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Our Biggest Fight Ever – TL;DR

May 16, 2012

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This weeks TL;DR is quite the gossip mill question…let’s all gather around the water cooler (or the Coway Water Dispenser) and talk about Simon and Martina fighting over stuff! OOOMMMGG!!! Last week, they, like…totally…disagreed about…that song…and Simon was like…”Ducky, you’re the best” but I could sense sarcasm hiding under that comment of…affection. *cough* Alright, so we don’t fight. It’s not like we don’t have disagreements. Of course we do, but we don’t do that whole dramatic yelling and fighting and rushing out of the room in tears and stuff. When we disagree with each other, we both maintain the perspective that we don’t want to be fighting, so we try to come to a middle ground or understanding as soon as possible.

The biggest disagreements we have are over creative differences since we both have different perspectives on scripting ideas for our movies. When that happens we argue like coworkers rather than as a couple. At first, it was something we had to discuss so that we knew we weren’t attacking the person personally as a wife/husband, but just as one co-worker being critiqued by another co-worker. It wasn’t easy, at first, because it’s a confusing and bizarre position that we’re in, but we’re used to it now…kinda!

If you’re having problems with fighting, we both read some awesome books on how to discuss things without causing people to feel offended, either close up, and/or explode. Here are the little tips we have!

1. Never use superlatives such as “always,” “forever,” “every time,” “never,” “constantly,” “not once,” etc. For example, if you are angry and you tell someone that “they are ALWAYS late” they will feel the immediate urge to correct your sentence since they will feel like you’ve over exaggerated, since maybe they’re late 80% of the time. They’ll defend themselves by suggesting that your accusation is not true! They’re not ALWAYS late. And how could say that? Thus, the whole focus of your point is lost. Instead of using a superlative, you have to practice re-wording your claims, for example, “I’m just feeling a little upset right now because we’re currently running late, and I don’t feel comfortable being late.”

2. Always remember that you are on the same team. Act like you’re teammates and you have to work together or else you’ll lose the game (the game of…Life?). Don’t treat your relationship as one-on-one, as if you’re on opposite teams, playing defence against the other person’s attacks and working for a different goal. Use terms like “we” and “us” instead of just “you”. Don’t try to bully them into changing or agreeing with you by proving they’re wrong.

For example, “I’m feeling a little upset right now because we’re running late. What can we do to keep this from happening again? Can I help you pick out your clothing ahead of time, or perhaps we should wake up earlier? What do you think we can do?” This is the kind of thing Simon would say to me (Martina) because I’m the tardy one. When he says something like this, I feel like he wants to work with me to help me be on time for the both of us. If Simon feels stressed out at being late, I don’t want him to feel this way, especially if he wants to help me improve myself.

Here’s how Simon could have said it that would have really got me mad. “I’m feeling a little upset right now because you’re making me late again. I’m always early and you always do this. Why can’t you just get up earlier?” That would piss me off. I know that I’m in the wrong, I’m the one running late and it is totally 100% my fault, yet wording it this way just causes irritation. “If being late is such a big deal, then go alone without me! ARGHHH!” Not a good way to start a night with two divided people.

3. Give two good statements for every one bad. If you’re having a big discussion where you’re bringing up lots of faults and problems about a person, it can be a pretty crappy feeling to have someone list all your failures. Instead, we rely on the 2:1 ratio. For example: “You look super hot right now, I love that outfit on you, and your hair looks amazing, but I’m feeling a little upset right now because we’re running late. What do you think we can do fat head?” Actually, leave that “fat head” part out, but feel free to include any other important cute nickname you use! You can see how it’s pretty hard to be really mad at someone who is complimenting you but still trying to help you improve yourself.

Of course, we didn’t meet each other and immediately start talking with the above tips. We both came out of different relationships that had left us with some baggage – as most people do when they meet new people – and it takes time to realize that the new person you’re dating is not the last person you were dating, so doesn’t react to everything you do and say the same way. Communication is the key. If something ticks you off, you should probably let them know right away rather than letting it build up to a random explosion. And communicate it without sounding like a screaming psycho because NOBODY reacts well to being yelled at, especially bears. They either run away or attack you and you don’t want your boyfriend or girlfriend to do either of those things.

So remember! YOU ARE TEAMMATES! Make up a team cheer! We totally have one which I will not type for you because it’s all inside joke gibberish that will translate very poorly, but whenever one of us feels grumpy or down, the other will sing it and it takes us out of our rut right away. If that doesn’t work, there is always interpretive dancing to Xiah’s “Intoxication”…can’t stay mad at ANYONE dancing to that song.

Now we’re gonna stop sounding like Dr. Phil. Thanks :D

Side note: this is gonna be or last video of the week. Turns out we’ve got more than just interviews to plan for the upcoming Google Kpop Concert, and we’re spending today and tomorrow preparing for it, when we usually spend those days WANKing and editing our WANKing. Sorry! Then we’re on a plane Friday to Canada, then to California on Saturday. Meaning: no time for KpopCharts, K Crunch Indie, or Music Monday either. This is gonna be the last video up for a good week or so. Sorry guise! We’ll be in Canada from Tuesday onwards, and we’ll be back to making videos then, though our schedule will probably be lighter than usual because we want to spend some time with our families. We’ll let you know more in the future :D

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Our Biggest Fight Ever – TL;DR

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  1. quick q:
    Do S&M look at only youtube comments or do they look at these comments as well in determining the next TL;DR question??

    7 years ago
  2. TL;DR: martina,have u ever had a dream where top took you on a date or treated you as his girlfriend? (don’t get offended simon XD) 

    7 years ago
  3. Have a great time in California and back in your home country, you two!

    7 years ago
  4. i wanna meet both of u someday and give u a big ass hug. u guys are sooo awesome!!!!!! love how u posted tips for us and they make so much sense!! ill remember that and try to follow them next time im angry at someone =]

    7 years ago
  5. What a great approach. That’s the kind of relationship I want (and have had) too :-)

    And Simon is right – Hawaiian!

    7 years ago
  6. You are really an inspiration in any field. I wish more people knew how to communicate, instead of exploding for any trivial little thing.
    Random comment : Simon, I LOVE your Tshirt ! Hogwarts all the way !  ^o^ By the way, do you consider you are a Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin or Ravenclaw ? An what about Martina ?

    7 years ago
  7. Hiya!

     My question for the next TLDR is how long will you stay in Korea for? Do you plan to live there for the rest of your lives, go back to Canada or do you wanna go to other countries around the world and blog about them? Also it would be cool to know what your favorite K-Dramas are…Hope you like my questions, and thanks for making awesome videos!! Maria

    7 years ago
  8. YOU GUYS ARE ADORABLE!!!!=) not to sound all mushy haha but i have exactly the same relationship with my bf..we are both in college (different schools but both in the same city) so we only see each other once a week and we have been together for almost 5years now…most of my friends/or ppl in general are always like “don’t u get bored of each other?” or “don’t u guys fight a lot?” its annoying because its so “normal” to fight i guess but we don’t fight we just have disagreements..basically everything what u guys said haha! im just really glad to see this in others too! I wish u guys even more  years of happiness!! =) <3

    7 years ago
  9. I think that you guys are amazing ♥ Please keep the love forever (I think I am gonna show this to my friends and family, so they can see that you, a young couple, really understand what marriage or relationship means, like, I liked you guys, but now you are my favorite couple, and role model for my future)

    7 years ago
  10. you guys are the most awesome couple ever! i really hope that when i find the one i love, we will be just like your guys! really, thumbs up for ya

    7 years ago
  11. I applaud you guys for now fighting often. My fiance and I both have fairly short tempers and have a lot of stress from work. We fight all the time, but mostly because we have so much frustrations from outside our house.

    Anyways, here is my question for you guys. I know that plastic surgery is more popular in Korea than the United States. But what is the general view on it? How many Idols really get surgery? Is it hush hush like the US, or are people open about it? And how much of the general public actually get plastic surgery?

    7 years ago
  12. Ahhh you can sort of hear an accent with Martina here–sounds like what I used to sound like..justI was more Minnesotan lol
    Seriously though. Talk to my parents.

    7 years ago
  13. Hi ~  I visited Seoul last year in August & I thought the weather was horrible! it was sooooo warm & humid… & I’m visiting Seoul again soon so could you do a video on how to survive the hot Korean weather? ^o^

    7 years ago
    • I was just in Seoul and the weather was getting hot a humid.

      Basically what I did was put my hair up, wear cool clothing and I bought myself a super cool SHINee fan that was only like 1 dollar.
      The fan really helped because it gets really hot down in the subway with all the people and there are no breezes, so I would just stand there and fan myself.
      Carry some water with you in like a purse or something and stay in the shade when possible.

      :D

      7 years ago
  14. LOL at us, Little Kimchis, getting mushy and lovey dovey because of this TL;DR.

    *sings Narsha’s I’m in Love*

    7 years ago
  15. Wow!!! I´m envious Simon and Martina, yours is truly love!!! Hope you stay forever like this!!! Love you guys!!! 

    7 years ago
  16. Simon, your t-shirt is awesome!!!

    7 years ago
  17. Does Simon ever steal you clothes, like, your pink socks, for example. And does Simon ever wear Eye liner?

    8 years ago
  18. True role models.

    RESPECT!

    8 years ago
  19. Can you tell us the stories about your tattoos? How you decided which one, where and why?

    8 years ago
  20. I wish my relationship was so good as yours :( I always argue with my boyfriend over anything…  

    8 years ago
  21. Why can’t my parents be like you guys? D:

    8 years ago
  22. is…. is it weird that i fangirl over you guys?

    8 years ago
  23. Have fun guys, but seriously! This article is amazing~~~ You guys really have one of the best relationships ever, and I feel like I can learn a lot from you guys 

    8 years ago
  24. Hey S&M, here is my TL;DR question: what are Korean views on different races? The reason I ask is because I notice that most of my Korean friends’ family members don’t like certain people like Japanese or African American. Is it a thing with some Koreans or is my friends’ family members buttholes?

    8 years ago
    • I love your question! I’m half korean, half mexican. But I’ve only lived with my mexican fam, so idk how i would be viewed if i went to korea.

      8 years ago
      • Hi Chaerin! Just saying, when I write fanfics, I always make my female character as half mexican-half korean. I never met a real Korean-Mexican, though! So when I saw your post I was like, hey, Korean-Mexican actually do exist! :D 

        7 years ago
      • Wow seriously de.donde eres seamos amigas también,bien soy de México. (:

        7 years ago
  25. you guys are the like the perfect example of a working, loving relationship, represent good marriages everywhere! :D FIGHTING!

    8 years ago
  26. I realise that this might mark me as a bad person and/or a bit of a perv, but I blame the fact that I watched this first thing in the morning while still somewhat groggy from not having slept to well.

    But anyways, my first reaction about the bit about TOP was totally like:
    “How the *bleep* does Martina know TOP’s “size”?” and thinking back to this earlier TL:DR
    http://www.eatyourkimchi.com/the-most-awkward-questions-our-students-ever-asked/

    But the i realised she hopefully wasn’t refering to his “size, size”. Given the general levels of prudeness (is that a word) that seems to exist in korea i find it very unlikely to come up in like an interview….

    8 years ago
  27. Do you guys ever make fun about photo’s from your child time?

    8 years ago
  28. I wish more people were like You – starting with myself of course ;) 

    But what about lying – do You ever lie or always say the truth? ^^

    8 years ago
  29. I LOOOOOVE YOUR SHIRTS!!!!!!!!! so coooool <3

    8 years ago
  30. I grew up feeling like marriage was an awful thing for so many reasons, but you two are such a wonderful influence…I feel like I can have hope that I can find this kind of marriage…You guys rock…and spudgy too.

    8 years ago
  31. This is like my relationship with my bf. We don’t argue because there’s no purpose. If we do get mad, annoyed, or whatever negative emotion, we separate for a while and then talk about it. And I agree with your #1 whole heartedly, I’m not one to use superlatives but if I do, I tend to retract my statement. lol! But yay, for treating each other as equals!

    8 years ago
  32. good….job…!!…^^
    i want your happy….^^

    7 years ago
  33. I have the same shirt (Martina) 

    7 years ago
  34. TL;DR Question: Is Korea another type of Japan because on of my friends went to Seoul and she’s say it’s another Japan is it or is it not?

    7 years ago
  35. Hi  . . . I’m from Brazil. I’m so in love with Korea’s culture and I’m addicted to your videos. Love you both °(>__ó*

    7 years ago
  36. and next up, it’s the Simon and Martina relationship advice show *cue recorded clapping*

    seriously, you guys are so awesome… i hate you both… but only in the most loving, i-am-seriously-jealous kinda way ^_-   i think you are pretty much the ideal relationship model and your barfy moments usually tend to make me go “awwww…”

    i hope that neither of you ever gets hit by a car, or eaten by zombies… carry on!

    7 years ago
  37. This is a really random question, but I’m going to Korea next year, and I’ve heard from a number of sources telling me to bring lots of toothpaste with me because Korean toothpaste is a lot different from the American variety and “not as refreshing” do you have any thoughts on this? 

    7 years ago
  38. I was wondering for the next tldr can u tall us yur experience in california what does it to feel like seeing live other than the music videos, and other experience u guys have since it was yur first time being in california ;)

    7 years ago
  39. lolol, you guisee are so keyyute..i hope when i get married to have a relationship like this..my parents argue a lot..i’m used to it, but i don’t like it =P

    7 years ago
  40. Wow~ wisdom words of EYK :3

    7 years ago