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Our Biggest Fight Ever – TL;DR

May 16, 2012

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This weeks TL;DR is quite the gossip mill question…let’s all gather around the water cooler (or the Coway Water Dispenser) and talk about Simon and Martina fighting over stuff! OOOMMMGG!!! Last week, they, like…totally…disagreed about…that song…and Simon was like…”Ducky, you’re the best” but I could sense sarcasm hiding under that comment of…affection. *cough* Alright, so we don’t fight. It’s not like we don’t have disagreements. Of course we do, but we don’t do that whole dramatic yelling and fighting and rushing out of the room in tears and stuff. When we disagree with each other, we both maintain the perspective that we don’t want to be fighting, so we try to come to a middle ground or understanding as soon as possible.

The biggest disagreements we have are over creative differences since we both have different perspectives on scripting ideas for our movies. When that happens we argue like coworkers rather than as a couple. At first, it was something we had to discuss so that we knew we weren’t attacking the person personally as a wife/husband, but just as one co-worker being critiqued by another co-worker. It wasn’t easy, at first, because it’s a confusing and bizarre position that we’re in, but we’re used to it now…kinda!

If you’re having problems with fighting, we both read some awesome books on how to discuss things without causing people to feel offended, either close up, and/or explode. Here are the little tips we have!

1. Never use superlatives such as “always,” “forever,” “every time,” “never,” “constantly,” “not once,” etc. For example, if you are angry and you tell someone that “they are ALWAYS late” they will feel the immediate urge to correct your sentence since they will feel like you’ve over exaggerated, since maybe they’re late 80% of the time. They’ll defend themselves by suggesting that your accusation is not true! They’re not ALWAYS late. And how could say that? Thus, the whole focus of your point is lost. Instead of using a superlative, you have to practice re-wording your claims, for example, “I’m just feeling a little upset right now because we’re currently running late, and I don’t feel comfortable being late.”

2. Always remember that you are on the same team. Act like you’re teammates and you have to work together or else you’ll lose the game (the game of…Life?). Don’t treat your relationship as one-on-one, as if you’re on opposite teams, playing defence against the other person’s attacks and working for a different goal. Use terms like “we” and “us” instead of just “you”. Don’t try to bully them into changing or agreeing with you by proving they’re wrong.

For example, “I’m feeling a little upset right now because we’re running late. What can we do to keep this from happening again? Can I help you pick out your clothing ahead of time, or perhaps we should wake up earlier? What do you think we can do?” This is the kind of thing Simon would say to me (Martina) because I’m the tardy one. When he says something like this, I feel like he wants to work with me to help me be on time for the both of us. If Simon feels stressed out at being late, I don’t want him to feel this way, especially if he wants to help me improve myself.

Here’s how Simon could have said it that would have really got me mad. “I’m feeling a little upset right now because you’re making me late again. I’m always early and you always do this. Why can’t you just get up earlier?” That would piss me off. I know that I’m in the wrong, I’m the one running late and it is totally 100% my fault, yet wording it this way just causes irritation. “If being late is such a big deal, then go alone without me! ARGHHH!” Not a good way to start a night with two divided people.

3. Give two good statements for every one bad. If you’re having a big discussion where you’re bringing up lots of faults and problems about a person, it can be a pretty crappy feeling to have someone list all your failures. Instead, we rely on the 2:1 ratio. For example: “You look super hot right now, I love that outfit on you, and your hair looks amazing, but I’m feeling a little upset right now because we’re running late. What do you think we can do fat head?” Actually, leave that “fat head” part out, but feel free to include any other important cute nickname you use! You can see how it’s pretty hard to be really mad at someone who is complimenting you but still trying to help you improve yourself.

Of course, we didn’t meet each other and immediately start talking with the above tips. We both came out of different relationships that had left us with some baggage – as most people do when they meet new people – and it takes time to realize that the new person you’re dating is not the last person you were dating, so doesn’t react to everything you do and say the same way. Communication is the key. If something ticks you off, you should probably let them know right away rather than letting it build up to a random explosion. And communicate it without sounding like a screaming psycho because NOBODY reacts well to being yelled at, especially bears. They either run away or attack you and you don’t want your boyfriend or girlfriend to do either of those things.

So remember! YOU ARE TEAMMATES! Make up a team cheer! We totally have one which I will not type for you because it’s all inside joke gibberish that will translate very poorly, but whenever one of us feels grumpy or down, the other will sing it and it takes us out of our rut right away. If that doesn’t work, there is always interpretive dancing to Xiah’s “Intoxication”…can’t stay mad at ANYONE dancing to that song.

Now we’re gonna stop sounding like Dr. Phil. Thanks :D

Side note: this is gonna be or last video of the week. Turns out we’ve got more than just interviews to plan for the upcoming Google Kpop Concert, and we’re spending today and tomorrow preparing for it, when we usually spend those days WANKing and editing our WANKing. Sorry! Then we’re on a plane Friday to Canada, then to California on Saturday. Meaning: no time for KpopCharts, K Crunch Indie, or Music Monday either. This is gonna be the last video up for a good week or so. Sorry guise! We’ll be in Canada from Tuesday onwards, and we’ll be back to making videos then, though our schedule will probably be lighter than usual because we want to spend some time with our families. We’ll let you know more in the future :D

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Our Biggest Fight Ever – TL;DR

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  1. You are really an inspiration in any field. I wish more people knew how to communicate, instead of exploding for any trivial little thing.
    Random comment : Simon, I LOVE your Tshirt ! Hogwarts all the way !  ^o^ By the way, do you consider you are a Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin or Ravenclaw ? An what about Martina ?

    7 years ago
  2. Does Simon ever steal you clothes, like, your pink socks, for example. And does Simon ever wear Eye liner?

    8 years ago
  3. True role models.

    RESPECT!

    8 years ago
  4. Do you guys ever make fun about photo’s from your child time?

    8 years ago
  5. I realise that this might mark me as a bad person and/or a bit of a perv, but I blame the fact that I watched this first thing in the morning while still somewhat groggy from not having slept to well.

    But anyways, my first reaction about the bit about TOP was totally like:
    “How the *bleep* does Martina know TOP’s “size”?” and thinking back to this earlier TL:DR
    http://www.eatyourkimchi.com/the-most-awkward-questions-our-students-ever-asked/

    But the i realised she hopefully wasn’t refering to his “size, size”. Given the general levels of prudeness (is that a word) that seems to exist in korea i find it very unlikely to come up in like an interview….

    8 years ago
  6. I wish more people were like You – starting with myself of course ;) 

    But what about lying – do You ever lie or always say the truth? ^^

    8 years ago
  7. I LOOOOOVE YOUR SHIRTS!!!!!!!!! so coooool <3

    8 years ago
  8. This is like my relationship with my bf. We don’t argue because there’s no purpose. If we do get mad, annoyed, or whatever negative emotion, we separate for a while and then talk about it. And I agree with your #1 whole heartedly, I’m not one to use superlatives but if I do, I tend to retract my statement. lol! But yay, for treating each other as equals!

    8 years ago
  9. I grew up feeling like marriage was an awful thing for so many reasons, but you two are such a wonderful influence…I feel like I can have hope that I can find this kind of marriage…You guys rock…and spudgy too.

    8 years ago
  10. you guys are the like the perfect example of a working, loving relationship, represent good marriages everywhere! :D FIGHTING!

    8 years ago
  11. Can you tell us the stories about your tattoos? How you decided which one, where and why?

    8 years ago
  12. I wish my relationship was so good as yours :( I always argue with my boyfriend over anything…  

    8 years ago
  13. Hey S&M, here is my TL;DR question: what are Korean views on different races? The reason I ask is because I notice that most of my Korean friends’ family members don’t like certain people like Japanese or African American. Is it a thing with some Koreans or is my friends’ family members buttholes?

    8 years ago
    • I love your question! I’m half korean, half mexican. But I’ve only lived with my mexican fam, so idk how i would be viewed if i went to korea.

      8 years ago
      • Wow seriously de.donde eres seamos amigas también,bien soy de México. (:

        7 years ago
      • Hi Chaerin! Just saying, when I write fanfics, I always make my female character as half mexican-half korean. I never met a real Korean-Mexican, though! So when I saw your post I was like, hey, Korean-Mexican actually do exist! :D 

        7 years ago
  14. Have fun guys, but seriously! This article is amazing~~~ You guys really have one of the best relationships ever, and I feel like I can learn a lot from you guys 

    8 years ago
  15. is…. is it weird that i fangirl over you guys?

    8 years ago
  16. Why can’t my parents be like you guys? D:

    8 years ago
  17. Guys, thank you so much for those tips! :)

    If you join on person that lives in São Paulo (kinda stressing) with some italian blood, you’ll have someone that, if starts arguing, won’t stop NEVEEEEER
    Ok, I don’t do that to everyone, I do with my mother because I know she’ll always loves me :D (hahaha totally stupid thinking, but…)
    Well, I’ve been improving with the years, now I can improve more :D Thanks again :)

    8 years ago
  18. Enjoy! so sad u aren’t doing the review for Junsu’s Tarantallegra  anytime soon

    8 years ago
  19. Have a superb time in Cali!! Give all the kboys my number :D Also I just wanted to say I’m very very happy you two have such a wonderful relationship. You guys are so cute together :)

    8 years ago
  20. Awww. Simon’s so sweet. Martina is so cute. You guise. *sniffle* I love you.

    8 years ago
  21. Yes, yes yes to all of this. My husband and I have the same mind frame as you awesome and lovely couple. We never fight—like you said Simon, we don’t see the point in it because we care too much about each other to risk hurting the other. Yes we have some small disagreements, but it never, hm, tarnishes(?) our feelings for each other. We talk it out calmly (controlling emotions ftw) often laughing it off. If ze hubby is a tiny bit upset about something, I tend to pull a cutie face or funny face and his irritation disappears. =3
    Repeating a bit more, but I also agree that if you know what makes your sugarplum not a happy panda, why throw it in their face in any way?
    You two clearly do it, but something else my hubby and I do is remind each other in some way every day (several times) that we care and love each other. For instance if my hubby is tired, I’ll give him a massage or scratch his head (he loves this), without him asking. Don’t always wait until your honey-bunch asks you to do something for you, do it because you care about them.

    8 years ago
  22. O.O Your t-shirt, Martina I want it!!!!

    8 years ago
  23. D

    You guys are amazing♥ You two are so much like my parents. You have the same exact views on relationships as them. I swear I hear them when you talk. How lucky am I?
    That’s a reason I love you guys so much. I don’t think you can fully understand the huge impact and importance in having a good relationship role model like you two. I swear I’ve got the best role models ever :)
    You posted some pretty sage advice there. I want to send this to all of my friends.
    Plus, this has got to be the best TL;DR! We love when you guys kiss :D

    8 years ago
  24. Hi Simon and Martina! *waves to Spudgy* We know that K-pop, J-pop, C-pop, etc. are increasing in popularity at an incredible rate within and outside of Asia. (I mean come on, I’m on that bandwagon! XD) Well, I want to know what it’s like on the other side! My question is: from what you’ve experienced, how popular is foreign music in Korea and other places that you’ve visited? (If you can comment!) I’ve always wanted to know!

    8 years ago
  25. I’m curious because you didn’t mention it….but what were the names of some of the books that you guys read?  

    I have major communication problems.  And I’m always looking for ways to improve that.  A big thing is I don’t always talk in complete sentences (Not on purpose mind you), we call it “Amber Talk” because I’ll have to repeat the same thing in different ways until I get to the EXACT meaning I was trying to convey…weird. 

    Anyways…my point is, I’d like to read some of these books.  I’m married, and we don’t actually fight, but I would like some pointers on communicating…cause, as I mentioned above, I suck at it. XD  

    8 years ago
  26. Dear Simon and Martina,
      I have a TL;DR question: How are Korean and American dating styles different? Do guys normally do aegyo and hold girls purses?   Thanks,     Anwen

    8 years ago
  27. so… why does simon has sucky taste in pizza? :P

    8 years ago
  28. lol off-topic I knew someone in Canada who said sorry the exact way Martina said, I don’t know where they were from but it definitely seems like you guys had the same accent…. and reminds me of Gilbert from the tv adaptation of Anne of green  gables. XD

    8 years ago
  29. TL;DR
    1. I go to an early colege school (graduate in 5 years with an associates and high school diploma all free of charge) and i was wondering if anything like this is in Korea, or maybe any special type of schools yo u wouldn’t normally find.
    2. You mention where to by books in Korea but what books do you reccomend? What is yor favorites and what are the worst you’ve read? Certain kind of genres, any must-haves, etc.   

    8 years ago
  30. *le sigh*  I wish I had read this about 3 hours ago. My boyfriend and I just got into a big fight because for the 3rd time this week he showed up to pick me up 40 minutes late. I really hate waiting and I sort of lost it on him. Oopsies. Thanks for the advice, you two are quite inspiring. I will try to be more like you two in the future! :)

    8 years ago
  31. someday i hope to have this kind of relationship with someone ^^

    8 years ago
  32. These are all very valid points and I definitely agree with how two people choose to communicate in a relationship plays a vital role in the happiness of both as a couple. However, what happens in instances where one person in the party wishes to communicate but the other does not wish to do so and prefers to close up instead? OR if one wishes to come to an mutual understanding through communication but the other party member feels that simply taking a break from the relationship with no formal discussion will be more beneficial? I guess what i’m trying to ask here is, what to do when two people have very different ideas on how to communicate and how to handle problems as a couple?

    8 years ago
  33. This was seriously awesome. Me and my hubby rarely argue, and when we do it’s because of stress due to our educations or because we haven’t eaten…and then we eat and stop arguing lol. But yeah, showing this to my hun and we’re totally gonna start doing the zombie-apocalypse thing, since we’re huge fans of zombie-lore and love The Walking Dead etc etc. And Martina, I have trouble sleeping too after watching/reading zombie-stuff/scary-stuff..I usually make my hun watch something funny afterwards with me so I can sleep better, like stand-ups or Futurama. Okay, enough ramble, you guys are super cute together and amazing blogggers! Because of you guys, I wanna go to Korea, so I can eat cheap street-foods too.

    8 years ago
  34.  Only a Sith deals in superlatives.

    8 years ago
  35. you guys are so cute

    8 years ago
  36. I do agree in that couples just say the wrong thing to each other. They let the heat of the argument let them speak rudely and express in ways they didn’t mean to but they never correct themselves. Also, I feel like when one argument gets heated, they bring up the significant other’s entire past history of “wrong doings”.  I also feel like a lot of couples fight because they have pride. I mean self confidence is good but sometimes they don’t want to be in the wrong cuz they want to prove in the end that they are right. They’re so busy with being right, they forget the effect of the fight has on their relationship. Sometimes you just got to swallow your pride because like you guys said, you guys are on the same team. This isn’t some roommate quarrel. You married for love and you love each other. Try to hear out what the other person meant or what they “really” meant but came out wrong.  OR they are really stubborn people who refuse to see things from the other side of the spectrum because in their mindset, what they are thinking is right, only right, it’s the one true solution/answer and everything else is wrong and illogical. I just hope I don’t meet a guy like that because my father is the latter and he’s…just…not a pleasant person to be around. I don’t want to tip toe around my father like my entire family does lol. 

    8 years ago
  37. You know there’s a place in England where you can act out a zombie apocalypse. Y’know, so you can make Simon practice ahead of time and allay your fears!

    8 years ago
  38. I love this video! People always look at me weird when I tell them I don’t fight with my husband…ever.

    8 years ago
  39. jia

    i am printing the tips out and am gonna keep it with me for the rest of my life ..and maybe share it with my friends who keeps breaking up with their boyfriends over trivial things.. you guys are an inspiration for other couples :)

    8 years ago