank you for pushing through. Thank you for not being silent.

    3 years ago
  40. Thank you for being so brave Martina, you are a huge inspiration and thank you so, so much for always pulling through! You are our positive fuel! Thank you for stepping out and sharing, I’m sure this will give many people strength, no matter how big or small. We could have never imagined that a happy bunny like you were going through so much inside. Thank you for having the courage to show us this side of you and I wish you all the best in whatever you do, and that you will succeed in squashing your low moments into a day or even a few hours the next time this happens. You must know you have given a lot of people hope and motivation, and you are a living proof that depression will not get you down. You go girl!

    3 years ago